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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

19 year old daughter home from uni and it’s difficult

228 replies

toni06 · 06/12/2021 08:25

My daughter started at Cambridge in October. She’s my youngest so I was very upset when she left. It became clear within days that she was struggling, and we has 4 weeks of nightly 2 hour tearful phone calls. During that time I wrote, sent bit and bobs through the post, and supported her, just telling her to get through this term. Together we were counting the 9 week term down. We visited her at the 5 week point and there has been a sea change since then. She made friends, got a social life. Phone calls reduced and often when we rang she’d be busy. We picked her up for Christmas on Friday and this weekend has been awful. I was so excited about her coming home, and it’s quite obvious she doesn’t want to be here. When we arrived to get her, after 4 hour drive, she wasn’t there and had gone out for a coffee. She’s not been rude, but goes on about how amazing life is there, how everyone else is there for another week, how she might go back early. Just little comments like it’s not worth unpacking, as she’s not here for long. We cooked a Sunday dinner yesterday, to be told she doesn’t eat rich food anymore. I’m quite hurt as it’s as if those weeks of supporting her never happened. I want her to be happy at Cambridge, but I also want her to appreciate being at home. How do we get through the next 6 weeks? We stuff planned nearer to Christmas but this week I’m working so can’t do much with her.

OP posts:

Earwigworries · 06/12/2021 13:31

OP she’s just doing what young people of that age often do - she’s had a rough few weeks and at the moment she’s completely loving it and is a bit over the top with her new found independence . It will settle down I’m sure

Pascal80 · 06/12/2021 13:35

Crying on the phone to your mother every night is absolutely not normal behaviour in a first year university student. A year out working would have been very good for her.

Wondergirl100 · 06/12/2021 13:40

It seems a quite harsh system taht they have to come home for so long - is it really six weeks at home? I absolutely loved university and would not have wanted more than a week or two at home - essentially she has become an independent adult suddenly and now is dumped back in her teenage years under your roof.

It is better there and it's great she thinks that - I'm not exusing her rudeness but I can't imagine it feels fun to have finally settled in then having to come home for so long..

Seems a bit of a crap system - surely v unsettling coming back and forth like that. She will be better off when she has her own home there and does shorter trips home.

fakereview · 06/12/2021 13:42

It's not that different at other universities - 10 weeks at uni and 4 weeks at home. I didn't use to stay any longer because nobody else did - everyone went home when everyone else did, if you see what I mean.

DS finished on Friday, I was a bit surprised he's not coming back until tomorrow for that reason, but maybe people are sticking around a bit more. He doesn't have the problem of having to vacate accommodation.

Original poster

toni06 · 06/12/2021 13:45

@Kanaloa

She’s happy.

To be honest it sounds like her over the top unhappiness might have been influenced by you. You were ‘terribly upset’ and counting down the days till she was back, so she was. And it sounds like it was all fed into a bit with hours of tearful phone conversations etc. You almost sound like you preferred it when she was homesick and unhappy.

She’s doing her thing, independent and happy, and from the sounds of it doing well at a good university. For a parent, that’s a big win.

I suppose her neediness delayed the inevitable separation. I’ve older children and know the score. They leave home and you get on with it. So I’d prepared myself that I’d hear very little from her. And it was lovely to speak to her so often. But, no I hated the tearful conversations. In fact I handed her over to her Dad ASAP as he’s far better at that than me. He’s a drugs counsellor and is a good listener. I’m hopeless.

OP posts:

PinkAndPurpleClouds · 06/12/2021 13:47

@toni06 Agree with the masses, just be glad she has settled at last!

You were there when she needed you, and now she doesn't need you so she is just keen to get back to her mates.

I agree with other posters, late teens/uni student age children are quite thoughtless and rude and only contact you when they need you/need money/need a lift etc.

FrancescaContini · 06/12/2021 13:47

I’ve just re-read the OP and can’t see how the DD being at Cambridge is relevant.

I still think she sounds ungrateful and not very mature. Agree that a year out in the “real world” before CAMBRIDGE working or travelling would have helped her develop some maturity.

Original poster

toni06 · 06/12/2021 13:47

@Wondergirl100

It is better there and it's great she thinks that - I'm not exusing her rudeness but I can't imagine it feels fun to have finally settled in then having to come home for so long..

Seems a bit of a crap system - surely v unsettling coming back and forth like that. She will be better off when she has her own home there and does shorter trips home.

Yes very short 8 week terms. But if she has a house in future years, she can stay on.

OP posts:

Original poster

toni06 · 06/12/2021 13:52

She did take a year out. She did her A levels (or rather didn’t) in 2020. She did loads of jobs (Tesco’s, Mac Donald’s, school kitchen) plus voluntary work away at a Buddhist retreat. International travel wasn’t really an option. So she’s not gone from college to uni. She saved £20,000 over the 18 months she was at home.

OP posts:

FrancescaContini · 06/12/2021 13:54

20k??

Original poster

toni06 · 06/12/2021 13:54

@FrancescaContini

I’ve just re-read the OP and can’t see how the DD being at Cambridge is relevant.

I still think she sounds ungrateful and not very mature. Agree that a year out in the “real world” before CAMBRIDGE working or travelling would have helped her develop some maturity.

OP posts:

NotNowFGS · 06/12/2021 13:56

My DD2 had a rocky start too to this first academic year. She's much better now and I am so relieved. You've got to accept that it's a time of rapid change for them, for them to spread their wings, and in the name of a good, healthy future relationship with our adult kids (they are adults now) we have to let go. Just be grateful that she's fine. She will find enough to amuse her at home over the next few weeks and then hopefully be happy to go back after Christmas. She's growing up. Don't make it about you (and I mean that kindly).

Sewaccidentprone · 06/12/2021 13:59

Ds2 was the same in his first year. He’s now y2 and getting over himself a bit.

I think it’s more missing how they used to be. They’ve changed, life’s exciting and full of opportunities. Home is boring in comparison.

But rudeness is not on and needs pointing out.

Honestly, last hols I was glad to be rid of ds2. I’m just hoping he’ll be a bit more ‘adult’ now ie considerate.

Original poster

toni06 · 06/12/2021 13:59

@FrancescaContini

20k??

Yes. She saved pretty much every penny and was working 3 jobs at once. She’d started macdonalds during her A levels, so did over 2 years there. Tesco’s she did overnight shifts. School kitchen was term time only. But it didn’t mean she was at home a lot. Some travel would have been good, but not possible.

OP posts:

Ubiquery · 06/12/2021 14:03

OP, did your daughter take a year out or go straight from college? I’m thinking perhaps some work in the real world would have been good for her, and allowed her to save up some money.

Derbee · 06/12/2021 14:05

In my experience, a lot of university kids come home for the first holidays a little bit pretentious. They’ve had their first proper taste of freedom, and are experimenting with their new found “personalities”. Universities like Oxford and Cambridge are a little worse, as the kids are also a feeling a bit superior to their parents, having been thrust into such an intellectual “bubble”.

She’ll settle down. It’s ,idly irritating to be flouncing around with the “new her” not eating rich foods, and taking a few days to settle back into her old life. There’s also a chance that she’s torn between missing home, and enjoying University, and is talking herself into convincing herself (and you) that she’s SO HAPPY.

I’d much rather find her a bit hurtful and annoying for a few days, than have her crying every day because she’s been so homesick, and is dreading going back etc.

Hang in there, she’ll recalibrate, and learn how to seamlessly fit into both lives without rubbing you up the wrong way. She’s still young, and it’s a lot of adjustment.

ilssagain · 06/12/2021 14:12

I’ve just re-read the OP and can’t see how the DD being at Cambridge is relevant

In this case it was relevant. It explains why she started in October and only had a nine week term which doesn't happen at the vast majority of universities. Also explains why she is home a week earlier than other students and why she has a 6 week holiday instead of 4.

If the university's name hadn't been mentioned you would have had even more people filling the thread with "But why did she start so late?" "Why is she at home for 6 weeks? My daughter only has a 4 week holiday"

I don't think the OP's intention was to brag about her daughter being at Cambridge at all.
FFS.

5zeds · 06/12/2021 14:19

I think it’s sounds all very normal and you’ve done a good job. Just carry on she’ll be fine as will you. Who knew the launching would ring your heart out? Time to look at your own life and let her find her own equilibrium.

disconnected101 · 06/12/2021 14:29

@FrancescaContini

I’ve just re-read the OP and can’t see how the DD being at Cambridge is relevant.

I still think she sounds ungrateful and not very mature. Agree that a year out in the “real world” before CAMBRIDGE working or travelling would have helped her develop some maturity.

I was wondering how long it would take before there was a snarky reference to Cambridge. A PP has explained why it is relevant, it wasn't a stealth-brag on the part of the OP.

thamesriviera · 06/12/2021 14:29

she's 19, she has settled in, she doesn't 'need' you the same way any more (sorry....). I'd back off and leave her to it and be grateful she's found her feet at uni.

5zeds · 06/12/2021 14:32

She had a year out. It is relevant because you can’t just stay up at Cambridge or Oxford for the holidays as you don’t have rooms.

Lois345 · 06/12/2021 14:33

This is so hard. It sounds like you have done the most incredible job and she is just being a typical teenager. I would bite my tongue and keep reminding myself that it is a phase. She is starting her journey of becoming truly independent. She will come back to you although it may take a while. Meanwhile sending lots of support

hivemindneeded · 06/12/2021 14:33

Saying she's at Cambridge isn't a stealth brag. If she'd said she was at Sheffield or Nottingham no one would have asked why it was mentioned, even though they are good unis. I hate how Oxbridge students can't mention it in passing like people at any other uni can without it being treated as a brag.

Lois345 · 06/12/2021 14:35

@FrancescaContini How is any of this relevant to the OP's post? Are you jealous?

QueenJeanie · 06/12/2021 14:41

She's probably anxious about having to go through all that upset again when she goes back

The dynamic in your relationship has almost certainly changed and she perhaps sees herself as an adult rather than your child

I would cut her some slack but perhaps point out that thinking before she speaks is a good idea

It's good she's feeling happier

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