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DD accused of sending Nude to a boy in school and she's devastated
178

Whitegrenache · 29/04/2021 09:49

Dd is suffering from low mood and anxiety ans has never enjoyed secondary school. She has a strong set of friends out of school but has never really had firm friends at school which she finds hard and sad about.
Anyway she started self harming last week and told me. I spoke to GP and have booked her for private counselling which we are waiting for a date.
She fell out with her bf after Xmas and doesn't know why, bf just stopped speaking to her for no reason which has definitely been a source of dd anxiety.

She rang me at lunchtime yesterday begging me to pick her up from school. She then burst into tears when she was in the car and told me a boy (her ex best friends ex boyfriend )had told another boy, that a girl (from a different school) had sent him a nude picture. that boy then decided to shout out in the dinner hall that it was my DD who sent it. All but one of her friends have turned against my dd believing that she did send the nude and how dare she do this to her bf 😢
Then last night dd was getting snap chats from on random girl being basically Abusive and bullying dd. She was absolutely heart broken and begged us to not send her into school.
We insisted she needs to go to the school which she has done and try to ignore and be strong.

My question is what else can is do?
She won't let me contact school as snitches are treat even worse!
But she is desperately unhappy and I am absolutely lost as to how to help her.
Thanks

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CoddledAsAMommet · 29/04/2021 18:56

I'm so pleased you went and got her. Great parenting! Just cosset her. She's learned the biggest lesson of her life: that you have her back, you believe her and you will protect her.
But please, don't let this go with the school. Don't let them feel the problem has gone away just because your daughter won't be back. This will be another girl, and another, and another... and their parents may not be as swift as you in removing their child.

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pommedeterre · 29/04/2021 19:01

Move schools. End of.

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pommedeterre · 29/04/2021 19:02

Sorry, RTE a bit more. Well done OP. I also agree that you need to make sure the school own it too (whilst never sending her back).

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Cinders22 · 29/04/2021 19:03

I work in a school and am surprised at the comment from school about not blaming you if you contact the Police. If there is an allegation of a nude picture, they should confiscate the phone and contact the Police themselves. The DSL, or in fact any member of staff, are not allowed to view the picture.

I would report to the Police, just in case school have not, as if the boy destroys the phone and you will then have no evidence. A PP has suggested reporting to Snapchat, I would not do that yet as again, the evidence will disappear.

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MadeForThis · 29/04/2021 19:15

Reserve the right to contact the police of the school fail to act effectively.

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Ayla182 · 29/04/2021 19:21

Sometimes schools can be so useless when it comes to bullying. Go straight to the police! They will sort the bullies

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toocold54 · 29/04/2021 19:38

I’m late to the thread but I absolutely think you have done the right thing by contacting the school. Often the phrase ‘snitches get stitches’ is used as a deterrent to not tell anyone as it often does work.

I had this happen in my school but the girl had sent nudes of her ex bf to her friends and the boy’s mum went to the police (even though he begged her not to) and the girl is now in serious trouble as she should be. The police spoke to lots of them and found out who it was who sent it to who.
It not only stops the images going around but sends a clear message that it won’t be tolerated.

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Lilymossflower · 29/04/2021 20:09

Take her out of school and tell school why

Go to police also about it all

It can seem in short term to make a traumatic situation worse to involve authorities and police, but in the long term it teaches her to not be afraid to speak out and 'make a fuss'

We need women and girls everywhere to make incredible fusses if we want change

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shiningstar2 · 29/04/2021 20:19

This is very serious op. You need all the evidence you can collect regarding the bullying. Check her phone ext. Photo evidence of bullying because once kids realize they are being checked up on they get rid of evidence pdq. The perpetrators will deny and deny but there is nothing more conclusive than presenting actual undisputable evidence.

The teens are a tricky time. Be aware that in looking for this evidence you may come across commentary from dd you might be shocked about which would need talking through.

This type of bullying often, in my experience led by girl cliques, can be very damaging. Speaking as a retired Head of Year I have seen a good deal of it. Sometimes a parent presents what seems to be clear evidence of the main perpetrator only for further evidence coming to light which changes the whole picture.

It is horrible when your own dd is the victim. Try to calmly gather as much evidence as possible before raising the issue calmly with the school. If you do not feel they are making proper efforts to put a stop to it then your may need to approach the police. Flowers

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getsomehelp · 29/04/2021 20:25

My step grand daughter is going through this, It's a secret, but she opened up to my DD (her GodMother) who told me.
it's a mix of being sexually coerced at a sleep over by a boy in her class, & the whole class bullying her & calling her as a liar, cyber bullying, name calling.
Eventually my DD had to call her parents & announce all this to them, (they have played it down,) it's appalling, she is now seeing a psychologist, & a psychiatrist, the police were involved. she can't sleep & been put on sleeping medication.
The whole thing is horrific. She recently came to stay with DD for a week over the school holidays, (Not UK) I was shocked to see a shell of the girl she was before.

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Rhythmisadancer · 29/04/2021 20:25

also, if it worries her, why should she get blamed if the police are called? If she had shared a nude picture she would be put onto the sex register, same as any boy who shared it - if the bullies say it's her she's hardly likely to grass herself up to the police is she? The only safe thing for a teen (or anyone) to do with an unsolicited nude pic is delete it.

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Rainbowsandstorms · 29/04/2021 20:57

You sound like a wonderful Mum, the relief that your daughter must have knowing that’ll you’ll support her with whatever will make her happy must be huge.

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catlovingbeth · 29/04/2021 21:04

Schools have to follow very strict rules about this, undertaking their own risk assessment and contacting children’s services and the police, as appropriate. Creating or sharing an indecent image of someone under 18 is illegal, even if it is the young person sharing an image of themselves. Here is the full guidance schools have to follow. All best wishes to you and your DD.
assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachment_data/file/947545/UKCIS_sharing_nudes_and_semi_nudes_advice_for_education_settings_V2.pdf#page29

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MmeLaraque · 29/04/2021 21:10

I haven't read the whole thread (am onpage 2?), but if you need help with home education whilst you sort this mess out, just message me. I'd be glad to help.

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MmeLaraque · 29/04/2021 21:24

@DeeplyMovingExperience

I would also say to report this to the police.

Women are conditioned and often coerced into not reporting sexual harassment or sex-based abuse. It's not right. The more light that can be thrown on this the better.

Report it. If you don't, and she needs to rely on this in years to come, for whatever reason, if there is no record of it, the police will ask, "Why didn't you/your parent report it at the time?" No official record = no evidence. Report it. Log it yourself. Name of officer, badge number. Everything you can write down. Write it down. Keep that. If ever she needs it, it's there. All of it.
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beachsidecafe · 29/04/2021 21:40

Your darling girl. I am sorry you are both going through this. You have done the right thing.
So many kind messages on here. Just wanted to add DM me if I can help Flowers

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evelynina · 29/04/2021 21:52

Thank you for taking your daughter out of the school I was bullied excessively at school as well as my mum being abusive.My dad refused to pull me out I tried to end my life a number of times I'd had enough I was eventually admitted to a MH ward. Nurse and psychiatrist said I wasn't to go back there . I finally changed areas and schools and had a nice final year it saved my life.


Teenage years are awful and a lot of adults try to push it under the carpet.

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TolkiensFallow · 29/04/2021 21:54

Well done for going to get her and thank god you are such a marvellous mum that she can talk to you about this stuff!
Frankly I hope the school contacted you before the end of the day to update you with tales of suspensions

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LemonCake79 · 29/04/2021 22:13

Just adding my voice to everyone else who says you have done the right thing here.

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Lullaby88 · 29/04/2021 22:24

I'd change her school. Ur daughter seems really unhappy there and this can impact her adult life later and her confidence down the line. Yes its true adults cant see what kids see. If you tell the teachers although it is a sensible thing to do, it wont make life easier for ur daughter.

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Lullaby88 · 29/04/2021 22:25

I havent read other messages so sorry if iv missed something.

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bluebellscorner · 29/04/2021 22:32

OP I am so sorry this has happened to your a daughter. I hope she is feeling ok. I hope you will share what happens going forward, if you can. There is so much to learn from this for all of us. @ChiefBabySniffer your story is absolutely heartbreaking, I hope your daughter is ok now.

I have children, and I am so terrified for what lies ahead. How can we possibly protect our children from this? Not give them smartphones at all? Homeschool them? Move to the middle of nowhere? I just don’t know what to do to keep them safe from things like this.

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numberoneson · 29/04/2021 22:36

@CoddledAsAMommet

Don't send her to that school ever again. She's already self-harming.
If this was happening to you at work you'd leave. Support her. Apologise for making her go in today and let her know that you'll be finding a new school as soon as possible.
I have older teenagers and this is what I'd do. Resilience doesn't mean putting up with atrocious behaviour indefinitely. Teach her that if a situation is bad (school/relationships/work) then leaving and starting anew is a perfectly valid response. Honestly, don't make her go back.

This .

Self harming must be taken seriously. The next step up is suicide.

Having had a horrendous school experience from day 1 until I left at 15, and also having had severe clinical depression since childhood, I'm frankly scared for your daughter's mental health as you describe the situation.

Mu Mum used to accuse me of "running away from problems". My reply was that it was masochistic to remain in a bad situation when a better one existed.

Be the decent Mum you sound in your OP: support your daughter emotionally and practically, and get her out of that school tomorrow.
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bluebellscorner · 29/04/2021 22:37

And I also wanted to agree with @MmeLaraque
Definitely report it. I had something happen to me in school when I was 11, and while my mother definitely fought for me and had meetings with the school, she agreed not to report it to the police after the school pressured her not to, out of concern for the boy who did it. We both came to regret that later on.

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Feedingthebirds1 · 29/04/2021 23:24

OP please do report it to the police. Your first concern is of course your DD, making sure that she is feeling safer and more secure, but what's happened is not trivial and there are wider implications. The photo should be investigated for a start because there may well be an actual offence there. And the school may want to minimise what's happened, despite what they said to you.

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