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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

I'm a shit mum apparently...and weird.

136 replies

malificent7 · 20/04/2021 06:51

Dd 12 , who has been caught with bottles of booze in her room, recently spend 80 on my amazon account...she says it was a mistake and she thought her card was linked to it.
I confronted her. Cue usual steaming row.
When she goes out with her mates she often dosnt keep in touch. I've had to contact her friends ot their parents to see if shes ok.
Apparently this is not on. Recently she went to a sleepover. 11 o clock the next day id not heard so i texted the mum who was hosting to see if she was ok ....i got no reply from the mum which was very annoying. I then texted her other friends mum and was reassured.
Apparently dd says this is weird and i should back off...she also said " do you have mental health problems or something?" Yes i do dd...thanks to you.
Punishments dont work.
Apparently its also my fault that her sad left me.

OP posts:
iamthesandstorm · 20/04/2021 07:23

ran out of charge? that old chestnut.

FrozenVag · 20/04/2021 07:24

@malificent7

Had a chat with school. Shes seeing a councelor. Her beloved granddad has prostate cancer but very early stages and won't kill him. She uses that as an excuse. To be fair she hadn't drunk any of the alchohol. It's her best friend's bday sleepover this weekend...i cant ban that...she will be distraught and
Actually I would be banning that

Her behaviour is disgraceful

My sister was like this growing yo and my parents didn’t sit on it like they should have done

She’s now 43 and still a total cunt, all but nicking cash from my mum still.

orangejuicer · 20/04/2021 07:24

When have sleepovers been allowed under Covid restrictions? Just curious.

12 is way too young for the level of freedom you have given her, IMO.

Poorlykitten · 20/04/2021 07:26

I wouldn’t let her go to the birthday sleepover. No way. It’s not allowed anyway is it?

Saltyslug · 20/04/2021 07:29

Knock sleep overs on the head if she can’t be trusted

Magnificentmug12 · 20/04/2021 07:30

Well the obvious solution is she checks in or answers texts, that way you wouldn’t need to contact other parents!

She’s 12, not 16! If she wants to act grown up that’s fine but she also needs to take on the responsibility that comes with that, and that’s checking in to you so you know she is safe

Magnificentmug12 · 20/04/2021 07:32

And drinking is not acceptable at 12!

Whoarethewho · 20/04/2021 07:32

@orangejuicer

When have sleepovers been allowed under Covid restrictions? Just curious.

12 is way too young for the level of freedom you have given her, IMO.

I am assuming this is not in the UK or this poster is breaking the law. Which makes it very difficult to set boundaries if even that is able to be ignored.
Remaker · 20/04/2021 07:33

I have a 14, almost 15 year old. When she was 12 she was dishonest with me about a couple of things to do with sleepovers. So I stopped her going to any for the better part of a year apart from one where the mum is super super strict and wouldn’t let them have phones and kept a close eye on them.

She was very upset, there were lots of tears but I stuck to my guns. She’d lost my trust and couldn’t be socialising alone until I was confident in her again. Now she understands that I mean what I say and I will stop her going out if I can’t trust her. I give her a lot of independence but we have the Life360 app so I can see where she is and when she goes out we agree on what time she will be home. She says we are strict but she has friends who aren’t allowed to go to sleepovers at all so I know we are probably somewhere in the middle. And we have a good relationship overall, she has some nice friends and is making good choices.

Your DC is way way beyond what I would allow at 12. My advice would be to rein her right back in because she is going to get out of control quickly if you don’t. And shut down the talk of you being weird and asking about your MH. That’s a completely disrespectful and unacceptable way for a 12 yr old to be speaking to her parent. She’s a child!

I think you need to regain the confidence in yourself as a parent. You know what’s best for her. Your job is not to keep her happy it’s to keep her safe. Good luck!

ImNotThatPathetic · 20/04/2021 07:36

@Hughbert

I am on the strict side of parenting, which isn't for everyone. If I were in this situation I would be making life very boring for her right now. Change your Amazon password for a start. No sleepovers, limited wifi, no going out after school if she is going to behave like a 4 year old, treat her like one until she can be trusted. If she was 15 it would be different, but she is still young and her boundary pushing is getting her into trouble, so tighten the boundaries, hold firm and grey rock so you don't get drawn into the inevitable tantrums. "I know it seems unfair, dd, but it is my job to keep you safe and until you can be trusted, I must do what I need to do" on repeat. And same with toddlers, short timescales, lots of rewards (not always physical) and clear expectations.
Exactly this.

She is not an independent young woman. She is a child. And plenty young enough for you to have control if you would just take it.

In my house the sleepover would be an obvious no as a result of her actions. Birthday or not! Her Finances would be stopped, passwords changed and while I don't think grown adults should not be able to keep booze in their own home, she has shown that she's willing and has the brass balls to nick it it's probably best to remove temptation.

If my kid did this, even at 14, ALL privileges would go bye bye, no discussion.
My kids phone is tracked and ignoring my calls simply results in me setting off a loud alarm remotely thanks to 'find my iPhone'. Any further ignoring would end up with her phone being remotely disabled. A crushing, horrific punishment for a teenager and their precious iPhone.

Not that I need to use that last one. I've had strict boundaries from day one and it's well established that mum doesn't take shit and is just crazy enough to do it.

SeaTurtles92 · 20/04/2021 07:41

She's 12 not 22!

You actually give her a lot of freedom for 12 so if she she wants to lie and be nasty then a 12 year old little girl is exactly what she should be treated like.

So what if she will be distraught at missing a sleepover. Actions have consequences so if she thinks she's an adult consequences is what she will face.

No sleepover. If she can't text you to say she is okay she isn't mature enough to go to a sleepover.

Stop being soft OP. You'll only make it worse for yourself.

rainbowthoughts · 20/04/2021 07:42

It's her best friend's bday sleepover this weekend...i cant ban that...she will be distraught

You are basically green lighting her behaviour. Until you are willing to act, no one can help you.

Rathmobhaile · 20/04/2021 07:42

She may well be distraught over missing a sleepover but that's what punishment brings her. Its a consequence of her own actions. I doubt very much she runs out of battery charge on her phone. If she's anything like most kids that age she doesn't let that happen.
So you would prefer to give your 12 year old who has hidden booze and stolen money from you, doesn't follow rules, is rude to you and makes insulting comments a punishment that is less upsetting for her?

There is your problem right there - she can do what she wants and you are afraid of upsetting her.

Be firm, set boundaries calmly and stick to them.

jelly79 · 20/04/2021 07:45

If she can't be responsible and keep in touch or treat you with respect she doesn't go.

Surely her social life shouldn't have to worried and in the firing line for abuse.

She has to show you she is mature enough to do these things and it sounds like she isn't

AvonCallingBarksdale · 20/04/2021 07:45

Why is she going on sleepovers at the moment?? That’s still not allowed under current restrictions unless you’re outside of the UK, in which case I guess it might be different.

AvonCallingBarksdale · 20/04/2021 07:46

At 12 she’s way too much in charge - boundaries needed otherwise the next few years will be very challenging!

pilates · 20/04/2021 07:47

Do you think she’s acting up because her father has left? Does she have a relationship with him?

Original poster
malificent7 · 20/04/2021 07:50

She's never met him....they talk online.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 20/04/2021 07:50

The problem is you arent banning the sleepover - yes she may be distraught but you had boundaries, she crossed them accused you of being weird (you arent) and have no consequences

I am not especially on the strict side of parenting but I entirely agree with

If I were in this situation I would be making life very boring for her right now. Change your Amazon password for a start. No sleepovers, limited wifi, no going out after school if she is going to behave like a 4 year old, treat her like one until she can be trusted.

You gave her chances (DD for example can ordered stuff from her ipad on Amazon because I trust her - the minute she blows that it is gone)

Poorlykitten · 20/04/2021 07:50

Yes, totally agree with posters on here. If not reined in now then it will be much, much worse when she is older. Set firm boundaries now and hopefully you’ll be in for a much less bumpy ride.

Resetting · 20/04/2021 07:51

I agree with a pp, she's walking all over you!

I'd remove her phone and other devices, change the WiFi password, and ground her, for a few weeks at least. She's 12...

MazekeenSmith · 20/04/2021 07:56

Sorry, you have to cancel the sleepover and deal with her being distraught. Otherwise she knows she can walk all over you.

rainbowthoughts · 20/04/2021 07:58

@malificent7

She's never met him....they talk online.

Who?

Longdistance · 20/04/2021 07:59

No phone. She hands it over to you.
She goes to school, comes home from school.
She doesn’t go out and certainly doesn’t go to the birthday sleepover.
She does chores around the house.
The clothes from Amazon go back.

namesnamesnamesnames · 20/04/2021 08:01

I think you have posted before about your daughter haven't you? So the Amazon issue is the latest thing?

If my 12 year old behaved like this I'd be seeking help from school first of all. Do you have a good relationship with them?

I hope you can get help. No 12 year old should act like this. My 12 year old and her friends don't have interest in alcohol, they basically sit in their rooms in the evenings reading/gaming/watching tv/doing homework then go to bed at 9/10. I think that's quite normal, more than acting like a15 year old.

I sense your anguish and really hope you get support soon.