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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Is it a normal part of being mum to teens to be sad about the child who has "gone"?

138 replies

Balaur · 08/03/2021 17:37

I have a 16 and 13 yo. Of course I can completely rationalise that it's all normal, they pull away from you, don't want to spend time with you and generally seem like a different person from the sweet child they were but fucking hell, I'm finding it hard.

OP posts:
trunumber · 08/03/2021 21:27

@nildesparandum - how magical to be a great grandmother!! It must be amazing seeing your baby boy as a grandad!

Standrewsschool · 08/03/2021 21:27

“Slipping through my fingers all the time
I try to capture every minute
The feeling in it
Slipping through my fingers all the time
Do I really see what's in her mind
Each time I think I'm close to knowing
She keeps on growing
Slipping through my fingers all the time”

From Mamma mia

OverByYer · 08/03/2021 21:31

I really miss getting them dressed, pulling toddler socks up feeling a little chubby hand on the back of my neck.

teenagetantrums · 08/03/2021 21:34

But it's what is meant to happen. The teenage years were hard for me with my two. Especially my daughter. Now they in Thier 20s. I like to think we all have a better relationship now we don't all live together. My daughter loves hugs now when l see her and my son who would only grunt at me calls me multiple times a week. I do miss the baby days but would never go through teenage years again🤣

Brokenrecord3006 · 08/03/2021 21:35

I think I needed to read this. I have a toddler and I'm finding it so hard that I keep wishing the years away and praying he grows up fast. This thread has reminded me to take a step back and enjoy this time because I'm sure I will miss it one day.

PurplePlain · 08/03/2021 21:43

I agree with this too.

As they grow you can't fix everything and make it all ok for them with a feed or a cuddle or a trip to the park. Problems get bigger as they get bigger

My 18yo still needs my support but I don't know how so it feels like I keep getting it wrong. I hope he sees me trying and sees that I love him and that helps him. When he was younger I could have cheered him up by pointing at a tractor.

Crockof · 08/03/2021 21:49

Mine is where you don't realise you have done something for the last time. Like the last time you dress them, or do up their coat, or hold their hand to cross the road, or tuck them in at night. When did it stop, you never realise it's the last time when you are doing it.

The Jk quote made me bawl.

Dilbertian · 08/03/2021 21:50

I think it is normal. They change and your relationship changes along with them. What's gone may never return, but something else just as good, just as wonderful takes its place.

Leah2005 · 08/03/2021 21:51

@LizzieAnt aaaggghhh you got me

Original poster
Balaur · 08/03/2021 21:55

I agree, it's partly the not knowing if you're getting it right. I grew up in a very dysfunctional family (Alcoholism, SA etc) so I'm not confident in my parenting skills. I also found their younger years hard but at least they showed they needed me. God that sounds so self pitying. I'm not a hugely sentimental person normally tbh, and I hate Mamma Mia (Grin sorry) but I have been so weepy recently about my teens. It feels like a transition stage and I know I'll get used to it.

OP posts:
MrsAvocet · 08/03/2021 22:01

I can definitely relate to feeling like their younger selves were actually different people. When I look at my adult and teen children I find it hard to believe that they were ever in my womb. It somehow seems improbable that the newborns with whom I shared those endless night feeds, the toddlers taking their first wobbly steps, the preschoolers that I taught to tie their shoe laces and ride a bike, the primary school children worrying about SATs and these independent adults/nearly adults are all the same people. I love them how they are now and I wouldn't want to turn the clock back, but I do miss the younger versions too. I think it's also at least something to do with my own ageing. I still feel like a young Mum, but I'm not. When I feel nostalgic about my children's early years I think I am actually mourning the loss of my own youth at least as much as I am missing their childhoods. I remember my Mum saying to me when she was in her 70s that she stil felt 17 til she looked in the mirror and saw an old woman looking back at her. I didn't really understand that at the time, but I do now.

mrsnibblesisahero · 08/03/2021 22:06

@ItsIgginningtolooklikelockdown yes!!! That's just twigged for me. You've made it make sense. I love my DM like I am little again. It will be three years in a couple of weeks since I lost her. I wasn't good to her as a teen. It all resolved in time and I loved her deeply. But this longing is for my Mummy.

Coronawireless · 08/03/2021 22:07

I sigh that kiss you
For I must own
That I shall miss you
When you have grown

  • WB Yeats

DH used to tell our DCs, 9 and 10 to stop growing but it made them feel bad about getting older. So I made him stop saying it (even though I wail it myself in my head every day).

thebear1 · 08/03/2021 22:45

I have a teen, I love him but miss the simplicity of his younger self. I am sad my years of having younger children are gone.

BackforGood · 08/03/2021 23:17

Nothing wrong with you RampantIvy

I'm like bellagogosdead - totally feel each stage is better than the previous one and not into wailing about times gone.

When I think I might miss munching on a squidgy little chunky baby thigh, I remind myself that comes with broken nights and no lie ins.

When I think about nativity plays and first tooth coming out, I remind myself that comes with being exhausted trying to 'be at' everything they do, combined with work, and them being too young to leave home alone, and too young to get a meal started when you are dropping another one at something and the sheer exhaustion of that stage.

etc

If I find myself looking at a picture of a seaside holiday with buckets and spades, I remember that, when you take the rose tinted glasses off, amongst all the fond memories, there was a lot of bickering and niggling between them, and strops at one point or another and days out seemingly (at the time) 'ruined' one or the other's attitudes. It's actually FAR more pleasant and easy going to the beach with my adult dc than with little ones.

elliejjtiny · 08/03/2021 23:43

Yes!

My 12 year old is struggling with his mental health at the moment and I wish I could go back and cuddle the baby/toddler he used to be.

ssd · 08/03/2021 23:51

Totally agree.
I was telling dh how sometimes I just want to make ds2 his dinner. He moved out a year ago and I'm proud hes doing so well. And I know he cooks. But sometimes when I make a good dinner I want to give him some too. But usually when I offer hes making his own Sad

merrygoround88 · 08/03/2021 23:53

I mourn the loss of my small children but I comfort myself that I really did enjoy their young years. I never found baby or toddler years hard and primary years were a joy, I reason that at least I didn’t hate it as some friends did

80sMum · 08/03/2021 23:54

Ah, yes I know what you mean OP. My children are 41 and 38 now and I still miss the little versions of them, before their childish innocence was lost.

ssd · 08/03/2021 23:55

@LizzieAnt

"How awful it was...the way tiny ghosts of your living children haunted your heart; they could never know, and would hate it if they did, how their growing was a constant bereavement." JK Rowling, The Casual Vacancy
So true
Bouledeneige · 09/03/2021 11:04

My DD is still super lovely and kind and always has been - shes 20. But my 18 yr old DS is a very different person. He was so cute and cuddly and he's like a plank of wood now. I watch videos of him when he was 4 and miss him.

LaVitaPuoEsserePiuBella · 09/03/2021 11:07

@LizzieAnt

"How awful it was...the way tiny ghosts of your living children haunted your heart; they could never know, and would hate it if they did, how their growing was a constant bereavement." JK Rowling, The Casual Vacancy
This sums it up really well. Yes, I miss my small children and babies - miss the hand holding, sitting on laps etc.
HauntedDishcloth · 09/03/2021 11:35

I was introduced to this type of feeling when DS1 was about 6weeks old by a breast feeding counsellor who told me having a child was a "continual series of bereavements"!! Shock Probably not the best thing to say to a struggling first-time mum of a newborn. It certainly stuck with me & has a grain of the truth.

nildesparandum · 09/03/2021 18:49

@trunumber

Thankyou. The only thing about being a great grandma that I do not like is the fact that I am the mother of a grandfather, it is frightening if you see what I mean!
My little baby boy now has grandchildren, who would have thought of that.Mind he started early!.

NoraEphronsNeck · 09/03/2021 19:50

@Balaur

I have a 16 and 13 yo. Of course I can completely rationalise that it's all normal, they pull away from you, don't want to spend time with you and generally seem like a different person from the sweet child they were but fucking hell, I'm finding it hard.
Just thinking exactly this tonight.