DS won't move school

[PardonBeeOne]

We bought a house and had to move 45 miles away. The house was what we could afford and did not want to miss the opportunity.
I foolishly promised my DS 13, that he would not have to move schools as I would have kept my job in our old area.
Then I started wfh and the driving is no longer possible. I was on a/ll when schools opened and have experienced this drive for a week, it's a nightmare and it's tiring. Then the fuel problem came!

It's not sustainable

Now DS does not want to move schools. My fear is if I force the issue, it might affect his grades therefore wanted to involve him as much as possible. But the drive is killing us, it's tiring even though there is 3 of us taking turns 😔
We sat down with him, explained how things have changed, how costly and tiring this arrangement is but he says ‘it’s not my problem, you decided to move house not me’ 😳

WWYD?

@wingingit987

My parents forced me to move schools at 13 I ended up being stressed right out it was a trigger of bulimia.

It was the worst year and a half of my life. I would never ti the same to my children. The effect to my mental health still affects me 15 years later.

You made the choice to move home you should of either done it a long time before usually when there in primary school or you wait until older.

I was forced to leave at 16 for sixth form -that was bad enough. I didn't have any friends locally as I went a private school miles away -no friends from there -as they obviously all stayed friends with those going to the same school.

Mine left in Year 9 but it was her desire to relocate 300 miles and we did it Autumn Term in Year 9 after lockdown. So not too much disruption. At the time we were up at 6am and left house at 7am and back at 6pm and that was 20 miles for me to drive each way and another hour for her on the bus -each way. It wa exhausting.
We moved and relocated but we couldn't find anywhere to rent near by -but it's a 45 minute walk -not 45 miles and that's the maximum we will do.

You are being asked to drive 100 miles a day -or 500 miles a week. You promised. So think

1. Can he stay with a friend and you do Monday drop off and Friday pick up
2. can you drop him half way and he gets a bus
3. can you offer to visit local schools with him and him to consider a move
4. pull rank -but at 13 you run the risk of parental alientation -I didn't like mine at 15.

If you must do it do not do it later than teh start of year 10 after which moving them becomes inadvisable because of different schools will follow different syllabuses for GCSE.

I can understand him feeling bitter about it though and he's unlikely to trust your promises again in a hurry :(

How easily they will cope depends entirely on the personality of the child. Be under no illusions, my spouse was moved at a similar age and it had a devastating effect for years. Definitely do not take the "I'm the parent, you're the child attitude" even if you do move your son, especially after you promised not to move him.

Children up and down the country use public transport to get to secondary school. I’d personally have no problem with my child travelling 45 miles on a straight through train, it would be no different to a short journey really. It really depends whether the journey is going to be sensible in terms of number of changes, speed etc. It really depends on the area of the country whether this is doable, on some routes it could be a 30 minute journey

I'd move him.

Life happens. People have to move all the time for all sorts of reasons. Yours was financial security and home stability, both solid reasons, especially these days.

He's 13, pre-GCSE years. I'd move him, with apologies, but tell him it's not a choice and sometimes the needs of the entire family trump the preference of one.

You promised, he will remember and I would imagine not trust you again.
I think you have to suck it up, we moved (for work) 50 miles away when DS and DSS were younger. DS just started high school, DSS juniors.
I did about 5 years of travel, fuel crisis etc but I did it.
It would take 1.5 hours each way, I was working in new area so breakfast/ after school were our saviours.
We did it and the boys were happy.

@MissCherryCakeyBun

Parents are allowed to make changes...it's part of the parent child dynamic. Military families to many changes and moves through the school life of their children, they cope

I am very amused by all of you saying she should drive 180 miles a day taking the 13yr old child and still work full-time as she is now a home based worker. Get a grip on yourselves.
The child moves school and makes new friends it happens it's life, we don't all live in a happy world of bowing down to our children's every whim. I have 3 adult DC and one adult Foster DC and I did all I could for them to have a happy and supported school life. Would I have driven 180 miles a day to take them to school? Like hell I would.
Also 13yr old on public transport 90 miles round trip to school and back alone each day? Would any of you honestly put your 13yr old alone on public transport 5 days a week? If the OP had asked this how much Pearl clutching would go on?

The child moves school, he learns the world is not actually rotating around him (valuable life lesson) and life moves on.

I feel exactly the same.

School move would have been a lot easier for teen if it had been done at start of term. He likely would have settled in and made some new friends by now, starting afresh mid term will be so much harder.

Thank you all for your contributions, I can’t quote all names but will do a blanket response.

The people involved in the driving are an older sibling and DH and myself. We have some sort of rota and three cars but mine does more as it's a diesel.

No, not a new relationship. We were renting and had the opportunity to buy. It’s too expensive near the school so could only afford it this way. We just could not continue renting until after his GCSEs.

Commuting is not an option due to the umpteen connections involved. I would never be able to let him do that whilst I remained at home with cars parked outside!

He would also be too tired as that would mean getting up much much earlier. At the moment, he is getting up 20 minutes earlier than he did before. He is happy with this and he goes to bed early.

When this buying process started, I had started going back to the office, so it was not going to be a problem because we would have ‘killed 2 birds’ with one stone, but the employer changed it again.

I totally get how destabilising this might be if it's done without him on board and I keep trying but also not wanting him to feel pressured.
In view of keeping his social life going, I have been taking him back to meet friends whenever he’s invited for activities on Saturday's. We have agreed 2 Saturdays a month, term time.
However, I am hoping if we get him into some activities in the new area, he might meet and make friends.

There is no amount of bribery will get me out of this 😊

I am definitely not prioritising myself but I have come to a realisation that financially and energy wise, it's not sustainable. Esp with threats of food and gas bills going up.

I have started looking at local schools with him but the uptake is slow...

at the dismissive suggestion of "you stick him on a train..." as if the entirety of the UK is within a reasonable distance of a train station.

The nearest train station to me is 8 miles away. The 'local' high school is 6 miles from a station and you'd be lucky if there was a bus every hour between the 2 - you'd actually have to get a bus to the nearest town and then another to the school to have a choice of times.

Let alone whatever the trip to a station might be like at the 'home end' of OP's journey.

It's almost as if some people think the infrastructure of the south east of England is typical of the UK.

@SpaceshiptoMars

Does everybody here have bottomless pockets and live on a planet with no climate concerns? 180 miles per day. At 50 miles/gallon that's over £100 a week!

IKR. Responses on this thread are ridiculous.

OP made a promise that was originally viable, but circumstances changed.

When she was working in the area she wasn’t having to school and back twice in one day.

So the options are: 13 year old behaves like a mature teenager not a toddler, gets himself there on public transport or moves school.

There are kids all over the country who have to move area/school etc, particularly due to Covid, the ones I know have not made a fuss about it.

At 13 changing schools shouldn’t affect his grades and if it does he has plenty of time to rebalance before he starts public exams.

Children from military families end up moving schools every couple of years and just have to get on with it. These things happen in life.

Yes, and they receive PP to reflect the damage that frequent moves causes.

I was moved mid-year aged 13. Caused lasting mental health problems.

OP, you erred. He will pay the cost of your mistake.

I am definitely not prioritising myself but I have come to a realisation that financially and energy wise, it's not sustainable. Esp with threats of food and gas bills going up.

Surely the time to do this was before you moved? You say the area is expensive, presumably the additional costs of moving further away need to be factored into that decision too.

I’d be very angry if I were your son. You lied to him and that will be difficult to get past.

The suggestions that are baffling me most are that he "stays with a friend" for three years. People must have much more understanding friends than mine!

He’s 13! He either gets himself to school or changes school.
You simply say I’m not driving and then leave the choice up to him.

You lied to him and that will be difficult to get past.

Try reading the thread.

@JumperandJacket

The suggestions that are baffling me most are that he "stays with a friend" for three years. People must have much more understanding friends than mine!

If you've got £100 a week to spare to pay for the privilege, he'll find he has lots of friends

I'd move him, 90 miles before you start work is going to wear you out.

You know him best, but surely he will adjust? I moved to England at age 12, and started secondary school in year 8. A lot of friendship groups were firmly formed, many of the girls had also gone to the primary school attached to the school. But I still managed to fit in. It was only 15 miles from were we lived but took about 45mins due to traffic and that was tiring enough (there were no places in the local school). Then I couldn't always meet my friends every time you know pop around to just hang out after school on a Wednesday.

Then moved back to Ireland at 16 so entering A -Levels, but unlike England no one changes schools for A Levels, so again all well established friend groups. But I managed, and still have many friends from school. That one was better, as it was walking distance so I could meet friends whenever I wanted

@BeMoreQueer

You made a life changing decision that suited you and now you want to fuck it up for him because it’s too inconvenient to keep doing a journey you had been doing for your own work

Being settled in a friendship group is vital to healthy teen development

Moving him against his will may go well if he finds new friends quickly but he’s not a toddler who will forget this and being 13 may well fuck it up on purpose to get kicked out and go back

School isn’t just a convenient place they go away in the day, fitting in and feeling comfortable matters to your education and personal development

I really wouldn’t consider forcing this issue.

Consider other options, public transport, move house to get closer to school or public transport

He’s only going to be at school for a few more years and you can prioritise yourself after that

Don't be ridiculous - many kids change schools during their school life and it doesn't do them any harm .

We just could not continue renting until after his GCSEs.

Why not?

Seriously, why not?

We have a DC in secondary school and we rent. We'll never be able to buy around here so we will continue renting until he's done.

I think your DS is right, you created this situation, now you suck it up.

Military child here. Crucially, whenever we moved it wasn't my parents' choice either. I went to about 6 schools altogether, and always being the new girl was rubbish. Yes I did just have to get on with it, but it was horrible all the same, and affected me for decades.

That said, the situation you are actually in is impossible. Something has to give. I feel for your DS and think it's very unfair, but shoulda-woulda-coulda doesn't help right now. You just have to sit down and work out priorities, and act accordingly.

Thanks for coming back OP. Is it not an option at all to work at your old office?
We're meant to be wfh but can book office space.

Not many good options now really are there?

We are sort of in the same boat - but sucking it up and taking DS to school - but we only moved 7 miles and he is in year 6 - so it's do-able and the end is in sight. He is fully on board for going to secondary in the new area.

It can only work if he's happy to go by train or something - but 45 miles is too long to do homework and study for GCSE's etc. It would be better to move him to another school (bribery should help!!). If he moves school now he has time to settle in and make new friends before hitting the crunch years.

Because OP didn't want to continue renting when she had the option to buy.

Continuing to pay ££££ to pay off someone else's mortgage might be a choice that you make, but not one that OP wants to.

I tend to agree with those who say that circumstances have changed, the reality of a long commute hit home and that you need to weigh up him moving schools and the long-term cost and hassle of spending so much time and money driving.