Teen about to be kicked out of sixth form - what would you do?

[iammumm]

Hi all,

I have an 18 year old who's in his second year of sixth form, and is about to be kicked out due to unapproved absences (not showing up for class, sleeping in, etc). He's a really good kid overall - doesn't talk back, doesn't disobey, not generally moody - but his school can't keep him enrolled because his attendance is down to 70%.

His school has placed him on various probations and it's only getting worse - just because he's lazy, it's beyond frustrating.

We want him to be responsible and we don't wake him up because he's 18 and needs to learn responsibility and deal with real consequences, so us doing the helicopter parenting thing to make sure he's at school on time isn't an option anymore - it's well overdue that he does it himself.

We're all for tough love and think it's time for a gigantic kick up the arse, but he doesn't seem to be phased by anything, no threats, probations, nothing seems to work to get this issue resolved.

Any brilliant ideas from fellow teen parents?

(1) in bed by 10:39, if that means literally locked in a room with a mattress and blanket, so be it

This may be OK in your culture, but it isn't here. I'm pretty sure you can't lock an adult in.

I'm 63, and DH wakes me up with a cup of tea every morning as well

BCC is not actually that decent, he may be struggling to go to school because he doesn’t find the subjects interesting or he doesn’t like the school.

There is no point to do all the work of waking him up and get him through his A levels if that puts him in a path to fail further down the line. It is much better he leaves school now owing nothing than dropping off university with a massive debt.

Wonder if it would be possible for him to leave school for a year so he can learn about his prospects without qualifications ie. he needs to find a job, pay you the going rate for a room and let him be in charge of his cooking, laundry and a proportional part of the bills. (You can save the money for him to use later without telling him, but he needs to know what kind of life he can afford without skills).

@PlanDeRaccordement

What are his grades? Because those matter more than attendance. If he’s getting As across the board, I’d fight the sixth form on the attendance rule. The whole reason they fixated on attendance is the myth that lack of attendance = fails exams. This isn’t true for really bright kids for whom sitting in a classroom is boring beyond belief because they’ve learned the material already.

The thing is, academic staff are probably having to work double duty to keep him up to date. It isn't fair

It's always interesting when laziness gets blamed on the parents. Its like people genuinely believe that as parents you can mould every aspect of your child into what you want them to be, like clay. It's not the simple. Are you an exact copy of your parents, and they of their grandparents? Or do you have your own thoughts and opinions and personality traits? It really is not as simple as "if your child has X bad trait, it must be the parents fault".

Deliberately watching him sleep in rather than wake him is the polar opposite of helicopter parenting!
He's failing and you're standing idly by. Maybe he's getting the vibe from you that you're not bothered either and none of it really matters?
Insisting he's a "good kid, who doesn't disobey" in this situation is risible, really.
You need to get more involved. He may be 18 but he's still at school.

Bollocks he ‘can’t wake up’.

In a different generation he’d have been working for three years by now.

I have a slightly different approach:

1. Household eats dinner together every night. You talk about his day and what’s coming up tomorrow. After dinner he goes to prepare for the next day

1. He gets some quite substantial household chores to do. Regular ironing, car washing, bathroom cleaning etc. Suddenly studying and going to school doesn’t seem so bad

1. He gets a part time job, just at weekends, cafe or something. Easy, fun and low paid… again school and a levels will seem more attractive

1. Be on his side. Make an appointment to go to school WITH him, meet his HOY, and agree hope you, school and he are going to work together to finish his a levels

1. Make sure he gets to sleep by 10.30 and go into his room in the mornings and open his blinds and watch him get out of bed if you need to.

You need to put the work in, and so does he.

This isn’t true for really bright kids for whom sitting in a classroom is boring beyond belief because they’ve learned the material already
Predictions of B's and C's don't suggest he's in this category, tbh.

He's 18. If he fucks his life up at this age, that's on him. I fucked up my college experience too, dropped out, and my parents kicked me out because I refused to go. Fine. I had some rough years. I went back to college of my own accord and now I am studying at Uni in my mid 20s.

The life path society says you have to take doesn't suit everyone.

Cancel the Xbox subscription if he has one.

childlawadvice.org.uk/information-pages/school-exclusion/

Applies to 6th form in school. Always worth knowing process etc

@LynetteScavo

I really think you need to wake him up and tell him it's time to go to school. His age doesn't matter- DH still wakes me up to go to work and I'm no teenager.

While he's at sixth form and living at home you need to parent him. You might need to remind him to change his sheets, prompt him to put the bins out and get him out of bed for school. You can't just say he's 18 now and expect him to do everything independently. Even adults who live together have to remind each other to do things sometimes.

Agree

@Noeuf

childlawadvice.org.uk/information-pages/school-exclusion/

Applies to 6th form in school. Always worth knowing process etc

Maybe she should haul his ass into school before asserting his legal right not to be excluded 🙄

If things are moving to exclusion she needs to know the process. I would never recommend someone doesn’t educate themselves on their rights, what a weird suggestion.

Don’t abandon him OP.

Much better that he finishes his A levels in 2 or 3 years if need be, or transfers to something useful.

Being socially left behind by drifting around can be absolutely devastating… think proper dead end jobs, drugs, isolation, mental health problems and worse.

He’s nearly done 4 out of 6 terms. Grit your teeth and push him through it. He hasn’t got the perspective or wisdom to make a better decision for himself at the moment.

What a load of mollycoddling, helicopter parents we have on here. He's bloody 18 years old. He shouldn't need his mammy to haul his arse out of bed in the morning!! If you treat your 18 year olds like kids, then that's how they'll behave. So he fails his exams. Big deal. If he's that bothered, he'll repeat the year. If not, he gets a job. And, for the record, I do have teenagers.

If someone threw a bucket of water on me while I was asleep, they'd be getting a bucket of water thrown on them.

I think your son has lost his way. It's great that you're looking for others' experiences on MN.

MN never fails to amaze in its inability to walk a mile. Everyone thinks their 'lived experience' is the same as everyone else's.

My eldest was a bit of an issue. In a good school who supported him every step of the Y7-11 way. He was at 15, lazy and unmotivated. It was driving a serious wedge between us to the point where I had to tell him, Feb, pre GCSEs that I would try and stop nagging as it was destroying our relationship.

He duly underperformed in 6/10. Not badly, AABBBBBBCC. Thus onto sixth form with the same attitude.

By half way through Y12 it was evident, the direction of travel. He attended, sure, but the work wasn't being done. So I stepped in and changed that direction.

I was calm, I was 'considered', but I said 'A levels are over, you need an alternative, but that alternative isn't sponging off me. You're PT at Tesco, you'll go FT. You're not 'doing nothing'. It's fine to work FT in Tesco, there is no shame in that. Many, many do. But you're not sitting in your room gaming, at my expense, darling. One day, dad and I won't be here to support you and bail you out.'

Then I found a 2 year, 3 A level equivalent extended diploma BTEC in computing at a local tech. Which he enrolled in. Knowing his A levels weren't happening.

Suddenly, he got it. Aged 17. A few ups and downs, but the beauty of a BTEC is you're constantly handing in work. A couple of exams only.

He's now in his final year at uni doing software engineering.

I hope your son will mature enough to change direction. A levels may not be for him since it's falling apart in Nov of Y13.

@EverNapping

Good grief.

I used to have massive difficulty waking up in the morning. My dad would have to open the door, turn my light on and talk to me. Then he had to check about 15 mins later in case I hadn't actually woken.

He did this because he's my dad, he loves me and he valued my education. He didn't want me to accidentally throw away the privilege of 6th form education.

He might be at the socially appropriate age but clearly he's not learnt that skill. Be his parent and ensure he wakes up.

3 mobile phone alarms & a Lumie Bodyclock were my salvation.

I only fixed it whilst I was at uni.

This . I'd be in there smashing a drum to wake him up and pull the duvet off

I'd be in there smashing a drum to wake him up and pull the duvet off

I could still sleep through that. It can make some people more determined not to give into you. Where I lived when I was 17, We had to get up at 7. I refused. They started banging pots and pans. I still refused.

Besides, don't parents have to go to work? Are you going to miss work because your son won't get out of bed?

I think a lot of suggestions may just make him resent you and thus become more hard-headed towards getting up. He might not be tired, might be able to get up, but won't want to give you the satisfaction of having "won".

He's failing and you're standing idly by. Maybe he's getting the vibe from you that you're not bothered either and none of it really matters?

I think you may be right @GreyhoundG1rl. He will be getting the message that A levels don’t really matter.

While he's at sixth form and living at home you need to parent him…You can't just say he's 18 now and expect him to do everything independently. Even adults who live together have to remind each other to do things sometimes.

This ^^ x 100. I used to wake DD up, but now she is at university she gets herself up.

As for 18 being the magic number the government tells you they are an adult - I don’t buy it. The times kids develop are different. Many are privileged to allow their kids to get on with it. I am not.

I agree @ulez

What a load of mollycoddling, helicopter parents we have on here. He's bloody 18 years old. He shouldn't need his mammy to haul his arse out of bed in the morning!! If you treat your 18 year olds like kids, then that's how they'll behave. So he fails his exams. Big deal. If he's that bothered, he'll repeat the year. If not, he gets a job. And, for the record, I do have teenagers.

You are talking a load of bollocks @Mojoj. Getting someone out of bed is not mollycoddling or being a helicopter parent. I’m glad you weren’t my mother. You are so hard hearted and it is clear that you don’t understand other teenagers at all. Not all teenagers become responsible adults the minute they turn 18

I would also just get him up in the mornings and out the door. There is only 6 months left and it’s such vital 6 months. The grand finale of 13 years of studying. He will learn to be responsible later in life, but he will at least have qualifications completed.

Yes @Snoken exactly.

I wouldn’t be cracking on to him but I would do whatever was needed to get him through at this stage.