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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

I'm a shit mum apparently...and weird.

136 replies

malificent7 · 20/04/2021 06:51

Dd 12 , who has been caught with bottles of booze in her room, recently spend 80 on my amazon account...she says it was a mistake and she thought her card was linked to it.
I confronted her. Cue usual steaming row.
When she goes out with her mates she often dosnt keep in touch. I've had to contact her friends ot their parents to see if shes ok.
Apparently this is not on. Recently she went to a sleepover. 11 o clock the next day id not heard so i texted the mum who was hosting to see if she was ok ....i got no reply from the mum which was very annoying. I then texted her other friends mum and was reassured.
Apparently dd says this is weird and i should back off...she also said " do you have mental health problems or something?" Yes i do dd...thanks to you.
Punishments dont work.
Apparently its also my fault that her sad left me.

OP posts:
Original poster
malificent7 · 20/04/2021 08:07

The sleepover is camping in the garden so technically legal...besides the point

OP posts:
BigSandyBalls2015 · 20/04/2021 08:07

12 is very young for this sort of behaviour. More like 15/16. You do really need to clamp down on it!

Lorw · 20/04/2021 08:07

If you don’t sort this now it will get way worse. My sister was like this and got away with everything and now has an alcohol and prescription drug addiction and basically is just a massive PITA and thinks the world somehow owes her something and she treats people terribly.

Take phone, change WiFi password, no sleepovers, no going out until she can be trusted(she can earn the trust back) you need to stand tough and not give in no matter how much she screams, shouts and says horrible things. I would make her pay the £80 back, if you haven’t returned the clothes by doing chores or via pocket money and stop condoning that behaviour.

bunburyscucumbersandwich · 20/04/2021 08:09

@malificent7

Had a chat with school. Shes seeing a councelor. Her beloved granddad has prostate cancer but very early stages and won't kill him. She uses that as an excuse. To be fair she hadn't drunk any of the alchohol. It's her best friend's bday sleepover this weekend...i cant ban that...she will be distraught and
Well you can ban that as a punishment! You're the parent! That's why she's misbehaving as she knows that you're not actually punishing her.

Also, if you're in the UK, then she shouldn't be going to a sleep over at the moment anyway due to restrictions, so there's another reason for her not to go.

dancinfeet · 20/04/2021 08:11

Change wifi password, send the clothes back. If they have been worn, send them to charity shop- she needs to learn that she doesn't get to keep items she stole from you. At 12 I would be replacing her phone with a brick phone for communication with you only. The rude backchat needs sorting out, or she will be a nightmare by the time she is 15.

Bagelsandbrie · 20/04/2021 08:11

She can’t go to any sleepovers if she’s behaving like this. So she’ll be distraught - that’s kind of the point of a punishment!

peboh · 20/04/2021 08:14

She's walking all over you, and you're just letting her. Don't let her go to the sleepover, why should she? Discipline is so important, especially at her age now. Discipline her, make her realise there are consequences for poor behaviours. Change Amazon passwords, take the WiFi away, take her bank card away so she can't be buying stuff. Remove alcohol from your house.

FelicityPike · 20/04/2021 08:22

@malificent7 It's her best friend's bday sleepover this weekend...i cant ban that...she will be distraught.
And you’re NOT distraught at her behaviour? Stealing, lying, (technically) going missing at TWELVE!! I wouldn’t be letting her go and I’d be telling birthday girl’s mum why too.

denverRegina · 20/04/2021 08:23

She's 12, that's a little girl. You're supposed to be treating her like one.

Stop calling her a teenager for a start, she's not. Why does she have access to £80? Why is she allowed to go for sleepovers?

Her behaviour doesn't warrant any freedom at the moment so ground her.

Original poster
malificent7 · 20/04/2021 08:24

I know your right...good job i asked for a dissertation extension

OP posts:
ineedaholidaynow · 20/04/2021 08:25

How are they having sleepovers?

orangejuicer · 20/04/2021 08:26

rainbow the dad presumably?

Is there a chance this thread isn't genuine?

WeAllHaveWings · 20/04/2021 08:26

Why was the Amazon account thing a confrontation and huge steaming row? A calm enquiry, get your money back and a warning if it happens again the privilege of being able to order from Amazon will be removed. If it has happened before she is not mature enough to be dealing with online orders so remove it.

Nip in the bud now her talking to you disrespectfully. Zero tolerance.

Punishments by removal of privilages - phone/going out/money etc do work. Remove them, stick to it and don't discuss. She will try to convince you they don't and she doesn't care, but she does.

She is screaming out for firm boundaries appropriate for a 12 year old.

AllThatFancyPaintsAsFair · 20/04/2021 08:29

@malificent7

The sleepover is camping in the garden so technically legal...besides the point
Actually it wouldn't be beside the point as you would have no moral authority if you were allowing one banned thing while trying to stop another. How would you have justified that?

Of course it's hard to enforce discipline when you're on your own but in this case it sounds like a battle worth fighting.it would be doing her no favours to allow her to carry on like this.

MikeWozniaksGloriousTache · 20/04/2021 08:33

You’re allowing this 12 year old to boss you around and you’re making excuses for it. “She’ll be distraught” pity for her. That’s the POINT of a punishment! She’s broken rules and there are consequences for that. You’re setting very normal rules for sleepovers in asking her to check and she is deliberately disobeying that and there are ZERO consequences for this. What punishments are you actually giving her as allowing her to go to all these sleepovers even though she isn’t following your rules isn’t punishment in my eyes, she’s getting exactly what she wants. Are you actually giving her punishments? Or do you give them then lift them for an easy life when she starts screaming and shouting? Be firm or this will get worse!

ineedaholidaynow · 20/04/2021 08:34

So are they all sleeping in separate tents, not going in the house at all (apart from the loo).

rainbowthoughts · 20/04/2021 08:42

@orangejuicer

rainbow the dad presumably?

Is there a chance this thread isn't genuine?

Oh, right. I missed that about the Dad. So random to mention not seeing him without saying who he is!

OP may I suggest you explore punctuation before submitting your dissertation. The...won't get you...far...in fact...it may be a...fail

CovidSmart · 20/04/2021 08:50

I would cancel all sleepover for a while and the reinstate them with clear rules
Eg you are picking her up at her friend at such time. (NOT her coming back home on her own when she wants)

You need to make it clear that whatever happens is a natural consequence of her actions. If you can’t trust her to be stay in touch/be back home at a certain time then you have to come and pick her up.

FWIW atm you are lucky that you know the tel number if the parents. I suspect quite soon. They will be friends you dint know about and you won’t have a tel and someone to contact. What will you do then?

Poorlykitten · 20/04/2021 08:52

I don’t want to detail the thread but is sleeping in a tent ‘technically legal?’ If it’s with other people not in your family group, or have I missed something?

Greenmarmalade · 20/04/2021 08:53

I can definitely empathise with you! No answers yet, I’m afraid...

PricklesAndSpikes · 20/04/2021 08:58

@malificent7

The sleepover is camping in the garden so technically legal...besides the point
So you are in the UK? But what about the previous sleepovers? The one where you couldn't contact her? Why are you allowing her to do something against the rules?

Your child is more important than your dissertation at the moment. I have a 12 year old daughter and there is no way I would allow her the freedom to act and speak like you are allowing yours to. They are still children! As others have said, it's time to sit her down and get serious. Amazon password gets changed, you take away her bank card. No more going out at night with friends. If she refuses you take away her phone apart from when she goes to school. When she starts behaving properly you can start giving her a small amount of freedom. If she isn't contactable (for any reason at any time) as agreed then you go back to square one. If you don't sort this now, you are going to be in for a rough ride in the next few years.

Spring2021 · 20/04/2021 09:19

Your DD has been behaving more like a 15-17 year old than a 12 year old and its too much responsibility unless you want her going off the rails.

I would make her pay for the clothes without question, give her a good talking to if she really bucks her ideas up I would let her go on the sleepover (so as not to punish her friend too) but if not I wouldn’t.

When our two have had sleepovers at that age. Not sure about sleepovers at the moment but I know some people are following advice less loosely. Sleepovers at age 11/12 were usually with people we knew and I would check the arrangements with the parent hosting and agree with DD you would pick her up at 11 or 12 the next day or whatever.

I think you were a bit but OTT phoning round at 11 and she would have found that embarrassing. Hence why you make arrangements about any expected communication and pick up times with your daughter in advance and you both stick to this.

PS you are not the worst mum in the world we all get that its part of the joys of parenting. My 16 year old DD who is awkward and pushing boundaries called me a cow in a dopey bad temper this morning whilst I was giving her a lift to school. I stopped the car and made her get out of the car and walk. Its not something I was going to tolerate.

fairislecable · 20/04/2021 09:20

My DD was just like this always pushing against any restrictions, it made life hard but as there were 3 others to consider I could not let anything go.

Ask your daughter if her current behaviour warrants the sleepover with friends treat, discuss with her but be very firm. Her response to you will show if this should go ahead.

She must be in contact with you, insist on this, if phone is dead tell her you are going to collect her at ANY point and from wherever she is. I did this publicly in front of friends it worked very well.

My DD has turned out very well (many years later) but I laughed aloud when she was discussing an old school friend recently, and said it had been difficult that friend’s parents had not put up any boundaries.

bunburyscucumbersandwich · 20/04/2021 09:22

I'm thinking now that this is a reverse...

sashh · 20/04/2021 09:26

Don't let her leave the house without a fully charged phone. If she hasn't time then swap with a fully charged cheap phone that only has calls and texts.

Ban the sleep overs, maybe in a few weeks allow her to invite friends to yours for a sleep over.

I'd guess the alcohol was for this weekend's sleep over, which means someone else might be taking some. I'd probably contact the 'hosting' parent.

Having said all that I personally think all tweens/teens should have a 'get out of jail free' card to be used if they are out of their depth / drunk / need to be home. This means you collect her with no questions, no telling off, nothing until the following day when you can talk about it calmly.