I'm a shit mum apparently...and weird.

[malificent7]

Dd 12 , who has been caught with bottles of booze in her room, recently spend 80 on my amazon account...she says it was a mistake and she thought her card was linked to it.
I confronted her. Cue usual steaming row.
When she goes out with her mates she often dosnt keep in touch. I've had to contact her friends ot their parents to see if shes ok.
Apparently this is not on. Recently she went to a sleepover. 11 o clock the next day id not heard so i texted the mum who was hosting to see if she was ok ....i got no reply from the mum which was very annoying. I then texted her other friends mum and was reassured.
Apparently dd says this is weird and i should back off...she also said " do you have mental health problems or something?" Yes i do dd...thanks to you.
Punishments dont work.
Apparently its also my fault that her sad left me.

Overwhelming advice on this thread to employ boundaries and stricter parenting. Hope you will listen OP. At 12 there is still time for a turnaround.

You've had a bit of a hard time on here, OP, and it comes across very clearly how much you are struggling. Hope you're doing OK today.

I agree with the overwhelming consensus on here that the best thing for both you and your daughter would be for you to put more boundaries in place and be tougher. And that's hard. I'd find it really hard to cancel a best friend's birthday sleepover for one of my teens, but in this case I think it's the right thing to do. Or if that feels like too much at the moment, you need to put strong boundaries in place around it (she calls you/comes home at 10am the next day at the latest), and stick to whatever you say you'll do if she doesn't do it.

I read/saw something about parenting teens recently which talks about the importance of being a 'steady presence', and that's an idea that I found really helpful and am trying (with mixed results!) to put into practice. It's really hard not to get sucked in to a teen's anger/drama and respond in kind, but I think it is really helpful if you can. Even sometimes.

The other thing that really stands out in your posts is how much it seems to be just the two of you in a battle of wills. Do you have any outside support? Does she? It might be really helpful for you to offload a bit to a sympathetic ally if you can.

Plenty of time to nip things in the bud and turn this round, she's 12, perfect age for testing boundaries. Lay down the rules and don't take the hurtful comments either. I would say also try and do things together too, keep the bond strong. My DD won't do much with me but I make the effort to keep offering my time. They want attention still, even if they don't admit it.

I have to hide all alcohol from my DC. DS 15, DD 13

I found a beer can in DD room when she was 12

DS was secretly drinking whisky and gin and took beer and wine.

I now hardly drink at home ever because of this but now have a box of wine in the bedroom as it lasts for weeks for my 'emergencies'

I can track my DC via find my phone.

DD has allowed this and I'm not sure if DS knows or not.

Also my DD as lovely as she is can be an absolute nightmare at times especially since starting her period. She's just come out of the crying for no reason stage and into the angrier side of emotions.

I tend to be in the roll my eyeballs camp and telling her I'm not happy with her attitude.

She's 12 ..go in hard now , let her know your rules or pay the consequences in a few years when she's a bit older and harder to handle .. she sounds very manipulative already ..glad I had boys although their bring a whole different kind of worry

As a parent of a 12 year old and a teacher I am quite shocked at this. I am a very laid back parent and was a little shit myself too.

She needs to have more rules.
When my DD goes out with friends she has to keep in contact - else she doesn’t go out.
My DD has spent money on her PlayStation which was connected to my account and so I took it off her and made her do chores to “pay” the money back.

Her behaviour would worry me. The alcohol and not wanting you to know where she is would be a red flag for me.
Are you sure she’s not hanging around with people older than her? Do you know for definite she is sleeping at this friends and not at a mans?

Also 12 is a difficult age for attitude as they are full of hormones and struggle to deal with their emotions.
Don’t take anything she says too personally.

You need to parent and blaming your daughter for your mental health (whether that's a real issue or was a cheap shot) is, way out of line.

Sounds like she's resentful about her dad leaving - has she had any counselling for this? Would it be available?

She's 12. Why is she allowed out? Why is she not being punished. She's walking all over you. If she's like this at 12, what is she going to be like at 15. If she is out she needs life 360 on all the time, no life 360, no out. You are the mother, you tell her what she is or isn't allowed to do

By the way, you don't ask a 12 year old to keep in touch, you TELL them to keep in touch. If they don't keep in touch you TELL them you'll be coming to where they are to collect them and you carry through that threat. You TELL them they're not trustworthy enough to be given independence and that they've proved it to you and that if they're going to act like a child you'll treat them like one.

12! Blimey

I remember 12 being a difficult shitty age but I didn't steal from my parents EVER and I would never have gone out and not stayed in touch. Not just because they'd kill me but it's a respect thing.

I mean I'm a different generation and the internet and phones are even more prominent than it was when I was 12 (I'm 29) but that just seems crazy to me.

I think you need to come down hard in terms of the freedoms and "things" you provide her with whilst also making sure she knows you love her and are there is she needs to talk about anything.

I'm sorry but for me, stealing is just unacceptable ever and lying is even worse. She really needs to think about what kind of person she wants to be because atm she sounds like a shit person.

If she was my daughter I'd be taking her phone away, taking any luxuries away and telling her that unless she finds a way to START redeeming herself I won't be allowing her to go to her friends birthday. Obviously this isn't something you want to do, but stealing and lying are so so wrong you can't just let that slide. That would make you a bad mum. Tell her THAT and also tell her she doesn't know what it's like to be a mum so she can't judge, but you know what it's like to be a daughter and her behaviour is letting you down big style! And I would tell her this whilst having a calm conversation not a shouting match. If she starts shouting end the conversation and pick it back up when she's calmed down, don't start yelling back it's beneath you. She's a teen your an adult, set an example of how you want her to behave.

Have you thought about getting support to help you all deal with the issues that you have. Possibly though your GP or from social care as family support. There are lots of red flags in your daughters behaviour and it may be that your mental health issues mean that you don’t feel strong enough to tackle these on your own. Please reach out and ask for support if you need it.
@rainbowthoughts people who are experience stress or trauma can have difficulties with spelling and grammar even if they are usually very good at it. I am a professional with a masters degree and 2 ordinary degrees and my spelling and grammar is terrible. Quite what it has to do with this persons issues anyway is beyond me?

@vestastilly

It was because I thought it was a reverse. I acknowledged I was a tit yesterday, so maybe just let things move on?

Parent your child. It's hard but it's up to you

I started drinking at 12. It was because I was being sexually abused and didn't know how to deal with it.

How well do you know her friends? If she's going out by herself for hours, she is at risk of exploitation. Does your partner live with the pair of you?

[quote rainbowthoughts]@vestastilly

It was because I thought it was a reverse. I acknowledged I was a tit yesterday, so maybe just let things move on?[/quote]
I think this is a bit rich given how persistent and rude you were to the op!

No way is camping legal unless they’re all in separate tents and only going in to use the loo, which of course they’re not - what fun is that?
You can certainly use that as a reason for her not go to go, I’d let her stay until 10 and pick her up which is a decent compromise as it’s her best friend.
As for the other stuff - you’ve changed password, you’ve confiscated the booze and locked your other alcohol away, she’s paying you back the £80 and you’re sending the clothes back, right?
Other things I would do - put Find my phone or Life 360 in hers, tell her you’ll be checking her phone periodically (as she’s 12 you are def within your rights to do this). She’ll have to show she can be trusted before you let her off the leash again. I have older teens and while they’re not perfect, they certainly have never stolen from me - which I think is the worst offence of your DD.

Just to add - my niece went off the rails a bit at 13 - drinking and smoking dope (and getting caught by police). She’s 19 now and not doing much with her life as was more interested in partying than doing any work for GCSEs (she passed, just), and did a college course that’s lead nowhere fast. I think one thing just spiralled into the next (lovely girl, but just took wrong path early in IMO).

I think this is a bit rich given how persistent and rude you were to the op!

Do you? That's great. Thanks.

My 2 DD's aged 14&15 don't behave like your DD.

Your DD is entitled,rude,disrespectful,a liar and a thief.

I wouldn't be tolerating this behaviour.I'm sorry OP but your DD needs to learn boundaries and that there are consequences for her actions.

OP your daughter is a spoiled brat and you are enabling this behaviour through the fact she has no discipline.

She is 12. She is a child and you are the adult.

If you don’t deal with this now she’ll be out of control by the age of 14 and pregnant and possibly on drugs by the age of 16, and you’ll be powerless to do anything about it because she has absolutely no respect for you.

I think most of us parents of teens have been there at some point. Maybe not to this degree, but giving in to something for a quiet life. Problem is the consequences for us then make us wonder what the hell we were thinking, and you will be there soon if you’re not careful.

You need to come down hard. No social media (she’s twelve, she’s not supposed to be on there anyway), no data on her phone, she can call and text only, and for every day she refuses to do so she loses another week of data.

WIFI for school work only.

Cancel the sleepover, and if not cancelling then you drop off and collect.

No pocket money until it at the very least has repaid the £80 she stole, so e.g. you don’t give her any pocket money to the tune of £80 and after that she can earn it through doing chores.

Every time she doesn’t tell you where she is she is grounded. Phone removed altogether if necessary.

My DS is 18 and he still has to check in. Not that I question so much as where he is but we both live in this house and as such there needs to be consideration for one another. And I do the same so it’s a two way street.

I’d be lying if I said that I’d never made mistakes as a parent. We all have, and there is so much emphasis on parenting toddlers that people seem to lose sight of the fact that parenting teenagers is harder. You still have the tantrums, but now they have the vocabulary to answer back, and the intelligence to think they know it all.

But if you don’t take control now then you are going to be the one paying the price later.

It does sound like your DD OP is going to be a bit of a handful over the next few years and short of handcuffing her to her bedpost you are going to have to find ways to deal with her wilful behaviour because she's a girl that wants to be out in the world where all the exciting, in her eyes, action is.

You need to plan some strategies to help you navigate and control her behaviour as best you can to see her safe.

Dont sweat the small stuff in her case and concentrate of the bigger more dangerous scenarios she is bound to get caught up in.