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DD accused of sending Nude to a boy in school and she's devastated
178

Whitegrenache · 29/04/2021 09:49

Dd is suffering from low mood and anxiety ans has never enjoyed secondary school. She has a strong set of friends out of school but has never really had firm friends at school which she finds hard and sad about.
Anyway she started self harming last week and told me. I spoke to GP and have booked her for private counselling which we are waiting for a date.
She fell out with her bf after Xmas and doesn't know why, bf just stopped speaking to her for no reason which has definitely been a source of dd anxiety.

She rang me at lunchtime yesterday begging me to pick her up from school. She then burst into tears when she was in the car and told me a boy (her ex best friends ex boyfriend )had told another boy, that a girl (from a different school) had sent him a nude picture. that boy then decided to shout out in the dinner hall that it was my DD who sent it. All but one of her friends have turned against my dd believing that she did send the nude and how dare she do this to her bf 😢
Then last night dd was getting snap chats from on random girl being basically Abusive and bullying dd. She was absolutely heart broken and begged us to not send her into school.
We insisted she needs to go to the school which she has done and try to ignore and be strong.

My question is what else can is do?
She won't let me contact school as snitches are treat even worse!
But she is desperately unhappy and I am absolutely lost as to how to help her.
Thanks

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Cassilis · 29/04/2021 15:15

I have decided against this as the school are taking it seriously.

I would still report to the police. Boys/men like this should face consequences for their actions.

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Weirdfan · 29/04/2021 15:19

@Startingagainperson

Your poor DD and you, what a horrible situation. You are acting which is absolutely the right thing.

All I’d say is that it’s a lot to take on, so one day at a time with your DD. She is probably thinking this is it, my life is just the worst ever, and if I was the parent I’d be wanting to just be very present with her for a bit so reassure not by words so much, but by your presence and normality that life won’t end with this and it is possible to push on. What I mean by that is be a kind of strong giant around her, act but in a very calm way so that she gets a sense that it’s OK, even if she doesn’t feel like that. So nice dinners, watching TV together, making her breakfast, no school for a while just take stock, stand back, make sure you are with her like glue if you can for a bit so she’s not sucked into social media.

Agree with every word of this, it's exactly what I would be doing with my DD.
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spiderlight · 29/04/2021 15:20

What a nightmare situation. Thank goodness you've scooped her up and that the school is taking it seriously.

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Sittingonabench · 29/04/2021 15:22

That’s great news OP - giving her your backing and her reaction to it suggests she feels safe and supported. It’s so nice that this has a positive outcome.

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newnortherner111 · 29/04/2021 15:22

I agree with those saying report it to the police. Telling them how supportive the school are being.

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ladymalfoy45 · 29/04/2021 15:24

Could you post a pic of the lambs your DD is looking after?
I bet she’d feel great to think loads of women are proud of her and her lamb feeding. And cuddling.

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CharityDingle · 29/04/2021 15:26

@Cassilis

I have decided against this as the school are taking it seriously.

I would still report to the police. Boys/men like this should face consequences for their actions.

I agree.
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Itsokay2020 · 29/04/2021 15:26

I too would report to the Police, the school can only do so much and the Police will really hammer home the seriousness of what’s happened.

I am also really fed up with the fear associated with being a ‘snitch’, what part of society feels this is acceptable? Too many bullies use this to keep their victims quiet... parents really do need to step up and be more inquisitive about what their children are up to, how they’re behaving on social media and their general attitude towards others.

So much time is taken up in schools dealing with awful behaviour that has been allowed to manifest at home, rather than actually educate children. There’s a wealth of information to support parents (National Online Safety, the Two John’s) and I urge parents to educate themselves and make sure their kids have clear boundaries and expectations

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CaraherEIL · 29/04/2021 15:26

I think you have done really well, I would report it to the police as well, including the name of the boy who says he has the photo and the abusive girl online- put the shits up all of them. I am glad she is home safe and sound.

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Lougle · 29/04/2021 15:29

I think the age definitely matters here. DD3 (y7) came to me a few weeks ago, distraught because some boys said she had sex with another boy in year 5. I think because she is year 7, I was able to just say that boys can be really silly and don't grow up as quickly as girls. I said I could talk to the school, or she could just give them a withering look and say 'are you still talking about primary school?' She chose that option and it stopped. But, the idea of a year 5 having sex is (almost) ridiculous.

In year 10, that's just devastating. You did the right thing in getting her out. I hope the school does right and sorts it. Well done you.

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DinosaurDiana · 29/04/2021 15:31

I would be ringing the police for advice.

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CleverCatty · 29/04/2021 15:31

@CoddledAsAMommet

Don't send her to that school ever again. She's already self-harming.
If this was happening to you at work you'd leave. Support her. Apologise for making her go in today and let her know that you'll be finding a new school as soon as possible.
I have older teenagers and this is what I'd do. Resilience doesn't mean putting up with atrocious behaviour indefinitely. Teach her that if a situation is bad (school/relationships/work) then leaving and starting anew is a perfectly valid response. Honestly, don't make her go back.

Exactly. Totally agreed. don't send her to that school again.

I had a similar (not the nudes incident) when I was 14. Had been at the school 3 years returned and a random girl thought it was funny to set fire to my hair in the school, had suffered slightly with bullying before but headmaster refused to do much about it as did heads of year.

I was so upset I walked out of school straight home, head of year when DM spoke to them refused to do a thing. Mum said exactly same thing - if it was happening to them at work they'd leave. no answer from the school.

so she paid for me to go to the local private school across the road for the next 2 years but as she paid there were no bullies and if they were parents were encouraged to complain about them and they got expelled or suspended pretty damned quick because on the other hand as teachers told us 'you're paying for your education etc so you should work hard' so if parents are paying for education should be no bullies!

Resilience for someone who's already self harming can be very hard to regain or get back.

Honestly I'm pleased I walked out of that school - with the games mistress following me trying to get me to stay but she couldn't stop the bully or was ineffectual at dealing with her.
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Neome · 29/04/2021 15:32

Well done, so glad you did this 🌺

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CaraherEIL · 29/04/2021 15:33

Also I think if a child is self harming this whole snitches thing is bullshit some stupid teenage loyalty code and you have a suicidal child. I think it’s just a way that bullying is perpetuated under the guise of teenage loyalty which adds to the feeling of paralysis and torment. You don’t protect someone who is abusing you this is not the lesson to teach our kids. You don’t suffer in silence. Tell the truth and expose all the disgusting behaviour for what it is.

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CleverCatty · 29/04/2021 15:34

@Whitegrenache

She's home and I reported everything to safeguarding lead. School
Took it very seriously and even mentioned that I was well within my rights to report to the police . I have decided against this as the school are taking it seriously.
I have told dd she is not Going back to school tomorrow or Monday and if needs be and she agrees we will Change schools so that she never has to go back. We are very lucky to be able To afford private for a year if necessary.

Dd said she felt like a huge weight had been lifted off her and she seems back to her normal happy self.
She's currently off to feed our pet lambs ❤️ which definitely should Be prescribed on nhs for mental
Health boost!!

well done for your reaction! Your DD must feel great and that she has your back which is the most important thing!

If private is the next best thing please send her there - it did the world of good for me for 2 years after a not bad but 'rough' girls school.

My grades and GCSE passes improved no end in 2 years at private school! Smile

Flowers and best of luck to your DD.
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DeeplyMovingExperience · 29/04/2021 15:40

I would also say to report this to the police.

Women are conditioned and often coerced into not reporting sexual harassment or sex-based abuse. It's not right. The more light that can be thrown on this the better.

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Frenchdressing · 29/04/2021 15:42

It’s a safeguarding issue and potentially impacts more than your DD. Please speak to the head of Year.

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Frenchdressing · 29/04/2021 15:42

Ah just saw you did. Well done.

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Tal45 · 29/04/2021 15:48

Where do her friends from outside go to school? I'd send her there. While it might not be the ideal time to change schools for the average child this is an extreme situation and your daughter is not going to do well if she is unhappy anyway. I'm glad she's feeling better though, she's lucky to have such a supportive mum.

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CutieBear · 29/04/2021 15:48

I’m so glad you decided to report this to the school. I think you should report this to the police too. This is serious. I would also move your DD to another school.

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1forAll74 · 29/04/2021 15:52

If your daughter has done nothing wrong at all, then she should face up to these nasty types of kids at school. It maybe not easy for her to do, but its a learning curve for her, for the future. You just have to push yourself,to deal with unpleasant things in life.

The Teachers will have to be aware of what has happened of course,and find out who is behind all this, and then some actions taken.

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Bjarnum · 29/04/2021 15:56

As a teacher I was able to tackle bullies by saying that an uninvolved child had witnessed/heard the behaviour and asked me to intervene. There are ways of acting without having DD labelled a snitch. On another occasion the behaviour had been picked up by CCTV. Make sure that the school have a coherent plan which will support your DD - and not give the bullies a chance to get their lies straight. A teacher could also investigate why the bf stopped talking to her Sending hugs - it's a horrible experience

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ikeepseeingit · 29/04/2021 15:57

Hi OP, I'm young enough that we had smartphones in high school. The exact same thing happened in one of my friendship groups there. This was an awful environment to be in, and I (as a 15-year-old) was pushing for teacher involvement and I didn't get taken seriously. I never told my mum as it wasn't directly happening to me so wasn't sure where I stood. I'm so glad she has you. I'm going, to be honest, I should not have stayed in that school. Having read your recent reply, you're making the right decision.

She deserves to be in a place where she feels safe and I'm so happy you can provide her with that.

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sasparilla1 · 29/04/2021 15:59

Unfortunately I have some experience and hence knowledge of this type of situation from my own dd.

Having nude photos of a minor on your phone is a criminal offence. So I would most definitely report this to the police so that they can find out who it actually is and if there is a safeguarding issue. The chances are that if this is a first time offence then no action will be taken, but the boy will receive a stern talking to - this is what happened in my daughter's case.

I really feel for your daughter it's horrible thing to happen to her, and I really hope the school take the whole bullying issue seriously. Is she year 10 or 11?

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Coyoacan · 29/04/2021 16:00

Just want to say you've been given wonderful advice OP and you followed it. Your dd is very lucky to have you and I'm sure will never forget this

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