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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Dd and her appalling dress sense!

230 replies

Ifeelmuchlessfat · 30/07/2021 15:27

I have a lovely bubbly 15yo dd.
She’s had her body issues over the years (12/13yo) as was always bigger and taller than her peers, but now somehow seems fine about herself. She’s very large chested and hipped with a small waist and big bum, so probably quite fashionable, but is also frankly a bit overweight but doesn’t care enough atm to reduce the sugar.
I’m very happy that she’s happy with her body. I was the same shape and very self conscious and have done everything I could to ensure she is confident in herself.

However… I’m finding it difficult to not comment negatively on her dress sense as it’s SO revealing. She’s proud of her boobs, wears crop tops with spaghetti straps and tiny shorts she’s falling out of. She’s just bought a dress which manages to show off her legs, boobs AND stomach Confused

It’s just so… tarty.
I don’t want to hurt her feelings, and she thinks she looks lovely, so I’m obviously not saying what I really think.

Any advice? Do I just shut up and wait for her to grow up?

OP posts:
tiredanddangerous · 30/07/2021 16:11

Don't say a word to her op. It's fashion and most teenage girls dress like that.

TheMoth · 30/07/2021 16:12

I modelled myself on Courtney Love at that age. As did many of my peers. I used to buy armfuls of nylon nighties and wear them with ripped fishnets.

pleasedonttextmyman · 30/07/2021 16:12

Wearing clothes far too revealing doesn't even mean she is that confident, and happy with herself. Being too much in your face and "aggressive" can also be a way to dealing with issues with her body.

I don't know your daughter, but you are not doing her any favour by letting her get away with anything.

pleasedonttextmyman · 30/07/2021 16:14

She'll learn in her own time what is and isn't appropriate.

she should learn from her own parents to start with. Who else do you expect to teach her what is appropriate?

Benjispruce5 · 30/07/2021 16:14

Some unfair responses on here. It’s great that your daughters has such confirmation but I understand your worry about looking tarty. However(I have 2 at 17&20) I think some clothes these days are very revealing and aimed at the club scene.Mine might wear a crop top but the fashion seems to be to wear it with baggy jeans so it’s not ALL out Grinat once. I do think there is a time and a place but that might be because I didn’t wear stuff like that as a teen(I’m 50)?and those that did WERE seen as ‘tarty’ for want of a better word.

Benjispruce5 · 30/07/2021 16:14

Confidence not confirmation

MrsMiddleMother · 30/07/2021 16:14

@pleasedonttextmyman

I wouldn't let my 15 yo go out in any clothes I find inappropriate frankly. It's just being a parent.

Yes, it's easier to be a lazy parent and let them do whatever they want, but you don't have kids to have an easy life Hmm

It's not about "hurting their feeling", it's about teaching them how to behave, and dress.

No wonder so many kids are a nightmare with parents who can't be arsed to give them any guidance or don't dare telling them what (not) to do.

Completely agree
FreeSpirits · 30/07/2021 16:15

She's a child. And needs her mother's guidance. Not judgements.

WorriedWishingWell · 30/07/2021 16:15

Easy for you to say, but we all live in the real world. Women should be able to wear whatever they like but I would not let my 15 year old walk around like that with the way I know men talk about and treat women

Not jumping on you, but Milly Dowler (13) and Alice Gross (14?) didn't need to be dressed "tartily" (using the OP's language) to be abducted and murdered.
Whatever we do to ourselves to attempt to keep safe from certain predatory men will never be enough to stop those men.

Mamette · 30/07/2021 16:17

@pleasedonttextmyman

I wouldn't let my 15 yo go out in any clothes I find inappropriate frankly. It's just being a parent.

Yes, it's easier to be a lazy parent and let them do whatever they want, but you don't have kids to have an easy life Hmm

It's not about "hurting their feeling", it's about teaching them how to behave, and dress.

No wonder so many kids are a nightmare with parents who can't be arsed to give them any guidance or don't dare telling them what (not) to do.

Do you have an actual 15yo or are they hypothetical?

Your post reads like you haven’t a clue tbh.

Jerima · 30/07/2021 16:17

My DD is 16 and wears what she wants. She's the opposite of yours because it's usually things that look too warm in the summer and I just say nothing even though I think over and over that she's too hot. However last year she wore a pair of shorts from shein that was near enough a denim thong I could see so much bum I had to say something I just chose how I said it so as not to be shaming her. I don't think she realised as I think they didn't look so much like that online. Also there was a tiny dress she wanted to wear to climb up the Eiffel tower. I had to say no because we didn't know if the stairs were ones you could see through or closed in. I just explained "people might see tomorrow's washing if they look up whilst climbing" and although she moaned she changed into something else. BTW if anybody is going up the Eiffel tower, the stairs are closed in- we didn't know.

pleasedonttextmyman · 30/07/2021 16:17

It's not about misogyny, it's parenting.

I wouldn't let my 15 yo boy wear that either.

pleasedonttextmyman · 30/07/2021 16:18

Mamette

I have 2 teens and 2 primary school kids at home. I DO have a clue, even if you clearly don't agree with my parenting.

sergeilavrov · 30/07/2021 16:19

She already knows your feelings, I guarantee it. Please address the way you think about your daughter's body, and weight. It may be worth talking to someone about why you associate certain judgements and feelings with her aesthetic. The idea that she's endangering herself is victim blaming, and incorrect: most women are raped by people they know, and not withstanding what they wear. It's often pyjamas. Women are not at fault for being selected as victims of rape: the entire responsibility lies with men. Any narrative to the contrary merely redirects important pressure away from where it's needed the most: on rapists.

I developed a severe ED as a result of my mum's judgement, silent and otherwise. I almost died, and every day of my life is an effort to push away my tendency to starve myself. Our relationship has never fully recovered. Do not condemn your daughter to the same. I'd be thrilled she was confident - her body, her rules.

Iwonder08 · 30/07/2021 16:19

You want to stay away from the entire conversation about her size vs what she is allowed to wear. I would concentrate on making sure she is dressed appropriately for occasion and understands the impact.

Gemmy96 · 30/07/2021 16:19

I really doubt that she'd care about your opinion. Keep your mouth shut and let her find her own style the same way you were allowed to.
Oh, and if she's "frankly a bit overweight" I'd keep my mouth shut about that too.

This is a child we're talking about, how could any adult (never mind her own mother!) speak about her in such a nasty way?!

PerditaNitt · 30/07/2021 16:19

Agree with PPs that if you do bring it up you make sure the issue is the clothes and not how she looks in them.

I know that fashion has changed over the years, and kids always love to push boundaries, but our role as parents is to guide. We can do that without hurting feelings if we approach it with love, kindness and an open mind.

Maybe offer her some money to buy some clothes together and choose more elegant versions of the same items from classier shops if you can trust yourself to go shopping together without rolling your eyes Smile Hmm at all the underboob tops and dresses with random cutouts (eg, choose a mini dress with a higher neckline, or midriff revealing crop top with a semi sheer maxi skirt). Might be a risky strategy if you think you might make the wrong comments though

ittakes2 · 30/07/2021 16:20

You are getting a lot of flack but I can see why you are concerned. I met a lady once who was on a board who oversaw a department which looked a pedo crime. She said the sexualisation of children through their clothes choices was not helping. Of course we want our children to feel comfortable and confident and of course they shouldn't dress a certain way because of the sick people in the world - but the two things seem to be at odds with each other. And in your case a 15 year old looking like an adult woman is going to attract the attention of sexually active adults - but she might not be equipped to deal with that attention. Some 15 year olds would, other 15 year olds would not.
Besides all that - regardless there is an argument to say it makes sense to teach our children to dress appropriately for the occasion. If its raining we encourage them to wear a rain coat. If there knickers are showing when they walk we point that out don't we? I don't have the answer for you but you could maybe start conversations about dress codes when these come up on TV or if you see something in an advert.

whistlers · 30/07/2021 16:20

@Gemmy96

I really doubt that she'd care about your opinion. Keep your mouth shut and let her find her own style the same way you were allowed to. Oh, and if she's "frankly a bit overweight" I'd keep my mouth shut about that too.

This is a child we're talking about, how could any adult (never mind her own mother!) speak about her in such a nasty way?!

How is it nasty to speak honestly on an anonymous forum?
GetTaeFuck · 30/07/2021 16:22

Rapists will rape whatever the clothing. Revealing clothes do not attract rapists Hmm

OP - what exactly do you mean by she shows “more flesh” than she would if she were a size 8? That reads as if what you actually mean is, that you think she’s fat, and is showing fat, and you’d have no issue with the clothes if she were slim.

Eww.

TheMoth · 30/07/2021 16:22

There are ways of trying to gently dissuade kids though. My dad once uttered the immortal words:"you're not going out like that!'"

I was 17. Too right I was going out in a see through dress! I had matching underwear and huge combat boots. I looked fabulous.

With my own dd, I tend to go the:"go you think York be comfortable/ warm enough/ is it really appropriate for this occasion?"

GetTaeFuck · 30/07/2021 16:23

@ittakes2

You are getting a lot of flack but I can see why you are concerned. I met a lady once who was on a board who oversaw a department which looked a pedo crime. She said the sexualisation of children through their clothes choices was not helping. Of course we want our children to feel comfortable and confident and of course they shouldn't dress a certain way because of the sick people in the world - but the two things seem to be at odds with each other. And in your case a 15 year old looking like an adult woman is going to attract the attention of sexually active adults - but she might not be equipped to deal with that attention. Some 15 year olds would, other 15 year olds would not. Besides all that - regardless there is an argument to say it makes sense to teach our children to dress appropriately for the occasion. If its raining we encourage them to wear a rain coat. If there knickers are showing when they walk we point that out don't we? I don't have the answer for you but you could maybe start conversations about dress codes when these come up on TV or if you see something in an advert.
That lady needs to get a new fucking job, if that’s even true.
Gemmy96 · 30/07/2021 16:23

Tell her very explicitly that what she chooses to wear has absolutely nothing to do with how she should expect other people to treat her. This attitude will encourage her to accept disrespectful behaviour from people for the rest of her life tbh.

slightlysnippy · 30/07/2021 16:24

Good god the abuse your getting is ridiculous, I don't really see anything wrong with your post, and with clothes currently In fashion and your concern about revealing too much skin is completely rational motherly concern.

My 14 year old tried to leave the house last week with shorts that were essentially hot pants and I told her she was not wearing them outside the house, that conversation did not go well, my new tactic that has gone better is to say look that top, shorts etc etc is too revealing why don't we buy something together that we both agree you look good in.

Your not going to win every battle OP, so pick them wisely. (My daughter wanted to dye her hair black and with her skin colouring it would have been awful, so we agreed and I dyed it bright red last night, so comprise is a good strategy)

Motnight · 30/07/2021 16:25

My concern would be that your dd is going to get unwanted attention wearing anything considered revealing. It's a horrible fact of life, so that's the way I would approach it. Her size is immaterial. However it would be a question - 'you do realise that some boys and men will see you and make comments?' and take it from there.

It's nasty but it's what young women have to deal with in society today.

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