Teen about to be kicked out of sixth form - what would you do?

[iammumm]

Hi all,

I have an 18 year old who's in his second year of sixth form, and is about to be kicked out due to unapproved absences (not showing up for class, sleeping in, etc). He's a really good kid overall - doesn't talk back, doesn't disobey, not generally moody - but his school can't keep him enrolled because his attendance is down to 70%.

His school has placed him on various probations and it's only getting worse - just because he's lazy, it's beyond frustrating.

We want him to be responsible and we don't wake him up because he's 18 and needs to learn responsibility and deal with real consequences, so us doing the helicopter parenting thing to make sure he's at school on time isn't an option anymore - it's well overdue that he does it himself.

We're all for tough love and think it's time for a gigantic kick up the arse, but he doesn't seem to be phased by anything, no threats, probations, nothing seems to work to get this issue resolved.

Any brilliant ideas from fellow teen parents?

I would ask if he can still do the exams somehow and hope he can revise on his own. i would be begging the school to keep him on. But in my culture the minimum a parent can do their best for is get a kid some qualifications as they are life chances (and the blighters don't LEAVE unless the have something to leave for).

I'd be heart-to-hearting, finding role models to talk to him, and signposting anti-role models, ("look at x, he's not left home and he's 30 and miserable etc).

maybe I should calm down, but what would he do if he didn't have college? he'd have to get a job and they'd insist he was on time anyway and probably be min wage.

If it’s just the waking up he is struggling with then I would go back to waking him up. If it’s the difference between him finishing college or not it will be worthwhile.

I wake my year 13 son up regularly. He has 2 alarm clocks, phone alarm and a wake up light. Often still sleeps through them all. I'm not prepared to let him cock up his A levels because of it though.

Let him get kicked out.

Let him get a job for a year
Following year he can apply to a different college.

It'll do him good. Make him more focused. Be a life lesson. And also if he stays he won't do well if he's not been attending lessons.

Back off him. Tell him it's his decision but if he's kicked out needs to get a job

Say no phone bill paid, no internet access or whatever, until he attends.

My child was just like this and no amount of alarms helped. What did focus her mind was her dad going in her room, opening the curtains and flipping the mattress so she ended up on the floor. Took four days then she would shoot out of bed on hearing his feet coming up the stairs. If you can't flip the mattress then take the duvet out of the room. Make the room and bed uncomfortable and they WILL get up.

Wake him up.
And turn off internet at whatever time you go to bed.
And don't let him apply to a uni that will give him 9am lectures.

I don't get the issue with waking him up.
He's so close to finishing now that a little help will pay off.

No, strangely I don’t think you should allow him to fuck up his entire life. I’m my culture, getting your child through school and university is considered the bare minimum. He’s being a lazy little shit and coasting with sub-standard grades, the full consequences of this won’t hit him until he’s 40. He needs to either grow the hell up or be forced to do the minimum, that’s your job. If that involves litterally dragging him out of bed, it’s the lesser harm

(1) in bed by 10:39, if that means literally locked in a room with a mattress and blanket, so be it (2) no internet until homework and study done (3) tutor and mock exams every other week (4) point-based relaxing if restrictions dependant on his attendance, with 100% as the expectation

Get him to enrol at your local college on a course he actually likes- woodwork, hair & beauty, whatever. He can do a level 3 course in 2 years or an apprenticeship where he'll get a qualification out of it.

School doesn't work for everyone and it doesn't have to be the end of the world. If he's doing something he enjoys he'll put effort into it.

I would be very clear that if he gets kicked out he will be required to get a full time job and pay for his keep at the going rate for a room.

And no pocket money or financial support from you.

Loud alarm clock in a biscuit tin on the other side of the bedroom was the only thing that got me out of bed when I was a student.

Just leave him to face the consequences of his actions. There's no way I would be cajoling an 18 year old out of bed in the morning. Seriously? He's an adult. Let him fail. And then he'll step up and choose his path.

We helicoptered as in removing Xbox, phone when he had to revise. Also made sure he was up dressed and had breakfast before school. Once he got to university we were concerned but he got up and into lectures for nine am even if he studied half the night.

Just because he's a nice lad doesn't mean he wakes up early of his own accord. Yanking off the duvet, using wet flannels on feet we've done it all

I'm really hesitant to mention this but nobody said it to me three years ago and I wish it had been pointed out. My son scraped his A levels, had to repeat a year, couldn't get out if bed etcetc. He got to uni and was assessed as he was struggling. He is ADD which we had no idea about as he has covered with his intelligence. I'm just dashing out so this post is brief but if you want to pm me please do.

This was my son, although this was the end of first year 6th form . He left and got an apprenticeship. Honestly the best thing that happened to him. I think he just found 6th form a bit boring and couldn't deal with the fact that he was meant to motivate himself . For us I think it was better him leaving education at this point than if he'd scraped A levels and started and uni somewhere with all the costs involved in that .
Three years later he is still working for the company he went to on apprenticeship and has had two pay rises. Really enjoying the adult world and is motivated for the next step in his career .

Does your DS have any plans what he wants to do when he's finished college ?

OP tomorrow morning chuck a bucket of cold water over him before you go to work and tell him to get off his arse and go to school. I think sometimes the full consequences of actions are lost on teenagers, even if he is 18. Don't let him screw up his a levels, he will thank you in the long run. If he cant learn to get up for school then he won't get up for work.

Wake him up. Teens are programmed to need lots of sleep as their brains are rewiring, don't penalise him for something that isn't entirely his fault.

On the other hand my bright DD dropped out of A levels because she just felt it wasn't for her, she's been doing an apprenticeship and will do a foundation course to get into uni now she knows what she wants to do, so leaving A levels isn't necessarily a disaster.

Wake him in the mornings.

If he then goes to school, problem solved.

If he doesn't - you need to accept he is doing this on purpose and let him suffer the consequences.

I was kicked out for similar and then they let me enrol the following year so I did A levels over three years -have the school if said that's an option?

I suspect the 70% is due to funding, they would only qualify for Govt funding for someone with >70% attendance. Else Colleges would allow anyone to enroll to get the funding . .

I can’t relate at all to the way you are treating your 18 yr old ds. Ever heard of pragmatism, op? It’s the polar opposite of your bloody-minded, dogmatic approach. Relax your rigid principles, for Heaven’s sake, and just wake the boy up in the morning. If you can’t even bring yourself to do this for him, while he’s still under your roof, let’s hope for his sake he never gets into real trouble once he’s left home, because he’ll be on his own if this is anything to go by!

I don t know op. If he was clever he’d not be missing school as he’d understand the implications and his grade expectations are quite low as opposed to decent.

Personally I’d be waking him up, he’s an adult, he’s choosing not to go to school. It’s a choice he is making, make no mistake in that. It would be different if he wasn’t attending, doing home study and expecting As and Bs, but he’s not.

Overall he’s a poor performer messing up his own future, wake him up, he either goes or doesn’t. I suspect he won’t. Then you have your answer.

@Flowers500

No, strangely I don’t think you should allow him to fuck up his entire life. I’m my culture, getting your child through school and university is considered the bare minimum. He’s being a lazy little shit and coasting with sub-standard grades, the full consequences of this won’t hit him until he’s 40. He needs to either grow the hell up or be forced to do the minimum, that’s your job. If that involves litterally dragging him out of bed, it’s the lesser harm

Do you believe that anyone who doesn’t do A levels has “fucked their life up”?

Just wake him up, really parenting doesn’t end the second they turn 18. And please don’t do any of the unpleasant suggestions like locking him in his room or throwing cold water over him ( Just think for a second if your would consider that appropriate if done to you).