DD accused of sending Nude to a boy in school and she's devastated

[Whitegrenache]

Dd is suffering from low mood and anxiety ans has never enjoyed secondary school. She has a strong set of friends out of school but has never really had firm friends at school which she finds hard and sad about.
Anyway she started self harming last week and told me. I spoke to GP and have booked her for private counselling which we are waiting for a date.
She fell out with her bf after Xmas and doesn't know why, bf just stopped speaking to her for no reason which has definitely been a source of dd anxiety.

She rang me at lunchtime yesterday begging me to pick her up from school. She then burst into tears when she was in the car and told me a boy (her ex best friends ex boyfriend )had told another boy, that a girl (from a different school) had sent him a nude picture. that boy then decided to shout out in the dinner hall that it was my DD who sent it. All but one of her friends have turned against my dd believing that she did send the nude and how dare she do this to her bf 😢
Then last night dd was getting snap chats from on random girl being basically Abusive and bullying dd. She was absolutely heart broken and begged us to not send her into school.
We insisted she needs to go to the school which she has done and try to ignore and be strong.

My question is what else can is do?
She won't let me contact school as snitches are treat even worse!
But she is desperately unhappy and I am absolutely lost as to how to help her.
Thanks

[BodyMovin]

Agree re police. This boy, and all the other boys observing this play out, needs to learn that if an unsolicited nude ends up on his phone his reaction was the wrong one.

I have a friend with teens and she has emphasised the illegality of this from the start of secondary. I wish the schools would too! I don't think any teens actually think a child poronography offence is desirable.

When I was at school a whole lot of shit happened. Even more so in the all boys comprehensive my boyfriend went to. And I see the damage that was done reverberating throughout my peer's lives still in their 30s and 40s. I do think we should expect better, safer environments in schools.

[Honeydrops5]

@CoddledAsAMommet response is absolutely spot on! If this was you in a work environment and you was being harassed, bullied and victimised which led to bad mental health and self harming you would of been given stress leave by the gp at the very least if not considering leaving. Pushing your child to go to school when you know all this is going on doesnt teach her resilience it just puts her in awful vulnerable position. It's okay to leave a toxic relationship if its detrimental to your mental health just as much as it's okay to leave a toxic environment too! No one should have to put up with what she is going through to prove a point that she is better or stronger than this. She is 15!!! Dont send her back op. Listen to her, she knows better than anyone how she feels. If this escalates and she doesnt feel comfortable going back respect that and help her to find a school she can be happy in!!!!

[FlyingBurrito]

I agree, make it clear to the school that you will be involving the police. Teens don't always make the bect decisions but the boy who started this needs to know the impact he's having and a scare from the police might halt an otherwise continuing pattern of behaviour

[GoingBacktoSchool123]

Urgh.....don't send your DD back to a school where " snitches are treated worse". If the school doesn't deal with bullying to the extent that students are scared to report it, the school is not fit for purpose and hell would freeze over before I would send my DC back to such a place without assurances from the Senior Leadership Team that my DC would be protected.

[crosspelican]

@CoddledAsAMommet

Don't send her to that school ever again. She's already self-harming.
If this was happening to you at work you'd leave. Support her. Apologise for making her go in today and let her know that you'll be finding a new school as soon as possible.
I have older teenagers and this is what I'd do. Resilience doesn't mean putting up with atrocious behaviour indefinitely. Teach her that if a situation is bad (school/relationships/work) then leaving and starting anew is a perfectly valid response. Honestly, don't make her go back.

Completely agreed. I was bullied all through school and my parents wouldn't even contemplate taking me out. "You have to learn to put up with these things." NO YOU DON'T. You wouldn't put up with a workplace where you were unhappy, lonely and self-harming, so we should not teach children that they have to put up with a school that makes them miserable.

And definitely report to both her school and the school where the boy is (I didn't quite understand if the supposed recipient of this supposed nude - which probably doesn't even exist - is at her school.)

But honestly, please don't send her back tomorrow or ever again. She is HARMING HERSELF she is so unhappy there. I don't often get emotional about things on the internet, but this is making me feel very teary for your poor, poor daughter, who is enduring so much, for absolutely no good reason.

Let her learn at home for the rest of this year - if one good thing has come out of all this, it's the astonishing level of online support for home learning, in particular Oak National Academy. Tutors for the tough subjects, and then a new school in September.

[diddl]

So they absolutely aren't her friends are they?

In fact if what your daughter has told you is true then they are deliberately bullying her for something that they have been told wasn't her?

What absolute shits those boys are also!

[dannydyerismydad]

An incident happened at a local school to me regarding the exchanging of nude photos which escalated outside the school into the local community. I suspect it's an issue that flares up from time to time at many schools, but it really is a serious safeguarding issue.

In your shoes I would contact the safeguarding lead for the school and raise a safeguarding concern.

Also you need to speak to someone on SLT who heads up pastoral care to get urgent measures put in place to protect your DD. Make it very clear that she will not be returning to school until they can ensure she will not be bullied.

[Whitegrenache]

She's home and I reported everything to safeguarding lead. School
Took it very seriously and even mentioned that I was well within my rights to report to the police . I have decided against this as the school are taking it seriously.
I have told dd she is not Going back to school tomorrow or Monday and if needs be and she agrees we will Change schools so that she never has to go back. We are very lucky to be able To afford private for a year if necessary.

Dd said she felt like a huge weight had been lifted off her and she seems back to her normal happy self.
She's currently off to feed our pet lambs ❤️ which definitely should Be prescribed on nhs for mental
Health boost!!

[Whitegrenache]

Thanks for giving me the confidence and different perspective to ensure my lovely
Girl is well Looked after and safe.
No vipers here

[TheQueef]

Good luck.
When she thinks about this in future she will remember you took her seriously and acted.
I hope school can nip this and stop any further spread.

[Lipz]

@Whitegrenache

She's home and I reported everything to safeguarding lead. School
Took it very seriously and even mentioned that I was well within my rights to report to the police . I have decided against this as the school are taking it seriously.
I have told dd she is not Going back to school tomorrow or Monday and if needs be and she agrees we will Change schools so that she never has to go back. We are very lucky to be able To afford private for a year if necessary.

Dd said she felt like a huge weight had been lifted off her and she seems back to her normal happy self.
She's currently off to feed our pet lambs ❤️ which definitely should Be prescribed on nhs for mental
Health boost!!

You're amazing.

You probably won't realise yet, how much you have helped your dd. Speaking from personal experience this has 100% helped her mental health. She'll be so happy and relieved inside. She'll never forget how you helped her.

Good luck with taking this further. I hope it all goes your and dds way.

A nice evening in order for you all, and plenty of hugs and reassurance for your dd.

[StormBaby]

In my experience once it’s got to this stage you keep them at home. New school on the cards

[m0therofdragons]

I would be speaking to the head of year. The snitches thing is horrible but she needs support and too many dc take their own lives feeling desperate with no where to turn. She needs to know that there is somewhere to turn.

[DeeplyMovingExperience]

You've done the right thing. I took my DD out of school due to bullying and put her into a private school for her last year. Totally skinted me but it was the best decision and I never regretted it. That awful school nearly destroyed her.

[crosspelican]

You're such a great Mum! She knows categorically that you have her back now, although feeding lambs is a pretty outstanding way to cheer anybody up! :)

[Weirdfan]

Honestly OP you have no idea how much the way you have responded means to your DD, or how devastating it could have been to her had you not 100% had her back. Glad school are taking it seriously and that DD is feeling better, feeding lambs sounds like just what she needs

[Candycane57]

You absolutely did the right thing- hopefully they can deal with this and prevent further trauma for her.


Could/Would you consider home schooling her until the end of this term? She'll be able to be electively homeschooled and then do her GCSE's at college. She may find college is a much more mature environment where bullying is less of an issue and dealt with quicker.
Although private is an option for you, she may benefit more from going to college where there's less pressure on getting excellent top marks and more interest in student wellbeing.

[Thecatsawinner]

I’m old so no nudes but in school I went on a date with a guy in the year above me, just cinema, bags of chips and a snog. I was totally shocked that he told the entire school that we had sex, I braved it out, said it never happened, never spoke to the guy again.

Difference was that my friends backed me too, they knew that I wasn’t up for anything more than a kiss, it became old news quickly, the guy in question never got a date in school again.

Im glad that you are looking after your DD, if she has never sent nudes then she needs to be confident in her response and this is a stark reminder why it needs to be a flat no

[m0therofdragons]

Sorry, just saw update. I’m so happy you’ve done this.

[Synthesiser]

Well done op. You've done the right thing.

[ancientgran]

Now you've got her out of school the boy who said it was her needs to be dealt with. He's causing harm to your daughter. I'd be insisting on a meeting of her year with the boy admitting it wasn't her. Even if she moves school this could follow her so it needs clearing up.

[themalamander]

The boy that shouted that lie out is a little shit. Surely this is some form of sexual harassment.
If you're not planning to send her back then you should go ahead and speak with the police. Boys need to learn that there are huge consequences for this sort of shit. And the boy who told that one that he had a photo of some girl from another school is just as bad; he shouldn't have it and he absolutely shouldnt be talking about it.

[Budapestdreams]

Well done OP, you are an amazing Mum. I'm glad your DD is feeling better at home. She is safe now.

Good luck with school and your next steps.

[Startingagainperson]

Your poor DD and you, what a horrible situation. You are acting which is absolutely the right thing.

All I’d say is that it’s a lot to take on, so one day at a time with your DD. She is probably thinking this is it, my life is just the worst ever, and if I was the parent I’d be wanting to just be very present with her for a bit so reassure not by words so much, but by your presence and normality that life won’t end with this and it is possible to push on. What I mean by that is be a kind of strong giant around her, act but in a very calm way so that she gets a sense that it’s OK, even if she doesn’t feel like that. So nice dinners, watching TV together, making her breakfast, no school for a while just take stock, stand back, make sure you are with her like glue if you can for a bit so she’s not sucked into social media.

[Batteriisincluded]

You should report it to the police. They will give these bullies much more of a fright than the school will.