Is it a normal part of being mum to teens to be sad about the child who has "gone"?

[Balaur]

I have a 16 and 13 yo. Of course I can completely rationalise that it's all normal, they pull away from you, don't want to spend time with you and generally seem like a different person from the sweet child they were but fucking hell, I'm finding it hard.

@MumofSpud

My DD (15) is indifferent to me at best, I sometimes can't bear to look at photos of when she was little. It hurts too much.

This.

DS (16) barely speaks to me and when he does it.is always with contempt or an exasperated eye roll.

We have photos of him around the house of when he was younger and they also make me very sad to look at nowadays.

I would say DS has probably spoken no more than a handful of words to me on any particular day for most of the last year. It is pretty awful to feel this alienated from him. I feel constantly on edge and not myself when he is around as I never know what to say.. I spend ages trying to work out how to phrase something I need to say to him so that he doesn't snap at me or ignore me or to have him tell me I mean something I don't.

I definitely don't love my children any less now that they are older. In fact I would say that my favourite phase of parenting has always been the one I am in at the time. My life is definitely a lot easier now than it was when they were little. But that doesn't mean that I don't look back with fondness and miss things from their younger years. In much the same way, there are things I miss from my own childhood but that doesn't mean that I wish I'd never grown up. It is possible to miss the past without regretting the present or future,

@RampantIvy

I wonder if this is why some women like to have large families?

I've always thought that was the reason

I do understand having memories of the puppy or kitten but the way some posters are describing it...and the empathy they have for that bereavement description, makes me feel really sad.

It's not just this thread. The world is full of adults whose parents don't take an interest until they need the help of the adult child 🙄

I asked my teen for a hug tonight and was amazed when I got one
Definitely agree with this - It is possible to miss the past without regretting the present or future

Lunaheather do you have dc at the moment? I don't think the world is full of parents like that at all, I think that is the exception not the rule. It doesn't sound like your parents are fulfilling their role very well and that must really hurt.

Mine are 16, 15, 12 and 10 now and I wish I could turn the clock back maybe 6/7 years those were the good times.

I feel like this now mine are 15.

When they were younger, I pinned this poem to the fridge to remind me to enjoy the years as I was so bogged down with the stress of everyday life.

I like the age of around eight, still young enough to cuddle but old enough to be a little independent.

“If I had my child to raise over again:
I’d build self-esteem first and the house later
I’d finger paint more and point the finger less
I would do less correcting and more connecting
I’d take my eyes off my watch and watch with my eyes
I would care to know less and know to care more
I’d take more hikes and fly more kites
I’d stop playing serious and seriously play
I would run through more fields and gaze at more stars
I’d do more hugging and less tugging
I’d see the oak tree in the acorn more often
I would be firm less often and affirm much more
I’d model less about the love of power
And more about the power of love.”
Diane Loomans

I really like the woman my 17yo is becoming, she's everything I hoped she'd be and more.
I feel if I did one thing right as a single mum, she was it. I'm very proud of her, of course it's not all down to me, she has a pretty big input into it too!
But yes, sometimes I miss her being small and cuddly and me being her whole world as she grows and gets experiences of new things without me. I kinda miss her only having problems that I can fix, but that doesn't take away from how I feel about her now.

@RampantIvy

There must be something wrong with me because I have never felt like this. DD had a tough time with bullying at school when she was a teenager, but I still didn't wish she was small again. I was also happy for her when she went to university, and didn't spend all summer sobbing at the idea of her moving on to the next stage of her life.

I love her to bits and worry about her all the time, but as long as she is happy then so am I.

Same here. I naturally don't tend to look back really. It is weird that I almost don't remember the people they used to be. If I watch a video of them now as little kids I think oh yeah I sort of remember when they were small. It doesn't make me sad though. I enjoy my kids more and more as they grow up. DD has become a very moody teen and was always a very happy cuddly girl so I hope she comes out the other side but I am just used to her now and try not to take it personally! DS is much more fun as a teen than he was as a younger child.

I'm feeling like this. Single parent, only child and DD is 9. She's starting to push away and I'm floundering. I still see the 3-4 year old who only I could understand when she spoke. I love and appreciate her wit and sense of humour but the random rage and not wanting to talk when something's up throws me completely. It's always been just us two (abusive ex and lost two babies when she was little). I guess I have to get on

*with it

@ItsIgginningtolooklikelockdown

Lunaheather do you have dc at the moment? I don't think the world is full of parents like that at all, I think that is the exception not the rule. It doesn't sound like your parents are fulfilling their role very well and that must really hurt.

My parents were/are fabulous

But you could see the joy in their faces talking about a trip to Devon when we were little. Ask them about a trip to Stratford when we were in our 20s and you don't get the same reaction and they don't recall stuff that we thought was fab.

I am childfree. Tbh now dad is gone and mum is elderly, I think she's really glad there's no grandchildren to factor in.

My 20s and 30s were chock full of people whose parents didn't understand/ respect/appreciate their work or didn't approve of their life choices. I think it's very common. One friend never bothered telling her mum she won an industry award because all her mum wanted was grandchildren!

Another was genuinely upset at how her parents expected her to travel across the country to visit and were cross that she was too tired from her job that they didn't understand - she directs TV programmes. Even if she was in location in South America, they didn't understand she'd be tired when she got back.

I've always been a cuddly one though. I sat on my mum's lap till I was in my teens

My sister doesn't cuddle unless a catastrophe has occurred!

I feel with my mum we came full circle. I had the teenage stroppy years then I moved out for uni at 17. I think we're closer now, or certainly before lockdown, were more close then we had been since I'd been small and having DS has brought us closer too.

I have worries about what I missed when DS was a newborn as I had bad PND. I also worry about what I'm missing now as I've taken on a second job and am rarely home but I have the future to look forward to. Picnics in the park and playing on the swings. Hearing him speak rather than just yelling the cats name at her on a loop. Him going to school. Then uni maybe. Maybe he gets married or travels the world or both. I think it's ok to look back but there's lots to look forward to too.

I do look back and think with nostalgia about my little pudgy babies who were just so trusting and needy. There is no getting away from the fact that there is something special about that time.

DS is now 13 and DD,9. They are good fun though, and DS at least is quite communicative. They aren't both respectful all the time. Definitely not. But I enjoy having them around.

These sorts of discussions always make me feel a bit wary to be honest because my parents were very big on how lovely I was as a baby (and similarly my children, their grandchildren) and I always felt I'd peaked at 2 and been a disappointment thereafter. Like my emerging personality was a bit of an encumbrance somehow.

I therefore think it is important to connect with your kids as they get older. BUT yes of course, the early years are special.

I don't identify with this at all and yet I think I do in a different way.

DS1 was an adorable baby /toddler and up to about the age of 3 I was incredibly close with him, affectionate, hands on, he fascinated me, we did everything together, I could never get bored of him.

Then from 3 something happened. I don't know if he got the terrible twos a bit late, or if I was absolutely burnt out from giving my whole self to him in those earlier years, or whether I was depressed but I really struggled, every day with him was a challenge and exhausting. The next two years were hellish and I thought regularly about giving him away or leaving myself except that I couldn't do that to him because I knew it would be devastating for him. By the time he was six it started to get a bit better and probably seven was when it turned a corner, but the baby/toddler him was already "gone".

Now I look back, that was probably a natural and normal change, but I was so terrified that our relationship was ruined forever that I didn't know what to do. I kept trying to connect anyway, but he was/is a very intense child and I get irritated by him easily. More so during those primary years.

Then I had another baby when DS1 was 10. That really brought the guilt in because it took me right back to that incredible baby/toddler hormone driven, I want to snuggle you, I want to breathe you stage. I remembered how I used to feel about DS1. It cemented all of those "I've ruined everything" fears. But then I came to see that I didn't really want that intensity with this almost adolescent, and that was probably normal and I realised as well that the intensity of love/physicality you feel for such a young child is probably hormonal and protective. So I think in a way, I do get it - the nature of the relationship changes. I love the tiny child relationship. I am quite enjoying DS1 again now, only in a different way. He's more independent and therefore more interesting. Occasionally I wonder what happened to the little boy in between but it's always been him. I can't see them as different people.

DS2 is coming up for three this summer so it will be interesting to see if I feel the same although I wouldn't let a depression get that bad again and I don't think he will be quite as challenging. So maybe once I've had a more "normal" experience of children growing up I'll get this.

My dd15 used to be so close to me. Now she cant even be in the same room as me!

@Westfacing

My sons are now 39 & 42.

I often wish I could have one more day with them when they were say 7 & 10

This has just really pulled at my heart strings 😢

@BertieBotts

I don't identify with this at all and yet I think I do in a different way.

DS1 was an adorable baby /toddler and up to about the age of 3 I was incredibly close with him, affectionate, hands on, he fascinated me, we did everything together, I could never get bored of him.

Then from 3 something happened. I don't know if he got the terrible twos a bit late, or if I was absolutely burnt out from giving my whole self to him in those earlier years, or whether I was depressed but I really struggled, every day with him was a challenge and exhausting. The next two years were hellish and I thought regularly about giving him away or leaving myself except that I couldn't do that to him because I knew it would be devastating for him. By the time he was six it started to get a bit better and probably seven was when it turned a corner, but the baby/toddler him was already "gone".

Now I look back, that was probably a natural and normal change, but I was so terrified that our relationship was ruined forever that I didn't know what to do. I kept trying to connect anyway, but he was/is a very intense child and I get irritated by him easily. More so during those primary years.

Then I had another baby when DS1 was 10. That really brought the guilt in because it took me right back to that incredible baby/toddler hormone driven, I want to snuggle you, I want to breathe you stage. I remembered how I used to feel about DS1. It cemented all of those "I've ruined everything" fears. But then I came to see that I didn't really want that intensity with this almost adolescent, and that was probably normal and I realised as well that the intensity of love/physicality you feel for such a young child is probably hormonal and protective. So I think in a way, I do get it - the nature of the relationship changes. I love the tiny child relationship. I am quite enjoying DS1 again now, only in a different way. He's more independent and therefore more interesting. Occasionally I wonder what happened to the little boy in between but it's always been him. I can't see them as different people.

DS2 is coming up for three this summer so it will be interesting to see if I feel the same although I wouldn't let a depression get that bad again and I don't think he will be quite as challenging. So maybe once I've had a more "normal" experience of children growing up I'll get this.

Thank you so much for writing this. This really speaks to me xxxx

I have a teen and abs a 5&7 year old and I often feel like I only 2 children as the eldest is so independent. I find it hard going through this knowing I have two more who are going to grow up too.

We do have family time and go for walks etc together but it's the time I miss at home, having breakfast or a Sunday afternoon

We have an wesome relationship with our 15 dd and dh and her are very close as they share the same hobbies.

Between 11 and 13 she was an asshole but I remember adult ds being exactly the same only he was an asshole from abit earlier I think around 10.

My 10 year old however is spawn of the devil right now but we've already noticed three days back to school and she's better already. I think anxiety and frustration plays a big part in their attitude at that age.

We love spending time with all of them and I actually enjoy these ages and the teenage and young adult years more than I did the younger years

I would also love to turn the clock back for a few days to when mine were little.

They’d run to you when you were waiting at for them at home time.
You could solve all their problems with a kiss and a cuddle.
You could hug them whenever you wanted.
They’d hold your hand.
Every question would start with ‘Mummy...’

There’s that saying about children.
‘ When they are very little the days pass like years, then suddenly the years pass like days’ and they’re grown up😢

I miss the smell of mine. Ds smelt of toast and sunshine, dd of golden syrup and melted butter.

Now dd14 glares and eye rolls a lot. I miss my little ones. The golden years are between about 4-12.

@1sunnyday23

I have a teen and abs a 5&7 year old and I often feel like I only 2 children as the eldest is so independent. I find it hard going through this knowing I have two more who are going to grow up too.

We do have family time and go for walks etc together but it's the time I miss at home, having breakfast or a Sunday afternoon

My mother had 5 children and always preferred whichever was the youngest at each stage. It was annoying and sometimes sad for the rest of us. And the youngest moved to Australia to get away.

I have a 1yo and 4yo. I think you all have rose-tinted glasses on big time, they joys are big but it's also incessant and maddening and there's quite a lot of screaming and cleaning along with all the cuddles and playing.

I do appreciate these years but I think people forget the drudgery of it.

Cowsaregreat.

You haven’t reached the times yet when children are just utterly delightful companions.

Ages 1 and 4 can still be difficult. Wait until they are 6 or 7.

Arse, I'll be happy when they just sleep past six and stop finding it funny to throw egg everywhere!