14 years old dd piling on weight

[ArseInTheCoOpWindow]

And l don’t know what to do.

She’s always loved her grub. As a child she was always hungry and asking for food. And I’d be really confused as she would have had a big meal then say she was hungry 15 minutes later.

I could control it to some extent when she was little. We’ve got 3 others who are older and aren’t like this.

At Christmas, DH and l chucked out all Christmas goodies day after Boxibg Day as she was just eating them non stop. But she just carried on and on. She has piled on about a stone and a half.

We don’t have crap in, but she just eats endless toast and cereal. We’ve now only got porridge. So she eats toast constantly. I’ve had to get rid of the peanut butter, but there’s still butter. We have to have some basic foods in the house like bread and cereal.

She eats a good breakfast, lunch and tea. Plenty of protein. But this isn’t really the issue, it’s the non stop eating between meals. Is it possible to be this hungry? She’ll eat fruit too, but it’s just non stop.

She refuses point blank to do any exercise. I’ve offered to do couch to 5k or buy her a trampoline or dance class subscription. But she refuses.

Last night she was on her 4th round of toast and DS said ‘That’s enough’ Now she won’t talk to him.

What do we do? Ignore it and watch it happen? Speak to her? It’s getting out of control

I agree with gp check up. It could be s blood sugar or thyroid issue. Might not be of course but worth having it checked.

Could you swap the bread to a brown seeded one? Less tasty and addictive than a white loaf.

Test her hormone levels. At that age I developed PCOS - a hormone condition that sends your blood sugar out of whack and makes you hungry and crave carbs - and put on weight if not managed.

There are medications she can go on, and diets higher in protein and fruit/vegetables and lower in carbs are best to control it.

Also, buy healthy toast and healthier protein-rich snacks.

So many people advising to get rid of bread, carbs, the toaster! Not a chance I would be putting the rest of the family on low carb does because one person couldn't control themselves. Not buying so much junk food is one thing, not having basic staples in because a 14 year old girl won't stop eating is quite another.
I would just be limiting her food. Tell her she's eating a ridiculous amount and ban her from making food for herself.

I would also stop being so passive when she is rude to you. She's 14 and telling you to get out and not speak to her is ridiculous. I would never have spoken to my parents like that.

Of course she doesn't want to discuss her weight or feelings with her parents. Again she's 14, it's embarrassing, and forcing her to get out and exercise isn't going to work either.

You say she made 4 lots of toast and it took for your ds to tell her that was enough. Why didn't you tell her to stop eating all the food?

When I was around 12/13 I piled on a lot of weight. Due to bullying, being self conscious about myself (height especially. I was also tall), and comfort eating. My mum told me at age 13 I was going tobhave to do something about my weight. She didn't go on about it, she didn't try and get me to discuss other things about why I was gaining so much weight, just told me I would have to reign in my eating and I would feel better about myself. (Think at the time I was trying to find something to wear for a party maybe, and felt so uncomfortable in everything). By the age of 14 I had lost about 2, maybe more stone and was going to the gym and looked great.

It doesn't need to be this complicated.

When is she doing most of the snacking? @Hampotsandonions suggestion of a 4th meal is good, I think - a low carb small meal last thing in the evening is better than multiple rounds of toast and butter. It might also mean she wakes up less hungry in the morning.

I don’t think you should necessarily panic about this. I gained a lot of weight in my early teens and was eating a lot of carbs. At my largest I was a size 16 at 5’10. Any attempt by my parents to limit my food intake meant I just ate in secret and sometimes ate more than I would have otherwise as a form of defiance. I think the overeating was partially due to boredom and unhappiness at school, but also because my body was preparing for puberty.

By the time I was 16, I’d dropped to a size 8-10 and my breasts had grown from a B cup to a DD. The weight had redistributed itself and I was no longer an apple shape, but a curvy, tiny waisted hourglass. I’d finally noticed boys and had become a lot more vain about my appearance and so had started dieting more and focusing more on healthy eating and exercise. As an adult, I’ve never been bigger than a size 12-14.

I think you should take the pressure off her and just focus more on going for walks and getting outside for her mental health rather than for exercise. You don’t want to spark an eating disorder or cause her to binge in secret. In a few years you might find she’s a very different size and shape.

I don’t know where you live, OP, but two things might play a part in whether a person gets a correct diagnosis if they are neuro-diverse: location, not all local authorities follow the same criteria and this results in fewer diagnoses; and gender - you may be aware girls and women have more difficulty getting a diagnosis. You’re describing a long pattern of disturbed eating and sensory issues, not something that just started during lockdown and is ‘comfort eating’. I’d agree with pp that I would not rule out some neuro-diversity.

It sounds really hard for you. And she clearly shuts down on being confronted. I think you are doing all you can by providing healthy choices for her. I wonder if she has a sensory problem around actually knowing she’s full? Some people don’t have sensitive internal cues as to whether they are full/hungry or cold/hot for example.

Why tiptoe around her like this? Just tell her straight - you are getting fat - fat soon becomes obese and you won't like it when you're buying clothes in Evans Outsize.
And assert yourself - you're supposed to be the one in control.

@FlyNow I'm so sorry to hear that. As you say it's difficult because you do want them to be healthy, but there are certain ways to go about this and his (nor your DFs) most certainly aren't it!!

IMO kindness is the way to deal with this, empathy and understanding. kid gloves, ask her seriously if something is up and why you're concerned. First step to getting through to someone, disarm them with empathy, kindness and concern. Have a frank but gentle conversation with her to say you're worried and ask if anything is going on mentally.

Not sure if you will come back to the thread now.
But a couple of things to consider.
Is she on any medication? The pill?
This can sometimes help people put on weight.
It's just worth checking

And re the exercise.
I know you mentioned asking her to go for a walk with her friend.
But how about arranging to go for a walk with her?
I know you wont be able to do it all the time.
But it's more fun to go for a walk with someone.
So maybe just say right come with me for a walk. Or let's go for a walk out somewhere.
It might be better than just telling her to go out for a walk.

I was an overeater as a teen too. There was nothing mum could do.. make an issue of it then I'd secret eat, same with approaching me gently, same with letting me get on with it. I just loved food and didn't care that I was fat. Once I reached 18 I came to the decision myself to change my lifestyle. It had to come from me though.

Any sensory issues, OP? Just asking because the crrrrrrunch of toast is super attractive for sensory seeking types, like my DS (ditto crisps, raw carrot etc, as well as sharp, spicy or strong 'sour' tastes).

I hear a lot about how you feel about your daughters weight but there is no sense from what you write about how she feels about it. Maybe she is fine with getting bigger, perhaps she is board, perhaps she just hasn't got the knack of self-control around food yet?

At 14 she has to start to take control of things for herself, there is only so much you can do as she is not a child anymore. Hiding bread and carbs is going to cause friction between you, possibly cause her to have even more issues around food and isn't really fair on your other two.

At her age there isn't much you can do to 'control' her eating and her weight - short of just not providing anything except lettuce and frankly that is going to make for a joyless lockdown.

The best thing you can do is model healthy behavior. Are you a healthy weight and do you regularly exercise? If so she will have a good example to see what healthy can look like and if she decides she wants to do something about her weight then she will know what to do.

Would she use a Nintendo wi and do some of the more active things on it?

As someone who is a real grazer with very little self regulation I find it helpful to remove the temptation altogether. So I think you are right to remove the bread and peanut butter etc. I won’t keep butter in my house because then I will have toast.

Maybe it’s just a phase because she is bored in lockdown though.

I think whatever you say you are doing, someone on Mumsnet will say it’s wrong BTW.

Eating is driven by hormones not willpower.
Give her a probiotic supplement, and a multivitamin, she may be deficient in something, hence the overeating.
Give her Kerfir or full fat natural Yogurt. Lots of full fat dairy and good fats, olive oil, nuts etc
Switch bread to seeded sourdough and cereal to homemade granola with nuts and seeds (and dark chocolate and Raisins if she likes)
As much home made food as possible with meals high in good fats and fibre.
This is not her fault (or yours) and I am extremely sympathetic x

My dd’s would eat non stop if I let them, dd1 seems to gain weight easily nut dd2 is super skinny despite eating really well. I can manage dd1’s weight better when she’s not at school but now she’s home she’s getting no exercise, I don’t allow snacking in between meals unless it’s a apple or banana. I buy brown bread or best of both which they are not as keen on. We don’t have massive meals either. I find it hard with dd1 as she has lots of issues with food and her diet is pretty limited (mainly carbs) but I’m lucky that she won’t make herself anything to eat so doesn’t tend to eat between meals.

@Pringlemonster

I had the same problem at the same age .mum weighed me ,sent me to weight watchers in the village hall at 14 ..stopped all treats ,put padlocks on the cupboards,locked the freezer .. I’m still fat ,and my relationship with her is fucked . She took away all my self control by locking every thing So I never learned any self control.still have very little. None of my clothes fitted ,I was in bras to small ,she didn’t replace my clothes when I got fatter ,as she couldn’t accept I wasn’t as thin as her .

History repeats itself ,I have 4 children,3 are whippet thin like their dad..
One of them takes after me in all ways ,a mini me ,with all my weight problems.I did the same with all 4 of them food wise ...one has just simply got more of my genes than the others .

I Was comfort eating at 14 ..miserable,
I needed clothes in fashion that fitted me ,and complimented my figure ,I needed access to filling nutrious food when I was hungry ,not when she decided I could eat ..I needed to be given control back for what I wanted to eat ,and when I wanted to eat it ,I needed her to spend time with me ,and know I was loved whatever my size.I needed opportunity to exercise,she bought herself an exercise bike ,I wasn’t allowed in her room where it was .
Had she of done that ,maybe things could of been different

This is such an insightful post, Pringlemonster, I'm really sorry that you went through that as a child.

I've struggled with my weight always; not so much now as I'm mostly 'normal' whatever the hell that means(?) but also because I have control now and didn't back then.

OP, if this were my daughter, I would be telling her what Poppingnostopping has said because it's absolutely right:
I would do the counter-intuitive thing, I would say to her 'you are getting to the age now where you are in control of your food and your body and your weight. I am a bit worried you will regret putting all this weight on, but ultimately it is your choice and your body and it's up to you where you go with this'.

The heap of judgement that women get, for every little thing, not just from men but from their own sex even worse. Overweight women suffer. That's the only way to describe it. Getting above a weight deemed to be acceptable is a miserable way of life both for health and the huge judgement that follows.

I would make her aware of this, as painful as it is, it's far easier to take control now as a young woman than as somebody beset with the bigger problem and having to deal with that in their lives.

Don't go down the route of hiding food. Not ever. Being in it as a team is a good approach I think.

Take her to the GP for blood tests to ensure everything is in order including vitamins. Check also for Thyroid problems.

Does she suffer from anxiety?

Ask her to put the phone down for a few hours a day and help with house stuff and go out for a walk. Try not to make a fuss about food, keep healthy stuff but it is very difficult to control teenagers on everything they eat. It is going to have to come from her to want to be healthy.

Do you keep white bread or wholemeal break?White bread does not fill you up but it helps you put a lot of weight.

Can you freeze your bread? We portion a loaf up into what we use each day, then take it out of the freezer in the morning so it's defrosted in time for lunch.
It would mean it's not quick and easy to grab?

could you afford a private dietitian online appointment? perhaps talking to a professional would help her to build better habits, plus sometimes it's easier to take a stranger's advice rather than family?

Some answers are strange here saying not to allow her to snack on toast. She’s 14, if she’s not allowed to eat in the kitchen she’ll buy some snacks and eat them secretly in the bedroom.

I was an overweight teen.
I ate for a mixture of pleasure, comfort and boredom.

Things are bleak for kids right now, lockdown sucks, no one can see a definite end and there aren’t many pleasures in life. I can only imagine food has become a focus for her.

Please don’t continue like this OP it’s really insulting hiding food, removing appliances and avoiding the issue. Sit her down. Tell her that her eating is getting OTT and she’s gained a notable amount of weight. Tell her you don’t want to treat her like a child by hiding food or removing appliances but she needs to get it under control else she’ll have a serious weight problem.

I’d maybe even suggest to her that meals are eaten together and only a limited number of snacks are available to her each day. Let her pick these (healthy only) and essentially make a snack lunch box for the day. Otherwise her access to the kitchen is off limits make it clear this includes toast/cereal anything in the kitchen is a no!

I was your dd.
Leave it. Leave her alone. Dont have crap food in the house. But apart from that...

You've told her you've noticed
Youve told her you're concerned

Anything else is going to upset her and feel like a personal attack.

She isnt stupid. She will work it out herself. Anything further you do will be along the same lines of what you've done already (in her receipt of it) and will NOT do any good.

Also, a 13/14 yo weighing 12.5 stone absolutely is too large, regardless of height. It's different at full maturity. At that stage, they should be v lean, less fat deposits etc

That's bollocks. A 14 year old girl will usually be right in the stage of puberty when weight and height increase most sharply. The NHS growth charts for girls are here.