I'm a teenager so I couldn't care less about my appearance.......

[Iamaperiwinkle]

Major RANT alert.

This has been going on for at least 3 years. I throw massive wobbles about it to no effect. Have cried, shouted and now just feel I need to leave it alone and let her sort it out. But I'm worried about social services.

DD is 14. 14 years old and bright and social but can she

1. brush her teeth ?-nope -regularly they are yellow/ orange colour and disgusting. I nag every morning and every evening without fail. She would go over a week if I let her. Brought her a lovely new soft head electric toothbrush -she never uses it
2. wash her face or neck? -nope. Her face wash is x10 the price of mine. She got a lovely one from the body shop -took her out of the day. Brought new sponge, new face wash and a light cream -her neck is grey from the dirt
3. Clean school uniform? -nope. I brought her 7 tops, 7 jumpers, 7 trousers etc for school. She will regularly wear the same one day in and day out despite their being clean ones in her drawer
4. Brush or wash her Hair? -again nice conditioner and shampoo I have to 'force' her in the bath to wash it and she never ever brushes it -and it is long. She looks like she has been dragged through a hedge backwards. I threaten to take her to a hairdresser and she cries. Its awful
5. Nails -clean? No. Never washes her hands unless nagged to the moon. Writes on the back of her hand -it is there the next day. Never cuts her nails or looks after them
6. Does she smell clean? Nope -She smells- if I force her in the bath -once a week that a good week -she just doesn't clean herself at all it is gross.
7. Decent diet? Nope. She eats crap -thin as a rake -does she eat good food ?-nope. She'll eat crap all day.
8. Drink plenty of Water ?- nope. Buy her lovely water bottles -she leaves them at home, doesn't clean them and they have mould in them.

I ranted, shouted, tried to reward, brought her everything and more than she needs. I have cried my eyes out both this week and last week -it's a 3 year problem.

I don't know what else I can do??

This morning -got her up (she never wakes up even with an alarm clock -I have to go in her room with the alarm on full volume and scream at her to wake up so I'm already stressed!!) she has an hour. She did not brush her hair, teeth, wash her hair, put deo on or anything. No breakfast. Walked out of the house with her shoe laces undone looking like -I don't know. I cried. I got in the car and cried.

She said 'I'll wash and brush my hair when we get home' -that was an hour ago

Do I just give up??

Oh my gosh that sounds really hard

Sorry that sent before I meant to, it sounds like you have done lots to try and support her. Does anyone else notice or comment on her lack of personal hygiene ? Any siblings or another parent ? Is she low in mood?

Wow this sounds hard.

I assume she knows she smells?

Does she lack enthusiasm in other areas of her life(depressed perhaps?)

I was also going to ask if she’s depressed or struggling with low mood.
If it’s that bad you may want to consider a therapist for her?

Sorry you’re struggling, it sounds really hard.

Has she started her period? If not maybe that will trigger her to shower more.

To offer a different perspective. I was your daughter. And you sound just like my Mum was. Reguarly having to scream at me to get up as I didn't hear alarms. Nagging and moaning about all the same things mentioned in your thread. And honestly, the constant comments, nagging, trying to force me, just made me resist further. Have you tried maybe just leaving her to it? As long as there's stuff there to use, deodorant, shampoo, face wash, toothpaste, etc. She knows where they are. Perhaps leave her to it, stop mentioning it and hopefully she'll start doing it when she's ready? And really the only one I'd really worry about from your list is the tooth brushing as that's so so important.

Alternatively, could there be depression at play here?

Have you tried sitting down and talking about it, a heart to heart of sorts to try and find out why she doesn't want to do those things? Or what would make them easier?

As an adult now, I can totally see my Mum's perspective so I'm sorry for you and hope you can get things sorted x

It sounds like you should back off. You've done your bit by supplying the means for her to look after herself, she's old enough to do it all herself including get to school on time.
Let her know so she can set an alarm and then stop reminding her.
Not doing what you want her to do is probably the only thing she can control right now.

These things aren't causing problems in her life. Why should she change?

The only problem she has from this situation is a nagging mother.

I'd go with the backing off completely too personally and speaking to pastoral care at school.

Currently what your doing isn't working and so doing nothing isn't going to make it worse - could make it better?

The reason I mention pastoral care at school is they may be able to chat and find out if it's low mood (in which case you can step back in and support GP apt etc) or something else and maybe that'll give you a clue on what will work.

Isn’t this just all teenagers. I make mine do all the stuff listed. Stinky, manky clothes etc, no phone. Simple

@cracracatlady

Isn’t this just all teenagers. I make mine do all the stuff listed. Stinky, manky clothes etc, no phone. Simple

You don't see many teenagers with orange teeth and grey necks so no

Could you speak to her form tutor at school? I’d tell them everything you’ve told us here and just say you’re going to leave her to it more now. I’d want them to be aware so they know she isn’t just being neglected.

How did it get to this point? Has she always been like it?

My dd wouldn't be leaving the house liking/smelling like that, does she not get bullied for it?

Is she otherwise NT? I know sometimes sensory issues/ASC can cause issues with washing and teeth brushing.

I have a teen dd and this does not sound typical at all....

Could she be on the autistic spectrum, or is it just self care she struggles with?

Is there any chance that your DD is on the spectrum or has strong sensory issues? I ask because I work with teen girls, have an autistic child myself and it’s very, very unusual for girls of that age to be like this unless there is neglect or lack of facilities at home (e.g no hot water etc) - obviously not the case here - or severe depression ( and she would also probably school-refuse). However, some autistic children find the sensation of showers and the smells of products to be very overwhelming on a sensory level. It also sounds like there is a degree of demand-avoidance too - are there issues around HW, talking to unfamiliar people or eating? If there are, your first line of action is the GP. I would also inform the Head of Year and contact the school nurse to explain the situation, as what you are describing could be raised as a safeguarding concern by school.

@lljkk

These things aren't causing problems in her life. Why should she change?

The only problem she has from this situation is a nagging mother.

Thanks for that. Really the only problem -is me? the nagging mother. Great.

We are 3 years down the road. So I'm exhausted with it. Really exhausted.

I don't think she is depressed although she is starting counselling. We have been through a number of traumas -but she is self and well at home. When 'nagged' she will eventually brush her hair or wash it etc -but it is exhausting. Literally every morning and evening. This evening I had told her 8 times to go and wash her face and brush her teeth which she has eventually done. But it will be the same in the morning.

No, I don't think she is NT at all. The GP knows and thinks it is just being a teenager and not taking it seriously. I think (undiagnosed) that she is a very high functioning autistic. Lots of issues dating back years. She's very very bright. Currently doing a couple of A Levels (through school -she's done the GCSEs at school early) -extremely bright.

@Girliefriendlikespuppies

How did it get to this point? Has she always been like it?

My dd wouldn't be leaving the house liking/smelling like that, does she not get bullied for it?

Is she otherwise NT? I know sometimes sensory issues/ASC can cause issues with washing and teeth brushing.

I have a teen dd and this does not sound typical at all....

She's always been 'bad' for it. Brushing hair etc

She doesn't seem the get bullied -but I think the mask hides the teeth etc at school currently.

I do know a few other teen girls who are not particularly clean but without me nagging -daily -she really doesn't care about her appearance. Her work -yes, she is overly carefully and sensitive about the paper, her writing everything. She is a perfectionist at school. But looking like some sort of urchin. We have talked and talked and talked about. She promises to improve and the next day -ground zero again.

I think if she is possibly autistic (which from your last post sounds likely) you will have to be quite strict on the hygiene routine. My dd is also ASC (well recently diagnosed as borderline but with autistic traits ) and I literally had to march her into the shower and direct her every step on the way every single morning, l would do the same with tooth brushing.

She is now 15yo and is fine but it took a while to get there!!

I'd also have consequences ready for not doing it, poor hygiene will have health and social implications throughout her life so in my mind it's worth insisting on.

She really does not sound okay OP.

Is she depressed? Or unwell mentally? It could also be ASD, has she told you why she doesn't want to wash? This isn't normal teenage behaviour, teenagers can certainly be a bit lax in their hygiene but this is very extreme

@Girliefriendlikespuppies

I think if she is possibly autistic (which from your last post sounds likely) you will have to be quite strict on the hygiene routine. My dd is also ASC (well recently diagnosed as borderline but with autistic traits ) and I literally had to march her into the shower and direct her every step on the way every single morning, l would do the same with tooth brushing.

She is now 15yo and is fine but it took a while to get there!!

I'd also have consequences ready for not doing it, poor hygiene will have health and social implications throughout her life so in my mind it's worth insisting on.

I think what @Girliefriendlikespuppies said as in have set times and March her in. Teeth brushing and clean skin are non negotiable. You could do it together - but it has to be done. What does she car about? Phone? If it helps my sister went through a phase like this. She would fill the sink and move the water about with her hand. My mum thought she was washing. Only realized when her neck was grey! Persist - teens are a bit like toddlers. They don’t always know what’s best for them.

I can’t believe she is not getting bullied for it. She must be??!

This is so strange to me as all the teenagers I know and when I was one, was constantly showering, doing hair, trying to get white teeth, clean clothes and so much perfume you smelled like a walking florist! 😂

There must be something behind this, is it that she just generally can’t be bothered or does she not like water or something?

She does sound unusually disinterested in personal hygiene OP and I feel for you as it must be very stressful. I’ve worked with teenagers for years and had my own. Yes they might be a bit like this but not to the extent you describe. What I would say though Is that most teenage issues that cause concern turn out to be a phase. You can only do so much. Talking to the school might be a good idea.

Could you try buying her some unscented products? She may be over sensitive to the smell?

I've been there both as the teenager and as the parent of teenagers who don't care much about their appearance, though they're nowhere near as bad as I was (though we've had grey streaks on the arm).

First thought is buying less things. One of the big things with this is getting over the inertia to do the thing and more stuff tends to be more of a block to that. Really, the only things I've bought that helped was a light up dental mirror to keep track (and those disclosure tablets that colour change the plaque on teeth - I know the yellow and muck seems obvious, but it kinda fades from mind compared to actively doing something to see it) and a comfortable seat for the shower with all the things in easy reach. It's more adjusting the environment than stuff.

Sometimes the best way to get over that inertia is walking through it with them as a pp described. Having a set time to put the dirty clothes in or handed to you and set out the fresh clothes for the next day, then walk them to the next thing. I keep brushes downstairs near the door so I can just hand my DD2 a brush as otherwise she'll just walk around like she's been dragged through a hedge backwards.

The food thing, it's possible she's not feeling hungry until she's very hungry and wants to eat then and so grabs what's easiest rather than healthiest. That's still me - I have to set things up to make healthier options easier. I have protein bars near where I work so I can eat when it occurs to me. I have ready made salad and dressing/sauces to go wraps ready for lunch because anything effortful more and I just won't eat. There is a reason my spouse is in charge of dinners, I happily live on foods that I can make in 5 minutes or less. Having grown up with the wonders of powdered butter sandwiches, I've had to replace them with healthier options as I've gotten older.

Having read the update, this can be a trauma or stress response. Even as an adult who knows better, the inertia can be hard when my CPTSD is being more difficult or I'm really stressed. My DS1 is the master of being super diligent with his school work and chipper - right up until he cracks. His hygiene going down is often our first clue that he's struggling more than he appears.