Teen about to be kicked out of sixth form - what would you do?

[iammumm]

Hi all,

I have an 18 year old who's in his second year of sixth form, and is about to be kicked out due to unapproved absences (not showing up for class, sleeping in, etc). He's a really good kid overall - doesn't talk back, doesn't disobey, not generally moody - but his school can't keep him enrolled because his attendance is down to 70%.

His school has placed him on various probations and it's only getting worse - just because he's lazy, it's beyond frustrating.

We want him to be responsible and we don't wake him up because he's 18 and needs to learn responsibility and deal with real consequences, so us doing the helicopter parenting thing to make sure he's at school on time isn't an option anymore - it's well overdue that he does it himself.

We're all for tough love and think it's time for a gigantic kick up the arse, but he doesn't seem to be phased by anything, no threats, probations, nothing seems to work to get this issue resolved.

Any brilliant ideas from fellow teen parents?

I apologise for not making my original post more clear - completely my fault and I should have explained better. Obviously, like any semi-ok parent, we have been involved in waking him up over the years, but we don't anymore because of his age, his independence and his habits have become worse, so DH and I think it's time he becomes responsible in this area of his life.

I was in the same situation.

I begged sixth form to give him more chances and he somehow ended up finishing year 13.

Does your son work? Mine was super motivated when it came to work and training at work. Looking back I should have let the Sixth Form kick him out and encouraged the learning at work. Instead of uni he's in an apprenticeship and soaring. He started part-time work after GCSEs and went full-time after A-levels. He's now 20 and makes enough to rent a place and run a car

The thing is, if you micromanage now when do you stop? Do you move in with him at uni? Make sure he studies for professional exams? That would be madness.

The good news is, this is a good time to mess up. It doesn't matter if his future plans are delayed a year because he can go back to education if he discovers motivation and not having adult responsibilities like family make it easier.

What's his plan for next steps?

He’s a really smart kid if he’s predicted BCC with just over 70% attendance. He’s also in his second year of Alevels and there’s not many months more of that.

Really it would be in all your interests not to ease off the parenting gas at this stage as he still needs your support. Now’s not the time to step back.

Agree with him when to come off the gaming/electronics on a night to go to bed. And remove phone/laptop/gaming from his room after that time.

If you feel gaming etc is not the reason for his sleeping in perhaps get him checked over by a gp as falling asleep after you’ve got up, dressed and packed is not normal. Reminds me of ME, don’t get me wrong I’m not saying your DS has this, just that it may be worth speaking to the gp to rule any health issues out.

I really think you should try to nag him to go to bed earlier (Is he gaming?) and help him to wake him up. My mum would often drive me to college and pick me up just to make the task of being a student that much easier so that I could focus on getting good grades.

There have been times when he's woken up after I'd pestered him every 5 minutes until he finally stood up, I watched him go into the bathroom, he got dressed, packed his bag, and then when I see he hasn't left the house on time, go into his room and he's asleep again. Is it wrong of me to think this is 100%, no excuses, completely unacceptable behaviour and that he needs to deal with the consequences of his actions, rather than me mollycoddle him all the way to the door of his classroom at 18 years old with a beard n' shit?

Also, as some have kindly mentioned, parents have to work and have other children (and in our case, a smallholding on top of work/kids to take care of), so no, we're not having a lay in. I can't spend my entire morning making sure he's not crawling back into bed – we have 18 mouths to feed and need to go to work. C'est la vie.

Crawling back into bed is pretty extreme. I agree this one needs some hard knocks. He needs the safety net pulled away. I would be livid if I were you. I would be so disappointed at the utter waste and sheer laziness.

It's completely normal for teenagers to struggle to get up early. It's part of their biological development: they naturally go to bed later than adults, and need 10 hours of sleep per night.

There has been much research on this and pilot programmes in more enlightened countries to start school/ college at 10 or 11am, with much improved attendance and results.

It's not his fault that society has designed education in a way that doesn't actually cater for the physical needs of the young adults being educated. But since that's the case, of course you should help him to wake up on time!!

Ds has just dropped out of sixth form due to ME/CFS & mental health problems. He was in Y13, there was zero support available, school said I was being too soft on him by standing up for him to them. He has had excellent support recently from CAMHS & the ME service who have tried to get through to school that he has been struggling but school just don't get it.

I struggle horrendously with mornings and I'm 35... the only thing that's really sorted it for me is going fully self employed so I can work with my natural body clock, which involves doing my best creative work between 10pm and 3am, going to bed around 3-4am and getting up around 11-12. And I actually enjoy my work so it's much easier to get going. In my last "proper" job I was well over an hour late every day for the last few years I worked there - fortunately I had a rare, sensible boss who recognised my value was in the work I produced, not the time I sat down at my desk and looked alert. (And no, no one else had to pick up the slack - the role was one where no one else did the same thing or was able to cover my work.)

I also have ADHD, diagnosed this year, which may explain some of it and would have been helpful for all of us when my own parents were desperately trying to get me out of bed for school and sixth form.

He's a teen so he might grow out of it but it's a source of intense annoyance to me that society is so rigidly set up for people who can do mornings, and anyone who struggles just has to fit in and suffer.

In terms of practicalities, I live alone and on the days I have to get up early, motivation is now intrinsic because I love what I do, so finding him something he really loves is definitely a good start if possible.

More basically - alarms. I have six alarms on my fitbit, four on my phone and a sunrise alarm clock from Lumie. Pp's suggested of a loud one in a tin across the room is good, or one that needs active engagement to switch off - and if it's really important I also get a friend or my mum to call me to make sure I'm out of bed and getting ready / out the door and in the car.

Sorry if that's not what you wanted to hear, though - I've spent my whole life up to this year thinking and being told there must be something wrong with me for not being able to function on the same timeline as other people. Turns out my brain's wired a bit differently but the main issue is school/work/society insisting life must start early in the morning

You would have had a completely different set of responses if you had stated in your original post that your DS was getting dressed and going back to bed @iammumm, so I apologise for my comments.

If he is going back to bed is there something else at play here? Is he struggling mentally? Are there any underlying health conditions that need investigating?

In DD's case I was needing to wake her up because her CFS symptoms were becoming apparent, but DD was, and still is, paranoid about failing.

Wow if my teen was about to be kicked out of college whatever their age I think I probably would wake them up, whatever their age!

@iammumm

I apologise for not making my original post more clear - completely my fault and I should have explained better. Obviously, like any semi-ok parent, we have been involved in waking him up over the years, but we don't anymore because of his age, his independence and his habits have become worse, so DH and I think it's time he becomes responsible in this area of his life.

Your original post was clear, it was just totally different to your second post 🤷🏻‍♀️

We want him to be responsible and we don't wake him up because he's 18 and needs to learn responsibility and deal with real consequences,
Your ds may be 18 but he is still in school. You have let him down by not parenting him just because he reached the magical age of 18.

I think I'd ask for a meeting with the school so they can be clear face to face with him just how thin the ice is that he's skating on.
It sounds like you've tried and tried with him but frankly I don't think he's interested.
My rule ( both kids are in their mid 20s) was - earn or learn.
If he doesn't want to go to school he has to get a job. Don't give him money. He could well work for a year or two and go back and finish later.

Your original post was entirely clear, it was just completely contradictory to everything you’ve subsequently posted. So you can’t really go getting pissy at people responding to what you claimed the situation was.

He’s clearly behaving like a little shit, and has been for years. Your original post suggested the only issue at all was him having difficulties in the morning, but that you refused to intervene. Now it turns out that he is defiant, refuses to go to school and has a whole host of major issues.

As he’s still under your roof, when you say “face the consequences” these should be both at school AND at home. They should involve no internet, no socialising, nothing until school work is done. It shouldn’t be necessary to do that for an 18 year old because it should be instilled younger, but better late than never

Op one thing I don't see in your posts is have you taken him to a doctor to see if there is a medical reason why? I know you say late nights but at 18 a late night doesn't mean a teen can't wake up. Low vit D, low iron, coeliac's disease - there are lots of medical reason people can be tired, I was a fit 18 year old but when I sat down I would often fall asleep. Was known to fall asleep with my head against the wall in restaurants. But as soon as I was diagnosed with coeliac's disease ad went on a gluten free diet that all stopped.

Was that your only symptom @ittakes2?

I might mention this to DD.

Rampantlvy - yes it was my only symptom. Not everyone gets upset stomach's with ceoliac disease. I was diagnosed the old fashion way with a series of endoscopies rather than the blood test. My first test my stomach ville were destroyed, than I stayed off gluten for 6 months and 2nd test they had grown back and than I ate gluten again for 6 months and my stomach ville were destroyed again. BUT I never had stomach pain or upset. You can get constipated ceoliacs, or no silent ie no symtpom ceoliac's like me. For people like me its more of an autoimmune inflammation problem. The only other sign was a blood test showed I was low in iron- but lots of young females are.

Thank you @ittakes2. DD suffers from CFS and drops asleep all over the place. She also has other autoimmune conditions. Blood tests haven't picked up coeliac disease.

Is he actually well? Falling back to sleep after getting up and dressed is quite extreme.

I imagine he'll be fazed once he's kicked out.

There have been times when he's woken up after I'd pestered him every 5 minutes until he finally stood up, I watched him go into the bathroom, he got dressed, packed his bag, and then when I see he hasn't left the house on time, go into his room and he's asleep again. Is it wrong of me to think this is 100%, no excuses, completely unacceptable behaviour

Sounds a bit like a sleep disorder to me rather than laziness? But clearly you see it differently and you’re the one “on the ground” so you’re probably right. Still, worth considering?

I’m with the others who say wake him up.
I have ds the same school year and if he’s not up by a certain time we wake him up (he usually is as hates to be woken up.
I def used to wake up dd when she was in year 13, she’s often forget to set an alarm or fall back to sleep.
I don’t see an issue with it really.

I wouldnt wake him. Sooner or later he needs to take responsibility for himself and the sooner it happens the less painful it will be. So dropping out of 6th form is painful, but not nearly as painful as dropping out of uni or losing a job because you cant get up.

Just be very clear that, if he is not in full time education then he will be paying rent and paying for his phone, wifi etc. No job means you get his sole money for board andodging and he will be out of bed and the house all day mon-fri looking for work.

Children are carried, adults stand on their own two feet.