I'm a teenager so I couldn't care less about my appearance.......

[Iamaperiwinkle]

Major RANT alert.

This has been going on for at least 3 years. I throw massive wobbles about it to no effect. Have cried, shouted and now just feel I need to leave it alone and let her sort it out. But I'm worried about social services.

DD is 14. 14 years old and bright and social but can she

1. brush her teeth ?-nope -regularly they are yellow/ orange colour and disgusting. I nag every morning and every evening without fail. She would go over a week if I let her. Brought her a lovely new soft head electric toothbrush -she never uses it
2. wash her face or neck? -nope. Her face wash is x10 the price of mine. She got a lovely one from the body shop -took her out of the day. Brought new sponge, new face wash and a light cream -her neck is grey from the dirt
3. Clean school uniform? -nope. I brought her 7 tops, 7 jumpers, 7 trousers etc for school. She will regularly wear the same one day in and day out despite their being clean ones in her drawer
4. Brush or wash her Hair? -again nice conditioner and shampoo I have to 'force' her in the bath to wash it and she never ever brushes it -and it is long. She looks like she has been dragged through a hedge backwards. I threaten to take her to a hairdresser and she cries. Its awful
5. Nails -clean? No. Never washes her hands unless nagged to the moon. Writes on the back of her hand -it is there the next day. Never cuts her nails or looks after them
6. Does she smell clean? Nope -She smells- if I force her in the bath -once a week that a good week -she just doesn't clean herself at all it is gross.
7. Decent diet? Nope. She eats crap -thin as a rake -does she eat good food ?-nope. She'll eat crap all day.
8. Drink plenty of Water ?- nope. Buy her lovely water bottles -she leaves them at home, doesn't clean them and they have mould in them.

I ranted, shouted, tried to reward, brought her everything and more than she needs. I have cried my eyes out both this week and last week -it's a 3 year problem.

I don't know what else I can do??

This morning -got her up (she never wakes up even with an alarm clock -I have to go in her room with the alarm on full volume and scream at her to wake up so I'm already stressed!!) she has an hour. She did not brush her hair, teeth, wash her hair, put deo on or anything. No breakfast. Walked out of the house with her shoe laces undone looking like -I don't know. I cried. I got in the car and cried.

She said 'I'll wash and brush my hair when we get home' -that was an hour ago

Do I just give up??

It sounds like my 13 year old son I still have to tell him to do teeth every morning and night. I have to go in bathroom while he's behind the shower and put shampoo on his head to make sure he washes his hair plus I make him rub it in while I am there or he would just scrap it off. He doesn't change his clothes unless I remove them while he's in the shower. He seems to wear a pair of boxers till they are full of holes. I got some with different colours so I can tell if he puts the same back on. He will leave his socks at the side of my table and get them every morning. He doesn't spray himself so I spray him every morning. Some times you can smell him when he walks into a room.
I think he's just lazy and would rather do other stuff but he's getting older now and should be doing this stuff by himself for himself but he doesn't care.

Sal

I am sure you've tried that but bribery? What does she like/would like to have?

It might not work, but sit down with her and have a chat about things, how is her self-esteem, how she feels about herself. It might be a reflection of her hating the fact that she is growing up, not liking the way she looks.

Then try support and encouragement, small steps, and get her something she likes. It might be junk food, but that's ok.

I have two teenagers, one looks like Robert Smith from The Cure in the 80s. His hair is like straw. He wears eyeliner, and black nail varnish. Sometimes I have to bite my lips not to laugh. But he does wash and brushes his teeth though. It can be a form of rebellion, obviously, I think teenagers know what makes you cross and will push your button until there's a fight. It's soooo not easy.

Since she heard me sob to the GP and then the GP spoke to her for a while -things have been very different.

Teeth brushed, hair band in every day and hair brushed and new uniform every day.

Hair is being cut tomorrow she is now -chin length mummy -but I'm urging caution and saying shoulder length and I will take you back the following week, month etc if you want it shorter- it can't be uncut.

Thanks though -it is MUCH better.

If she has ASC could it the toothpaste. What about trying an unflavoured one? Many children with ASC can't cope with strongly flavoured mint/menthol toothpaste. There's a lot of sensation and flavour and it's too much.

She sounds a lot like my son at that age. He has ASC and ADHD.

@iamaperwinkle @iamaperiwinkle
You can buy alarms for the hard of hearing which slip under the pillow and vibrate strongly,might help her wake up. I struggle with waking up and a sunrise alarm clock has made a massive difference.

@Iamaperiwinkle @Iamaperwinkle sounds really positive. It’s great that it seems like teenage stubbornness and not anything more sinister / serious.

Hopefully getting past the tension and frustration will be good for your relationship too.

Sounds like you are doing great with it now.

Hair has been cut -7 inches or so off to just below the shoulder -she loves it. Her face lit up.

Mine had 10 inches off or more to the chin in a bob -she loves it too.

She wanted to go shorter and the hairdresser and I talked her out of it. I told her I'd rather pay twice and have her happy then once -and it be too short.
The hairdresser was lovely. She loves her new hair cut and the hairdresser said 'live with it for a week' and we know you love this one and if you want shorter ring me and I'll fit you in after school a week later, or come back at your next appointment (start of July) and I'll do it then. So job done.

It's great that you feel you've had a breakthrough.

Please just bear in mind that few GPs have sufficient knowledge of ASD to express an opinion on diagnosis. They often turn parents away who are desperate for their child to be assessed for ludicrous reasons like the child hit all their baby milestones or they make good eye contact.

Also, your DD may well be expending energy on trying not to upset you that is not sustainable for her. If she lapses, please don't automatically put it down to laziness. People with ASD often don't have an age-appropriate understanding of their emotions and can have little concept of how their processing differs from the norm. They often just think things are this hard for everyone and they just aren't putting enough effort in when they are already exhausting themselves.

I hope you're right that she doesn't have ASD but please keep an open mind. Punishing someone for their neurological differences can be harmful.