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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

I'm a shit mum apparently...and weird.

136 replies

malificent7 · 20/04/2021 06:51

Dd 12 , who has been caught with bottles of booze in her room, recently spend 80 on my amazon account...she says it was a mistake and she thought her card was linked to it.
I confronted her. Cue usual steaming row.
When she goes out with her mates she often dosnt keep in touch. I've had to contact her friends ot their parents to see if shes ok.
Apparently this is not on. Recently she went to a sleepover. 11 o clock the next day id not heard so i texted the mum who was hosting to see if she was ok ....i got no reply from the mum which was very annoying. I then texted her other friends mum and was reassured.
Apparently dd says this is weird and i should back off...she also said " do you have mental health problems or something?" Yes i do dd...thanks to you.
Punishments dont work.
Apparently its also my fault that her sad left me.

OP posts:
ChequerBoard · 20/04/2021 09:36

I'd be horrified if my DD acted like this at 12. You need to make dealing with this your absolute number one priority- sod the dissertation, that can be picked up later.

Going off the rails this badly at 12 needs addressing hard and fast. Alcohol at 12 means that she will be heading towards drugs and sex before much longer.

Totally grounding her and taking away electronic devices would be a good start. As would removing any alcohol from the home - hiding it is not a solution. This is going require behaviour changes from both of you.

What are the friends she has like? Honestly I'd be considering whether she needs to move schools (and possibly move area) and start afresh.

You need to address your attitude too. You are far too laid back about this. That she thinks she has any chance of going to another sleepover party after this behaviour is very telling. If you are having shouting matches, that's on you OP, you need to be the adult in this. Calm, open and honest is the way to go. Set out clearly the rules of the house and stick to them. Encourage discussion, she may raise her voice but you never raise yours.

Dohrehmee · 20/04/2021 09:37

Where does she go out? What time does She go out and what time is she back.

Londontown12 · 20/04/2021 09:38

Wow !! She’s 12 !
If my daughter did this she would be permanently grounded til she showed me some respect !
If she was 16-17 I would probably expect some resistance about where she’s at ect ect and not wanting me to text , if u don’t nip this in the bud your daughter is going to get a lot worse .
Big hugs I know kids can be a pain .
I have a Dd 18 and Ds 21
Dd is an absolute delight the last 6 months most difficult age I think was round 15-17 x

Original poster
malificent7 · 20/04/2021 11:18

I promise...no reverse at all....trust someone on mn to pick up on punctuation!

OP posts:
rainbowthoughts · 20/04/2021 11:24

@malificent7

I promise...no reverse at all....trust someone on mn to pick up on punctuation!

I wouldn't normally. In fact I am the first to criticise those who do, mainly because not everyone had the benefit of a reasonable chance in life. You however are talking us you are university educated and are working in your dissertation, so yes, I absolutely will mention the punctuation.

If you want to be taken seriously, and as a reasonably educated person, why would you litter your posts with...It's no wonder someone upthread called this as a reverse.

Original poster
malificent7 · 20/04/2021 11:26

I am soft i know...i am fragile and have mh problems. Dd is a very strong personality and in a tiny hose its awful...i felt like going to check in at a clinic yesterday!

OP posts:
Foobydoo · 20/04/2021 11:50

To be fair a lot of people type differently on a phone and will use a more informal style in a chat forum than they would use in an academic essay.

denverRegina · 20/04/2021 11:54

Why are you letting her go to the sleepover and giving her so much freedom? She's only 12.

Foobydoo · 20/04/2021 11:55

O.P she is 12 and you are giving her the freedom of an older teen. You need to rein her in now or you will have a nightmare when she is 15.
If she is difficult with punishment short, sharp and simple might be better to start.
So have some simple rules e.g if you don't reply to my texts I will confiscate your phone for 1 day.
If you are late home you don't go out tomorrow.
If you are not back from the sleepover at 11am you will not be allowed to attend next time.
Some children find this easier to deal with than long groundings that can get into a negative cycle.

Resetting · 20/04/2021 11:59

"To be fair a lot of people type differently on a phone and will use a more informal style in a chat forum than they would use in an academic essay."

^This. The op isn't posting because she's concerned about her use of punctuation Hmm

Motnight · 20/04/2021 12:01

Op at about your dd's age I cancelled a weekend away wuth friends for both of us. She thought that I wouldn't follow through on my threat - due to appalling behaviour on her part. I did. You really need to set boundaries in place now or as others have said teenage years will be even more of a nightmare.

Oneeyeopen · 20/04/2021 12:04

If your dd's behaviour gets worse then so will your fragility and mh issues.
It's your life.
Only you can stop this behaviour.

Scbchl · 20/04/2021 12:10

Na shes absolutely ripping the piss out you. Would not be entertaining this at 12 years old. Shes a little kid still, you need to nip this in the bud now before she gets any older.

  1. if she won't answer her phone repeatedly when I called then her phone would be confiscated if she doesn't know how to use.

  2. If I found her with alcohol or found out she'd been doing it she'd be grounded for a month

  3. The sleepover thing, I'd want to know she were safely in the house and what time to expect her back the next day and this would be agreed with the other parent also. Only after that time had passed and if she hadn't appeared or answered her phone then she wouldn't be having sleepovers again for awhile. If the other parent wasn't willing to communicate and I wasn't sure they had the same opinions as me regarding drinking etc then she wouldn't be staying.

  4. if she is rude and cheeky to you, ground her and remove devices. Remove pocket money. Anything that makes her take you seriously.

  5. Lying and stealing by using your card, I'd be taking the money straight back off her if she thought it was her card she must have it.

A 12 year old drinking is really bad and her behaviour needs to be sorted out or she's going to cause you hell the older she gets.

RuthW · 20/04/2021 12:13

She's 12! I would be stopping her going out alone now you know alcohol is involved.

rainbowthoughts · 20/04/2021 12:15

To be fair a lot of people type differently on a phone and will use a more informal style in a chat forum than they would use in an academic essay.

The op isn't posting because she's concerned about her use of punctuation

I know this. It was the niggle of a reverse that led me to comment about the punctuation.

Original poster
malificent7 · 20/04/2021 14:52

It was no such thing...it was a cheap way to kick someone when they're down. I have a degree in English btw but i dont write essays on here ...

OP posts:
rainbowthoughts · 20/04/2021 15:04

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

rainbowthoughts · 20/04/2021 15:06

My post, littered with auto correct errors is a great example. I didn't proof read so the errors got through. But deliberately adding...all over...a thread...well it's somewhat not the same as mild errors.

BiBabbles · 20/04/2021 15:21

Are there any adults in her life that she does respect? I think it sounds like it is time to get some on side to discuss these issues and how to manage them better. If she's going to use life circumstances as a reason, then she needs to practice better coping skills.

Yeah, some of the consequences may end up with her being distraught - how do you think she's going to feel if she continues these behaviours when the consequences get worse and out of your hands? I remember when my parents couldn't bring my brother home after he'd been arrested, it'd been decided he'd have to stay overnight and he was begging for them to take him home. It haunted them for ages.

Many kids think their parents are weird and embarrassing and many say nasty things to their parents because they're children, though yours is going way farther than is normal for a 12-year-old. I hope you didn't actually tell your DD that you have a mental illness "thanks to her". Even with her horrible behaviour, that's really not okay for an adult to put on a child.

My mother did the ... thing for her sentences as well when typing emails and things. I'm not sure why, for me it makes it harder to read, but I think it's considered more normal in different online spaces.

Poorlykitten · 20/04/2021 16:17

@rainbowthoughts
‘I understand you don't write essays in here and I understand you wrote differently in here as you would for an essay, but I absolutely do not understand what anyone with a degree in English would write they way you have.’

I mean, to be fair, the grammar used in this paragraph is awful. Bit pot/kettle and totally unnecessary.

rainbowthoughts · 20/04/2021 16:32

@Poorlykitten

Oh yeah, mine is awful. I'm not saying otherwise.

When I initially commented it was a possible reverse in my mind. That's all. I am usually the last person to comment on this. I have said many times on threads that it's wrong to pick at people like that, be sue we don't all have the same opportunities in life and if someone can't type well it is no reason to have a go at them. That really isn't what I was doing though, not initially. I seem to have been dragged into it by responding and making myself look like a tit.

Christmasfairy2020 · 20/04/2021 21:28

When I was 13 I was buying ebay stuff and thought it was linked to my account. I was amazed it came and never took a penny. So I kept ordering. Turned out it was my mums bank card. She thought someone had been stealing from her. I told her and was so upset with myself. Mistakes do happen.

You know she is at her friends. Have a phone tracker - family link is good. Don't tell her it has a tracker on it.

Also when it comes to sleep overs you drop her of and tell her your picking her up at whatever time. Therefore she will be in contact.

Booze. My husband drinks but I don't. I talk about how harmful it is etc just like weed (teems often say weed isn't as bad as alcohol I see them all as bad) but fun if in light doses occasionally when older.

If you come down to hard she will push against you harder. You want an open relationship so she can talk to u

Christmasfairy2020 · 20/04/2021 21:30

Also have the sleepovers at your house then you can keep tabs

Soontobe60 · 20/04/2021 21:33

She is 12, you’re treating her like she’s 16. You need to take charge.

MumofSpud · 20/04/2021 21:37

Not any v good advice but just wanted to say I feel your pain!
I have also been told I am 'weird' as I ask my DD (15) to check in when out (she goes into London with her friends regularly)

Of course they will grow out of all this by the time they are 16.HmmHalo

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