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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Dd won’t tell us her GCSE results- anyone else experienced this?

343 replies

TheCountessofFitzdotterel · 09/09/2021 12:47

And if so how did you approach it?

All I know is that they were good enough for her to do the A Level subjects she wanted, which is nice.

Is it just us? Has this ever happened to anyone else?

OP posts:
PennyPasta3 · 09/09/2021 16:49

I took my DS to collect his results from school - he then stayed in school with his friends for several hours (during which time he opened his results & presumably discussed them with his friends). I then collected him from school & when he was in the car he told me he didn't want to tell me the results until we got home - not an inkling as to how he did!

For all those saying that they are the Childs results - I was hurt, and yes, they are his results - but I had supported him through the good & the bad. It didn't matter what the results were but I felt aggrieved that he couldn't just tell me - and I told him so!

At home, when his Dad asked how he'd done - he told him that he'd upset me - so a happy day was spoilt because of his weird behaviour. As it happened I then had access to his results online ( & I did look) - but at the same time he left his results letter on my desk. I did childishly say it was too late and I didn't want to know! We then sat down and had a discussion as to why he felt unable to even say whether he'd passed or failed. As it happens - he did exceptionally well - which makes it harder to understand why he needed time to think about them!

I think that my DS is a worrier and had put so much pressure on himself with the exams, Covid, leaving school that by not acknowledging the results he could remain in his little bubble a bit longer - before working out/worrying about his next steps. However, I felt this wasn't a reason to shut out those who care about him the most.

So, I'd be blunt, just tell them how hurtful it is to be left in the dark - whatever the result. We'll see just how much he has taken on board when his A level results come out next year!

PricklesAndSpikes · 09/09/2021 16:50

If my daughter refused to tell me her results (I can't really imagine it as she would be excited if she got what she hoped for and need consoling if she didn't), I would assume she had failed quite badly and just didn't want to to tell me.

Also, I know all families are different, and what one family finds acceptable another might not, and that's okay, but there is absolutely no way I would accept her not telling me when I outright asked. If she still flat out refused to tell me, I would flat out be refusing to cook her dinners / do her washing / provide her internet & mobile. She's still a child and "her data, her right to not share" would simply not wash in our family.

I would also be worried that if she wouldn't tell me something quite mundane, like what her results were, what else, more important, was she not telling me about?

Eviebeans · 09/09/2021 16:55

Is there any chance that she may not have done as well as anticipated?

TatianaBis · 09/09/2021 16:56

Fuck GDPR and human rights, I would have water-boarded my son to get them if necessary. How can we give him advice about A levels and uni if we don’t know his grades?

Lindy2 · 09/09/2021 16:58

I'd be quite hurt by this.

Surely most families share important news with each other. Exam results are quite big news and as her parents of course you want to know how your child has done.

Can you tell her that you feel quite hurt about being blocked out of this part of her life? Would she emphasise with how you feel?

frogface69 · 09/09/2021 16:59

The results are published in our local paper.

BertramLacey · 09/09/2021 17:02

You're not going to convince anyone that wanting to know your child's GCSE results is in any way abnormal or unreasonable.

That'll be why I then said 'It's not to say I wouldn't want to know - I would.' It's reasonable to want to know your child's exam results. However, if a child doesn't want to tell you, poking around, bribing them or threatening to throw them out if they don't tell you, is unlikely to bring about the desired result.

My school told all of us not to go into school on the day results were issued but to wait until results were posted out the next day - this was long before anything was available online. My mum went into my school anyway and found out my results before I did. It felt like a gross invasion of privacy. My mum didn't see it that way but it did affect our relationship and how much I trusted her with any information. So I can understand why a teenager might not want to share.

Sure, it's normal for a parent to want to know. I just don't think it gives you a moral right to find out.

JinglingHellsBells · 09/09/2021 17:04

@frogface69

The results are published in our local paper.
what, every students' results?

I can't believe that.

mumsiedarlingrevolta · 09/09/2021 17:04

@TheCountessofFitzdotterel My DD(20) advice is to wait it out.

Your DD is putting up a boundary and if you push she will put more up.

Parenting can be so infuriating and I def thinks gets harder as the get older-not easier. A lolly and a cuddle can no longer fix everything!!

Odoreida · 09/09/2021 17:06

I wish I had thought of this when I was a teenager! I would say she is just emphasising that she wants privacy in more aspects of her life. By 16 I didn't want meals cooked for me or lifts or help with homework, I just wanted to be independent. The fact that she is working hard and being paid indicates that this is her feeling too. It is a bit weird not to know your child's results but 16 year old me has total admiration for her.

Yogsgirl · 09/09/2021 17:06

I never understood this about school. We, as parents, were emailed my daughters school reports and mock results throughout year 11, I don't understand why the final results were not also emailed to parents.

Xiaoxiong · 09/09/2021 17:07

They expect support in many different ways with their education, and we pay for an awful lot of books/study guides/trip/resource fees/transport/etc, and support them when there are issues with the school and with acquiring extra support when needed.

Well said, @cookingisoverrated - I would be telling DD, "look, I can't properly support you in your education unless I know what we're working with - if you won't tell me your grades that's fine, but just so you know, that means I won't be able to support you properly or give you any advice for your future without all the information I need to do that. If you don't want any support or guidance from me, that's fine, but let's get that straight right now because I don't want you thinking that I abandoned you when you needed me, or refused to support you."

Benjispruce5 · 09/09/2021 17:09

The school emailed them to us. Strange that you don’t know.

Benjispruce5 · 09/09/2021 17:09

No conversation about grades needed for each subject?

GreyhoundG1rl · 09/09/2021 17:10

My mum went into my school anyway and found out my results before I did. It felt like a gross invasion of privacy.
Well yeah, that's not on, I'd have been furious at that too.
It's not the case here, though, it doesn't shed any light on why op's dd would behave like this.

Benjispruce5 · 09/09/2021 17:12

D D wasn’tasked for permission to share results. At 16 they are children. They phone when they’re absent fgs.

zenthoughtsonlythanks · 09/09/2021 17:14

Op, you sound very respectful of your daughter's choices, space and her personal autonomy. Literally admiring your ability to not howl in the face of such provocation!!!

I would be saying at this point enough is enough Grin but what the hell do I know, as every time I put my foot down about anything my teens seem to delight in all the more. So I can see why you have chosen the chill and wait route, but surely she is positively playing you now, like a slow torture of an insect burning under the magnifying glass!

You deserve a medal in my book, I would have broken by now and resorted to bribery, withholding wifi and any number of things I could wheel out. Surely other people/family have been asking you how she did??????

Aaaaaaahhhhhh I would be livid, not in an angry way but just how to slow burn a parent, your dd has clearly mastered the art beautifully.

Future job in MI5 perhaps?

zenthoughtsonlythanks · 09/09/2021 17:17

Have you looked in the local paper???

Honestly can not believe that happens! WTAF!!!!

GreyhoundG1rl · 09/09/2021 17:20

@zenthoughtsonlythanks

Have you looked in the local paper???

Honestly can not believe that happens! WTAF!!!!

Do they really publish results in the paper? How do they square that with not being able to tell parents without the child's consent? Last question; have you actually asked the school, op? I'll bet they'll be happy to tell you, and bemused at your dd's bizarre behaviour.
trappedsincesundaymorn · 09/09/2021 17:20

All I know is that they were good enough for her to do the A Level subjects she wanted, which is nice

That sentence right there sums up (to me anyway), why your DD is reluctant to tell you. She passed and instead of it being "great" or "wonderful" it's just "nice". Congratulate her, tell her you're proud of her and leave it at that.

zenthoughtsonlythanks · 09/09/2021 17:22

I actually altered my F to a B back in the day of paper results to show my parents (and obtain prize money Grin so at least she is not being dishonest with you! I still haven't told my mum, can't bring myself to tell her how utterly dishonest and disingenuous I once was!!! 16 years old are not known generally for their reasonable behaviour.

Ericaequites · 09/09/2021 17:24

I’m from the United States, without GSCEs. I did take other achievement tests, PSATs, SATs, and Advanced Placement tests. My mother and father would have made my life miserable if I hadn’t told them my grades . They left me open the envelope, but I told them my results, then let them see the forms.
Stop your daughter’s world until she tells you. Grounded except for school, no treats or new clothes, and no allowance until you had proof of her GSCE results. This is a very strange situation.

campion · 09/09/2021 17:25

I would be concerned if this becomes a regular habit ie shutting you out.

DS thought he didn't need us to know anything about his results, choice of subjects, progress, university etc and it worked against him in the end. He made some poor choices which could have been avoided, perhaps, if he'd had a more open discussion.

MolyHolyGuacamole · 09/09/2021 17:25

However, even if a child does not wish to give their parents access to their information, parents* are entitled to request access to, or a copy of, their child's educational record as part of their* entitlement as those with parental responsibility. This entitlement applies until the child reaches the age of 18.

Well thankfully the DofE uses common sense

https://www.theexamsoffice.org/wp-content/uploads/2021/06/Article-12Sharing-examination-results-and-results-informationn_July-2021.pdf*

Haskell · 09/09/2021 17:29

Maintained schools are not allowed to share with parents, only the child (though technically, if a child is still 15 on results day then presumably we could). In fee-paying, the parent is the client, and presumably therefore the "owner" of the data.

OP, are their any suspicions of autism for your DD? The only people I know this secretive have autism...but admittedly it runs in my family.

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