Son called his teacher a c***

[Lollysticks12]

Gobsmacked, shocked, embarrassed by his behaviour, he is getting worse and no punishment seems to bother him.

13 year old son is now on report at school and is being sent to isolation for 3 days. At home he is lovely and funny but will not behave at school. He lies about how he's behaved at school then it's only when school call that I get the full story. I have made him email an apology.

I don't know what else to do, so far I've tried no football, no PS4, no phone, earlier bed time , no meeting friends. Not all at once though , does anyone have any suggestions?
He has already moved forms because of his behaviour and he calmed for a while.

@Soontobe60

This is how VAWAG starts. Boys using misogynistic slurs at females, people excusing them - ‘oh, he’s just a kid’ - it escalates because he gets punished and before you know it, he becomes violent.

How is this relevant when the teachers in question are men?

Sometimes it is far more effective to have a conversation,but this needs patience,because teenagers are always reluctant to speak about their inner struggles.there are also toxic teachers and I would be very interested,why this particular teacher makes your son angry.It is unacceptable,the words your son used,but simply taking things aways from him, will fuel his inner anger and it will come out eventually.

@saraclara

His behaviour is poor at school. He's been on report and it's been bad enough for him to have to be moved to a different class (presumably to give the rest of the class a break from him). He's also argued with the ref at football badly enough and often enough to have his Captain's badge taken from him.

So why are people continuing to paint him as misunderstood, and the teacher of deserving of being called a cunt by his 13 year old pupil? It's bizarre.

I dont think a teacher deserved it, but a 13 year old child playimg up like this, the idea is to change the behaviour isnt it? Hence trying to work out whats going on with him. You dont just give up on a kid. Sounds like a lot of people here have never met a kid with any difficulties before

A teacher cannot sign a report book / card until after the lesson as the report is on behaviour.

In just about every place I have worked (supply so I have done a lot) the child hands over the report card/book at the start of the lesson and I sign while most of the class are on their way out, child on report is the last to leave but not late to their next lesson.

Sometimes teachers do get it wrong. I work with excluded children. One that I'm currently supporting has a horrible home life, caring for a drunk parent and younger children. His main daily goals are to keep his siblings alive. Understandably he finds "stupid" school rules difficult. Sometimes he can't get all the children into clean tidy school uniform and when he can't he'll give a younger child his shirt. When a teacher embarrasses him by yelling down the corridor about his scruffiness/wrong uniform, when he's come to school after having to tell the children there's nothing for breakfast, yes he might call them a vile name. He did, that's why he was excluded.

@AndMatt - I discovered a poem, and I always have it in the front of my teaching folder.

I woke myself up

Because we ain't got an alarm clock

Dug in the dirty clothes basket,

Cause ain't nobody washed my uniform

Brushed my hair and teeth in the dark,

Cause the lights ain't on

Even got my baby sister ready,

Cause my mama wasn't home.

Got us both to school on time,

To eat us a good breakfast.

Then when I got to class the teacher fussed

Cause I ain't got no pencil.

By Joshua T. Dickerson

@sashh

Head teacher posted that one on Twitter a while back. It brought tears to my eyes.

He would also not have ever expected to be called a cunt at work though, regardless of the circumstances.

Be wary of the " oh he's fine for me". Some secondary teachers do this. Usually the ones that let the challenging kids get away with doing nothing so that they don't kick off!

[quote sashh]@AndMatt - I discovered a poem, and I always have it in the front of my teaching folder.

I woke myself up

Because we ain't got an alarm clock

Dug in the dirty clothes basket,

Cause ain't nobody washed my uniform

Brushed my hair and teeth in the dark,

Cause the lights ain't on

Even got my baby sister ready,

Cause my mama wasn't home.

Got us both to school on time,

To eat us a good breakfast.

Then when I got to class the teacher fussed

Cause I ain't got no pencil.

By Joshua T. Dickerson[/quote]
That made me cry, which is ridiculous because I deal with similar situations everyday.

I'm sure OP's DS's situation isn't as tragic but there will be something that means that sometimes these particular teachers are the final straw for him. That's not to say the teachers have done anything wrong, but anyone who wants to solve the issue needs to know what it is.

I was certainly a bit of a pain in the arse at school. I was a chatterer and a daydreamer.

But the teacher that threw a blackboard rubber at my head was a cunt. As was the pervert pe teacher and the bitch of a maths teacher that told me my parents must be devastated that I was their child.

Some teachers are definitely cunts.

I really need to step away from this board. But one more time.....it is NEVER acceptable to call anyone a cunt. Yes, there are some really poor teachers out there. Yes, there are children who have unimaginably tragic lives. But no person should have to tolerate being called a cunt.

Those of you trying to say that some teachers are, and that they deserve - do you think the same about someone serving you in a shop or in a bar, or the person processing your benefits claim, or the person trying to arrest one of your family.

No one should be harrassed, bullied or abused in their place of work.

Giving children the idea that the teacher 'deserved' it is poor parenting.

When Dd started secondary (she’s year 8 now) she struggled with the inconsistency, lack of clear instructions and just the general expecting to read a teachers mind.
She now gets it, she rolls her eyes and finds it amusing. But at the start she got really upset by being told off for stuff she hadn’t done wrong, or not knowing she was meant to do stuff. She’s a really good student but struggled with the difference in teaching styles from primary to secondary and again from teacher to teacher.

Something about those teachers is clearly causing your son an issue. But you can’t go through life calling people you dislike a cunt (at least to their face). We come in to contact with so many people we have to share a space with, we won’t like them all.
He sounds a bit explosive, maybe the therapy and anger management suggested above would be helpful.

clockledd - exactly. This is a young man awash in hormones who has a problem dealing with his anger (anger which might be justified for all we know).

Getting angry in return and piling on punishments will push him further away. He needs to know he has done wrong; but he also needs to know that you are by his side in wanting him to get this right when an anger-provoking situation arises again.

Some people are assuming that he does not understand that it is wrong to swear at a teacher in that way - I am sure he does know it is wrong, but is having trouble controlling his reaction.

The school have dealt with the consequences of the wrong act with their sanctions system - the parents now have to deal with moving him forward to a better place. They will not do that by pushing him away with a raft of punishments - if they get into a negative spiral and fall into the trap of simply labelling him as bad then it is likely that he will go from bad to worse. This is a tricky time and getting the reaction right can make the difference between him coming through this phase and going off the rails.

We accept that we have to help young people with so many things they struggle with; anger management is no different.

[quote Lollysticks12]@GnomeDePlume now you mention it, he had his team captain badge taken off him for arguing with the ref in a few matches. He hasn't done it since.[/quote]
Did he learn his lesson from this? You say he hasnt done it since so I would guess he did.

Perhaps a way in is to look at the parallels between the ref on a pitch and a teacher in school. It doesnt matter that a student/player thinks the teacher/ref is wrong. Use that sort of language at either of them and you are off the pitch. Those are the rules.

Does he do any other sport? Rather than taking sport away from him I would be throwing more at him. Push him into trying harder, using up more energy, channelling aggression into something useful. This is why I would look at things like martial arts, boxing (many a 'bad lad' has been turned around in a boxing club).

In terms of learning discipline, following rules etc do you have Army/Air/Sea cadets near you? Great for role models, good at dealing with bullying (IME) also they really 'get' teenagers, especially teenage boys. They are also good for teaching life skills through teaching cadets how to polish boots and iron uniform and such like. My DS would happily go to school looking like a scarecrow but took total pride in his cadet uniform and it was always properly presented.

In terms of talking with him, do you drive? I always found 'big' talks were easier in the car. No opportunity to walk away and no eye contact.

Dont give up on your DS. There is a lovely lad still in there. He just needs to work out how to keep the gobby one under control!

Dh is a teacher/ Sometimes his colleagues act like c*s. Sometimes that is the straw that breaks the camel's back with a child who is struggling.

My ds got into similar trouble when a teacher refused to allow him to use a laptop (due to his disability) the same teacher also refused to allow a dyslexic child to have coloured paper.

You need to find out what is triggering this behaviours with these two particular teachers.

@Comefromaway it doesnt matter whether he is being upset by a teacher or not. There is still no excuse for using that type of language, none whatsoever.

In this case he needs to learn (and quickly) to control his outbursts. He has learnt it on the football pitch he now needs to apply the self discipline at school.

OP can help him with this both with encouraging activities which reward self control but allow physical expression (sport etc) and also with showing him the proper channels for dealing with situations where there is perceived injustice.

OP he needs to give the teacher an apology face to face, not via email.

He needs to also learn to understand why what he did was wrong and how he should handle it in future.

Teachers can be difficult to deal with but he needs to learn to be the bigger person if he and a specific teacher have a mutual dislike for each other.
There'll be a lot of people he comes across in life he doesn't get on with.

Does he often lash out verbally?

Any teacher or parent who's only coping mechanism with a teenage girl or boy,who uses swearwords,is confisgating things should neither be a teacher nor parent.in fact,as quite evident from this thread,very few parents here seem to communicate with their son.No wonder,we have later in life boyfriends,husbands and also wifes,who dont now how to communicate about their inner anxieties.

@Thatldo

Any teacher or parent who's only coping mechanism with a teenage girl or boy,who uses swearwords,is confisgating things should neither be a teacher nor parent.in fact,as quite evident from this thread,very few parents here seem to communicate with their son.No wonder,we have later in life boyfriends,husbands and also wifes,who dont now how to communicate about their inner anxieties.

I agree with this. There's too much focus on punishment and not enough on understanding.

Absolutely

You need to draw a line in the sand on some things and swearing like that at a teacher is one of them. No one has said that to me in over 20 years of teaching (though I have been called other things) almost all students know even if they are feeling totally pissed off that is not a word they can let leave their mouths.
I agree with talking to him about what is going on and looking for answers. But all that would come after punishment and my extreme disappointment in him.

Although it is totally unacceptable, I do think some teachers could handle situations completely differently. I had similar issues with my son, he was lovely to most teachers then there were one or two which seemed to want to deliberately wind him up, knowing what his triggers were and what made him angry.

I think a lot of teenagers struggle with feeling unjustly treated at school.

In the OP's case I would use the parallels with football.

If DS has a problem with the ref DS now knows he is not allowed to shout at/argue with the ref. So if there is a problem, who does DS speak to? Answer, the captain. Who does the captain speak to? The captain may speak to the ref or alternatively after the match or at half time the captain can speak to the team manager who can then decide whether this is worth raising with the ref or the football league.

Put it into a school context:

If DS has a problem with the teacher DS now knows he is not allowed to shout at/argue with the teacher. So if there is a problem, who does DS speak to? Answer, DM. Who does DM speak to? DM may speak to the teacher or alternatively after school DM can speak to the form teacher/head of year who can then decide whether this is worth raising with the ref or the SLT.

Our DCs need to know we are on their team. This doesnt mean we will go in all guns blazing, it means we will try to properly sort the problem.

There is a difference between "excusing" and "understanding" which some posters seem confused about.

Unacceptable behaviour is unacceptable behaviour - full stop. But understanding why someone has done something unacceptable does not excuse the behaviour - it simply opens the way to doing something constructive about it.

@amillionmenonmars

I really need to step away from this board. But one more time.....it is NEVER acceptable to call anyone a cunt. Yes, there are some really poor teachers out there. Yes, there are children who have unimaginably tragic lives. But no person should have to tolerate being called a cunt.

Those of you trying to say that some teachers are, and that they deserve - do you think the same about someone serving you in a shop or in a bar, or the person processing your benefits claim, or the person trying to arrest one of your family.

No one should be harrassed, bullied or abused in their place of work.

Giving children the idea that the teacher 'deserved' it is poor parenting.

Step away from the thread. I'm going to as well. Hope you've had a good day.