Teen about to be kicked out of sixth form - what would you do?

[iammumm]

Hi all,

I have an 18 year old who's in his second year of sixth form, and is about to be kicked out due to unapproved absences (not showing up for class, sleeping in, etc). He's a really good kid overall - doesn't talk back, doesn't disobey, not generally moody - but his school can't keep him enrolled because his attendance is down to 70%.

His school has placed him on various probations and it's only getting worse - just because he's lazy, it's beyond frustrating.

We want him to be responsible and we don't wake him up because he's 18 and needs to learn responsibility and deal with real consequences, so us doing the helicopter parenting thing to make sure he's at school on time isn't an option anymore - it's well overdue that he does it himself.

We're all for tough love and think it's time for a gigantic kick up the arse, but he doesn't seem to be phased by anything, no threats, probations, nothing seems to work to get this issue resolved.

Any brilliant ideas from fellow teen parents?

He's a really good kid overall - doesn't talk back, doesn't disobey, not generally moody - but his school can't keep him enrolled because his attendance is down to 70%.

He clear does 'disobey', because he has disobeyed the attendance rules!

Why do you think he is like this? Do you think there is something underlying it?

He’s clearly not that good a kid or he would be at school!!

Maybe school is not the best place for him right and spell in the work place paying rent might help him focus on what he wants. He may return to education later.

If he made it into his second year, his absence rate was presumably lower / manageable in his first year of 6th form. What has happened more recently? Do you feel that A levels are for him, or would he be better off looking at an apprenticeship or BTECs?

@rrhuth - I would say the simple explanation is that he goes to bed too late and doesn't wake up to his alarms. Very simple and ridiculous, I know, but something that absolutely needs to have a consequence so he learns. I feel like we're way past the point of punishments like taking away phone privileges and stuff, but maybe I'm wrong here and we should go back to basics - treat him like a child if he's going to act like one.

You have to make this his problem to sort. What’s his life plan? Uni? Job?

Maybe school isn’t for him -
One of mine thrived at college instead of school

Good luck.

@Lonecatwithkitten & @PineappleWilson
To be honest, school's never been his thing. He's a clever kids and can get by without much effort, but that's his problem, no effort, so he just scrapes by because he's never really cared about school. Just feel like he's soooo close to finishing A Levels it would be a crying shame for him to get kicked out now.

Have you asked him what his plan is for when he gets kicked out of school? Made it clear that he will need to support himself and get a job?

@noblegiraffe Yes, that's most definitely been made clear. He just says he's going to make sure it doesn't happen, but from what his form tutor says, it's not going in that direction. I guess it may take that to wake him up, unfortunately. :(

Does he want to finish his a levels? I had ds who did have to repeat a year because he got lazy but thought of failing them made him step up. If he is no longer bothered then it is going to be hard to motivate him. However, if you can talk to him and he does want to start trying again then yes I would start getting him out of bed. An ultimatum of either go to school or find a job and pay rent maybe the only way forward.

What are his grades? Because those matter more than attendance. If he’s getting As across the board, I’d fight the sixth form on the attendance rule. The whole reason they fixated on attendance is the myth that lack of attendance = fails exams. This isn’t true for really bright kids for whom sitting in a classroom is boring beyond belief because they’ve learned the material already.

Good grief.

I used to have massive difficulty waking up in the morning. My dad would have to open the door, turn my light on and talk to me. Then he had to check about 15 mins later in case I hadn't actually woken.

He did this because he's my dad, he loves me and he valued my education. He didn't want me to accidentally throw away the privilege of 6th form education.

He might be at the socially appropriate age but clearly he's not learnt that skill. Be his parent and ensure he wakes up.

3 mobile phone alarms & a Lumie Bodyclock were my salvation.

I only fixed it whilst I was at uni.

Can you sit him down for an adult chat and explain the Linley life consequences of this? Including, I assume, that if he gets kicked out you will expect him to get a full time job, pay rent and contribute to household bills? And in the long term, less career prospects, etc.

@SummerInSun We've had more conversations like this than I can count. Doesn't seem to phase him (obviously) because his attendance is getting worse. He hasn't actually FELT the consequences yet, so talking about them doesn't seem to help.

@PlanDeRaccordement

What are his grades? Because those matter more than attendance. If he’s getting As across the board, I’d fight the sixth form on the attendance rule. The whole reason they fixated on attendance is the myth that lack of attendance = fails exams. This isn’t true for really bright kids for whom sitting in a classroom is boring beyond belief because they’ve learned the material already.

His grades are decent - he's expecting a B and 2x Cs. I think the government requires a certain attendance, so that's why this is such a problem - I may be wrong here, but that's what I understand from his school.

Time for a heart to heart. Either he finds a job full time and pays rent or he stops being such self indulgent arse, grows up and gets organised. He is an adult.

Or Find him a new school and get him up every morning. Drag him out, pour cold water over him but get him up.

Any career worth having requires him to get up at a set time. Time for reality to hit home.

I'm probably a pushover but I'm not sure this far in to sixth form that I'd leave him to it if he'll otherwise manage to finish and come out with useful grades. I've been known to allow younger siblings to chuck water over a sleepy Y13 refusing to get out of bed and that seems to do the trick!

You shouldn't have to ....... but personally I'd help him now and leave him to face consequences for weekends and holidays and once he's done his A Levels.

@iammumm
I’d ask to see this “law” because I thought all children over 16 are no longer of compulsory attendance age and there is no legal requirement to have regular attendance. It could be more a local policy for them to pad out their Ofsted rating by having high attendance average. If his grades are decent, B and C, then it would be unfair to disenroll him as he is not failing his A levels.

He might be expecting 2 Bs and a C but he's not going to get them if he's not showing up. He'll be behind in his work and getting further behind every lesson he misses.

There aren't any government attendance requirements, that will be a college thing. But as he is 18, they are perfectly within their rights to kick him out if he is breaking an attendance contract and it's clear what the consequence is.

Perhaps you should try getting him out of bed in the morning to help him into a routine of getting up, if your preference is for him to stay in college? As a short term measure? If he resists getting up when you tell him to, then you've done your bit.

I think there's no shame in helicoptering here. He's getting good grades, he's so close to finishing, are you really willing to accept him getting kicked out at this stage? If it was uni, fair enough. But he really is on the cusp of adulthood here, still in mandatory full time education. Your approach isn't working, you're still his parent.

Otherwise your only other option is to just let him get kicked out? What other option is there? Then what will he do? Will you pay for him to laze around, or kick him out? Either way, he will have better life choices if you can just parent him until he's finished school. After that, it's on him.

I really think you need to wake him up and tell him it's time to go to school. His age doesn't matter- DH still wakes me up to go to work and I'm no teenager.

While he's at sixth form and living at home you need to parent him. You might need to remind him to change his sheets, prompt him to put the bins out and get him out of bed for school. You can't just say he's 18 now and expect him to do everything independently. Even adults who live together have to remind each other to do things sometimes.

He may technically be an adult but he clearly still needs help from you. I don’t understand this business of tough love, he must just look after himself. He is your child and if you don’t look out for him, no one will.

Help him to wake up in the morning and get to school on time. It is not that onerous

There is only so much you can do, and the school also..and not worth all the worrying, He is old enough now, to be able to tackle what lies ahead. and to get on with things. He may come up with some enterprising ideas later, if he can ever get organised.

I agree with you if he can’t get his act together to get up and to school (presuming attendance is out all day not just 15min late because he got next bus) how can he be committing to sitting and doing Alevels when he can’t even get to school.

Either you both talk school and wangle some last chance with him being 100% or you accept come end term they may do thanks but no thanks.

Does he have Mates all planning go Uni next Year? How will he fee when they go off and start adult lives and he’s facing dead end job or trying find apprenticeship?