Is it a normal part of being mum to teens to be sad about the child who has "gone"?

[Balaur]

I have a 16 and 13 yo. Of course I can completely rationalise that it's all normal, they pull away from you, don't want to spend time with you and generally seem like a different person from the sweet child they were but fucking hell, I'm finding it hard.

Yes. I love and am fiercely proud of my 20 and 17yos. But I look at photos of them when they were younger and miss their younger selves almost as if they were completely different people I am missing.

Yep - I am so upset at the moment about this 😂😂😂

Totally get this

I have teenagers who talk to me so that hasn't been my experience. Sorry OP.

I like my space so glad when they don't talk too much to me, tbh.

"How awful it was...the way tiny ghosts of your living children haunted your heart; they could never know, and would hate it if they did, how their growing was a constant bereavement."
JK Rowling, The Casual Vacancy

My DC are only 4.5 and 2.5 and I already completely anticipate feeling like this

I feel like this sometimes- missing DS as a 1 year old, and he’s only 4.5! I love him to bits but I miss my chunky baby sometimes. And I’m sure when he’s 8 I’ll miss my chatty happy 4 year old. I’m going to find the teen years hard 😂

I've got a chatty, affectionate teen but every now and then I get a twinge for the baby/toddler/little girl for whom I was the best thing in the world!

@PatchworkElmer

I feel like this sometimes- missing DS as a 1 year old, and he’s only 4.5! I love him to bits but I miss my chunky baby sometimes. And I’m sure when he’s 8 I’ll miss my chatty happy 4 year old. I’m going to find the teen years hard 😂

This!!!!!!

There are things that are great about older children, but smaller children are usually affectionate in a way teens (or adults!) or not. My 8 year old wants to sit on my knee to do his online learning. My teen will barely sit on the same sofa as me! But he has other qualities

My 17 year old is chatty and tells me stuff. But when she's upset she doesn't want a hug from me. She bristles if I try. I know it's part of growing up and she needs to pull away from me and find other sources of support. But I do miss the days when I was all she needed and there was nothing a big hug or an ice cream couldn't put right.

Oh god thank you for the responses. I just wanted to know I wasn't alone with this feeling. Why do teen years (usually) correspond with the hormone-fest of peri-menopause? My teens are both lovely, er.. sometimes, just distant at the moment.

My mum said something similar recently. I have a young baby and she said it brings it right back to her how it was when I was a baby, but it’s like remembering a completely different person who no longer exists. I ended up clutching my baby like a madwoman and crying at the idea that one day he won’t be my tiny little sidekick any more 😭🤣

It's so normal, I used to think it was just me but many friends say the same. Your relationship with them changes as they go through the phases, and you quietly adjust.

I'm even further down the road now so I have a little salve to my wounds in the shape of two grandkids courtesy of DD.

My 2 year old granddaughter is the living image of DD at the same age so it's like reliving the past in a nice way as I have none of the pressures that come with proper parenting, it's how we get rewarded if we're lucky

My sons are now 39 & 42.

I often wish I could have one more day with them when they were say 7 & 10

I feel like this 100%. Sometimes I miss them so much (now that they are teenagers).

I don’t miss baby days but they’re 13 and 9 and these are the ages I’m loving. I’d happily stay like this. I’ll miss it but hopefully will have other things to fill my time.

Feeling sad reading this. I love my teens who are pretty good company when they want to be. But I really miss the 5 to 10 years in particular - both still really cuddly, always knew where they were, days out together and family was still the centre of their lives. Would never tell them this though - like that J K Rowling quote.

Yep my dd is 15yo and I miss my little girl so much 😢 she's found the teen years hard so far and I think that's made the nostalgia more bittersweet.

I’m going to go against the grain and say I prefer teenage dd1! At 16 she’s good company and a pretty nice teenager. Still wants and hug and will cuddle up on the side to watch a movie. She was however a difficult and temperamental child from age 3-11, so it’s time for her to be easy going.

Dd2 I miss being little. She’s 13 and definitely pulling away from family life and wanting to be more independent. Doesn’t really like a hug, though will put up with me hugging her from time to time. She was a delightful kid, always happy, always fun. She’s still great, don’t get me wrong, but I do miss the cuddles.

Totally normal OP, my two are nearly 20, and soon to be 18, they are great, really lovely young men, but yes the time goes too quickly doesn’t it. One minute they are children, then you realise that you don’t have kids toys around anymore and then they are adults.

@atmarriednotdead
I am now a great grandmother to lovely little boys.Their behaviour is very similar to their grandfather and uncle at the same age, and the younger one is the double of his grandfather who is my younger son.

@Westfacing
My two sons are middle-aged now and I would give anything for them to be babies and toddlers again.

I'm with you OP ... my eldest ds (17) is horrid, he treats me with indifference at best and utter contempt at worst. He was so lovely when he was younger 😥

I've loved every stage of DC growing up. I felt every stage was better than the last BUT sometimes I wish could still have DC at three and at seven.

That's why About Time makes me sob. I'd love to be able to nip back to the camping and tree climbing years occasionally.

There must be something wrong with me because I have never felt like this. DD had a tough time with bullying at school when she was a teenager, but I still didn't wish she was small again. I was also happy for her when she went to university, and didn't spend all summer sobbing at the idea of her moving on to the next stage of her life.

I love her to bits and worry about her all the time, but as long as she is happy then so am I.