I think my 16 year old son has got his gf pregnant...

[Meltinthemiddle]

But I think her mum has already took him and her to get an a abortion. I can't be sure yet though. I feel sick. He's been going off the rails recently and this has just topped everything. I'm not ready to be a gran anymore then they are parents. And is she has had an abortion should her parents have told us? My son has mild learning difficulties and mental health issues it's alot for him to cope with alone.

You've only just found out. You are in shock.

For all you know the other parents might be as freaked out as you and the two lovebirds are saying to them that you are made up at being a gran.

There is still time for the girl to weigh up the reality of being a mother and change her mind if she wants. Right now she could be getting a bollocking from her parents that the father of her baby is unlikely to be able to give her the support she fully needs and be hearing a few home truths from that end.

So maybe it will all come right in the end. For now, just breathe and maybe pour yourself a stiff drink.

Instead of just supporting him we wilk have 3 of them to support of she decides to keep the baby.

OP, you need to reign back a bit. They are not all your responsibility. Do what you are able to do to help, but they need to take responsibility for their own lives too. It may not be the life you'd have chosen for him but it's the life he's taken. Hard to accept I am sure but it is what it is xx

I have lots of sympathy for how you must be feeling. How do you get a child who's been off the rails the last 6 months (or selfish) on the right path and ready for a job that requires being selfless?

What does this this young lady want to do?

It may also be worth talking to his social worker about parenting classes too. They should be able to refer him.

I think people need to differentiate your (lack of) rights to know about an abortion, and the reasonable expectation that you would have been informed (not asked) of this by her or her family.

You have no right to know. It's her choice. She can choose to keep it a secret if she wants. You shouldn't blame her or her parents for this.

At the same time, I would say it's perfectly reasonable to have hoped, and even expected, that she or her parents would inform you and your DS - considering his age and vulnerability. But this is just an expectation, not a right.

Therefore, my approach would be to contact the parents and ask directly. 'Hi, I've heard that your DD may be pregnant by my DS. Given that DS is so young and doesn't seem clear about what's happened, I wanted to confirm if this is the case and ask if there's anything we can do to help?' I'd use your DS' confusion as an excuse to get in touch. But be very ready to accept they may not respond, or respond by telling you it's none of your business, which they are entitled to do.

When the OP’s son has LD, depending on the impact of this, then yes she would have a right to know.

The answer you are looking for is still no. There is literally nothing that can compel this girl to disclose her medical records if she chooses not to. His LD does not trump her right to privacy unless she physically took advantage of him and was charged with domestic abuse or sexual assault. That is clearly not the case despite his LD and I would doubt any court in the land outside those circumstances that would compel her to do so. OP has no such right. It would be nice if she was informed but she has no right to that information until the girl decides she wants to share it.

@Bluntness100

If people are going down the statutory rape lane really it’s pointless, unless she’s about 12 but if she’s 15 and he’s 16 then as much as it’s illegal with his learning difficulties and as it was consensual this would never be charged

Op, can you contact her parents?

Not quite true. Unless things have changed. I know of someone who's gf was 15, he was 16. Parents knew they were having sex and he was tagged for 3 months after going to court

Therefore, my approach would be to contact the parents and ask directly. 'Hi, I've heard that your DD may be pregnant by my DS. Given that DS is so young and doesn't seem clear about what's happened, I wanted to confirm if this is the case and ask if there's anything we can do to help?' I'd use your DS' confusion as an excuse to get in touch. But be very ready to accept they may not respond, or respond by telling you it's none of your business, which they are entitled to do.

^^ Agree that this should be your next move.

I think you're getting a rough time here. Abortion is very triggering for a lot of people so you will get some fairly excited responses. I think once you've got over the shock and collected yourself, be the loving parent that I'm sure you are, offer support, ask him how he feels about it, how she feels about it, no judgement just support. She will be supported by her parents hopefully to find the right way through for her. You will have to go along with whatever they decide but you can be there for your boy because he also may be scared out of his wits and in need of a steadying voice of wisdom.

Hello

Congratulations on being a grandmother to be!

Of course it’s not the ideal situation but life happens. My advice is try not to make it about you. Advice your son not to drop out of school and help him with career advice! Get to know the mother of grandchild and try to start a positive relationship.

Your task will be to support and try to stir your son into becoming a great father and partner!

Once the baby arrives - you’ll find such great love and happiness!

If your DS stays in full time education then he won't be required to pay child maintenance.

www.gov.uk/how-child-maintenance-is-worked-out

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/children-and-young-people/child-maintenance1/choosing-how-to-arrange-child-maintenance/check-what-child-maintenance-arrangement-is-right-for-you/

OP do you have a good relationship with the girlfriend?

I asked if the girl's parents were wealthy - thinking that perhaps they were wealthy and having DD and lovely new baby move in would be a good thing and was something they could easily provide for. But if that is not the case then perhaps OP you could make enquiries about housing etc (although to be honest you probably don't want them on their own) and if the facts are that they will not get a nearby flat or furnishings etc or good benefit payments they might have second thoughts about their happy future.

@NorthernMC as others have said, op’s sons learning difficulties do not mean OP has a rig to know anything about this young lady’s decisions. I am shocked that you think OP has rights over this girl based on her sons issues. I strongly suggest you do some reading around basic individual rights in this country. OP has to rely on her son to be open and honest with her about this pregnancy.

This young man does sound very vulnerable if, as op has outlined, he is struggling to understand this situation.

Does he have a social worker? Will he be able to live independently? Will he be able to physically care for a baby when it arrives?

These are all assessments I am
Sure the social services will make once the baby arrives. At that point they may choose to involve OP. Her son will probably be 17 by then.

But in the meantime, OP has no rights over this young lady or her decisions. So she needs to sit tight

Look pls calm down your in shock. It's out of your hands but once it's calmed down can you speak to the parents, explain your concerns, explain your worries and offer emotional support, play the long game, things can change on a sixpence. They are both fools, at this moment support your son make him face the realities, he is unlikely to get a job anytime soon, he will have to pay some of this wage when he does to support the baby, that cannot live with you ect

Some of the comment here verge on the ridiculous.

'Having access to the girls medical records?'

What you really mean is should the parent of the boy who is the father should or should not know if she is about to be a grandmother.

And the answer is Yes, because he has learning difficulties and the child, if it's born, may be looked after some of the time by the OP if he shares the care.
So of course she needs to know what's coming.

OP ignore all the posters having a go at you.

Both sets of parents - you and the girls- need to talk.
Your son and her are still children. They are not legally adults.
It would be very hard indeed for him to 'father' a child, when he is a child himself.

The odds of them staying together for life are very low indeed.
Your son needs to start understanding that whatever he feels now is likely to change.

I used to work with teenagers with learning difficulties. Some girls did get pregnant on purpose and wanted a child to 'love them' . They totally misunderstood the lifelong responsibility.

I hope you can talk some sense of reality into him and they might decide that a termination is something to consider.

@Meltinthemiddle

Parents are wealthy and don't have room for baby from what I can tell. I will support them. But I'm deeply concerned about their ability to understand the situation. She's madly in love with him and thinks she's found the one. I hope it is the making of them and he stands up I really do. But it will take alot of support from both sides. I'm just not prepared for it. My sons put me through hell the last 6mths. I want him to live a happy and fulfilled life and not be a burden to society. Instead of just supporting him we wilk have 3 of them to support of she decides to keep the baby.

No no no. You won’t have the 3 of them to support. Support your ds. Support him being a father. The gf is her parents’ responsibility.

Don’t take on the responsibility for everything. Being a parent is THEIR responsibility. Yours is to be a parent to your ds.

"Even if you agree to the abortion or it’s been done "

While a compliment your caring there is no way [if you are in UK] to consent. If gf is Gillick competent it is her decision alone

@LeilaLiesLow 👏👏👏

"a" = "I"

@Meltinthemiddle

We are 5 years on from virtually the same situation with our 16 year old DS, he has different issues to your DS and the girl was older. We were shocked and upset and it’s not been ideal but it hasn’t been the end of the world either. PM me if you want to “talk”.