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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

I think my 16 year old son has got his gf pregnant...

337 replies

Meltinthemiddle · 26/04/2021 15:41

But I think her mum has already took him and her to get an a abortion. I can't be sure yet though. I feel sick. He's been going off the rails recently and this has just topped everything. I'm not ready to be a gran anymore then they are parents. And is she has had an abortion should her parents have told us? My son has mild learning difficulties and mental health issues it's alot for him to cope with alone.

OP posts:
Pinkbrush · 26/04/2021 18:55

I’m sorry you’re getting these weird responses OP, you were very clear and you have every right to feel how you feel. Just ignore the stupid responses.

You sound like a good parent. The key thing is to encourage everyone to talk and stay calm. You are his mother and have every right to be upset by this.

partyatthepalace · 26/04/2021 18:56

Oh dear - so sorry OP.

If she’d had a termination, then no neither the girl nor her parents have any obligation to discuss it with you.

However if she’s going to have the baby her parents should be reaching out to you - even if it’s a holder conversation while they all take a breath.

Can you reach out to them - say you understand they may need a few days grace but then you all need to set up a conversation next week. At this first meeting everyone really just needs to say where they are - making decisions about how it is all to be managed can wait till the following week. If you don’t know the parents I wouldn’t necessarily take your son’s word for how liberal they are etc, they are probably as mind blown as you. You need to be clear supporting the baby is a joint project - you mustn’t end up doing it all - it’s also essential the girl stays at school and finishes her education. If your son isn’t academic, is the plan an apprenticeship for him?

So sorry OP, but it’s not necessarily the end of the world - it does need practical management though.

Original poster
Meltinthemiddle · 26/04/2021 18:59

Thank you. I'm letting the news sink in and hopefully the other parents will be willing to talk. I guess they need to go to the doctors first and decide. I'm just gravely concerned about how he is going to support them when I've been worried about being able to support just himself and getting him through the education system and into a job so he can contribute to society. I'm also concerned for him as a parent of a son, as yes the women has more rights then he has so if they break up the impact this will also have with his relationship with the child.

OP posts:
OhKnackers · 26/04/2021 18:59

I understand your shock, let's face it no one wants their 16 year old pregnant or with a pregnant girlfriend. But no you shouldn't be told about her termination nor should you encourage. It's her decision. I had a termination at 15 and didn't tell my own mum.

OhKnackers · 26/04/2021 19:01

Also even as someone's mother you can't make them go on the pill. He has condoms as you've said and it looks pretty likely that he's chosen not to use them, she shouldn't just get the kicking.

Original poster
Meltinthemiddle · 26/04/2021 19:01

[quote Maskedrevenger]@Meltinthemiddle

We are 5 years on from virtually the same situation with our 16 year old DS, he has different issues to your DS and the girl was older. We were shocked and upset and it’s not been ideal but it hasn’t been the end of the world either. PM me if you want to “talk”.[/quote]
Yes I would love to thank you!!

OP posts:
MissMaple82 · 26/04/2021 19:09

Bloody hell fire. 16 year old cannot make a decision to have a baby, they definitely 100% do need guiding!! She needs to have an abortion and that's what I would be guiding them towards. Can't understand why the poster is getting such a hard time about this, I'd like to see how you would all cope in the same situation.

MissMaple82 · 26/04/2021 19:11

The point is, the op gave her son condoms, what more can she do ther than be in on the act amd make sure its on!!! The girls parents knew they were secually active but made no effort to ensure she was on the pill

LeilaLiesLow · 26/04/2021 19:19

OP, having worked with teenagers for years, and I hate to say it, but there is a chance this girl got pregnant on purpose to 'keep' your son. He may not have used a condom- she may have said it was a 'safe' time of the month. Who knows.

They are just above the age of consent- well, he is- she's not.
They are not adults.

Her own parents are going to bear the full brunt of this if she goes ahead with the pregnancy.

I feel so sorry for you and your son because he clearly has no idea what he's got coming to him as shown by his glee over the pregnancy.
Most 16 yr olds without a LD would be horrified.

Original poster
Meltinthemiddle · 26/04/2021 19:25

They are madly in love and she thinks he's the one. He said condom split! Probably didn't use on or not properly. Hence why I wanted her on the pill obviously I didn't say that before anyone attacks! The fact she shares a room with her sibling makes me wonder who is going to feel the brunt of it if I'm honest!! Ds has his own room but not a double as we were expecting the kids to leave in a few years or at least one of them!

OP posts:
tuttifuckinfruity · 26/04/2021 19:28

I'm so sorry, OP.

Your head must be spinning.

Deep breath. One step at a time.

It's very early days. You will all need to get together and have a discussion.

Best of luck x

felulageller · 26/04/2021 19:32

As a mum of a teen ds I feel for you. It's my nightmare scenario that he gets someone pregnant.

He has said he wouldn't even tell me!!!

Hope it all works out.

Original poster
Meltinthemiddle · 26/04/2021 19:33

They also supply my son with alcohol without asking so maybe they were drunk!! So who knows.

OP posts:
RampantIvy · 26/04/2021 20:03

Why is it a tragedy? They could parent the child with support from both sets of parents

Why do you assume that both sets of parents want to help bring up a child? It is a tragedy IMO.

Congratulations on being a grandmother to be!

WTF!
I don’t think that is what the OP wants to hear @Guavafish. Not every woman is desperate to become a grandparent.

I’m sorry that too many posters haven’t bothered to read your updates @Meltinthemiddle. It sounds like a difficult situation for you Flowers

Quincie · 26/04/2021 20:06

Nice to be a grandmother and babysit the odd evening - not bring up the child whilst also parenting the young parents!! And all the cost of that!

Original poster
Meltinthemiddle · 26/04/2021 20:12

I just wanted my son to be self efficient. To get some sort of education and to get a job that he can maintain. I hope this baby will be the making of him I really do. But after the way he's been recently its a lot to take on. Of he was just a few years older maybe. And selfishly I feel embarrassed that I've failed as a parent. One of my worst feels beside drugs has come true basically.

OP posts:
ForThePurposeOfTheTape · 26/04/2021 20:14

Yanbu with what you hoped for your son. ThanksThanks

NorthernMC · 26/04/2021 20:19

This is a very complex situation. I’d be ringing the social worker in the morning. There are all sorts of questions being raised. Does he have capacity to consent to sex, has he been taken advantage of by girlfriend, are her parents complicit in this by supplying him with alcohol. He’s a very vulnerable young man by the sound of it and you need professional guidance. Social services will need to assess girlfriend and your son and you need to decide how much support you’ll give him to raise this baby or he could have very limited supervised contact in the future. A desperately sad situation for you xx

VioletCharlotte · 26/04/2021 20:23

OP I've got teen boys, both a bit older than yours and I would be devastated too if this happened. I think all you can do for now is look after yourself and try to stay calm. I'm not sure if this thread is really helping tbh, there's a lot of odd advice which must be making your head spin! Do you have a friend or family member you could talk to for support?

I understand that right now this probably feels like the worse thing ever, but in time things will work there way out one way or another. The gf will be entitled to benefits once she's had the baby. I assume she'll be living with her parents? I would encourage your DS to stay in education or look for an apprenticeship when he leaves school. He can get a part time job to do his bit to support his child. Social services will have seen this kind of thing many times before, so hopefully will be able to give you some advice.

Sending* Brew* (or Ginif you prefer!)

Original poster
Meltinthemiddle · 26/04/2021 20:26

His learning difficulties are communications and processing so he does have some mental compacity but not sure of he's been fully assessed to be honest. We've been fighting for help for a long time but even now it's too late. But yes he is vulnerable and nieve. The school have said this. He's very impressionable so looks up to people and not necessary the right people. His expectations are unrealistic. This is what I'm concerned ab out. Not sure if this typical teen behaviour though.

OP posts:
secular39 · 26/04/2021 20:28

Her life would be way more affected that your DS. Your upset now, but have a little bit of sympathy for her. Totally can relate your embarrassment, disappointed, and loss for your son. The storm will past and you will dote on your grand daughter/son when or if he/she arrives.

NorthernMC · 26/04/2021 20:29

It doesn’t sound like he understands what it means that his girlfriend is pregnant. You also seem unsure if he’d have the understanding of how to use a condom properly or the importance of it. It’s just very sad, for him and you. And her.

Original poster
Meltinthemiddle · 26/04/2021 20:29

Thanks to those who've been helpful. Agree some bizarre advice form people not reading the thread properly and too quick to judge usual. I'm going to force myself to eat as got work tomorrow.

OP posts:
Guavafish · 26/04/2021 20:34

I think you’re being ridiculous! Of course not every women is desperate to be a grandmother!

But she has no choice!

She has to accept the fact her son will be a father and herself a grandmother soon. It’s not want she wanted ... but she has no control of this now. Of course she could choose not to be in her grandchildren’s life. But I believe once the grandchild arrives she will love him/her.

Original poster
Meltinthemiddle · 26/04/2021 20:58

I guess when so many adults fail to practice safe sex then its a big ask for teenagers to be responsible! I know many adult friends who don't.

OP posts: