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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

So what is your theory behind the epidemic of teenage mental health issues

138 replies

AvacadoRush · 26/05/2021 08:01

I think I now have more friends whose teenagers have mental health issues (anxiety and depression - one of my teens included) than don't. All lovely, caring, supportive parents.

So what's going on? Is it simply an increase in recognition and diagnosis, usual teenage angst being labelled? Is it a failing in parenting by our generation?

My own theory is that much of it (if not the vast bulk of it) can be put down to the internet. From the age of 11yrs - as they go to secondary school - they have smartphones which (much as we try to police it - it's like trying to stop an avalanche with an egg cup) mean then have virtually unfettered access to, well, everything. All stuff that they are completely and utterly, with brains that are not even fully developed, able to cope with.

My friend put it like this (extreme example) he said if I walked up to a group of friends and said 'I really want to stab someone' - they'd all say 'don't be crazy', explain why it was wrong etc. Type that into the internet and you will find other like-minded people. Obviously that's the nasty side of things along with porn, grooming by gangs/paedophiles etc,

On the other side is the make-up tutorials, the bloggers, vloggers, the life-styles the impossibly unrealistic standards our dc will never reach. Death by bloody comparison. Even with the awareness that half this stuff is staged and bullshit there's still that creeping sense of failure. Even as an adult, scrolling through Facebook, you can feel it.

I don't think anything I've said is new or controversial.
So my last question is what the actual fuck can we do about it?

OP posts:
Timetobuckup · 31/05/2021 09:47

@malificent7 and those hormonal teens are the ones we are qualified to help and understand and settle. We are really good at it.

However a lot of time is taken up with the self harm , suicidal ideation, eating disorders, young people affected by trauma. At least once a week we are dealing with a young person who is at real risk of dying.
It is an unsafe situation but we have no choice but to keep trying.
Outside services can close their doors to these kids but we can't.

Timetobuckup · 31/05/2021 09:49

@FuckOffTabloids 'going private' is sadly what we will always recommend . Great if you can afford it but so many just can't.

JustDanceAddict · 01/06/2021 13:34

@Thirtyrock39

There is definitely a lot of pressure for life to be perfect. I initially thought the pandemic might actually help as it would make us realise what is really important- health, family, routine etc and also make everyday more trivial worry and stress not seem as important . Obvs this was before I realised how long restrictions would last and impact on education, socialising etc but I know a lot of parents worry if their children are experiencing normal ups and downs and expect them to be constantly happy which doesn't help build resilience I didn't have the easiest of childhoods but I think this helped me be appreciative and resilient when life is tough - I do think there is a lot of wrapping up in cotton wool abs helicopter parenting I still can't believe that sixth formers take their parents on uni open days for example and the parents ask most of the questions - would have been unthinkable in my sixth for days Also importance of knowing it's perfectly healthy to have sad times and worried times and that being happy all the time is unrealistic
Parents go to open days because we are bloody paying now as the loans are so crap. My dd did a mix of me going & her going w friends. I only went to one offer day 30 yrs ago & the coach was a mix of students with and without parents.
shadypines · 01/06/2021 14:48

Fantastic (but very sad) thread with some really excellent points that are giving me food for thought. I agree with the general opinion re the internet/ social media and the constant access to news (Always reminds me of the scene in the film 'The Fifth Element' when Leeloo is watching the videos of the world's atrocities and starts to cry!) and the details of how much 'fun' other people are having..or not. I can't remember the exact phrase one poster used but basically turning perfectly normal feelings of worry, sadness, anxiety into medical conditions.

Constant media coverage of MH issues. I cannot turn on BBC breakfast without mental health being mentioned within 5 minutes.

The constant expectation to be enjoying yourself I'm all for a pleasant and polite shop assistant but I curse the constant 'Have a lovely/wonderful/great/super etc etc day'. Sometimes if I visit several shops and get this each time I leave I feel like screaming 'it's just a feckin' ordinary day , shut the feck up' A tiny portion of my brain niggles me and asks me why aren't I having such a marvelous day?

The stall can be set prior to the teenage years with the Trend for constant organised activites with no time to get bored or entertain themselves. I stressed constant because of course some activities/clubs/sports are fantastic. But I have literally seen children almost dragged from one thing to another by yelling parents, the level of frantic is sad. Also in this category comes constantly supervised play, the scourge of the age of more traffic and the fear of paedophiles I assume? Not to mention the lure of electronic games and phones dulling the imagination and desire to do other things. Parents who are also glued to these devices whilst ignoring their children is something I see day in day out. The child knows the parents' attention is taken up by their phone and usually doesn't attempt conversation.

Modern television it's usually a diet of doom and gloom on the main channels (crime dramas ten a penny), a psycho film on channel 5 every afternoon (great after school viewing) or reality TV awash with air brained orange 'slebs'. When I was a teenager and there was only 3 to 4 channels you know that your friends/class would all watch the same things as you and you always had something to chat about and it felt like you had a common bond. That is taken away by all the choice.

OMG the above post 'people film themselves crying to music' , thank goodness my teenage years were not filled with this. Everything being filmed, I think that would have sent me over the edge.

idril · 01/06/2021 21:46

Agree with all the previous posters about pathologising perfectly normal emotions. A girl at my daughter's school (self) diagnosed herself as having depression when she felt pretty miserable because her parents were getting divorced.

So many of them are supposedly self-harming and showing off about that when they come to school with a few scratches but they all accuse each other of pretending to self-harm and pretending to be depressed or have anxiety. They try and get each other to tell the headteacher (who does pastoral care) that they are self-harming so they get the attention of going to speak to her.

The other big thing that I think is to blame is lack of sleep. The "depressed" girl at my daughter's school goes to bed routinely after 2am and then gets up for school. I think teenagers have always tried to stay up late but with phones in rooms and lack of boundaries with switching them off, it's all too easy to get sucked into going to bed so late.

Anyone would feel down in the dumps if you are chonically tired. I know my daughter acts like the end of world is coming when she's had too late a night but with an early night and a good night sleep she's back to normal the next day.

June2021 · 03/06/2021 19:42

@idril

Agree with all the previous posters about pathologising perfectly normal emotions. A girl at my daughter's school (self) diagnosed herself as having depression when she felt pretty miserable because her parents were getting divorced.

So many of them are supposedly self-harming and showing off about that when they come to school with a few scratches but they all accuse each other of pretending to self-harm and pretending to be depressed or have anxiety. They try and get each other to tell the headteacher (who does pastoral care) that they are self-harming so they get the attention of going to speak to her.

The other big thing that I think is to blame is lack of sleep. The "depressed" girl at my daughter's school goes to bed routinely after 2am and then gets up for school. I think teenagers have always tried to stay up late but with phones in rooms and lack of boundaries with switching them off, it's all too easy to get sucked into going to bed so late.

Anyone would feel down in the dumps if you are chonically tired. I know my daughter acts like the end of world is coming when she's had too late a night but with an early night and a good night sleep she's back to normal the next day.

Yes I agree. We all go through ups and downs and always have. Nowadays everything is MH and the worst of the worst. Why don't children and adult have a little bit of resilience anymore? Everything has to be a catastrophe and seen as anxiety or panic attack or mh issues - I mean most people feel a bit anxious/depressed etc but now everyone seems to take things to the extreme when chatting about pretty normal responses to stressful situations.
Roonerspismed · 03/06/2021 19:47

I’m going to add into the mix nutrition. Our diets are highly inflammatory, low in basic nutrients and lead to blood sugar imbalance. Our diets are high omega 6 and very low in in omega three which affects every cell of the body. The microbiome is damaged from low rates of breastfeeding, clean lives and poor diet lacking in diversity. This also impacts mood.

Most teenagers look unwell - and feel unwell.

You could do worse by thinking about a decent omega 3 supplement, iron, zinc and B vits.

RLI1105 · 27/07/2021 14:26

Thank you for all posting your thoughts, I have read most of them. My half sister is 18 and has suffered from mental health issues for years. Self harm, suicide attempts, she has spent 2 years in a psychiatric hospital. It has ripped my family apart and permanently changed us all. I get so sad when I think back to our happy childhoods. My heart breaks for my mum and step dad.

I am now a mother to a toddler and newborn twins and I am already terrified of what their teenage years will bring.

Could I ask what you would say to new parents? What could/should we do to help our children avoid these problems?

Whinginadeville · 27/07/2021 14:38

Nat ins no given out at 15 and part time work encouraged. School leaving age brought back to 15 if they so choose and drop this University for all Blair bollocks and get apprenticeship schemes, actual on job schemes, going again. Want to be a nurse? Start by cleaning the wards and work your way up. Want to be a plumber? Start by labouring and find a proper plumber etc etc. This idea that everything needs a degree and everyone should go to university is ridiculous. My dc are grown ups now and the so called college courses so many of their friends did are border line abusive. You can't learn a trade at college. I know 20/21 year old university leavers who've never done a day's work. The Internet is here to stay but boy do we need to change our attitudes to it. No phones in schools maybe? Japanese children start their school day cleaning their schools and that would be a good start. Our dc need to feel they contribute we have swung so far into the cult of childhood we forget they are capable, rounded individuals and need to stop treating them like Tricky Woo (James Herriot reference obscure but so apt)

Whinginadeville · 27/07/2021 14:41

And nutrition that's an excellent point I feel crap if I have too much sugar or processed food yet I see kids walking to school with red bulls and tubs of pringles it makes me weep poor kids have no chance.

BiBabbles · 27/07/2021 20:30

For new parents RLI1105, it's hard to say because there are so many factors some sociocultural, some biological which the former might exasperate - there is still a lot to learn about puberty and brain development, but there is a lot of writing on puberty itself as a factor, that likely teenagers have a wider range of emotions and more difficulty coping with them (middle age might also be a factor with the whole U-bend of happiness effect). We may never know them all.

Having been the mentally ill kid and now having children myself, I think one of the most important things is teaching coping skills, having space to practice - and fail at and know that failure can be normal - coping skills, and having emotions normalized even when the response isn't desired.

So, to use a toddler example, many kids tend to hit when feeling a strong emotion. When mine were young, my spouse or I would hold the hand they hit us with and tell them that it's okay to feel [emotion], but it's our job to stop them hurting anyone (including themselves) until they can do it themselves. And we would hold until they calmed down. It took time, but they stopped and I continue to frame similar things as helping until they can do it themselves or cope themselves.

After some bumps with my oldest, we blocked web browsers - at his request - because he couldn't cope with managing it even with the family filters and all on. We actually attached a computer to our TV and used a usb keyboard so when they used it, it was in full view and we could talk through everything together. I treat the internet like going out, first with my holding their hand, then walking by their side, then walking with them, and so on. I think this helped.

Also, a mistake I made, is seeing a behaviour and using pathological language. I did that with my DD1 - she was talking about a habit she does of pacing in her room while daydreaming and it caught me off guard as I did that when I was young & I called it maladaptive daydreaming in the discussion, because that's what many call it when it's attached to a disorder like I have, but it's also a perfectly normal behaviour. I had to walk it back with her, repeatedly, because she heard 'something's wrong with you' and she was at an age with some peers where it was mental ill health oneupmanship (which has thankfully started to fade as they've gotten to the end of Y10, though part of it was shifting social group)

Social groups are very important, and I never said she couldn't be friends with people, but I always reframed when certain friends got very absolute about something and taught her to focus on those people who help her feel good and spend less time on those that made her feel worse.

I had a lot of adults treat me like a freak, but what helped me most were those adults who didn't take BS or excuses, but also gave space and talked to me enough to find out what was going on under my abnormal behaviour and gave me scaffolding and hope that I could learn to cope better and that even when my reactions were weird or plain wrong, my emotions - including my anger - weren't. It's normal to feel angry when betrayed or let down, but there are ways through that (Emotional First Aid is a good TedTalk/book on this).

One important emotional skill is knowing emotions are another type of sensory information, they tell us something, but we might not always know what (just like we don't always recognize what's causing a smell) and they pass, it won't smell like poo forever and it'll smell like it less and faster doing certain actions though might not keep it away forever.

Chillychangchoo · 21/09/2021 18:16

Have worked in pastoral care in an inner city comp. One huge risk factor for MH in young people is parents who suffer from MH themselves. As a society we are definitely primed for poor MH.

Cost of living, too many hours “working” often for unpleasant management, lack of real “time” with family. Mother’s burnt out “having it all”…. Coupled with huge amounts of social status anxiety in parents who want their kids to achieve and do well but often at the expense of their happiness and well-being. Often you’ll find the parents aren’t coping well with their MH or have undiagnosed personality disorders which affect young people.

Schools being generally unpleasant environments whereby teachers are also stressed and transferring this on to pupils for maximum data results. Kids being overly scheduled with activities and not enough downtime ….

An overly narcissistic culture on social media and the standards of beauty that young women will feel, and also now young men.

A culture whereby society does not accept sad emotions and pathologies normal sadness and anxiety.

Poverty is also another massive factor, I mean the list is pretty endless.

MarleneDietrichsSmile · 21/09/2021 18:27

I think Covid has tipped many teens over the edge

2 years of severely reduced school and social life snd sport, everything cancelled, the long “house arrest” from December through a March this year

They have paid a very high price imo

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