DS won't move school

[PardonBeeOne]

We bought a house and had to move 45 miles away. The house was what we could afford and did not want to miss the opportunity.
I foolishly promised my DS 13, that he would not have to move schools as I would have kept my job in our old area.
Then I started wfh and the driving is no longer possible. I was on a/ll when schools opened and have experienced this drive for a week, it's a nightmare and it's tiring. Then the fuel problem came!

It's not sustainable

Now DS does not want to move schools. My fear is if I force the issue, it might affect his grades therefore wanted to involve him as much as possible. But the drive is killing us, it's tiring even though there is 3 of us taking turns 😔
We sat down with him, explained how things have changed, how costly and tiring this arrangement is but he says ‘it’s not my problem, you decided to move house not me’ 😳

WWYD?

I’m just having a little chuckle to myself about what would have happened if I’d have come out with that response to my parents when I was 13 Sorry, he’s 13, he needs to learn that sometimes even when you try your best, circumstances change and you have to do things you don’t want to do.

So many of you are so clueless.. your children must be little dictators at home.

And the same ones on here telling OP to drive him are likely the same ones screaming about saving the planet and people driving less. Hilarious…

Anyway.. In the real world where parents actually parent and are not letting a 13 yr old dictate household rules tk them, a child is explained why a move happens, provisions are made for the new school and that child starts the new school and adjusts.

You set realistic expectations for children. Doing unreasonable things for a child that any normal rational person would see is not sustainable only teaches the child to be entitled and that they should expect that no matter how unreasonable their demand is, that it should still be met. You don’t do your child a service by doing this.

If it’s that much of an issue then just put him on a bus and get to school that way… but the easiest solution and best solution is him just moving to a new school. You and your son are both making your life harder than it has to be.

@MarshmallowSwede

He’s 13. Sorry he’s a child and he goes where mom and dad go. So he has to just move school. He won’t die and he will adjust. Children don’t dictate where how and when a move happen if it’s a necessary. You had to move to a cheaper home. As long as he is a child he is your responsibility and therefore goes where you go. He will live. He will make new friends and he can keep in contact with his friends.

He needs to get his attitude together as well. His disrespect towards you saying it’s your problem and just to drive him needs to be addressed. He is a child and does not dictate what you as an adult do. You’re the parent and you need to act like it.

Children of soldiers move often and yet they survive, children of diplomats often move, children who parents get a new job move. This is nothing unusual. Your son will also live. And at 13 he can make new friends at his new school.. this is far from a life crisis.

Of course "he'd survive". But one of the main issues here is that the OP promised something that she's now decided isn't workable and he has to suck up the consequences. As someone has said, this is the very definition of "foreseen circumstances". Kids in military and diplomatic families know they will be moving around. OP's DS was promised that he wouldn't be.

180 miles unnecessary miles a day?
What about the cost to the planet. Climate change is real. Get with it. We are all responsible.

He won't be in the school for the next 5 years. If he chooses to do 6th form assuming he can there. That's his choice. Completely different situation.

3 years then, for heaven's sake. I do worry about the resilience of future adults with some of the parenting you see on this site.

From some of the responses here it’s easy to see why kids are growing up with no resilience.

Seems children rule the world and the adults are the ones who have to bend for them.

As above, children of diplomats, military personnel, divorce, move all the time. They have no choice and they manage.

We are bringing up a generation who have learned they can never be told no, and who are going to find it immensely difficult to cope with living in the real world when they’re adults and when those around them aren’t going to give in to them because it’s them.

@GingerBeverage

Being adaptable and resilient are key skills for a child to learn.

Learning that parents are not infallible and can't be relied on are also great key skills for a person to learn.

No, I don't have a great relationship with my parents.

I don't think OP should keep driving her DC to school (clearly ridiculous). But she needs to look for a compromise position rather than just going back on her promise. I think that might be to keep him at current school whilst a place at a properly suitable school (not just any school with places) comes up. And that she bends over backwards to facilitate old friendships even if that means lots of weekend driving.
I also think that DC might get fed up of the commute himself. But clearly he's not going to say that.

From some of the responses here it’s easy to see why kids are growing up with no resilience.

Don't be so ridiculous. When did resilence become something we can only teach by causing upset to our kids?

Op knew the situation. Knew the miles, knew she was currently wfh, knew all the details. Has access to the Internet so could even Google journey times.

Her now saying 'I know I promised you could stay, but this is a pain for me even though I had all the information' isn't teaching resilience. It teaching that people your parents will say whatever they need to get you on board, then change the playing field. Kids don't need to learn that.

@RedskyThisNight I totally agree. A compromise should be reached. And yes, he might quickly get fed up himself. Or not.

But that would teach him resilience far more than OP just over ruling and forcing him to move.

All this talk of ‘resilience’, I think the pandemic has probably taught most kids a lesson in how to be resilient! In normal times this would be a tough move but after almost two years of disrupted education and having just started what will hopefully turn out to be a normal school year, I think it’s just too much.

@HeartsAndClubs

Exactly! Thank you.. god forbid a parent has to move to a new country for work, or an immigrant family return to their home country. Should they just then allow the child to say no we have to stay?

I weep for the future if a 13 yr old simply can’t understand why his parents had to move to be able to buy a home the family can afford, and instead of the family adjusting … everyone adjusting. For some reason the child thinks he should not have to adjust to his new area.

It’s really ridiculous. Someone actually said the OP should not have bought the house and just continue to rent!

Are these people insane or on drugs? Seriously.. some people live in such a bubble they they don’t understand that people have to make moves for financial reasons all the time.

And I wouldn’t allow my child to speak to me this way. Respect for the choices your parents are making for the family are also good for a child to learn. Knowing that as a member of a family unit, that choices have to be made for the greater good. This move was so that their family could actually have a family home they owned. Yet somehow the family should have continued to rent and forego buying a home so the precious little dear doesn’t have to be bothered to adjust to a new school.

Any chance of public transport for some of the journey?

I agree with those who said you moved in the knowledge of what you were doing. But a 45 mile return journey x 2 per day is not sustainable so try to find a way to make it less onerous for all.

Yeah he has to move but think it’s pretty tough on him. I hope the move was utterly essential. Similar age kids here who would hate this - a teen with a nice group of pals working well academically is a very precious thing. Wouldn’t forgo that for a kitchen diner or slightly nicer garden. If it’s unavoidable then that’s life I guess but i do sympathise with him.

Oh and the military children I met were in boarding schools paid for by the state so they weren’t repeatedly uprooted.

@MarshmallowSwede your post would all be fine save for the fact that OP promised her DS he could stay at his old school. A foolish and weak thing to do - hardly the DSs fault that he expects an adult to stick to their promise.

Children of soldiers move often and yet they survive, children of diplomats often move, children who parents get a new job move. This is nothing unusual.

This is completely different. If the OP had said ‘right, we are moving, it will occur in October, I understand this is upsetting for you but you will be fine and we will support you’ then it would have been okay. It is what it is and tue 13yo goes along with it. That’s exactly the same scenario many are describing with ‘kids do it all the time and are okay’.

This has zero to do with that. Its not about moving schools as ultimately he will be fine. It’s about future lack of trust due to a parent either making a promise they either knew they couldn’t keep but doing so to avoid the initial fuss OR intending to keep the promise but not being willing to do so when it’s no longer if any benefit to them. Neither are great scenarios or stand out parent of the year award winners. That’s what makes it so very different to children of military/diplomat families or those that just move due to parents getting work several hours away, they just tell tue child the truth with the upshot being the family must move end of. Trust is retained as while the children may not like it (or some may) there is no funny business involved that will impact on the future relationship.

The whole circumstances have changed thing seems a furphy as it doesn’t seem as though anything has changed other than OP no longer wishing to attend the office once they have actually made the move and I wouldn’t go there with a teenager who is smart enough to see through it. Just being honest about it at this point would be best and not compound the story.

Are these people insane or on drugs? Seriously.. some people live in such a bubble they they don’t understand that people have to make moves for financial reasons all the time.

Don't be ridiculous. I moved when ds was in year 5 and dd in 9. We moved area because they dad had a nervous breakdown and became dangerous.

I didn't move them, promise they could stay where they were and then say 'actually I can't be arsed'.

My kids are very resilient. They didn't need me to manipulate them into anything to make them resilient.

OP

Have you looked at charitable trusts? You might get the cost of a taxi for your son. Lots of charities only make donations to other charities or organisations so your ds's school may have to apply.

I received a number of payments while I was at uni.

www.charityconnect.co.uk/post/trusts-that-fund-education/4513

grants-search.turn2us.org.uk/

I think you just need to do it as ‘you promised’ if you did promise and go back on it I think you’ll have bigger issues down the line. If DS promises you something then decided to go against that promise would you be cross with him?

Well, he can get public transport there and back then. But lm guessing he won’t like that either. Those are his options. His “not my problem” spiel is rather obnoxious

There have been a flurry of posts about children deciding they do not want to move. But l suppose they do pay towards them, organise them and understand the wider ramifications of them e.g. bigger house, better area . Back in the real world they just need to suck them up like the rest of us

I think it was a bad idea even if the work situation hadn’t changed. Moving that distance away would isolate him from his peer group anyway and make socialising out of school too difficult. He would have ended up in a bit of a no-man’s land, not knowing anyone in his local area but too far away from his friends to be able to be included.

I don’t think it’s good for children’s mental health to be given too much responsibility in terms of making the decisions but I also can’t understand the dismissive attitude of the parents on here who think the needs of a 13 year old should be ignored. I’m particularly horrified by the poster who thinks a 13 year old won’t be traumatised - at 13, my depression kicked in and I began self harming. My friends developed eating disorders. 13 year olds have complex inner lives, they aren’t pliable little kids who bounce back and whose mental health can just be swept under the carpet.

I think the only way to handle it is to move schools but to treat him gently, with compassion and support - not making him insecure by apologising too much, I do think kids that age feel ultimately better knowing they aren’t in charge but they do have to be able to trust the adults who are in charge and to feel that their needs are important too and that those are recognised. There will be positives to the move and if it’s handled well enough, will prove to him that he has resilience and that he can handle change which is a valuable life lesson.

Keeping going with this disastrous compromise won’t help in the long run but nor would telling him to put up and shut up. It’s very hard to strike the right balance. The lack of care and understanding from some posters on here though is putting into perspective the absolute explosion of teenage anxiety and mental health problems I’ve seen in the past two decades of working with that age group. There clearly are a significant number of parents who don’t understand, respect or have any interest in nurturing their teenage children at all based on the callous responses they’ve given.

I would start getting him involved in clubs in your new area (weekends to avoid adding to your days) and try to get him to make local friends. When I was 12 my parents moved to a new area but I stayed in my old school (wasn’t quite as far). Once I made friends in the neighbourhood I was desperate to switch schools.

I actually feel really sorry for him, I was that kid who had to move 100miles away in year 9 and start again, everyone already had well established friendship groups, knew everything about the school and what was expected, knew where to hang out etc it was difficult and it did effect my GCSEs because the time I was meant to be studying and learning I was just trying to fit in and find a group.
He’s a teenager so his attitude isn’t nice but he does have a point. You promised he could stay at school, is there no way around it?

I agree with the others. It’s mean to move him when you promised you wouldn’t. He’ll lose trust in you now

We sat down with him, explained how things have changed, how costly and tiring this arrangement is but he says ‘it’s not my problem, you decided to move house not me

I wouldn't tolerate that kind of cheek from a 13 year old for a start. Does he often talk to adults like that? That's the first thing I'd clamp down on.

I do feel sorry for him though, but he will eventually have to accept that it's not sustainable for him to carry on going to the same school now that he lives so far away, unless he is willing to get public transport, which I imagine will involve him getting up at a ridiculous time of day and also might be costly. It sucks, but it's life.

He's obviously struggling to come to terms with this so you need to support him to understand the situation, but also teach him not to be so entitled as to expect people to be running around after him. It might not have been his choice to move but it's the situation he is now in, so he needs to handle it.

I think (once you've given him some kind of punishment for the way he spoke to you), you need to sit him down and talk to him in a collaborative kind of way, and try to find a solution with his involvement. Perhaps you can work out a plan to make sure he is still able to see his friends from his current school most weekends?

This is not about being resilient or saying NO to a child.
This is a major disruption at a very difficult age when forming friendships a building confidence is absolutely crucial.
Op just shouldn’t have made a promise she potentially couldn’t keep. Before buying the house she should have investigated schools and visited them with her child.
As a child I would have felt totally betrayed by my parents if they did this and would have felt that my feelings don’t count one bit.