I'm a shit mum apparently...and weird.

[malificent7]

Dd 12 , who has been caught with bottles of booze in her room, recently spend 80 on my amazon account...she says it was a mistake and she thought her card was linked to it.
I confronted her. Cue usual steaming row.
When she goes out with her mates she often dosnt keep in touch. I've had to contact her friends ot their parents to see if shes ok.
Apparently this is not on. Recently she went to a sleepover. 11 o clock the next day id not heard so i texted the mum who was hosting to see if she was ok ....i got no reply from the mum which was very annoying. I then texted her other friends mum and was reassured.
Apparently dd says this is weird and i should back off...she also said " do you have mental health problems or something?" Yes i do dd...thanks to you.
Punishments dont work.
Apparently its also my fault that her sad left me.

I totally agree with posters suggesting you clamp right down now. It will be a hard thing to do, but will be 'the gift that keeps on giving' when she realises you will follow through with consequences. If you never enforce boundaries and rules then she WILL get worse, she won't respect you and soon will be old enough to do what she wants. My mum always advises 'short term pain = long term gain' Good luck!

I also suggest, if she is not answering texts/calls, and you know where she is then go and pick her up. She will soon learn that it is best to answer you or will be collected early and embarrassed in front of her friends!

I know her friends and parents..from toddler group. I know she was there....as i contacted the other friend's mum to confirm.
The amazon thing was apparently a mistake as she could access it from her phone. Locked out now.
My dp and best mate started drinking at 13 and she is nearly 13. I am not freaking out about her drinking as hardly anything was gone and teens experiment.
I am freaking out about the not keeping in touch and lying. I am not going to be like my mum who told me if i smoked weed I would get addicted to heroin and die... she always did catastrophise.
I would like to reinforce the bond I have with dd so will work on this.
House rules are written up on fridge...to make them clear.

Tbh in some ways she is lovely...says please and thank you. But she has always been super willful.

Btw i have had to chuckle about people worrying about my background. I went to private school and got a 2 :1 in English lit which I then taught for 10 years!

I wanted to apologise to you yesterday OP but I didn't want to drag the thread up needlessly.

I was out of line when I posted about your writing and I am really sorry for being such a twat.

I hope you and your DD manage to reach a good line of communication

Hey don't worry about it...it's ok to speculate. I deep down think the reason why I have been so soft is that i got with dp when dd was 7. She hated having to share me and I have felt guilt ever since. Dp is lovely to her but super soft and we introduced him too soon. I feel to blame so I am trying to forge a relationship with dd again which won't be easy.

Yes I think she is trying to get boundaries from you OP, she is pushing back because actually having boundaries in place is a comfort for teenagers and it really helps so you do need to have them in place and consequences if she breaks them.

SHe needs you to parent her, she doesnt need a friend or a parent who feels guilty about introducing someone too early she needs a mother who puts them in place.

The fact that the alcohol was taken and not drunk I think supports this - it wasnt about the drinking it was about getting a reaction from you and the idea that she does have boundaries in place

www.focusonthefamily.ca/content/why-your-teen-needs-boundaries

parents.au.reachout.com/skills-to-build/connecting-and-communicating/things-to-try-building-trust/set-realistic-boundaries-with-your-teenager

www.familylives.org.uk/advice/teenagers/behaviour/setting-boundaries-for-teenagers/

You need to communicate with her your expectations and the consequences of not. And it DOES NOT MATTER if your expectations and boundaries are not the same as her friends and follow through.

There's good advice on here. Best of best of luck OP, none of it is easy

Please take this seriously OP.
You still have time to rein her in.
I drank at 13, as was pretty normal where I lived, in a nice area in a Northern town.
When dd came in smelling of alcohol one day at 14 I turned a blind eye thinking of my youth.
I regretted that a few weeks later when she was brought home by the police drunk out of her skull.
What I didn't realise was how things have changed. Wheras my friends pooled our money for a bottle of cider, got a bit tipsy then sobered up and went home our parents none the wiser, the kids today have much more money and buy vodka and gin!
DD got in with a bad crowd whose parents regularly gave them £20 to bugger off and not bother them. They didn't care what time their kids came home either.
I had months of hell, driving round looking for her when it was past her curfew and the police ringing me regularly as she was classed as vulnerable.
She has more boundaries now at 17 but it took months to get her to accept this after my initial leniency.

"My dp and best mate started drinking at 13 and she is nearly 13. I am not freaking out about her drinking as hardly anything was gone and teens experiment."

I think it's really concerning that you think it's OK for a 12 year old be drinking. She isn't a teen, she is 12. Huge difference between a 12 year old and an 18 year old.

Please take this seriously and parent your DD with more effective boundaries. This has car crash written all over it unless you do something about it.

@Hughbert

I am on the strict side of parenting, which isn't for everyone. If I were in this situation I would be making life very boring for her right now. Change your Amazon password for a start. No sleepovers, limited wifi, no going out after school if she is going to behave like a 4 year old, treat her like one until she can be trusted. If she was 15 it would be different, but she is still young and her boundary pushing is getting her into trouble, so tighten the boundaries, hold firm and grey rock so you don't get drawn into the inevitable tantrums. "I know it seems unfair, dd, but it is my job to keep you safe and until you can be trusted, I must do what I need to do" on repeat. And same with toddlers, short timescales, lots of rewards (not always physical) and clear expectations.

I agree