DS won't move school

[PardonBeeOne]

We bought a house and had to move 45 miles away. The house was what we could afford and did not want to miss the opportunity.
I foolishly promised my DS 13, that he would not have to move schools as I would have kept my job in our old area.
Then I started wfh and the driving is no longer possible. I was on a/ll when schools opened and have experienced this drive for a week, it's a nightmare and it's tiring. Then the fuel problem came!

It's not sustainable

Now DS does not want to move schools. My fear is if I force the issue, it might affect his grades therefore wanted to involve him as much as possible. But the drive is killing us, it's tiring even though there is 3 of us taking turns 😔
We sat down with him, explained how things have changed, how costly and tiring this arrangement is but he says ‘it’s not my problem, you decided to move house not me’ 😳

WWYD?

I honestly don't know what I'd do. I think your planning was terrible as you made a major life decision without considering the consequences, and your son is going to be the one that gets the shitty deal out of it. 45 miles is a huge distance.
I don't blame your son one bit for digging his heels in. Sorry OP.

it’s not my problem, you decided to move house not me at 13 there’s no way I’d be spoken to like that.

Tell him he’ll do as he’s bloody well told.

And no, he’s not going to be traumatised at 13. FFS.

@TasteTheMeatNotTheHeat

Why on earth did you promise him that?!

I would have gently told him that he was going to have to move schools, and done it at the start of the school year. That would have been tough for him, but I'm sure he'd get over it. Teenagers aren't in charge. You'd have been in the clear. However, now you've promised him something it is really shitty and unfair to go back on that.

I think you've made your bed on this one. If you go back on your promise I doubt he will trust you again.

What they said ^^

@HeartsAndClubs

it’s not my problem, you decided to move house not me at 13 there’s no way I’d be spoken to like that.

Tell him he’ll do as he’s bloody well told.

And no, he’s not going to be traumatised at 13. FFS.

What a way to make him feel loved and listened to.

Wow you really shouldn't make promises you can't keep. 13 is a really difficult age and not a time to have to be moving school. If there are 3 of you taking turns to do the drive - not sure how?? then you don't have to do it more than twice a week. I would take him in the mornings and find a way for him to get home on public transport if possible but you assured him he would be able to go to this school and I think it could really damage your relationship and his grades if he's unhappy at the new school.

We moved a similar distance away when my brother was 14 (I was still in primary school), he didn't want to move schools as he was at a very good school and was on for top grades. He ended up staying put and had to get a train and a bus there (plus a drive to the station) it was a trek and made his day very long but he did it to avoid changing. There was no way my parents would have driven him, it would have taken over 2.5 hours round trip at rush hour. Is public transport an option? It was around 2 hours door to door on public transport for my brother but he was that determined. It was worth it for him as he got his grades and has been very successful.

I'm guessing you've chosen to wfh? If your workplace is still open then it's obvious that you need to return to work and make the journey with your son each day.

Moving him at 13 is cruel and if it's purely so you can enjoy the advantages of wfh then frankly I'm appalled.

@3luckystars

He won’t believe her again though. Years ago, trying to get a toddler into the car, a little girl across the street came over and said to me ‘you have to promise him something’ so I did and it worked. But as I was pulling out of the driveway, she said ‘but now you HAVE to give it to him, or that won’t work again’. I often think of her, she was right.

Sorry for that probably irrelevant story but I do think your son won’t believe you the next time you promise something. Good luck anyway.

The name of that girl? Albert Einstein.

He's 13! Y8/9 presumably. He moves school now and has time to settle in pre GCSE. There can't be any real discussion at his age. You were foolish to promise him he wouldn't have to move but he has to accept circumstances have changed

She needs to put in as much support as she can for him but she does not need to bend over backwards because of one silly promise.

The issue is he won’t see it as a silly promise. He will see it as something that was said to him to get him to move without a fuss. At that age he will cotton on that there are no more promises in future as the thought is laughable, every promise will potentially be a ‘silly promise’ that’s reversed at whim with some little sit down chat.

The only way is for complete honesty and be prepared for the hatred and blow back. There will never be trust again but I don’t see any other way at this point. It’s not a tenable situation.

Somehow you are going to have to come clean and say while you were more than prepared to do the same commute for your work, you now can’t be bothered as have been given an out (assuming office is still open and hasn’t been closed?). I wouldn’t go into lost time or fuel costs as that sounds ludicrous given you were previously happy to factor it in and suck it up when it was of benefit to you. That comes across as while it was of benefit to you, you don’t care about extending the same benefit to him which will be a real slap in the face. The only thing that can possibly save you now is complete truth, in that now it’s of no benefit to you, you just don’t want to. Kids can see through any smoke and mirrors so don’t even bother. Then just move on and whatever will be will be however it lands.

Stick him on a bus. Do a rest journey with him so he knows the route and he will be fine. Kids of this age used to get to school by themselves all the time.

Can you go back to the office?
I have a 13 year old and no I wouldn't move them. Either sort public transport or go and work in the office all day.
Why did you move so far?

My parents did this to me at 13 too, I was equally unbending & peed off about it, but in hindsight the move & forcing me to open up to new people & making new friendships at that age & did me the world of good. I can't imagine how different my life might have been if I was still the shy kid from a small village in the middle of nowhere.

It's hard, but at 13 he's just going to have to suck it up & move schools, there are far worse things he can experience in life

@fuckitbucket16

Mumsnet cracks me up honestly 😂😂

In the real world, 13yos don’t call the shots.

Presumably the move was for a reason and his parents didn’t just decide to inconvenience their children because they felt like it. He needs to suck it up and move schools or catch public transport. That drive isn’t sustainable.

They don’t call the shots but they do have feelings. Sometimes this website horrifies me with the way some people seem to think you can just force your kids to suffer and then say it's because they're kids and they will learn to cope. Cruel.

@3luckystars

He does get a say! A person is a person, no matter how small.

Exactly!

@Guavaf1sh

Sometimes you can’t keep promises. There are unforeseen circumstances. 13 year olds need to learn this too. I agree with posters saying this is one example of mumsnet not representing the real world. He’s thirteen. Not even gcse. I’d move him and simply apologise for the situation. Be honest.

This is the very definition of a foreseen circumstance

and now has to submit fully to a 13 year old for the next 5 years?

He won't be in the school for the next 5 years. If he chooses to do 6th form assuming he can there. That's his choice. Completely different situation.

You promised him. You need to keep your promise. Full stop.

And no, he’s not going to be traumatised at 13. FFS.

Its amazing that people know this for certain.

He’s 13. Sorry he’s a child and he goes where mom and dad go. So he has to just move school. He won’t die and he will adjust. Children don’t dictate where how and when a move happen if it’s a necessary. You had to move to a cheaper home. As long as he is a child he is your responsibility and therefore goes where you go. He will live. He will make new friends and he can keep in contact with his friends.

He needs to get his attitude together as well. His disrespect towards you saying it’s your problem and just to drive him needs to be addressed. He is a child and does not dictate what you as an adult do. You’re the parent and you need to act like it.

Children of soldiers move often and yet they survive, children of diplomats often move, children who parents get a new job move. This is nothing unusual. Your son will also live. And at 13 he can make new friends at his new school.. this is far from a life crisis.

@TyrannosaurusRights

He’s 13. You move him and he deals with it.

This. FFS I was moved in the middle of my 2 years at O level, (military) and the world didn't end. It's life, you have no choice, unless he can get public transport as a PP said.

Being adaptable and resilient are key skills for a child to learn.

He has to move schools. End of.