DS won't move school

[PardonBeeOne]

We bought a house and had to move 45 miles away. The house was what we could afford and did not want to miss the opportunity.
I foolishly promised my DS 13, that he would not have to move schools as I would have kept my job in our old area.
Then I started wfh and the driving is no longer possible. I was on a/ll when schools opened and have experienced this drive for a week, it's a nightmare and it's tiring. Then the fuel problem came!

It's not sustainable

Now DS does not want to move schools. My fear is if I force the issue, it might affect his grades therefore wanted to involve him as much as possible. But the drive is killing us, it's tiring even though there is 3 of us taking turns 😔
We sat down with him, explained how things have changed, how costly and tiring this arrangement is but he says ‘it’s not my problem, you decided to move house not me’ 😳

WWYD?

Is op coming back

Seems to me if op was still working in that area she would find a way to make it work and afford the petrol etx

But now isnt , she doesn’t care

Yes obv driving 45m for school is a long way and tbh you shouldn’t have promised

But it’s happened

Unless he is always going to travel every weekend to see friends then really needs to move school locally. To make new friends

If it was for a year I would suck it up. But it’s for 3/5yrs depending if college or 6th form

So new school locally

@Nocutenamesleft

I agree with the others. It’s mean to move him when you promised you wouldn’t. He’ll lose trust in you now

Not really.

At 13, kids can start to learn that things don't always go to plan in life. He's not a baby.

Obviously his parents were trying their best to keep him in the same school, and he knows that, but now it's just not sustainable - he is perfectly capable of understanding that and it doesn't mean he will "lose trust" in his parents.

He is just acting out because he's finding it difficult and needs support with the adjustment.

@brittleheadgirl

I'm guessing you've chosen to wfh? If your workplace is still open then it's obvious that you need to return to work and make the journey with your son each day.

Moving him at 13 is cruel and if it's purely so you can enjoy the advantages of wfh then frankly I'm appalled.

This is ridiculous. Your son will gain independence from travelling to school on his own. If he doesn’t want to do that then he clearly isn’t as hung up on staying at that school and needs to move schools.

Could you get him involved in one or two local groups in your new area eg. Football team or other sport? I would imagine he would be more agreeable to a move if he already had local friendships in place and some familiar faces when/if he started a new school.

@MarshmallowSwede

So many of you are so clueless.. your children must be little dictators at home.

And the same ones on here telling OP to drive him are likely the same ones screaming about saving the planet and people driving less. Hilarious…

Anyway.. In the real world where parents actually parent and are not letting a 13 yr old dictate household rules tk them, a child is explained why a move happens, provisions are made for the new school and that child starts the new school and adjusts.

You set realistic expectations for children. Doing unreasonable things for a child that any normal rational person would see is not sustainable only teaches the child to be entitled and that they should expect that no matter how unreasonable their demand is, that it should still be met. You don’t do your child a service by doing this.

If it’s that much of an issue then just put him on a bus and get to school that way… but the easiest solution and best solution is him just moving to a new school. You and your son are both making your life harder than it has to be.

This.

People have always avoided moving children in secondary school, there really isn’t a great deal of movement, especially in year 9. I think you’re in a very tricky situation as you promised he wouldn’t have to change schools. Could you consider renting your house and moving closer to school until he’s finished year 11?

Thing is it's a lot worse to move him now than it would have been if OP had done it at the start of term.
OP made a couple of bad decisions, I hate this view that teenagers must just suck it up. Imagine if a spouse did something similar to you - it's not the moving school in itself that's so bad, it's the inability to make the right decision at the right time and then go back on your promise.

That's a lot of petrol costs. Must be one of his friends parents who could use that money to let him stay over a few nights a week. After a few months of shifting between houses, he may choose to pick another school for next year.

And 'he says ‘it’s not my problem, you decided to move house not me’ '?
That attitude needs knocking on the head, promise or no promise. Fast forward a few decades, and that kid will NOT be getting power of attorney!

I wonder if could strike a deal with a caravan owner so you can hire it Monday PM to Friday AM and not in the school holidays and work from there?

I would see if there were any upcoming open days at the nearby schools to see if he would entertain a visit.

Is he Yr9? has he decided on GCSE options? It might be there's a better offer of subjects at your more local schools.

You do really need to lay off the guilt of the costs and how tiring it for you. You promised him

So many of you are so clueless.. your children must be little dictators at home

How does children having a voice and being respected mean they’re dictators?
He has an established life where he is, he was promised he could keep that life. Do you seriously think you should raise kids not having a voice or opinion and then kicking them out into the world saying ‘ah you’ll be alright!’

13 year old children do not have fully mature brains, there are lots of studies to show this, why would you expect a child to react like an adult? In my opinion resilience is built by having secure and loving relationships with people who care about you and take your views and opinions into account not by being told tough just get on with it because the adults get to behave however they want. The move might have been necessary but the parents have really gone wrong promising something they now can’t deliver. The situation is even worse as term has started, there will probably be less available school places and it will be much more difficult to settle in mid term. I’d apologise and look at all the options- public transport, staying with a friend or relative,renting closer, moving schools. I’d involve him in those discussions

OP moved to suit herself and was prepared to do the driving when it involved a journey to her place of work.

Promises were made and now you’ve moved the goalposts because it’s no longer convenient. Your DS has been taken away from his locality and friends and now you want to remove him from the security of his school and friends.

If there are three of you taking turns, you’re doing it twice a week at most. He’s doing it every day. I think the only thing you can do is to carry on for now and explore the possibilities of a local school. If he gets to know people in the area, he may be more willing to look at options. If he is going to move, it should be before the start of year 10 and GCSE though.

OP needs to do her research and present an actual, real alternative to her DS rather than "you need to move schools to make our lives easier". She needs to find a place at an excellent local school with a great reputation for academics and pastoral care and then say "I messed up, sorry. This is what's going to be happening". If this can't be done (because no half-decent school has places available), then he needs to stay where he is.

To be honest I think you made this problem so actually I think you should fulfil your promise to him.

This isn’t about being allowing a child to be a dictator…. It’s about the fact that if your parents make a very specific promise then it’s reasonable that they should have to fulfil that.
Now personally I wouldn’t have made that promise because I might have foreseen it would be difficult. But that’s water under the bridge. Being trustworthy is an important thing to model.

OP, if you're still in the same job, call your employer and explain that you're driving to the area regardless for the continuity of your son's education, and would like to work from the office as you used to. I'd be astonished if they said no. Then you can keep the promise you made to him.

Well, he’s right. You did decide to move. It’s unfair to uproot him from his friends and his school when you promised him he wouldn’t have.
You need to now find a way to make this work.

I'm not a teen but I'd not have great sympathy either if someone moaned about how tiring it was to do a commute that they willingly agreed to.
Hope OP comes back and advises if any public transport options. Doing the trip one way twice a day would be tiring but doable if there is a bus or train the teen can take.

@Oblomov21

Is he year 8? Because I would move him to a closer school NOW in plenty of time for GCSE's. But yes, I think you were very very unfair on him, to not consider this all, to promise he could stay, to not have considered the driving, and his tiredness. Obviously you couldn't have predicted covid, but many of the issues don't actually relate. It feels like you just wanted the house and didn't think through his schooling enough. Schooling and ds's would have been my number 1 priority re moving and buying a house.

I'd echo this. Whilst I think what you've done is pretty shabby I think if he's yr8 and yet to start GCSE's (assuming its yr 9 to start them in your area) then he needs as much time to get his head round the change as possible.

I think someone else was pressuring you to make this house move and you just 'went along with it' for the sake of peace.
Because did you really go into something like buying a house, which takes months to do, loads of financial examination and careful thought and consideration....and still turned a blind eye to some crucial elements.
The petrol cost thing is just another 'reason' you have come up with because you were prepared to pay the petrol costs when you bought the house.
You were prepared to do that drive before. Involve your son in some sports or clubs locally and then he might be OK to move next September if he knows people.
Just because a person is only 13 doesn't mean they have to be railroaded into things just because their mother changed her mind about doing a commute because she now has the choice to work from home.

Parents are allowed to make changes...it's part of the parent child dynamic.
Military families to many changes and moves through the school life of their children, they cope

I am very amused by all of you saying she should drive 180 miles a day taking the 13yr old child and still work full-time as she is now a home based worker. Get a grip on yourselves.
The child moves school and makes new friends it happens it's life, we don't all live in a happy world of bowing down to our children's every whim. I have 3 adult DC and one adult Foster DC and I did all I could for them to have a happy and supported school life. Would I have driven 180 miles a day to take them to school? Like hell I would.
Also 13yr old on public transport 90 miles round trip to school and back alone each day? Would any of you honestly put your 13yr old alone on public transport 5 days a week? If the OP had asked this how much Pearl clutching would go on?

The child moves school, he learns the world is not actually rotating around him (valuable life lesson) and life moves on.

I can't see why the OP can't work at her office in school time and then at home during the school holidays. School holidays last 1/4 of the year.

But I think it was a ridiculous thing to promise in the first place - 45 miles is a heck of a school commute.

(and in answer to a previous poster - yes it's also hardly eco-friendly, but that's not the reason the OP doesn't want to do it0

I think (once you've given him some kind of punishment for the way he spoke to you),

13 year olds are not fully mature and should not be punished for not saying things in the most diplomatic way.
He's basically right. This situation is entirely of the OP's own making. She decided to move to a different area knowing it would be disruptive. She promised to keep doing the drive, and it's only because it's not convenient for her any more (and cynically I would wonder if she was always thinking that wfh was on the cards - most offices are moving homeworkers back to the office, not people already in the office to home!) that she doesn't want to do it. Basically OP has made some poor choices, but they've worked out well for her - the only person they have negatively impacted is her DS. And she needs to recognise this, empathise, and work with him, not punish him. I do agree that this will of necessity mean not driving him every day for the next 3 years, but some of the comments on this thread are appalling. OP should have just said from the start that he was moving schools and moved him for the start of term. But she didn't.

Does everybody here have bottomless pockets and live on a planet with no climate concerns? 180 miles per day. At 50 miles/gallon that's over £100 a week!