14 years old dd piling on weight

[ArseInTheCoOpWindow]

And l don’t know what to do.

She’s always loved her grub. As a child she was always hungry and asking for food. And I’d be really confused as she would have had a big meal then say she was hungry 15 minutes later.

I could control it to some extent when she was little. We’ve got 3 others who are older and aren’t like this.

At Christmas, DH and l chucked out all Christmas goodies day after Boxibg Day as she was just eating them non stop. But she just carried on and on. She has piled on about a stone and a half.

We don’t have crap in, but she just eats endless toast and cereal. We’ve now only got porridge. So she eats toast constantly. I’ve had to get rid of the peanut butter, but there’s still butter. We have to have some basic foods in the house like bread and cereal.

She eats a good breakfast, lunch and tea. Plenty of protein. But this isn’t really the issue, it’s the non stop eating between meals. Is it possible to be this hungry? She’ll eat fruit too, but it’s just non stop.

She refuses point blank to do any exercise. I’ve offered to do couch to 5k or buy her a trampoline or dance class subscription. But she refuses.

Last night she was on her 4th round of toast and DS said ‘That’s enough’ Now she won’t talk to him.

What do we do? Ignore it and watch it happen? Speak to her? It’s getting out of control

[shrunkenhead]

Does the weight gain bother her?

[Gwenhwyfar]

I don't think there's anything wrong with Weetabix for breakfast.

[Thomasina2021]

Yes focus on high fat natural foods and reduce carbs to reduce her appetite

I second Greek yogurt and make hummus with veg sticks to snack on . Three meals a day.

[mscjmscj]

U know that minecraft is on the whole single player and thus compared to other games it's relatively hard to groom children (so it;s a safe game to play)

[tanoshii]

Facing similar difficulties with one of my children, who was constantly hungry and addicted to cereal and bread, I completely overhauled the food I was buying. So instead of Weetabix for breakfast I started making porridge for everyone, topped with full fat Greek yoghurt and nuts. Whilst instead of bread for sandwiches, I started offering soups and smoothies, and nori wraps with omlette fillings and raw vegetables. I also stopped making pasta dishes and replaced with courgetti, and reduced the quantity of potatoes and brown rice I was giving everyone. I generally added more good fats to meals to help with feelings of satiety, whilst upped the variety of vegetables in our meals. By eliminating as much processed food from our family's diet as possible I've noticed big differences in our general health and mood. The children rarely snack now, and when they do, it's on full fat Greek yoghurt and nuts. Is this something you could try? It might help to promote feelings of satiety in your daughter, and help stabilize her blood sugar levels.

[pensivepigeon]

My mother would comment if either me or my sibling were getting a 'bit fat'. Her answer was not to eat sweets or biscuits which did work for us. Unfortunately, not very pleasant as main meals were not always that enjoyable but we certainly did know the link between sweet things and putting on weight. I have put on weight during later life but also lost it again. I don't think we were particularly scarred but I do appreciate my parents were/are concerned about appearance/looks more than is fashionable now.

[Christmasfairy2020]

@bluebluezoo they said she is over weight
If you go on NHS bmi for children she is over weight. She goes swimming and is stage 7 however we are in lockdown at mo obviously. I have bought her a bike and now we have reduced fat cheese and whole meal bread and I've started getting the 10 cal jellies rather than yoghurt.she has a further appointment with the dietician on Tuesday

[AliceMcK]

My mother was obsessed with what I ate and my weight, I remember at 14 her telling me I looked pregnant in front of loads of people while trying a dress on in a shop, I was mortified. I wasn’t even that big but I did have a small belly, always have and big boobs so I can look pregnant with the wrong style of clothes. I would eat more and more for comfort, just to spite her and out of boredom too as I went to school in a different town so only saw my friends on weekends and not every weekend. Even as an adult it’s there especially when she would say things to me, I’d go and grab the most unhealthiest thing eat it just to piss her off. If she said anything I’d tell her I was just fine with my weight whether I was or not.

Maybe giving her some space and not making a big deal out of it might help.

It’s a hard habit to get out of eating foods like this, even now if I snack it’s everything your DD eats. The only thing that stops me is not having them in the house at all. You could look at getting other foods in and make meals without making a big deal out of what your making.

[Lilactimes]

Also if it really does genuinely feel excessive maybe test for thyroid, blood sugar and also threadworms ... just to rule out.

[Lilactimes]

When I was growing up my parents definitely helped me learn about healthy and non healthy food. Also, when my mum did a weekly shop and if we ate all the biscuits in the first few days there was nothing until the following week. We had our three meals a day but we were never allowed to snack in between. Partly for health and because they were on a budget.
I know times are different now, but I don’t think there’s anything overly wrong with saying you’ve had enough now, or you can’t snack wait until dinner time. I also think it’s ok to talk about weight in the context of health, your body functioning well, diabetes in later life and feeling energetic and active. 14 can be a bit of a puppy fat hormonal age so I wouldn’t make a huge deal about it - plus it’s boring time. BUT instilling some longer term guidelines for self discipline, the appreciation of more health foods is good. And definitely stopping snacking and being hungry for your meal is a good habit to learn.. good luck x

[Gwenhwyfar]

"Probably arose from yet another bullshit diet “theory” that was popular a few years ago that you needed to eat little and often to “fire up your metabolism” and burn more calories. Same as why you needed to eat breakfast etc etc."

No, it was the junk food industry. Remember the ad 'a finger of Fudge is just enough' i.e. a small snack is OK. In my own childhood it was considered that snacking between meals would spoil your appetite.
Of course some in the diet industry took advantage and created diet snacks, but the pushing of snacking comes from the junk food industry.

[Palavah]

OP this sounds hard. It's good that you tried to talk to her gently.

You said you tell her she's beautiful. It's really important that

1. she knows that you love her regardless of what she looks like, whatever she does.
   
2. she gets praise for something other than beauty. Focus on acts/behaviour rather than attributes.
   
   Keep letting her know you love her and let her talk to you, be with you.
   
   I started comfort eating at a little older than your daughter. I found it really difficult to express my emotions - I was striggling with friendships and my parents just didn't comfort me, it was all about what I might have done wrong and what I should do differerently. You said your daughter is struggling with loneliness. Can you love-bomb her?

[Applesarenice]

If she doesn’t respond to the comfort food angle, I’d follow up and say ‘perhaps we should speak to a doctor then as there might be a reason you are so hungry all the time?’

[Backbee]

But why is endless snacking seen as acceptable

I don't know, I get that some people are natural grazers and prefer to eat throughout the day, but usually that entails smaller meals so the amount is similar to 3 meals and maybe 1 snack throughout the day. The issue is that a lot of people seem to have all meals and then snack lots too. In the case of eating several slices of toast, medical issues aside, it sounds like a comfort/coping thing rather than being genuinely hungry. I was thinking back not long ago as to how I used to eat when I wanted to taste food rather than when hungry, and never actually feeling hungry. It took a while to learn that feeling a bit hungry is fine! There's almost a fear of it, a lot of people would be shocked if they counted every calorie they consumed in a day I think.

[notthemum]

Op. I see that you have read and probably re read The explosive child.
Please have a look at a condition called Odd. Might help you with understanding a few things.
As previous posters have said trying to restrict her food will just cause you and her more stress. Just let her know that you love her and are ready to listen with no judgement if she wants to talk. Then the most difficult thing of all step back.

[bluebluezoo]

But why is endless snacking seen as acceptable? Is is not the norm to have mealtimes anymore?

Probably arose from yet another bullshit diet “theory” that was popular a few years ago that you needed to eat little and often to “fire up your metabolism” and burn more calories. Same as why you needed to eat breakfast etc etc.

My own snacking habit developed for several reasons. First was because portions were restricted at mealtimes because my mum was worried about my weight. So I’d have toast late at night or between meals because I was hungry.
Another was because I now have a fucked up relationship with food and try to eat snacks instead of meals, but end up hungry so eat another “small” snack and so on, intending that to be the last.

My dd has had a dietician since she was 8. The bottom line has always been eat a balanced diet, as home cooked as possible, allow treats, and let them eat to appetite. Don’t restrict anything, and don’t follow any of the fad stuff like low carb, fasting etc..

[OhioOhioOhio]

Sounds so difficult op.

[TatianaBis]

@pensivepigeon

But why is endless snacking seen as acceptable? Is is not the norm to have mealtimes anymore? If my teen was snacking all the time I would ask why they thought they were getting hungry and discuss a better mix/amount of food for main meals. Snacking constantly is not a sustainable way to operate. You absolutely cannot do this in many professions.

It's weird, it's definitely a cultural shift. I don't recall this constant grazing back in the 70s.

One of my sisters always allowed her kids to do this, and it meant they never eat a sensible amount at a meal time & meal times were always a battle - they just weren't that hungry.

With my kids if they said they were hungry after a meal I called it 'nice hungry'. I just said they need to eat more at the meal itself and if they were really hungry they could have a piece of bread or a banana. They didn't generally take me up on it. Now they're teens they don't do it. It was very much childhood wheedling for something that tasted nice.

[TatianaBis]

Literally anything can trigger an eating disorder because actually EDs are not about food or weight in itself, but much deeper emotional and psychological issues - as you will know.

With DD's addictive eating pattern, she's potentially on the path to an ED anyway.

With a 14 year old who is 5 foot 11 and size 16-18 - someone, at some point, will call her her fat. It might be tactful, it might be nasty. It might be a nurse, it might be a comment in the street. It's unlikely that no-one will ever mention, especially if she puts on more weight.

When a young person is eating to excess and developing addictive habits at a young age, I don't think you can just turn a blind eye. If she ended up obese OP will feel responsible.

That's not to say that I'm hopeful much can be done. But if she was drinking to excess of course the parents would intervene.

[boomboom1234]

I have always done what your daughter has done and I am obese. I can't stop myself and am really greedy for carbs. I eat healthy meals and don't eat big portions but then could eat and eat when it comes to bread or sugar. I have recently started a low carb diet and lost 2.5 stone. The most amazing thing to me is that my hunger has gone completely. I am just never hungry. Before I ate so many carbs and was constantly hungry between meals. I believe for me carbs are a trigger to over indulging and they make me hungrier so I think stopping buying bread and trying to increase fat and protein could help. This is only my experience but agree trying to stop the behaviour now may help her have a healthier relationship with food longer term.

[pensivepigeon]

But then I don't generally have 'open kitchen'. We plan and cook meals as a family. We don't shop or account for snacks.

[pensivepigeon]

But why is endless snacking seen as acceptable? Is is not the norm to have mealtimes anymore? If my teen was snacking all the time I would ask why they thought they were getting hungry and discuss a better mix/amount of food for main meals. Snacking constantly is not a sustainable way to operate. You absolutely cannot do this in many professions.

[LaurieFairyCake]

She's barely 'overweight'

She's bored, her life has changed dramatically - when she goes back to school or she has more to do it will fall off again

4 slices of toast is not that much for a growing 14 year old who's 5 foot 11

Not one word would be said about this if it was a boy at 5 foot 11 and 12.5 stone

Do nothing

Say nothing

Keep buying bread (it's a normal food stuff)

[pensivepigeon]

I find it difficult to advise the op because with my D.C. and in my household we have never really encouraged a )helping yourself to food at any time' ethos. We have family meals and meal times. My D.C. cooks some of these. There is no 'hungry' outside of this. I always say if you are finding you are getting hungry in between meal times tell us and we'll rethink our meals so they are better sustaining. We eat plenty though but don't have a family culture of endless snacking. We do have special occasions sometimes where 'snacks' are like a bit of an aperitif before an occasion meal or treat whilst watching a film together but it is real 'occasion' stuff and not the norm. I'm glad we didn't ever develop an 'open all hours kitchen' really. I think it might exasperate food issues.

[Gwenhwyfar]

"but there’s an equally loud chorus of people saying “I wish my DM had intervened”.

Is there though? I don't think I have ever seen anyone say this."

Somebody on this very thread said it.