DS won't move school

[PardonBeeOne]

We bought a house and had to move 45 miles away. The house was what we could afford and did not want to miss the opportunity.
I foolishly promised my DS 13, that he would not have to move schools as I would have kept my job in our old area.
Then I started wfh and the driving is no longer possible. I was on a/ll when schools opened and have experienced this drive for a week, it's a nightmare and it's tiring. Then the fuel problem came!

It's not sustainable

Now DS does not want to move schools. My fear is if I force the issue, it might affect his grades therefore wanted to involve him as much as possible. But the drive is killing us, it's tiring even though there is 3 of us taking turns 😔
We sat down with him, explained how things have changed, how costly and tiring this arrangement is but he says ‘it’s not my problem, you decided to move house not me’ 😳

WWYD?

Why not?

Seriously, why not?

House price rises ring any bells?

Don't be ridiculous - many kids change schools during their school life and it doesn't do them any harm .

And many children change school and it does harm them, as a number of posters have pointed out.

You keep driving him no matter how much of a pain it is. Or you move back. You can't go back on your word now and expect him to move schools, he'll never forgive you.

I’m on your son’s side. I was ripped away from my school at a similar age and never recovered. You promised.

You didnt have to move people rent for years and years maybe all their life its doable

you promsied him this wouldnt afect him now are moving the goalposts

i was moved aged 13 got bullied so went back to my old school its not just a case of make new friends these kids have already been friends for years

you were willing to do the petrol costs for work but not for your son-what if your bosses change their minds again and you have to g back in

My husband had to move school aged 13 when his dad got a new job. Although he was perfectly happy in his original school and didn't want to move, he made new friends and settled in very quickly in the new school and never regretted the move after the first few weeks. He still keeps in touch with friends from both schools many years later.

@christinarossetti19

Because OP didn't want to continue renting when she had the option to buy.

Continuing to pay ££££ to pay off someone else's mortgage might be a choice that you make, but not one that OP wants to.

I tend to agree with those who say that circumstances have changed, the reality of a long commute hit home and that you need to weigh up him moving schools and the long-term cost and hassle of spending so much time and money driving.

Ok well OP was fine with that choice herself for many years, it seems really unfair to her DS that she changed her mind in the middle of his secondary years.

At least I would have tried to buy somewhere with decent commuting options, if she promised him he wouldn't have to change schools.

How much longer will you be wfh? Is it possible your employer will expect you back shortly? This seems likely for most jobs.
Like the idea of driving him somewhere from where he can get reasonable public transport if you can make it work.
I would be looking at renting out the bought house and renting somewhere closer. Very inconvenient yes, but I'd put the 13 year old's education first. He can switch after GCSE's, it's not long, but might make a significant difference to him.

If local schools are significantly better, you may be able to convince him.
You mention an older sibling but I can't see anything about siblings of similar age - is there something additional to consider there too?

And many children change school and it does harm them, as a number of posters have pointed out.

MN has a unrepresentatively high number of posters who self identify as shy/introvert/socially anxious ime.

There are women on who don’t open their front doors, talk on the phone, go to weddings etc.

You can’t take that as representative of children in general.

Children can be harmed bullies at any school, as much in a schools/areas they’ve been in for years as a new one. It’s not necessarily the change of school itself at issue.

The thing about moving teenagers is that some kids will be fine, and other kids will have massive problems for years. And there is no way of knowing beforehand which way it will go. So it's an enormous risk, you can't just assume it will be fine.

Personally I would not take the risk, my DH moved as a teenager and it completely fucked up his education and his relationship with his parents.

At least I would have tried to buy somewhere with decent commuting options, if she promised him he wouldn't have to change schools.

Houses with good transport links cost more for obvious reasons.

He's going to have to move. Most likely the fear of not making friends or having to make the effort to do so etc is a big issue with him. But what you're doing now isn't sustainable - it was a mistake to promise, but then again, you couldn't foresee a petrol crisis.

Take him round the local schools with places, see if they do taster days, and let him pick his favourite. He can always move again for college - maybe closer to his original friends - and he can keep up his old friendships with the visits. Be honest with him about the finances and the housing situation - it will be a good life lesson in resilience and making friends. After all, he'll have to do the same when he goes to Uni or starts work.

You were incredibly foolish to promise he could stay at his school and I think the first thing you need to do is acknowledge this to your son. I personally don't blame him for his comment - can imagine myself saying pretty much the same if my parents wanted to move me from a school I was happily attending. Don't go all high handed and tell him he has to 'suck it up' - acknowledge your fallibility and involve him to coming to a solution. It may takes months anyway to sort out a local school so travelling will have to continue anyway.

Do you have family nearer the school - doesn't have to be next door, a bus ride away would be better than nothing. My Dsis stayed with family for a year when my parents moved because of work.

We're only 5-6 weeks into term, it's still light in the mornings and evenings and the weather is OK. Maybe the winter months will persuade him that a school move is the best option.

My kids all moved school around year 8 and its been fine. I think there are things you can do to support the transition and it doesnt have to be traumatic

OP - you really didn't think this through very well which means there are no easy solutions now.

Have you any other family near the old area who your son could live with M-F? Could the elder sibling (who is old enough to drive) rent a flat nearer the school and have your younger DS live with him part of the time? I expect both these option not possible so really you are looking at DS changing school.

Lots of children have to move school because family circumstances change - this doesn't mean it will be easy for your DS though.

in Scotland if you move from one council area to another you normally have to move school, as you are paying council tax in a different area so if you live in Strilingshire they generally won't pay for your child to go to a school in Dunbartonshire, ( there are occasionally exceptions like the only catholic school is in that area) or if you move just across boundary and your child is half way through S4/5/or 6
I'm not sure what LA rules are in England though
I think 45 miles is not sustainable and either you find an office ( your employer could change his mind about office work again in 3 months) near school or he has to move

I think living with other people will be more unsettling than moving schools - personally, I'd be very wary as they need consistent parenting at that age as it's when they start pushing boundaries etc.

Definitely take responsibility for the change, but explain everything and try adn let him have some choice in his new school if possible.

OP what you’ve suggested is fine, he’s going to have to learn to accept there is a change to his schooling arrangements and you’ll take him to see his old mates on weekends. A 13 year old absolutely does not get to make his own call in this, yes you promised him there would be no move, you’ve done your best but for reasons no one anticipated the commute is not working. He changes school and that’s how it is, he’s got to learn to cope with change preferably now as a child, everything is a big deal when it’s new but he’ll adapt.

OP - you really didn't think this through very well which means there are no easy solutions now.

We don’t know but the reason OP changed from working in office to wfh was entirely Covid related. How was she supposed to know that was coming?

Boarding with another family is a ridiculous suggestion.

Can he join a local club or team asap, where he will meet kids there same age at your local schools? That might make choosing and integrating easier for him if he has to move.

OP, there is no happy outcome here because the decision has already been made in terms of moving house.

You are his parents and you can, obviously, simply tell him that circumstances have changed, and sometimes you make a promise that circumstances mean you can't keep. I have been in that situation with one of mine (nothing to do with schools). It wasn't a circumstance of my making that made me unable to keep the promise - it was something extraneous. She was in Year 8 at the time. She is now in Year 13 and it is still a bone of contention. There will be people on here who say she should put it behind her and move on (and when I'm feeling frustrated, I think the same). However, it continues to affect her. At some point, she will have to decide whether she wants to let it carry on affecting her forever, or whether she needs to/can find a way to draw a line under it. The latter is what she needs to do for her own future happiness and mental health, but it isn't easy. I feel guilty about it, and the breach of promise wasn't even directly of my making. Since then, I have always been very careful never to promise anything. I say things like "at the moment, there is no reason why X shouldn't be so, but I can't absolutely promise it.", or "I will do my best, but I can't promise it". There's no point in me promising anything as that particular bit of trust has gone.

Your son would probably be absolutely fine if he moved schools, assuming you can find him a place at a decent local one. Assuming he's reasonably sociable, he'd make friends and become involved with what's going on locally. It's nice of you to say he can still see his current friends every now and then, but their lives will quickly move on without him.

Whatever happens, though, some damage has been done to your relationship with him. Is there any way at all you could rent out your new house and use the money to rent something smaller closer to his current school? It could be until the end of Year 11 - loads of pupils move schools at that stage.

As for the way he's speaking to you: I know there are people on here whose children would never dream of answering back, but I would say that his response is pretty normal for a 13 year old who has found his world turned upside down.

But even if OP was not working from home she would have to travel 45 miles to work each way which is not sustainable long term and has a huge cost implication if she'd thought about it in advance. She should not have promised DS could stay at school - moving more than 5-10 miles away makes that difficult - especially if there's no public transport to the school area to me.

I would be more sympathetic if OP had had to move for work, don't really get the buying the house scenario - surely there must have been some affordable options (albeit smaller) on a public transport route to enable DS to stay at his school if this was really the plan long term

I also think that the point isn't whether or not it's ok to change schools mid year at the age of 13 (loads of children do this, some happily and some unhappily - almost always due to jobs, relocation etc): it's the fact that the DS in this case was promised that it wouldn't happen that's the issue.

Parents are allowed to make changes...it's part of the parent child dynamic.
Military families to many changes and moves through the school life of their children, they cope

Military families usually have their children attending schools with other military families, joining a new school when you are part of lots of children in the same situation is different.

I moved schools at about 7, we had moved to a new estate and as more families moved in they went tot he same school.

I moved again at 9 and was the only new child in the school, the dynamic was so different. I was always the outsider, and that continued at high school.

Bribe him. It is the best option. There must be something he wants...