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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Dd won’t tell us her GCSE results- anyone else experienced this?

343 replies

TheCountessofFitzdotterel · 09/09/2021 12:47

And if so how did you approach it?

All I know is that they were good enough for her to do the A Level subjects she wanted, which is nice.

Is it just us? Has this ever happened to anyone else?

OP posts:
Flowers500 · 09/09/2021 14:58

Do schools in England not send reports to parents and do parent evenings? I can’t imagine how this can be a thing, that parents are treated as strangers when it comes to the education of their own child.

Original poster
TheCountessofFitzdotterel · 09/09/2021 14:59

‘I would have quite a deep and detailled conversation with her about why she doesn't want to tell you.‘

Trouble is, it takes two to make a deep and detailed conversation!

OP posts:
Flowers500 · 09/09/2021 15:00

And I wouldn’t bribe her for the results, you shouldn’t be paying her to do the bare minimum. I’d be asking her why our relationship is so terrible, and if it is why she hasn’t sought to get emancipated and move out yet. She’s not a paying lodger, she’s a child.

HollowTalk · 09/09/2021 15:00

Is she ok if you don't tell her things?

Original poster
TheCountessofFitzdotterel · 09/09/2021 15:00

Sorry I am not replying to everyone’s comments, I am finding it all enormously helpful, thank you all very much x

OP posts:
Passthecake30 · 09/09/2021 15:02

I think I’d be gutted if my dcs didn’t share their results with me, I’m sure you’ve supported her throughout the years so you have a right to know (and be proud of whatever she’s achieved). I’d tell her that you promise not to share the info with anyone else but she’s upset your feelings by not feeling you worthy of knowing.

VerveClique · 09/09/2021 15:02

Indeed, but then you will know where you stand.

Presently, you don't know why she's taking this position.

I think that you have to show that you're open to dialogue about the 'why' without judgement (even if you don't talk about the grades at all in the end). You can share you opinion on her telling you, but not impose it on her.

She needs to know that this won't be the first thing you'll have a tricky conversation about in the years ahead!

CheltenhamLady · 09/09/2021 15:03

Sorry OP, but I would have to question my relationship with any offspring that behaved like that.

Surely, she was excited and happy, or, if ( which it clearly didn't) it had gone the other way, sad, and would want to share that with her closest family?

LowlandLucky · 09/09/2021 15:03

She doesn't understand how secretive behaviour comes across so teach her. As a family tell her nothing for a few weeks, if she asks about something that is going on, smile and gently say" no of your business" When she starts asking you for bits for college reply with " oh i thought i wasn't involved in that" She needs to learn that it is a 2 way street.

Original poster
TheCountessofFitzdotterel · 09/09/2021 15:04

@Flowers500

Do schools in England not send reports to parents and do parent evenings? I can’t imagine how this can be a thing, that parents are treated as strangers when it comes to the education of their own child.
Yes, when you think about it it’s quite bizarre they can tell me in detail how she’s performing up to the point of the final assessment and yet not what the official result was. I wonder if this was ever the intention or if it’s an unintended consequence of the way the rules were framed.
OP posts:
BalloonSlayer · 09/09/2021 15:09

If she starts to fail her course in 6th form, you will be contacted to let you know, what's more, you will be expected to have an influence on her, ie expected to sort it.

So the school really don't think it's none of your business when it suits them.

thisplaceisweird · 09/09/2021 15:15

@SW1amp

“DD, I was talking to my friend Mary today and she mentioned that she gave her DD money per grade as a ‘well done’ present after her GCSEs £20 for each 9, £15 for an 8, £10 for 7, etc etc

I thought it was a really nice thing and should probably have implemented it before your exams, but we would like to give you something to say well done”

And see if that’s a strong enough incentive..?

My parents did this and I ended up doing MUCH better than expected! They we're both pleased and annoyed. Grin

It works if your child has potential to do well but is a bit lazy (me). Mean to do it with children who try really hard but cannot get high grades.

thisplaceisweird · 09/09/2021 15:16

@CheltenhamLady

Sorry OP, but I would have to question my relationship with any offspring that behaved like that.

Surely, she was excited and happy, or, if ( which it clearly didn't) it had gone the other way, sad, and would want to share that with her closest family?

I find this a strange reaction too and must be a reflection of something going on. Are you not close? Was a lot of pressure put on exams? Has she been punished before?
zenthoughtsonlythanks · 09/09/2021 15:19

Not only that op but secretive behaviour is far from ideal, she could be withholding information that is far more important than her exam results. I don't think it is okay to not tell you, and I would be saying so in your position.

I would sit her down this evening with your dh if you have one, and say how hurtful it is that she hasn't told you, that you are totally happy for her whatever the outcome, and in a few weeks you will have parents evening so how does she suggest you manage that given you have been left in the dark? I would ask her how she sees this panning out. Because you are in two minds whether to ask for an app with the head to find out what is going on yourself.
I am not sure I would continue walking on eggshells. It may need blowing wide open, so you can find out if she is okay. You have, I assume supported her for sixteen years so it is not too much to ask to know what her grades are.

If communication is bad between you, there is only one way to improve it and that is with honest, direct but gentle conversations. You are not getting anywhere seemingly by waiting for her to open up. So try something new.

TheBraveLittleTailor · 09/09/2021 15:20

I wouldn’t assume she’s done badly (I don’t think you are OP). It seems to be a control thing. You might be able to find out from her friends, but obviously that doesn’t solve the underlying issue. I don’t suppose that helps, but good luck!

MolyHolyGuacamole · 09/09/2021 15:21

@NashvilleQueen

'Why do you need to know?'?!?!

Apart from being a parent of course. I'm sorry but there's a limit to being a cool parent and this really is over it.

Exactly this. I can't imagine just telling my parents I'm not telling them my results 😂
KingsleyShacklebolt · 09/09/2021 15:22

Controlling wanting to know how your child has done in their exams. Ok then. Hmm

zenthoughtsonlythanks · 09/09/2021 15:23

Definitely DONT ask her friends, oh my god, she will never forgive you. You also put her friends in a terrible position.

You could threaten to do so though! You could tell her you will be asking every one you can think of until you find out, she might tell you just to avoid the embarrassment Grin

I don't think it is terribly kind of her to keep you waiting like this for a month.

thisplaceisweird · 09/09/2021 15:25

@KingsleyShacklebolt

Controlling wanting to know how your child has done in their exams. Ok then. Hmm
I don't think people are saying OP is being controlling for wanting to know, it's that the daughter is trying to claim some control over the parent.
RedMarauder · 09/09/2021 15:26

@Flowers500 it doesn't work like that.

Once a child is 16 they own their personal data and they are the ones who have to give permission to the school for it to be shared with anyone including their parents.

I posted a link up the thread and DaxtheDestroyer who is a school admin has also stated this.

MolyHolyGuacamole · 09/09/2021 15:28

Oh god it's just occurred to me that the results came out a month ago! OP how have you let it go on this long? I'd change the wifi password and exchange it for her results, sorry but there are some things in families that aren't to be kept secret, you need to know how she's doing so you can support her!

If she's entitled to do her own thing on every level she can move out and live independently surely. Ridiculous

Original poster
TheCountessofFitzdotterel · 09/09/2021 15:34

‘Oh god it's just occurred to me that the results came out a month ago! OP how have you let it go on this long?‘

Because I was attempting a softly softly approach?!

One thing these comments are doing for me is helping to crystallise why I want to know and posters are right, it is about supporting her. It didn’t matter for the last month because she was on holiday/doing her summer job, but she went back to school yesterday which may be why I am posting this now.

OP posts:
User646326712 · 09/09/2021 15:36

@TheCountessofFitzdotterel

And if so how did you approach it?

All I know is that they were good enough for her to do the A Level subjects she wanted, which is nice.

Is it just us? Has this ever happened to anyone else?

With hold some vital info from her then!!! Where you are going on holiday or what car you may be getting her, I dunno...something like this?
randomlyLostInWales · 09/09/2021 15:37

I'd find it odd - DD1 told us straight away.

In fact they usually like telling us what they've managed - even in mocks and tests - even when there have been problems.

I have to get permission to pick DD1 now 16 perscriptions up form GP - form she needs to sign - so I can understand that the school can't tell you but I find it odd your child won't.

I suppose all I need to know is that they can get onto next step - but I'd find it odd if they didn't say or tell DGP when they phoned and asked - though all they want to know is they did well enough to get where they wanted.

astoundedgoat · 09/09/2021 15:40

I'm astonished by this! I would want to be able to advise and guide my child with her A-level choices (if she wanted guidance, I suppose).

Also what about fee-paying schools? "Thank you for the £100k. No, I'm afraid we can't tell you anything about how that all went. Good luck!"