14 years old dd piling on weight

[ArseInTheCoOpWindow]

And l don’t know what to do.

She’s always loved her grub. As a child she was always hungry and asking for food. And I’d be really confused as she would have had a big meal then say she was hungry 15 minutes later.

I could control it to some extent when she was little. We’ve got 3 others who are older and aren’t like this.

At Christmas, DH and l chucked out all Christmas goodies day after Boxibg Day as she was just eating them non stop. But she just carried on and on. She has piled on about a stone and a half.

We don’t have crap in, but she just eats endless toast and cereal. We’ve now only got porridge. So she eats toast constantly. I’ve had to get rid of the peanut butter, but there’s still butter. We have to have some basic foods in the house like bread and cereal.

She eats a good breakfast, lunch and tea. Plenty of protein. But this isn’t really the issue, it’s the non stop eating between meals. Is it possible to be this hungry? She’ll eat fruit too, but it’s just non stop.

She refuses point blank to do any exercise. I’ve offered to do couch to 5k or buy her a trampoline or dance class subscription. But she refuses.

Last night she was on her 4th round of toast and DS said ‘That’s enough’ Now she won’t talk to him.

What do we do? Ignore it and watch it happen? Speak to her? It’s getting out of control

I should say that it's quite possible to have sensory issues without ASD, so a sensory approach could work regardless.

Hide the bread and get loads of vegetables in. Can she have cut up carrots, peppers and cucumber?

Yes, I’ve read lots about autism in girls and had her assessed.

Spongebob, I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’ve said she’s 5 ft 11. I don’t know her weight. I’d say she’s between a 16 and 18, with a small waist. I didn’t come on asking for help to be slagged off as rude.👍🏻 Didn’t take long did it. Why don’t you read the thread?

I’m signing off now, as l feel it’s going to descend into pointless squabbles. Thank you so much to all the lovely kind and helpful other posters, you’ve really helped.

^your giving her the scarcity hunger by hiding and taking it away*

This. “Scarcity hunger” is a good phrase.

If I live on my own I easily control my weight. Living with others and I eat when I don't want to because I know if I don’t have a biscuit or a piece of french bread now it’ll be gone by the time I do want it. So I overeat.

The kid is a couple of pounds overweight if I’ve read the post right and she’s 12.5 st. Hardly an indication of medical, or autistic, or genetic cause.

Is it possible that your own perceptions and attitudes to food are also at work here?

It sounds like weight management may be important to you - I think you said you don't tend to eat much in the way of carbs (or that could be for another reason of course, apologies if so)

I think your OH said you were 'obsessed' about this issue - was this hyperbolic or is there some truth that your focus on this is disproportionate?

You also describe yourself as 'desperate' about the situation - that's a very strong way to feel isn't it? And it will likely come through to your daughter and be an additional pressure in the situation.

How long has she been 5ft11, and did she have a huge growth spurt to reach that? Just asking as I’m 6ft, and boy was I starving in my growth spurts, I ate way more than my peers. Maybe she needs help to realise that once she’s stopped growing she’ll have to slow it down. 12.5stone for that height isn’t immense, she only needs to lose 1.5stone, so hopefully encouraging her to make some healthy choices will do the trick.

@Mamabear12

I would just limit her food and say she had enough. Or mention you can notice she has put a little weight and it’s important not to over eat. I know some people would disagree w this approach. But it’s not healthy if she is overeating. If she can’t regulate herself you need to help her. Set snack times. For example she can have two snacks a day and that’s it. Not unlimited toast. And she needs to get out for walks. Do family walks. We do family walks or short runs around the park. Our kids are 7 and 8. They love doing to run. Otherwise they would have too much energy. They are used to doing sports etc. And can’t do them much w the lockdown.

Yes Mama this is all fine, and I'd endorse it myself.

However, getting a 14 yo to go for a walk when they don't want to us hard. You can't drag them. I have one - who loves going for walks luckily but if she doesn't want to do something, it is hard.

Equally setting snack times - no 14 yo will accept that, no more than you or I would! You can broadly agree mealtimes but you can't enforce them like that.

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow

Yes, I’ve read lots about autism in girls and had her assessed.

Spongebob, I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’ve said she’s 5 ft 11. I don’t know her weight. I’d say she’s between a 16 and 18, with a small waist. I didn’t come on asking for help to be slagged off as rude.👍🏻 Didn’t take long did it. Why don’t you read the thread?

I’m signing off now, as l feel it’s going to descend into pointless squabbles. Thank you so much to all the lovely kind and helpful other posters, you’ve really helped.

Good luck OP.

I think you are doing your best in a v difficult situation. I hope you'll find a solution that works - but I think you sound caring but clear on the issues, and putting DD at the forefront. I can feel your worry. You are doing a great job as her mum 💐

This might not be helpful - do tell me to fuck off - but could she be given more responsibility for food, for the whole house? As in, take on some cooking, meal planning and budgetting? She loves food, is very interested in it, loves cooking - could this be a way to develop that interest beyond shoving it in her gob?

I'm just thinking, if she does this she will need to think about everyone's calorific requirements, amounts of protein etc - it becomes less personal. Maybe.

Maybe focus more on the emotions rather than the eating. She sounds unhappy and like she has low self esteem. She needs things to feel positive and enthusiastic about, if at all possible. Someone said if she won’t talk to you find someone she will talk to. That’s a good idea. Maybe online counselling? Maybe yoga? I remember being 14. It was hard, felt so awkward in my body so I didn’t feel enthusiastic about clothes as everything made me feel uncomfortable or self conscious. I didn’t want to do exercise as I felt so awkward and self conscious. I hated anyone paying attention to those issues as I just felt worse when they did.

If I think about what might have helped it would be finding things that I was genuinely interested in. And finding ways to identify and express my own feelings.

Its not the OPs fault if her and the rest of her family are used to eating a certain way and this just doesnt fit with the daughter.

Everybody has their way of eating and if it works for them they assume it should work for everyone.

I think the carbs non converting person eating with a carbs over processing person would be difficult to manage. If this is the answer then it will be difficult for OP to figure out meals which can enable everyone to eat healthily.

Even if OP is now aware of this she will have a tough time figuring this one out.

Good luck OP

She's not 12.5 stone btw. That was a typo about her age, previously.

OP doesn't know her weight but can see that she's overweight.

Also, a 13/14 yo weighing 12.5 stone absolutely is too large, regardless of height. It's different at full maturity. At that stage, they should be v lean, less fat deposits etc.

I'm no expert in this at all but I am just posting to say op that my daughter's best friend piled on the weight while she was 13 and 14 yrs to the extent that her mother was quite worried, but she then started growing upwards and thinning out and at nearly 18 yrs is now a beautifully healthy weight.

In your shoes op I wouldn't be letting your dd eat loads and loads of toast and cereal although some is fine. I'd be making her a fourth small meal at night, say scrambled eggs or baked beans or smashed avocado on rye toast or hummus and crudités or a portion of chick pea and veg casserole or something (chick peas are good for teen girls because they contain calcium I think).

And if she is going to have snacks have things ready prepared in fridge like natural yoghurts, apple compote with cinnamon, apple slices with peanut butter etc.

Teens are strange creatures; if you offer them food directly they will sometimes refuse, but if you leave healthy food "available" they will happily go and help themselves when you are not around.

I would also step up exercise and general movement (dog walking?). Again, my daughter used to mirror my behaviour quite dramatically sometimes , so if I said I was going out for a power walk, she would come out with me on foot or on her Nike. So make sure you set a good example even if you don't fancy it. And loads of things like patchwork, knitting, weaving, painting and drawing, lino cutting, etc etc to keep her hands and mind occupied while inside so much.

Good luck

I'm also eating endless rounds of toast with butter, and/or marmalade. It's boredom partly, and partly because it is easier than making a proper lunch.

Are you giving your daughter lunch as well as an evening meal? If not, she might genuinely be hungry, and toast is possibly the only thing she can/is allowed to make for herself. I suggest making/getting in some soup for lunches, so at least you know the healthy food is getting into her body (as well as) the toast.

@Plussizejumpsuit

Also remember some people are just built differently from others. Is she actually overweight or just not really slim?

Fatter people have the same sized skeletons {allowing for height} as slim people do.

It is poor eating that piles on the excess weight .

I watched a video about London in the 1960's....and there wasn't a fatter person in sight.

Just general street scenes.

UK people have become SO much fatter in recent decades.

Maybe it is the vast array of snacks available now?

People used to refer to excess weight on kids as ''Puppy fat'', as if it was normal.

OP you are quite right to be worried about compulsive eating.

Lock away the bread.

Good quality bread and butter IS nice, especially toasted.

So perhaps as others have said buy a boring wholemeal loaf and an olive oil spread?..Or sunflower oil?? rather than butter.

Can you show her how to cook a basic pasta? plain pasta and a spoonful of philadelphia cheese is easily achievable for a 14yr old, and is a healthier choice than toast and butter.

OP I did the same as your daughter at her age. For me it was about control, when everything else was spiralling and I had zero say in what was happening (not from my parents but life/school in general), I took solace in food. Unfortunately it's rarely taken as 'seriously' and there is less support than those who exhibit the opposite and restrict food as a form of control. If she has always had a bit of a comfort relationship with food she might have BED that has been exasperated by everything going on with Covid etc? Either way, it's a tricky situation, especially at the moment. My parents reached a point they were blunt with me, at the time I was upset about it and initially rebelled, eating more than ever; but they did save me from being overweight throughout my teens and at uni etc, and no doubt improved my health. With them on board I was fortunate enough to have support, and found things that worked for me. I still binge now, but know my triggers and have ways of managing it 99% of the time.

Have you spoken to a GP about this. There are medical causes of excessive hunger. Maybe rule that out first ?

What about a new house rule of no food without asking permission? My parents did this and if I asked for something they would say 'no it is 30 min to tea' or 'you can have a piece of fruit'. The reason for the new house rule is trying to manage the food bills, don't make it about her.
We always had treats in the house but we were not really allowed to help ourselves.
Removing all treat foods does not set her up for having a good relationship with food when she goes to college or uni.

Loads of things like patchwork, knitting, weaving, painting and drawing, lino cutting, etc etc to keep her hands and mind occupied while inside so much {Quote}

Good call re hands being busy with crafts &c

Computers are made for snacking...Idly munching while tapping away.

Crafts not the same, as hands are needed in a different way.

NHS guidelines to how your GP can help

There seems to be a lot of stick going on with the removal of food which seems to give her comfort but not much carrot. Is there something she would like that you could offer to buy her if she gets on top of the snacking? And have a google around for some form of exercise she would enjoy at home.

I was an overweight/obese teen and honestly it's really hard, she may come across as defiant but she's probably unhappy and embarrassed. Hiding food isn't the answer, what you need is to have honest but gentle conversations with her about healthy eating, encourage her to identify foods she does want to eat and goals she wants to work towards like fitting into a new pair of jeans or being able to run for 10 minutes.

Then join her, don't make special food for her, make it a family healthy eating drive.

I think the best thing would be to stop the grazing. So set meal times and snack times. Eating is something which is done communally in the kitchen. Then I'd focus less on what she's eating, apart from making sure there's some nice, high protein options.

Are you saying she is 5”11 and 12ish stone? That’s a healthy weight for her size? I’m 5”8” 12 stone and a size 12. I don’t really get the issue here. She’s eating toast and fruit in between meals, so what? Maybe you are the one with an unhealthy idea of what she ‘should’ look like?

Everyone is eating more in lockdown, there’s nothing to do.

@Coldwinterahead1

The more you limit food the more she will want it and become a secret eater (talking from experience)

Yes, scarcity will exacerbate. (Feeding Littles do an excellent course/have free online information on 11-17 year olds and eating habit changes).

The issue isn't her eating "to excess", that's the symptom. You need to figure out the reason she's eating in this way. Have a conversation about it with her (is it anxiety, is she struggling with the pandemic situation, bullying, etc.) and maybe, if she doesn't wish to speak to you, self-refer for some talking therapy/get support from a food therapist - your GP may not be as helpful as a psychologist! 🙂