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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Is it a normal part of being mum to teens to be sad about the child who has "gone"?

138 replies

Balaur · 08/03/2021 17:37

I have a 16 and 13 yo. Of course I can completely rationalise that it's all normal, they pull away from you, don't want to spend time with you and generally seem like a different person from the sweet child they were but fucking hell, I'm finding it hard.

OP posts:
Occitane · 09/03/2021 20:01

My DC are 23 and 20, and we are still close, but yes, I really miss them being children. I probably wouldn't have the patience for it now, but I do miss being a mum of little children. I used to get very tearful when they moved from primary to secondary school. I still can't watch the videos of Dear Jessie by Madonna or Slipping through my fingers by Abba - they make me cry!

MzHz · 09/03/2021 20:05

I love the very bones of my teen, he’s utterly amazing

But yes, I miss the bubba version, the one I’d carry everywhere on my hip, the one I’d snuggle up to in bed.

Yanbu 🙂

crayolacom · 09/03/2021 20:09

@BackforGood

Nothing wrong with you RampantIvy

I'm like bellagogosdead - totally feel each stage is better than the previous one and not into wailing about times gone.

When I think I might miss munching on a squidgy little chunky baby thigh, I remind myself that comes with broken nights and no lie ins.

When I think about nativity plays and first tooth coming out, I remind myself that comes with being exhausted trying to 'be at' everything they do, combined with work, and them being too young to leave home alone, and too young to get a meal started when you are dropping another one at something and the sheer exhaustion of that stage.

etc

If I find myself looking at a picture of a seaside holiday with buckets and spades, I remember that, when you take the rose tinted glasses off, amongst all the fond memories, there was a lot of bickering and niggling between them, and strops at one point or another and days out seemingly (at the time) 'ruined' one or the other's attitudes. It's actually FAR more pleasant and easy going to the beach with my adult dc than with little ones.

I'm not sure covering every nice memory in shit is helpful but each to their own
FedNlanders · 09/03/2021 20:10

@LizzieAnt

"How awful it was...the way tiny ghosts of your living children haunted your heart; they could never know, and would hate it if they did, how their growing was a constant bereavement." JK Rowling, The Casual Vacancy
Sad
FedNlanders · 09/03/2021 20:11

It is sad. Mine are 17, 15, 8 and 5. Its scary. I miss them being small but equally love them now.

LunaHeather · 09/03/2021 20:12

I find this thread so sad

I have often felt that my parents really wanted children and that the experiences we had as a family of adults don't mean nearly as much to them.

LockdownCheeseToastie · 09/03/2021 20:17

It’s a pity you can’t spread out the stages- mine are teens and I wouldn’t mind the odd night of cuddling a newborn or day of running after a toddler- in those days I would have appreciated a day or night off!

RampantIvy · 09/03/2021 20:18

I have often felt that my parents really wanted children and that the experiences we had as a family of adults don't mean nearly as much to them.

I think that this is something that the posters on this thread need to take note of. Thank you for highlighting this.

PufferFishGoneWrong · 09/03/2021 20:30

I look at my big 12y old who is taller than me, who's voice is deeper, who's looking more like a man and I think back when he was my wee squiggly pants newborn, toddler and wee boy. And know it's only memories that's left.

SirVixofVixHall · 09/03/2021 20:32

I also have a 13 year old and 16 yr old. I was talking to them about this a few days ago. I am enjoying teenagers but I also miss tiny them, how sweet they were, their little hands....

Thecazelets · 09/03/2021 20:33

I adore my teenagers and found the baby/toddler stages absolutely exhausting, but I think I'd enjoy just one day with them at 4 or 7 again.

I am going through a very sentimental stage at the moment ( probably menopausal!) and keep texting them pictures of themselves as babies and young children. They seem to enjoy them nearly as much as me - for me it still seems like yesterday but for them 15 years ago is the dim and distant past. Lots of hilarity at the Boden outfits that I thought were quite the thing in 2006, for example.

I read somewhere that a huge part of the 'glue' of family life is memory and reminiscence. This is becoming increasingly true as mine get older and start to leave home.

PufferFishGoneWrong · 09/03/2021 20:34

@ItsIgginningtolooklikelockdown

To be perfectly honest I miss a time when any problems they had could be solved with a breastfeed! Blush As they grow you can't fix everything and make it all ok for them with a feed or a cuddle or a trip to the park. Problems get bigger as they get bigger.
The magic of boobs, it fixes everything Grin
BikeRunSki · 09/03/2021 20:37

My eldest is 12 and a half. I adore him, I so proud of how he’s dealt with the last year, abs he reminds me more of my lovely dad (who died nearly 30 years ago) every day. I’m secretly rather pleased that Covid restrictions are keeping him at home a little bit longer than he might be otherwise. I love catching glimpses of the teen and adult he’ll become.

LunaHeather · 09/03/2021 20:37

@RampantIvy

I have often felt that my parents really wanted children and that the experiences we had as a family of adults don't mean nearly as much to them.

I think that this is something that the posters on this thread need to take note of. Thank you for highlighting this.

Thanks

The "children growing as constant bereavement" is horrible. And surely isn't really taking account of bereavement, which is like being shot and run over simultaneously.

CurlsandCurves · 09/03/2021 20:43

Oh I totally feel this!

My youngest is 11, in yr7 and he’s almost as tall as me at 5ft9. But he’s still got that pre teen cuteness about him which I am treasuring.

A few months back DS1 did his gcse mock exams and did really well. So I put some money in his account, with ‘great mocks’ as the reference. Oh when he saw it and hugged me, it was heaven!

I’m doing my very best to keep us as a family that hug. Aside from turning back time to keep them young and cute, that’s the next best thing.

LunaHeather · 09/03/2021 20:55

Curls "Aside from turning back time to keep them young and cute, that’s the next best thing."

And this is why I didn't like my parents living to see me get middle aged...well that was my dad. Mum will see me actually getting old.

Le sigh.

ValpolicellaPrimitivo · 09/03/2021 21:08

My DS is nearly 5 and I am already worried I didn't appreciate him when he was a baby enough as it was such hard work, PND and the sleep deprivation. I'd love a day with him at only a few weeks old again. I used worry so much about him napping on me and now I'd love him to sleep snuggled on my chest.

He is so much fun now, and so much easier, and I'm trying to remember it all and appreciate it as it does go fast. It's that saying, the days are long but the years are short.

ItsIgginningtolooklikelockdown · 09/03/2021 21:16

I think the word bereavement is probably ill-advised, but it is totally fine to accept that every change brings with it the loss of something else.

FedNlanders · 09/03/2021 21:18

I am just hoping we come out of the other side of this. 15yr old girls are HARD.

SusannaMorvern · 09/03/2021 21:22

Totally. I remember Jonathan Ross years ago, going up hugely in my estimation, when he talked about how this felt, really heartfelt stuff.

LaMariposa · 09/03/2021 21:23

I remember crying absolute tears of wrenching loss when my daughter was 3 days old. Just at the thought of her growing and not being my tiny baby. She was perfect and although I still love her to bits now (and she’s only 6!) she’s still perfect in her own way. I’d love to go back though, just for an hour or so.

LunaHeather · 09/03/2021 21:46

@ItsIgginningtolooklikelockdown

I think the word bereavement is probably ill-advised, but it is totally fine to accept that every change brings with it the loss of something else.
Yes, losses and gains I guess.

My friend's dad died recently in his 60s. It was shocking but neither of them has to see the other get older which definitely has benefits.

I just thought the gains of children growing up would be more appreciated but this thread reads like the people who had children and didn't know what to do when they realised they created live growing humans.

To be clear, I don't feel my parents treated us badly but this cements my feeling that most parents want the child bit and enjoy it more than the rest.

RampantIvy · 09/03/2021 22:04

I wonder if this is why some women like to have large families?

LizzieAnt · 09/03/2021 22:16

this cements my feeling that most parents want the child bit and enjoy it more than the rest

I wouldn't say that though. I love my children at all their stages. You can miss the baby while loving the child, teen or adult just as much, or more. Yes, the baby/small child stage is more hands on, but there are positives and negatives to that!
It's just that change is difficult, and children change so fast...

ItsIgginningtolooklikelockdown · 09/03/2021 22:25

Being a successful parent is basically doing yourself out of a job. Of course parents will look back on times when they meant everything to their children with nostalgia. Doesn't mean they wish they hadn't grown up or don't enjoy them as adults. Does no one with a pet not remember how lovely they were as puppies and kittens? We're programmed to love baby versions of things!