14 years old dd piling on weight

[ArseInTheCoOpWindow]

And l don’t know what to do.

She’s always loved her grub. As a child she was always hungry and asking for food. And I’d be really confused as she would have had a big meal then say she was hungry 15 minutes later.

I could control it to some extent when she was little. We’ve got 3 others who are older and aren’t like this.

At Christmas, DH and l chucked out all Christmas goodies day after Boxibg Day as she was just eating them non stop. But she just carried on and on. She has piled on about a stone and a half.

We don’t have crap in, but she just eats endless toast and cereal. We’ve now only got porridge. So she eats toast constantly. I’ve had to get rid of the peanut butter, but there’s still butter. We have to have some basic foods in the house like bread and cereal.

She eats a good breakfast, lunch and tea. Plenty of protein. But this isn’t really the issue, it’s the non stop eating between meals. Is it possible to be this hungry? She’ll eat fruit too, but it’s just non stop.

She refuses point blank to do any exercise. I’ve offered to do couch to 5k or buy her a trampoline or dance class subscription. But she refuses.

Last night she was on her 4th round of toast and DS said ‘That’s enough’ Now she won’t talk to him.

What do we do? Ignore it and watch it happen? Speak to her? It’s getting out of control

I'm in Ireland so it's different but of course our GPs are under pressure too but I would be amazed if they didn't take this seriously

I know the pressure on mental health services in England and as the GP above says, on dietician services. The NHS isn't going to interfere with a growing 14 1/2 year old because their mum thinks they are a bit overweight and they've been eating in lockdown.

This is not a medical issue, it's a lifestyle issue which has to be solved by the person themselves and the family food environment. GPs aren't miracle workers, they can't keep up treating severely mentally ill teenagers or people with life-threatening illnesses (I know both), this is not their area of expertise.

Probably more the opposite case these days though, with the actual isolation happening and technology allowing us to have contact outside the immediate family. If anything it's an escape these days

Not when it's cut you off from your family you live with. If you are texting your own family members instead of walking downstairs or into the kitchen to talk to them...

Besides have u not seen groups of teens. They all text eachother when they are together. Its really cut people off from real life these days .

You sound like you're taking a ver adversarial, this should be punished approach. Which is a fast track to giving her food issues. Ideas like punishing her by removing the toaster and her phone are bonkers.

It doesn't sound like you've engaged with her on this, just that you've told her what to do.

I'm fat and don't think it's the moral failing many people do. But I do understand that there are health implications so totally get why you don't want her to gain lots of weight and be in the much more challenging position of loosing it.

However I think you should be equally as worried about giving her lifelong food and body issues. So you need to be way way more gentle. I'd also suggest removing some of the emotive language from how you talk and think about weight. Such as your phrasing of piling on weight. I also think you need to stop thinking of weight gain as something you never come back from.

Things are very very hard in the world right now. Remember that a d cut her some slack.
Also go to the GP. Increased appitite can be a sign of health issues.

I tell her she’s beautiful all the time. She looks like an Edwardian Gibson girl. I try and push healthy eating, and l think she’s taken it on board quite a lot. She just likes a lot of it.

She doesn’t have PDA or ASD, we’ve had her assessed.

I am absolutely not adversarial at all. It’s all been gentle . I’d never dream of telling her what to do. She’s almost an adult and l respect that. That’s is absolutely not what I’m like. I’m just desperate.

@Greenmarmalade

For those suggesting a chat with a GP- have you ever tried discussing something like this with an nhs Gp? You’ll get totally fobbed off!!

Doctors do not have magic wands to solve behavioural problems. Most people who consult me about their weight want to be told they have a thyroid problem or some other medical issue that can be treated with a pill. When they are directed to support for self-management of weight - which is the only effective solution for 99% - they consider this being fobbed off.

Weight issues are often linked to depression and mental illness, of course, but NHS mental health services are so under-resourced that they can only see the most extreme cases. Ditto dieticians.

UK voters have spent a decade voting for health cuts. This is what you get. It's not me fobbing you off - there are no services any more.

I would not mention it again then if shes upset. Instead I would cook a large bottomless carbs heavy meal like spag bol with a leaner sauce - try to reduce sugars in the sauce so its the carbs as the main thing IYSWIM.

Then put the pot in the middle of the table and encourage seconds.

No one comment.

See if this reduces the snacking.

Also remember some people are just built differently from others. Is she actually overweight or just not really slim?

This is not a medical issue, it's a lifestyle issue

You absolutely don't know this, and in fact, I'd say it's much more likely to be a medical issue.

Everything in OP's DD's life is set up for her to be healthy - healthy food options, supportive family, her own interest in cooking & eating good food.

It's really problematic that so many people see weight issues as only (or chiefly) linked to lifestyle choices.

She loves seconds...

Yes, she’s overweight. It’s in her face and shoulders and legs. That’s where she tends to put it on. ‘Piling on’ weight was just a term, as it’s come in very fast over quite a short period of time. I’ve could have put ‘gaining weight fast’

You sound like you're taking a ver adversarial, this should be punished approach.

What? Are we reading the same posts from OP?

She absolutely does not sound adversarial. She's concerned, she loves her DD & worries for her. All her actions express this.

I just want to say that as much as you fear causing an eating disorder by saying the wrong thing, it’s rarely that simple. The causes of eating disorders are usually extremely complex. Yes of course environmental factors such as people saying things, diet culture, poor roll modelling etc play their part, but there’s ever increasing evidence of physiological, genetic, and chemical differences playing an important roll too.
What I’m saying is discussing your concerns in a loving, supportive way is unlikely in itself to cause an eating disorder. At the other end of the scale, I’ve suffered very severe anorexia since my teens and grew up in a house with a family who all had a really healthy relationship with food. Sometimes the reasons are just beyond that.

In relation to your dd, is she drinking enough? It is so common to confuse thirst and hunger. Also, is she drinking empty calories?

Also, I think teens often forget that it takes time between eating and the feeling of hunger to diminish. It would be reasonable to suggest that she needs to wait 45 mins after eating one thing before deciding if she needs something else.

Another thing that struck me is that here, whilst in lockdown, we are doing one internet shop a week. Therefore it really is a case of if I buy a loaf and someone eats it all in the first 2 days then it’s tough luck if you want toast for breakfast the rest of the week. Maybe you could say to the family as a whole that due to lock down you can’t be doing top up shops. A loaf of bread has x no of slices and there are x no of us. Therefore that mean 2 slices each a day. Maybe it would just make her stop and think.

With regards to getting her moving it is tough at the moment. In lock down we’ve had one day a week where we all go out as a family for a walk or bike ride. Could you get her agree to that as a minimum?
On the boredom eating front is there anything you could do together non food or exercise related? Even playing a computer game together. A decorating project, get her to teach you something, eBaying, a sewing project?

@MissLucyEyelesbarrow

Yep I have and was told I have insulin resistance related to some hormone issues and discovered a bit later I have an underactive thyroid. I have mental health issues too. The medication I take for that doesn't help. So one thing is it made me feel like less of a failure. But you're right about the options for NHS support they're non existant really. The service aren't there.

But I still think it's worth checking out

Greenmarmalade, I thought ASD with PDA too.... and very hard to get diagnosed (assessed three times here and told no before we finally got the diagnosis).

The only advantage that I can see of her not going out is that she can't buy snacks to hide and eat later.

If you do buy some snaks for the other children hide them inside saucepans with the lid on or in your wardrobe and handbags.

However, I do realise that this might not be a realistic option as it will mean that you will have to be the only one knowing about the hiding places in order to distribute the snacks and your other children might not be able to hide from your DD that they are eating while she isn't due to the packs making noise or the wrappers being found so you would have to hide them too and throw them instantly in yours or the communal bins if you live in a flat.

People have offered good advice on this thread, and have asked questions about your daughters size, weight, bmi, among others, which are all relevant to the advice given. You do not seem to have responded, which limits the advice given, apart from also seeming a bit rude.

She’s 12.5 stone? So upper end of normal and just into overweight?

The way you carry on i’d have thought you were going to say she was heading for obesity!

Back off her! No wonder she doesn’t want your opinion when she isn’t really even fat...

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow

She loves seconds...

Yes, she’s overweight. It’s in her face and shoulders and legs. That’s where she tends to put it on. ‘Piling on’ weight was just a term, as it’s come in very fast over quite a short period of time. I’ve could have put ‘gaining weight fast’

But it sounds judgemental. Use of language is important.

@AtleastitsnotMonday

I just want to say that as much as you fear causing an eating disorder by saying the wrong thing, it’s rarely that simple. The causes of eating disorders are usually extremely complex. Yes of course environmental factors such as people saying things, diet culture, poor roll modelling etc play their part, but there’s ever increasing evidence of physiological, genetic, and chemical differences playing an important roll too. What I’m saying is discussing your concerns in a loving, supportive way is unlikely in itself to cause an eating disorder. At the other end of the scale, I’ve suffered very severe anorexia since my teens and grew up in a house with a family who all had a really healthy relationship with food. Sometimes the reasons are just beyond that.

In relation to your dd, is she drinking enough? It is so common to confuse thirst and hunger. Also, is she drinking empty calories?

Also, I think teens often forget that it takes time between eating and the feeling of hunger to diminish. It would be reasonable to suggest that she needs to wait 45 mins after eating one thing before deciding if she needs something else.

Another thing that struck me is that here, whilst in lockdown, we are doing one internet shop a week. Therefore it really is a case of if I buy a loaf and someone eats it all in the first 2 days then it’s tough luck if you want toast for breakfast the rest of the week. Maybe you could say to the family as a whole that due to lock down you can’t be doing top up shops. A loaf of bread has x no of slices and there are x no of us. Therefore that mean 2 slices each a day. Maybe it would just make her stop and think.

With regards to getting her moving it is tough at the moment. In lock down we’ve had one day a week where we all go out as a family for a walk or bike ride. Could you get her agree to that as a minimum?
On the boredom eating front is there anything you could do together non food or exercise related? Even playing a computer game together. A decorating project, get her to teach you something, eBaying, a sewing project?

That's a really interesting & well put post.

Just out of interest op have you done any reading around autism in girls? It would be interesting to see if any of it fits. Even though you've had an assessment and been told she isn't autistic.

Also Google interoception.

[quote Plussizejumpsuit]@MissLucyEyelesbarrow

Yep I have and was told I have insulin resistance related to some hormone issues and discovered a bit later I have an underactive thyroid. I have mental health issues too. The medication I take for that doesn't help. So one thing is it made me feel like less of a failure. But you're right about the options for NHS support they're non existant really. The service aren't there.

But I still think it's worth checking out[/quote]
I agree. I'm not saying don't check it out with the GP; I'm saying the OP shouldn't take her DD with her to have the discussion. It's unlikely to be medical, but it's not impossible.

She loves seconds...

Well thats good news. You mentioned you try to eat healthily. I think the problem is we all have different DNA and whats healthy for your body and the rest of her family is not necessarily for hers. The standard response to weight gain is to limit carbs but for some people this will make things 1000% times worse.

If you can find my previous comment re. the carbs predisposition and those who convert starch to amylase quickly then it may be worth looking into. You will be able to tell which category your current meals fall into.

your giving her the scarcity hunger by hid9ng and taking it away

OP this sounds like a sensory issue to me. It's always been there, from what you've said. She probably finds the sensation of chewing comforting. And may not be getting the feedback that she's full. Did you look at the ASD diagnosis with someone who understands about girls and AS and how good they can be at masking? Obviously not appropriate to diagnose over the net but a few of the other things you've said make me wonder.

I would just limit her food and say she had enough. Or mention you can notice she has put a little weight and it’s important not to over eat. I know some people would disagree w this approach. But it’s not healthy if she is overeating. If she can’t regulate herself you need to help her. Set snack times. For example she can have two snacks a day and that’s it. Not unlimited toast. And she needs to get out for walks. Do family walks. We do family walks or short runs around the park. Our kids are 7 and 8. They love doing to run. Otherwise they would have too much energy. They are used to doing sports etc. And can’t do them much w the lockdown.