14 years old dd piling on weight

[ArseInTheCoOpWindow]

And l don’t know what to do.

She’s always loved her grub. As a child she was always hungry and asking for food. And I’d be really confused as she would have had a big meal then say she was hungry 15 minutes later.

I could control it to some extent when she was little. We’ve got 3 others who are older and aren’t like this.

At Christmas, DH and l chucked out all Christmas goodies day after Boxibg Day as she was just eating them non stop. But she just carried on and on. She has piled on about a stone and a half.

We don’t have crap in, but she just eats endless toast and cereal. We’ve now only got porridge. So she eats toast constantly. I’ve had to get rid of the peanut butter, but there’s still butter. We have to have some basic foods in the house like bread and cereal.

She eats a good breakfast, lunch and tea. Plenty of protein. But this isn’t really the issue, it’s the non stop eating between meals. Is it possible to be this hungry? She’ll eat fruit too, but it’s just non stop.

She refuses point blank to do any exercise. I’ve offered to do couch to 5k or buy her a trampoline or dance class subscription. But she refuses.

Last night she was on her 4th round of toast and DS said ‘That’s enough’ Now she won’t talk to him.

What do we do? Ignore it and watch it happen? Speak to her? It’s getting out of control

[FatCatThinCat]

How does she sleep? My DD was the same. Always hungry as a child and started piling on weight as a teen as I couldn't control her diet then. She was diagnosed with a sleep disorder last year, hypopnea. Turns out this was driving her hunger and she's now losing weight as it's now under control.

[ArseInTheCoOpWindow]

I don’t eat bread much or carbs. That only leaves Dh. Not buying bread was my next target.

[Whatwouldscullydo]

Carbs like cereal and bread are hideously addictive so if you can face it I would put the whole family on a low carb diet so there is nothing like that in the house

If there's an underlying cause then you can remove everything until she's eating butter out the butter in the tub at 3 In the morning.

That issue needs exploring befire. Removal of food won't help until it is

[missrm]

Sounds quite carby! Does she get a lot of protein in her diet to fill her up?

Protein yoghurts or shakes made with almond/cow milk. Omelettes, boiled eggs etc all good breakfasts. I snack less on carbs when I've had a good 90/120g protein each day. Her blood sugar will be spiking dramatically with all that toast. Won't help her moods either.

Just don't buy bread for a bit!

That must be such a stress for you.

[ArseInTheCoOpWindow]

How do you explore it with someone who won’t let you talk about it?

I actually thought about trying to go along the road of ‘self abuse’ as l do think eating like this is a destructive act.

[itsgettingweird]

Sensory issues can also mean you don't fill full.

I agree with above poster about not having it in the house. When you do a shop do one with enough bread and cereal for the week.

If she wants more then she can walk to the shop and get it herself. She'll either do it and get some exercise or go without.

[Cherryhotchoc]

I agree with taking her to the gp. She could have a condition that means she doesn’t feel full or something else that’s impacting her eating.

[ArseInTheCoOpWindow]

But won’t removing all these things just set up an eating disorder? Isn’t it better to have an open conversation? But then that might set up an eating disorder too?

[itsgettingweird]

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow

But won’t removing all these things just set up an eating disorder? Isn’t it better to have an open conversation? But then that might set up an eating disorder too?

That's why I'd go with with buying a limited amount and allowing her to go and access it herself if she wants.

So don't facilitate it but don't completely control and refuse access.

There's no reason why at 14yo? If she wants a loaf of bread she can't go to the shop and get herself one?

[ArseInTheCoOpWindow]

I like your idea. So do you mean hide the bread apart from mealtimes ( it’s always whole meal) and if she wants some she goes and buys it?

[Crakeandoryx]

She's bored and possibly really fed up! Don't get at her otherwise she will secret eat and she'll lose the ability to self regulate. Get her involved in her own meals. Make easy food such as bread less easy. Freeze the bread and fill your fridge with raw carrot sticks etc.

Her clothes must be getting uncomfortable so help her realise what she's doing. I suspect it's mindless eating. Also be aware that if she's quite short and has some major growing to do her weight will level out with that.

[Whatwouldscullydo]

If she wont talk to you take her to someone she will talk to.

And set those limits.

Mental.health amongst teens is shocking these days. When we were at school we went home and that was the end of it. U had time to sleep on arguments and calm down.

Now they chat 24/7 winding eachother up and becoming extremely needy and isolated.

They don't eat ir sleep.propely and panic about what they are missing out on.

I know its the only way they can speak.to their friends now but it could well be doing more harm than good.

[sabrinathemiddleagewitch]

In terms of her allowance is this in respond to completing chores?

Could she do the hoovering twice a week?
Walk a dog?
Clean bathrooms?
In summer cut grass?
Attend a family walk twice a week?

I wouldn't buy any more than what you need for bread and cereal and if it's gone it's gone.

Don't frame it as losing weight or a diet, just say you think she needs to start earning her pocket money but chose physical type jobs to do?

It's such a hard situation as like you said, you want to tackle it but not cause a long lasting issue

[Chicchicchicchiclana]

She's comfort eating. What is she so unhappy about? Eating a lot if carby food is a misguided attempt at self care. Also some people stop eating when they are stressed and some eat more. It isn't a case of defiance. Her eating is quite disordered but it's extremely hard for you if you can't even mention it. Perhaps her father or a sibling would have more chance of getting through?

[Crakeandoryx]

4 rounds of toast isn't hunger. It's boredom or comfort eating. That's coming from an overweight comfort eater who started in my teens.

[ArseInTheCoOpWindow]

She’s 5ft 11. Had a massive growth spurt about 2 years ago.

I think I’m going to bite the bullet and speak about self abuse😭

[cracracatlady]

Buy her a fitness watch, set exercise like a chore. Get up and do it, then you can have your phone computer etc. Frame this around mental health & being healthy and not appearance, See how you get on.

[mistermagpie]

If she's tall she can eat a bit more than a short person, but what you have described is clearly excessive and given her height it doesn't sound likely that she'll be getting another growth spurt.

Why do you feel like you can't talk to her about weight? Is it her attitude or a fear that you will give her an eating disorder?

Is she hiding or secretive about the eating? It doesn't sound like it, so that's a good thing.

I don't like the idea of restricting only her food, so either you have to stop buying all things she's overeating or have a proper conversation about it. I would see the GP though because four slices of toast after dinner is a huge amount and there may be a medical situation going on (I'm thinking of thyroid or something? There is also Katie Price's son who has a condition which means he never feels full, these sorts of things need to be ruled out).

But an overweight teen can easily become an overweight adult and it's a really difficult situation to reverse at that point. You need to act now.

[glassecase]

@Crakeandoryx

4 rounds of toast isn't hunger. It's boredom or comfort eating. That's coming from an overweight comfort eater who started in my teens.

Definitely comfort eating / boredom and because toast is bloody delicious

[glassecase]

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow

She’s 5ft 11. Had a massive growth spurt about 2 years ago.

I think I’m going to bite the bullet and speak about self abuse😭

I wouldn't go the self abuse route!!

[ArseInTheCoOpWindow]

I know it’s comfort eating. She’s bored to tears, hates online learning, misses her friends.

Should l talk to her about comfort eating. It’s like the elephant in the room. You can’t actually talk directly about it😭 I’m quite direct as a person, but it seems to me the softly softly approach might not work. So do l go for the nuclear button?

I’ve gone in this morning all friendly asking if everything was OK. Just got told to go away as she’d just woken up.

She won’t care if l take her allowance away. She doesn’t spend it..

[cakeandchampagne]

Is she comfortable with her above-average height?

[PeppermintSoda]

I think some people have a genetic disposition to be "greedier" than others. I've noticed it with my own kids from toddler hood. They'll probably find out more about genetic causes in future. It probably served people well to be greedy in times of feast and famine before we had a constant supply of food.

[bluebluezoo]

Carbs like cereal and bread are hideously addictive so if you can face it I would put the whole family on a low carb diet so there is nothing like that in the house

She’s 14. Children should not be on low carb diets, or have major dietary restrictions.

O/p, i’d leave it. As pp have said trying to control and police her eating won’t work.

Buy healthy, unprocessed food as much as possible, cook from scratch as much as you can, and let her crack on. Wholemeal bread- with lockdown she could even bake it herself?

Chances are the weight gain is a backlash from lockdown. We’re simply not moving- she would be walking round school all day, and that makes a huge difference.

When things go back to normal her weight will probably balance out again.

My relationship with food is absolutely fucked from my mother constantly commenting on my weight and food. My body image too. From my childhood i have always seen myself as fat.
I rebounded from rebellious eating in secret to an eating disorder.

Maybe focus a bit more on encouraging exercise. I have to say I tend to take my youngest with me to the shop just to get her moving and out the house, otherwise she’d sit in bed all day.

[crimsonlake]

No advice from me sorry and I can already see you have tried most things.
It does seem very rigid getting rid of all treats on boxing day? Christmas had hardly started...
When my two were younger I never kept treats in the house, apart from special occassions. Obviously as they get older you cannot police what they are buying when you are are not with them.