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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

I'm a shit mum apparently...and weird.

136 replies

malificent7 · 20/04/2021 06:51

Dd 12 , who has been caught with bottles of booze in her room, recently spend 80 on my amazon account...she says it was a mistake and she thought her card was linked to it.
I confronted her. Cue usual steaming row.
When she goes out with her mates she often dosnt keep in touch. I've had to contact her friends ot their parents to see if shes ok.
Apparently this is not on. Recently she went to a sleepover. 11 o clock the next day id not heard so i texted the mum who was hosting to see if she was ok ....i got no reply from the mum which was very annoying. I then texted her other friends mum and was reassured.
Apparently dd says this is weird and i should back off...she also said " do you have mental health problems or something?" Yes i do dd...thanks to you.
Punishments dont work.
Apparently its also my fault that her sad left me.

OP posts:
Original poster
malificent7 · 20/04/2021 06:51

She is paying me bk...

OP posts:
gamerchick · 20/04/2021 06:57

How? When I buy alcohol from Amazon I have to show ID to the driver. Even though I'm obviously old enough they even ID my 58 yr old husband.

Bananalanacake · 20/04/2021 06:57

Are you in contact with her dad, could she stay with him for a week every other week. Sorry if he is abusive and this is not possible.

iamthesandstorm · 20/04/2021 07:00

Where is she getting money from? change your amazon password. what punishment haven't worked?
what time was she due back from the sleepover..was she late?

iamthesandstorm · 20/04/2021 07:01

@gamerchick

How? When I buy alcohol from Amazon I have to show ID to the driver. Even though I'm obviously old enough they even ID my 58 yr old husband.
I read it as two separate issues
Hughbert · 20/04/2021 07:01

I am on the strict side of parenting, which isn't for everyone. If I were in this situation I would be making life very boring for her right now. Change your Amazon password for a start. No sleepovers, limited wifi, no going out after school if she is going to behave like a 4 year old, treat her like one until she can be trusted. If she was 15 it would be different, but she is still young and her boundary pushing is getting her into trouble, so tighten the boundaries, hold firm and grey rock so you don't get drawn into the inevitable tantrums. "I know it seems unfair, dd, but it is my job to keep you safe and until you can be trusted, I must do what I need to do" on repeat. And same with toddlers, short timescales, lots of rewards (not always physical) and clear expectations.

Original poster
malificent7 · 20/04/2021 07:03

Ni...she didnt getvthe booze from amazon...from my kitchen. She got clothes etc

OP posts:
Original poster
malificent7 · 20/04/2021 07:04

Sorry for typos...im a mess atm

OP posts:
Frenchfancy · 20/04/2021 07:05

She's 12!! Change your Amazon password, cancel or remove her bank card, and stop allowing sleepovers.

If you don't sort this out now you are going to have serious problems by the time she is 14-15.

iamthesandstorm · 20/04/2021 07:06

Actually you need to send the clothes back. that's unacceptable. remove booze from the house

Original poster
malificent7 · 20/04/2021 07:08

Password changed. Booze hidden. Ive been very busy doing my dissertation so she has taken advantage of that.

OP posts:
vestastilly · 20/04/2021 07:09

12 is far too young to be interested in alcohol. How old are her friends ? I would sit down with her when she is calm ( with your partner if you have one) tell her you love her and that this is an open and honest conversation about how everyone is feeling. Tell her how worried you are about her and your worries and then really listen to her replies. Be open and honest but give her chance to speak. Then agree a plan that suits everyone - she will pay back the money she spent on Amazon, you will password protect your Amazon account so mistakes don’t happen again. There will be an agreed pick up time for overnight stays and she will allow you to track her phone ( I have given my DD 13 an Apple Watch as it has added security features). You will have a password so that if she calls you she can always get collected immediately- in our house the password is - I think I’ve left my straighteners on. Try and balance the freedoms with security. Be more interested in your daughters life I have also found helps, allowing her to talk about what’s happening for her without the risk of being told off I have found opens up lots of conversations and allows you to gently guide early on before things become a big issue. I would also have a chat with school (without involving your DD) just to ask them to keep an eye on her and perhaps offer her space at school to talk as well. Hope this helps.

ToastieSnowy · 20/04/2021 07:09

Don’t keep a stash of alcohol so your 12 year old can’t pinch it. If you really want some then buy what you need for that night.

Original poster
malificent7 · 20/04/2021 07:12

Had a chat with school. Shes seeing a councelor. Her beloved granddad has prostate cancer but very early stages and won't kill him. She uses that as an excuse. To be fair she hadn't drunk any of the alchohol.
It's her best friend's bday sleepover this weekend...i cant ban that...she will be distraught and

OP posts:
Original poster
malificent7 · 20/04/2021 07:13

Christmas alchohol is in hiding

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Hughbert · 20/04/2021 07:14

I'd have said she should have thought about that (the sleepover) before stealing alcohol and your £80.

throwaway201809 · 20/04/2021 07:16

Do you have any support OP? It must be hard with a 12 year old who is being difficult and going through uni!

She probably would be temporarily upset at not being allowed to the sleepover. But without proper consequences she's going to be even more of a handful as she goes into her teens

Bagelsandbrie · 20/04/2021 07:16

Well she can’t be trusted to be out of she can’t keep in touch. Full stop. So she has to start small again by being home ridiculously early and letting you know where she is / if she’s ok when you text etc or she doesn’t get to go out at all.

It sounds like she has too much pocket money / access to money if she’s got £80 to spend on Amazon and then claim she thought it was linked to her card...

Oneeyeopen · 20/04/2021 07:17

First of all it takes two people to argue.
And when you do argue back your discipline is less effective.
With a 12 year old you need to be a cool, calm voice of authority. If your dd calls you names calmly tell her not to be disrespectful.
Keep your voice low and never shout.
Only ever discuss the relevant issue.

Obviously it's easier said than done but if dd is like this at 12 then you have a few difficult years ahead. Your dd needs to know that arguing and name calling will not further her cause.

The good news is that it's not uncommon behaviour and most teens become lovely adults.
My niece who was a nightmare is testament to this.

Poorlykitten · 20/04/2021 07:18

Why is she allowed to go out/to sleepovers etc without letting you know where she is and what’s going on. That would be a huge no-no for me. If she doesn’t keep in contact then I wouldn’t let it happen. Especially at 12. You are the parent, set some boundaries.

Original poster
malificent7 · 20/04/2021 07:19

Tbh she was difficult at 7!

OP posts:
Original poster
malificent7 · 20/04/2021 07:21

She's not allowed...thats the problem. Yes shes allowed to go to sleepovers and go out but i do ask her to keep in touch. The sleepover was at a best friends house....she just runs out of charge etc( we gave her a portable charger).

OP posts:
iamthesandstorm · 20/04/2021 07:22

Oh dear OP..she is walking all over you. she had stolen from you, is rude and disrespectful. .and you are letting her go to the next sleepover. .her actions don't have consequences.
you neec to sit her down and calmly explain the consequences her actions will bring.and follow through

beginningoftheend · 20/04/2021 07:22

You are too soft.

Your 12 year old child is:
Lying
Stealing (by buying with your money)
Staying out late, uncontactable
Drinking? Hiding alcohol anyway

They are in danger of going spectacularly off the rails.

I think you need to focus on your daughter. I would let her go to that sleepover with some very strict rules on contact and return time and explain if she misses them she is grounded for a considerable time. And mean it.

You really do need to get a grip. She has far too much freedom and money by the sound of it.

sandgrown · 20/04/2021 07:23

Not able to offer much advice but you have my support . My 18 year old son had an absolute meltdown yesterday and called me some horrible things. Everything is my fault . It’s exhausting and you start to doubt yourself . In his defence he is waiting for assessment for adult ADHD . Definitely make sure she cannot access your accounts and hide any booze. Is her dad on the scene ? Could he help? Any GPs or other relatives? We left my son’s dad last year because he attacked him and I think the situation has badly affected DS . I was at the end of my tether yesterday and actually told DS to go and live with his dad. Your daughter is only 12 so you have a way to go but hopefully you will get through this awful teen/pre teen stage and in a few years she will be lovely again . Hang on in there and remember it’s not your fault x

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