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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Son called his teacher a c***

127 replies

Lollysticks12 · 30/11/2021 17:09

Gobsmacked, shocked, embarrassed by his behaviour, he is getting worse and no punishment seems to bother him.

13 year old son is now on report at school and is being sent to isolation for 3 days. At home he is lovely and funny but will not behave at school. He lies about how he's behaved at school then it's only when school call that I get the full story. I have made him email an apology.

I don't know what else to do, so far I've tried no football, no PS4, no phone, earlier bed time , no meeting friends. Not all at once though , does anyone have any suggestions?
He has already moved forms because of his behaviour and he calmed for a while.

OP posts:

MountainAshley · 30/11/2021 17:11

Try them all at once.

Hellocatshome · 30/11/2021 17:15

I would try them all at once. No football, PS4, phone, going out with friends for a week while he is on report. He will get those things back after you have called the school and there has been an improvement in behaviour.

BeaMends · 30/11/2021 17:15

He's not lovely at home if he is lying through his teeth to you about his behaviour at school.

PAFMO · 30/11/2021 17:17

@BeaMends

He's not lovely at home if he is lying through his teeth to you about his behaviour at school.

This. What is he seeing/hearing/watching/experiencing that makes him think it's OK to call a woman such a vile thing? Was the moving forms at your request or the schools? How are you working with the school to improve his behaviour?

EmpressCixi · 30/11/2021 17:21

I’d wonder why he is seemingly deliberately getting into trouble in school as it is out of character if he is wonderful at home. Is he with a bad crowd of boys that are “daring” him to swear at the teacher or break other rules? Or is there a teacher that has it out for him and is making up transgressions? Or is he avoiding a bully by misbehaving so he can be sent into isolation and thus away from being bullied between classes or at break/lunch?

I think you should have a serious discussion and ask him why. Get to the root of it.

IAAP · 30/11/2021 17:23

All of them - I’d strip his room out - bed and clothes and school books and nothing else.

Must be in lounge and working on homework in the evening.

Voluntary work at the weekend and outside job. No contact with friends out of school.

All must be earnt back

Original poster

Lollysticks12 · 30/11/2021 17:25

Yes, I could try them all at once.
Yes apart from the lying I meant he is pleasant to be around at home. The teacher was a man although he does listen to some awful rap /grime music.
The school suggested the move and I agreed. It was only brought to light recently how bad his behaviour had got by one teacher, since I've shown I am now on board , he has been put on report and is being monitored more by myself and school.

OP posts:

DillDanding · 30/11/2021 17:29

Would you consider family counselling?

This helped my friend recently whose son had gone off the rails.

amillionmenonmars · 30/11/2021 17:30

@EmpressCixi

I think you should have a serious discussion and ask him why. Get to the root of it.

Well here we are - one of the reasons why teaching in schools can be hell on earth.

Are you suggesting that this teacher lied about being called such a vile name? Or that she goaded him into it? Or that other boys made him do it.

Bloody hell.

Sirzy · 30/11/2021 17:32

As well as obviously punishing have you sat down with and discussed what’s happening in a grown up way?

There is obviously an issue underlying the problems, especially if it’s out of character for him so that needs discussion and tackling.

RobertSmithsLipstick · 30/11/2021 17:33

Remove everything, all at once, and let him earn them back, bit by bit.
Any relapse means back to square one.

Original poster

Lollysticks12 · 30/11/2021 17:33

@EmpressCixi , he is only like this for 2 of his teachers, some of his teachers can not believe he is like this as he is fine with them.
I have tried chatting with him but he will not open up and just shrugs or maintains he has no explanation, other than they make him angry.

OP posts:

EmpressCixi · 30/11/2021 17:35

I think the suggestions to punish an alleged offence of calling a teacher a c by taking phone, banning all friends, banning football, banning all game consoles, early bedtime, stripping his room to only bed and school books, forced sitting in lounge, forced weekend work is not proportionate to the alleged offence at all. It is extremely OTT and cruel.

Have you even asked your DS for his side of the story? Did he call this teacher that name, and if so, why did he do it?

Im a bit suspicious that a child who is lovely at home and lovely with all his other teachers is a horror for just one male teacher....it’s out of character. There has to be a reason why.

papayaorange · 30/11/2021 17:39

Have you got a partner to help you with this? Sorry for you.

Theunamedcat · 30/11/2021 17:39

Is it the subject matter?

EmpressCixi · 30/11/2021 17:41

Oh cross post. So it is two teachers. Keep trying to talk to him. Find out how they make him angry. Is he a child that gets angry easily? It might make more sense to say instead of punishing him, you want to help him learn how to deal with situations when a teacher makes him angry. Punishment only tells a person that what they did was wrong, it never shows them what they can do in future to handle things better or learn to manage emotions like anger.

I agree some proportionate punishment is in order, but since it isn’t working, the answer isn’t more severe punishment. It’s teaching the child how to navigate the situation better because it’s usually a case of they know what not to do, but don’t know what they can do instead.

Original poster

Lollysticks12 · 30/11/2021 17:45

@EmpressCixi it's 2 male teachers. Yes I have asked him for his version but as always my son maintains that the teacher was in the wrong and he got angry.
The whole class heard him say it, he was removed straight away. I still think that no matter how much you dislike a teacher or disagree with them he should not speak to anyone like that, there are no excuses.

OP posts:

NovemberNovemberDarkNights · 30/11/2021 17:46

Is there a family member/friend he might talk to? Kids sometimes find it hard to talk to their parents (no matter how lovely they are) through worrying about upsetting them. Some one a little removed can be much easier.

I think a lot of parents are FAR too quick to say 'not my little darling, he'd never do that' but it does honestly sound out of character for him. I don't think punishment is the answer this time (& that's FAR from my usual response).

EmpressCixi · 30/11/2021 17:49

@amillionmenonmars
Are you suggesting that this teacher lied about being called such a vile name? Or that she goaded him into it? Or that other boys made him do it.

I am listing several possible reasons why because this is a child where such misbehaviour is out of character. So it’s a red flag for there might be more to this than “bad child” going on. By the way, the teachers are men, not women and none of the scenarios I listed have never happened.

niceupthedanceagain · 30/11/2021 17:52

What subjects do they teach? I was always bunking off or getting thrown out of classes I struggled with

EmpressCixi · 30/11/2021 17:54

@Lollysticks12
So did he say how/why he thought teacher was in the wrong? Are you sure there are never excuses?

For example, I witnessed a teacher telling off a Muslim student for refusing to eat some pizza as it had pepperoni on it. The child said they’d ordered a cheese pizza as they cannot have pork products. The teacher said they were being ridiculous and should just pick the pepperoni off the pizza and eat it. The child said they couldn’t and asked whether there was something else they could eat. The teacher rolled her eyes and said the child could just go hungry if that was their attitude, took the pizza and binned it. The child then called her a nasty bitch.

Context matters.

walksen · 30/11/2021 17:54

"Have you even asked your DS for his side of the story?"

If you read the op she tried this once and the child lied. Children will then often tell other lies to minimise their role and exaggerate what other people did and leave out their own actions.

Sirzy · 30/11/2021 17:54

What does he think the teacher did wrong?

It’s not about defending the behaviour but to help him have the tools to react differently in future it would help that the Antecedent to the behaviour is known.

mybroomstick · 30/11/2021 17:58

Is she a cunt?

I must say several of mine at school certainly were.

ChloeDecker · 30/11/2021 17:59

you want to help him learn how to deal with situations when a teacher makes him angry.

You probably don’t want to use this exact phrase OP because the teacher(s) hasn’t ‘made’ him angry; the DS ‘feels’ angry, (as a perfectly normal and natural emotion that we experience) which he has, or should have, some control over or at least learn to. Hormones at this age could also be playing a part.

Talking to a 13 year old can be very difficult as a parent but certainly keeping calm ourselves, whilst being firm, can help model the correct behaviour that people should exhibit in these situations.

Also, to some of the posters who think it must not be a problem with the DS because other teachers or his family don’t see those outbursts do consider that it could easily be because those or some of those adults ignore some of the behaviour and these two teachers don’t.

I am not saying this is what is happening but am just play Devil’s Advocate for another scenario to consider.

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