AIBU Feel so hurt and rejected by teenage DD

[pigalow]

I am feeling so hurt and rejected by my teenage daughter. I cry most days and just don’t know how to make things better. We were very close until she was about 14 or 14 1/2 and then things changed. She was always a very loving and affectionate child who would give big hugs or watch a film snuggled together. She now will not make eye contact, literally gives me a cold (bony) shoulder if I try to give her a hug goodnight or before school. I miss her so much. She will not speak about this at all. If I try to explain that I feel hurt and that I would like us to try to be close again and make an effort to make memories, she tells me to go away or literally blanks me putting earphones in and acting as if I’m not there. She still expects me to drop everything to help if she has a problem. I spent hours last year helping her write revision notes and cards as she was behind and couldn’t do it all in time for her GCSE exams. She said thank you but in an offhand way not really seeming to mean it. She seems very entitled and takes anything that others do for her as her right and never seems prepared to put herself out for others. For example she knows how much I like going out for a shopping and lunch trip and how this would mean a lot to me but she won’t spend any time with me as ‘she doesn’t want to.’
I try really hard to give her anything she needs in reason - money to go out with friends, clothes, make up, money for nails etc. I spent hours and hours helping her with her GCSEs. Am I being selfish or unreasonable to expect a bit of love in return?

YABU she's not your lover or friend, she's your child.

You have an obligation to look after her, do what's best for her and let her grow up to make her own decisions about her life. She has an obligation to be civil and abide by your rules. She doesn't owe you love or affection.

She has no say in where she lives, who her mother is or the fact she was born. You had a child, creating that relationship because you wanted it. She doesn't necessarily want it. Maybe she'll change her mind again in the future, but you could be driving her away with your over emotional and overbearing need for affection. She is probably aware of your fragile emotional state and feeling a pressure from it, which could be making her withdraw further.

Get yourself some friends/a lover if you haven't already got these, you're looking for affection in the wrong place.

@Smartiepants79

Mine are not quite at this stage yet but my 2 pennies worth is - Stop doing loads for her unless she specifically asks and is nice about it. I think it’s ok to at least sometimes make it clear when she’s crossed a line. Independence is one thing. Utter rudeness is another. Blanking you etc is just not ok. Your a person who should be treated with the same level of respect as any one else in her life. Does she blank her father/grandparents/teachers?? If not then why should she do it to you?

I agree. It’s normal for teenagers to draw away from their parents and OP shouldn’t be badgering her DD for hugs or doing the whole “you’re hurting my feelings” thing. I don’t blame the girl for not listening to that, it sounds like emotional blackmail. But parents should still expect a reasonable amount of civility even from teenagers. Blanking and ignoring, but at the same time expecting money and help whenever she wants it, isn’t ok.

@pigalow, please stop badgering her to do things she doesn’t want to do. Don’t try to make her feel guilty. At the same time, maybe give her fixed pocket money instead of shelling out for everything she wants. She’s asserting her boundaries as she grows out of being a child. You should assert some of your own.

It is possible to get through the teenage years without being an absolute cow to your parents. Many children do.

I suspect what makes a difference is the way parents themselves handle it. Giving the teenager the space to pull away without guilt trips, hanging on and recriminations. Actually understanding the process of growing up and what it entails. The pulling away behaviour is necessary and not to be taken personally. To become an adult they must do it.

[quote CanIPleaseHaveOne]**@ThatNameAgainItsMrPlow* - I Doubt they will be back. Too pig-headed. Although we can maybe expect a “My daughter has gone NC with me!” thread in a few years time from her.*

I think someone has made a bad decision in the throes of some ongoing painful experiences. Lets not laugh/sneer at her.[/quote]
And you stop sneering at me for daring to have an opinion.

@corblimeygov

Well here I am. Can't say I was expecting the responses but have read them all . To me, it's odd that so many of you think so one person can be mean and spiteful and make me so upset but it must just be swept under the carpet as my feelings obviously don't matter. Well ok , I'll take your comments onboard an ditch my feelings book.

Of course they shouldn’t be swept under the carpet. But you deal with it at the time, in a way that is appropriate to the situation. Not by storing it all up for YEARS and then presenting it like a bucket of carefully stored cold sick that the other party didn’t know was being kept so hasn’t had the opportunity to do the same, and while the other party has been at a fundamental disadvantage because the parent/child relationship is not one of equals.

The whole idea was appalling.

And the fact you still can’t see it is quite disturbing, and makes me wonder how much of her behaviour is a reaction to how you’re treating her.

@corblimeygov

Well here I am. Can't say I was expecting the responses but have read them all . To me, it's odd that so many of you think so one person can be mean and spiteful and make me so upset but it must just be swept under the carpet as my feelings obviously don't matter. Well ok , I'll take your comments onboard an ditch my feelings book.

It doesn’t have to be swept under the carpet.

But how can you possibly think writing it all down, binding it up, and presenting it to her will be in any way constructive or helpful?

If she treats you poorly, address it at the time. Succinctly, and without crying or laying on the guilt, and then move on.

Presenting her with a bound book of grievances for perfectly normal (albeit often unacceptable) behaviour from a person who’s still learning and growing is just cruel.

You’re the adult here.

This is hard for you OP and I really sympathise.

I think as others have said you need to draw a line and let DD get on with living her life. Try not to get involved, allow her space and time. Don't do things with
her or for her unless she asks AND YOU HAVE THE FREE TIME.

Try to live a fuller life filled with things for you. Try it for 6 months and see what happens

@FictionalCharacter I try not to make her feel guilty but feel very despondent when I try to initiate days out I think she'd enjoy to be met with no enthusiasm at all. She dances and used to like musical theatre shows or contemporary dance; now she says she can't be arsed as it means getting up and getting dressed to go at a specific time.
I wonder if she is perhaps depressed as she has very little real enthusiasm for anything much. She seems to like gatherings at her friends' houses and her friendship group are doing a 'friends' Christmas day' with a lunch they're cooking themselves.

I was always an only child and very close to my own mum and enjoyed cinema trips or shopping trips with her in school holidays. It seems that a lot of teenagers are less family orientated than they were in the past. Probably when there was one TV in the sitting room, one telephone in the hall and family say at a dining table to eat, there were fewer opportunities for blanking members if your own family.

I don't think that has anything to do with it. I was raised in a home like you describe, I still spent the vast majority of my teenage years holed up in my room - I just read, drew, flicked through magazines and listened to music instead.

It's totally normal and healthy for teenagers to push boundaries and want to spend less and less time with their parents.

OP do you work or have friends of your own?

She still expects me to drop everything to help if she has a problem.

Of course she does, you're her Mum. And that's exactly what shows that she does need you.

Don't compare her to your other child, she's her own person. And she's under a hormonal onslaught right now. She needs space and she needs to grow away from you for a bit. Don't say you miss her, it implies she's not there anymore. Give her some room and you'll probably find she turns back to you in a few years.

Mine did this too. She's starting to mellow but it's a long road. Try not to let it get to you ( easier said than done I know ) I started an incident diary and wrote down what was done/said and how it made me feel, this way I can see now that it's not as bad as it was. One day I'll bind it up and give it to her. So she can prepare for the same onslaught if she has a daughter. I dare say there will be some big tears all round that day.
Stay strong. It will end. Eventually.

Bloody hell. I dont think she will receive that in the good grace you think she will.

I can not fathom why you would want to do that - its bloody awful! If one of my parents didn't that to me I would burn it - in front of them.

Couldn't agree more. That's totally barking. You're not preparing a dossier on a nuisance neighbour, ffs. What will you do - smudge some sage on your foreheads and take turns holding the talking stick? Absolutely crackers.

@corblimeygov

Well here I am. Can't say I was expecting the responses but have read them all . To me, it's odd that so many of you think so one person can be mean and spiteful and make me so upset but it must just be swept under the carpet as my feelings obviously don't matter. Well ok , I'll take your comments onboard an ditch my feelings book.

I think it took guts to come back to this thread.

But nobody is saying your feelings don't matter or that you need to sweep things under the carpet. The time to deal with your hurt feelings is at the time, not several years later by dumping it all on top of your teenager in a diary you've been keeping in secret.

Your teenager is not responsible for your happiness and your emotions - she's a child, you're the adult.

Thanks @EmmasMum12. I think it is so hard as it is difficult to over state how close we used to be. We would encourage her to do sleepovers with her friends and she'd say she'd rather be at home. Even when she started spending more times at friends' houses and school trips from 11-12 onwards, she used to text or FaceTime with no request from
me to do that and would always be the first to communicate( not in reply.) I really tried to support her to be more confident socially away from home and develop a wider friendship group which she now has. I must stress that I really want her to socialise with her own friends. I have paid for her to go to Latitude with friends and a holiday in Cornwall after GCSEs so it's not that I just want to clip her wings and expect her to be with me all the time. I just miss us being close and going out together. I see lots of my friends with their daughters on social media.

Ignore social media. I see lots of happy families on social media that I can personally testify we’re having a screaming match in the street at midnight. Social media is not real life. It’s a phase. That’s all.

This is difficult for you because the change has been so profound and so fast. But the situation is retrievable. Deep breath - you can do this! Take it one day at a time. And you WILL get the closeness back. Just not right away

Oh and those mums with close daughter relationships .... they've got this to come.

So don't envy them. My daughter did this at 19. One heck of a shock. But we're through it now xxx

I see lots of my friends with their daughters on social media

Social media isn't the truth.

@EmmasMum12 Thank you being kind and understanding

You expectations are way too high. You are acting like she is obliged to be your friend. Do the shopping lunch thing with your own friends.

Social media paints pictures of a thousand lies

Usually people trying to prove something, that may or may not be there

Sad story about a friend of mine who always had pics with her DDs , doing all these fun things together… behind the scenes things were not so rosy, and they are both NC with her now (though oldest jas started getting in touch again after 2 yrs)

You have to stand back and let them fly. If she does not need you anymore (or pretends) it just shows you’ve done a great job at helping her gain confidence and get out there

It’s the normal thing at this age, life is all about their peers. It’s how it’s meant to be

Go out with nice friends instead and have fun

As a teenager, I was horrible to my mum. When she had ideas for doing something at the weekend, I got furious with resentment. When she tried to talk to me, I asked her coldly "Don't you have a book to read?" When my dad suggested I help her round the house, I would retort, "Why should I?"

If it's any consolation, I've tried to spend the past 30-odd years making it up to her...

I am really saddened that so many people think most young adults aren't close to their families and just want to get away. What is the point of family if the members aren't friends and support each other? I do believe this is a particularly western capitalist mindset and not shared by other cultures and societies.

If I try to explain that I feel hurt and that I would like us to try to be close again and make an effort to make memories, she tells me to go away or literally blanks me putting earphones in and acting as if I’m not there

This sounds massively suffocating and I'm not surprised she's reacted like she has. She's behaving like a pretty standard teenager and you're backing her into a corner demanding love and affection. Back off on the physical closeness / hugging etc if that's not what she wants at the moment, she's entitled to her personal space.

She still expects me to drop everything to help if she has a problem

Of course she does, you're her mum. She's growing up, but that doesn't mean she doesn't still need you. Are you honestly saying it should be tit for tat?

The way you speak about your relationship with your DD is as if she's a friend letting you down and not being there for you, rather than a child. You have to realise that the two of you aren't equals, you aren't friends, you're a mother and daughter. Give her some space and stop taking it all so personally and she'll come back to you in her own time.

@Alcemeg - this could literally be my daughter speaking! She's also said she doesn't want to get married or have children as she has no intention of having to consider others and just wants to devote her life to herself!

Do you know what, I came on this thread to empathise with the OP as I too have been in her shoes. I now feel throughly depressed and am questioning my judgment on everything . Well thanks a lot you judgmental bunch of sanctimonious people. I won't be back.