Teen about to be kicked out of sixth form - what would you do?

[iammumm]

Hi all,

I have an 18 year old who's in his second year of sixth form, and is about to be kicked out due to unapproved absences (not showing up for class, sleeping in, etc). He's a really good kid overall - doesn't talk back, doesn't disobey, not generally moody - but his school can't keep him enrolled because his attendance is down to 70%.

His school has placed him on various probations and it's only getting worse - just because he's lazy, it's beyond frustrating.

We want him to be responsible and we don't wake him up because he's 18 and needs to learn responsibility and deal with real consequences, so us doing the helicopter parenting thing to make sure he's at school on time isn't an option anymore - it's well overdue that he does it himself.

We're all for tough love and think it's time for a gigantic kick up the arse, but he doesn't seem to be phased by anything, no threats, probations, nothing seems to work to get this issue resolved.

Any brilliant ideas from fellow teen parents?

@Flowers500

(1) in bed by 10:39, if that means literally locked in a room with a mattress and blanket, so be it (2) no internet until homework and study done (3) tutor and mock exams every other week (4) point-based relaxing if restrictions dependant on his attendance, with 100% as the expectation

Jesus, you sound like a nightmare parent! You’re suggesting that the OP abuses her child?

There's no funding implications for poor attendance post-16. Whether someone attended 100% or 50% makes no difference. There are funding implications for not completing a course though so it surprises me that they would kick someone out for low attendance. It is of more benefit to them financially to let them sit the exams and get results.

Because of feckless laziness and irresponsibility your son is about to leave school without completing the syllabus so no qualifications.

All thanks to his parents. You must be very proud.

[quote PlanDeRaccordement]@iammumm
I’d ask to see this “law” because I thought all children over 16 are no longer of compulsory attendance age and there is no legal requirement to have regular attendance. It could be more a local policy for them to pad out their Ofsted rating by having high attendance average. If his grades are decent, B and C, then it would be unfair to disenroll him as he is not failing his A levels.[/quote]
No it's not the law but attendance is a requirement for the sixth form to receive their funding for him and they have to demonstrate they've taken steps to address attendance which has fallen below the required level.

My daughter did A levels last year - she set about six alarms in the mornings as she found it difficult to wake up. I would call her 2/3/4 times. Please don't give up on your son. Apprenticeships are very hard to get even with A levels. If he can't get a job then he will have no motivation and then what happens? He will be living with you for ever ! Sit him down, make a new plan with him and try to help him through this- one last push - not very many months left

Do you consider him a teen or an adult?
I am sorry I think I would have made sure he was awake in the mornings. And try and work out why he is staying up late. My daughter was diagnosed as having ADD and a symptom is staying up late/struggling with getting to sleep due to an overactive mind and poor time keeping / messiness / inability to organise herself, always forgetting and losing things.

For me personally, I would ensure he was awake and up and I'd run him to college - I work for myself so this is something I would be able to do, I appreciate you'll probably have a different set up. If you can't take him, then ensure he's out the door

I view an 18 year old as a teenager in need of support and help. You say he's up very late ... I'd be telling him to go to bed at xyz time and I'd remove the ability to play on any consoles past a certain time. Appreciate you can't do this with his phone etc but you could ask for it to go outside of his room from a certain time

You say he's generally well behaved and toes the line ... try the above and see what he says

At least then, you could be reassured that you had done all you could to ensure his attendance. And if he still couldn't be arsed? Well the consequences are all on him

Any brilliant ideas from fellow teen parents?
At this age they respond more to peer pressure than parents.

How did he fare last year during lockdowns. Wasn't that all home learning and self-motivation - where's his mojo gone?

I think you are being a bit deluded if you think he is a ‘clever kid who can get by on much effort’. His grades are pretty poor and he could probably put a bit more effort in, and actually show up to learn.

What is he studying?

My son sounds very much like yours, whatever others say he is a good kid but a bloody nightmare to wake up - what would I do? I wake my son up and make sure he gets to school, I don’t micromanage him at night, if he’s tired he’s tired but I do wake him

Yet another person here to mention the possibility of ADHD. Even if its not that, he's clearly struggling for whatever reason, and needs help rather than his parents leaving him to fail.

Also, don't forget that it's easy to get in a funk. He may be way behind in his work and doesn't know how to make things better. The simplest solution is to bury your head in the sand.

Sometimes they just need some guidance to lead them out of the mess of their own creation.

In my experience the best approach is to remove privileges like money and being allowed to go on nights out with friends. I used to teach 18yos and they all attended when their parents stopped their cash, phone and alcohol.

Do you think if you told him to go to bed at 9.30pm, it would help? Think I'd switch off the Internet and his lights at 10pm Sunday to Thursday .

Why would you deliberately set your son up to fail? What a shitty thing to do

Waking someone up in the morning isn't being a helicopter parent FGS.

And I don't subscribe to the view held by some mumsnetters that children automatically become responsible adults the minute they turn 18 either.

I wake my kids up 16 & 20 one for school one for work. My eldest is a lazy so and so but hated school and faffed about once he left them went to college and is doing really well in an apprenticeship.

I helped him apply for college, access to engineering 6 months taster. I helped practise for interview and I helped with his English assignments as he struggles a bit. Now he’s off on his own except the odd Knock on his door in the morning. That’s supporting your child not helicopter parenting.

I am another one thinking you should wake him up. DH and I successfully launched two DS into adulthood with decent careers they are happy with.

At age 18 boys in particular are not necessarily mature enough to make good decisions about things like getting up. They may also fail to really consider the consequences of leaving school. They tend to live in the moment.

One DS in particular was influenced by peers and needed some real support and pretty firm encouragement to complete things like an English test he needed to pass.

Helping your son won't ruin his development and it might open doors for him. I agree, don't set him up to fail or stand by and watch him fail.

@Mojoj

Just leave him to face the consequences of his actions. There's no way I would be cajoling an 18 year old out of bed in the morning. Seriously? He's an adult. Let him fail. And then he'll step up and choose his path.

... or he'll become a burden on them, a lazy, surly layabout?

In a household that can, thus may well - financially support that 18 year old, how do you physically stop them 'quitting' in life?

I'd be helicoptering the stuff you can; out of bed at this time, your turn to do the washing up- time.

Without the serious consequences of 'failure' (homelessness, etc,), what incentives are there to buck up your ideas if you 'leave them to work if out'. Lock the kitchen at night? Weld his bedroom radiator off?

My 19 year is at college but living at home - i wake her up if l think she's still asleep when she has an early start and she'd do the same for me. i think waking your son up is reasonable, as others have said there's only a few months to go. i think he needs more not less support to get him through his A levels.

@2bazookas

Because of feckless laziness and irresponsibility your son is about to leave school without completing the syllabus so no qualifications.

All thanks to his parents. You must be very proud.

You've never patented a 15-19 year old boy, have you?

Choice getting a job, an apprenticeship or attend a different college. No lazing at home gaming.

Haven't read your entire thread, but is it possible your son is suffering from depression?

We want him to be responsible and we don't wake him up because he's 18 and needs to learn responsibility and deal with real consequences
So you are willing to watch him lose his education and be thrown out of school just on principle .

You would not be failing as a parent if you made him get out of bed in the morning and stayed on his case until he finished sixth form. For goodness sake don't stand by and do nothing, you may regret this approach forever.

Most 18 year old boys are immature and still need to parental input. I suspect many of those on MN who urge you to leave him to it don't have teenage children.

If it really is mostly a case of just not waking up I’d be helping with the waking and throwing his covers off in the morning like my dad used to do

Why would you deliberately set your son up to fail? What a shitty thing to do hmm. Waking someone up in the morning isn't being a helicopter parent FGS.

I agree with this. Wake him up. He is asleep and tired. Just make sure he is up when you go out.

And my dh wakes me up with a cup of tea every morning because I don’t sleep well and struggle to get up for work.