14 years old dd piling on weight

[ArseInTheCoOpWindow]

And l don’t know what to do.

She’s always loved her grub. As a child she was always hungry and asking for food. And I’d be really confused as she would have had a big meal then say she was hungry 15 minutes later.

I could control it to some extent when she was little. We’ve got 3 others who are older and aren’t like this.

At Christmas, DH and l chucked out all Christmas goodies day after Boxibg Day as she was just eating them non stop. But she just carried on and on. She has piled on about a stone and a half.

We don’t have crap in, but she just eats endless toast and cereal. We’ve now only got porridge. So she eats toast constantly. I’ve had to get rid of the peanut butter, but there’s still butter. We have to have some basic foods in the house like bread and cereal.

She eats a good breakfast, lunch and tea. Plenty of protein. But this isn’t really the issue, it’s the non stop eating between meals. Is it possible to be this hungry? She’ll eat fruit too, but it’s just non stop.

She refuses point blank to do any exercise. I’ve offered to do couch to 5k or buy her a trampoline or dance class subscription. But she refuses.

Last night she was on her 4th round of toast and DS said ‘That’s enough’ Now she won’t talk to him.

What do we do? Ignore it and watch it happen? Speak to her? It’s getting out of control

Would second a visit to the GP. If she’s constantly hungry she may be lacking the hormone/chemical transmitter that regulates appetite. Of course it could be comfort eating, but it would be wise to rule out any underlying physiological reason before assuming that.

I think there has to be two fundermentals that have to happen before anything changes:

1. From you: That there is a problem - and I think you have done that.
2. From DD: That there is a problem, and it is a problem for her, because ultimately she is living in her body and there has to be this inner shift before anything can change.

From there it becomes a pronged approach to explore:

1. It is an emotional problem that is fueling her need to look to food?
2. Is it a physical problem eg she really doesn't feel the sensations that control saity? (A diet high in carbs and refined sugar will almost always mess with this in the body).
3. A plan for day to day eating and moving which includes social support. This can be a slimming club, an online community such as Bright Lines Eating or even Overeating Anonymous.

eg. watching a programme and her hearing the story of someone who has shifted from overweight to healthy. Personal testimony can be very inspiring. Susan Piece Thompson from Bright Line Eating does a weekly vlog. Maybe watch it together?

Inviting her to join you in an acting in an activity regularly like doing a workout together. Let her see your actions and your integrity around eating and exercise.

but equally a growing 5 foot 9 teen probably also has a large calorie requirement. A friend for example has two strapping lads and when she feeds them half a ready meal or a couple of slices of meat I imagine my husband saying "is that it?" -- it is perfectly adequate for her. But growing teens do need more

It is interesting when this kind of eating is only as issue for girls. Boys are expected to be bottomless pits and permanently in the fridge, girls are supposed to be restrained and not “overeat”.

Have you weighed her o/p? Do you know how much she weighs? If she’s as uncooperative as you say how do you know she’s gaining? Maybe being tall and young this amount of food isn’t piling the weight on?

@Whatwouldscullydo

Carbs like cereal and bread are hideously addictive so if you can face it I would put the whole family on a low carb diet so there is nothing like that in the house

If there's an underlying cause then you can remove everything until she's eating butter out the butter in the tub at 3 In the morning.

That issue needs exploring befire. Removal of food won't help until it is

This is the first sensible comment on this entire thread.

I cannot believe that there are adults on this thread suggesting that a child should be punished for being hungry, or that putting a child on a low carb diet is the way to sort this problem out.

OP you need to seek professional help to manage this properly or she's going to end up obese as an adult and rampantly unhappy.

I briefly mentioned comfort eating. It was difficult, but then she told me to get out, and to not talk to her anymore.

I will try the counter intuitive thing at a later date.

I’d buy her all the clothes and bras in the world for her size if she was interested. We live in a very ‘naice’ area. She’s in a massive school. I go in sometimes. There’s hardly any overweight kids, the majority are reed slim.

I would also say nothing beyond it is up to you and it's your body and you will work it out for yourself, because you don't have good channels of communication already- she's hostile, doesn't want to join in family events or movie nights and probably feels alone and depressed and misunderstood by her parents (like teens before her). I don't see how focusing on weight and restricting food or even little chats about 'comfort eating' are going to help. I would abandon any mention of food and weight and see if you can't try to get some type of interaction going, or even just support her to see her friends/facilitate her life a bit (rather than you being the 'baddie'). I'd try love bombing and loving her uncritically. It was when I got over the fact my dd was overweight, and bought her great clothes anyway and gave her positive messages about herself that she herself decided it was time for a change, but even if she hadn't I wanted to let her know she is a fabulous person whatever weight she is- and if she puts on weight in the future, as we all do in life as our weight goes up and down (mainly up!) that will be ok too. She needs to feel unconditionally loved, I know it's really hard when they are obnoxious, but just try to find a few ways through (watching the same show, showing interest in her hobbies, don't tell her how to live her life, support her friendships/anything outside the house). It is so hard and I haven't cracked it but at least my teens can see I'm trying!

Is there anything exercise wise after lockdown she would enjoy that's a bit different
I am not an exercise fan but loved indoor climbing, aerial silks/hoop, stuff like that. Even walking dogs for a rescue centre

Has she started her periods?? My DD put on a horrendous amount of weight a year before she started Just before the first lockdown she started to lose all the extra weight. Lockdown does not help as they are not getting the exercise through walking to school and back and PE lessons. My DD is exactly the same big appetite hates exercise and sport and loves snacking. She is 14 and a size 14. I do think you have to be very careful about not making a big issue out of it and turning it into a big deal. My DD is a hard worker generally happy and confident. However I noticed in the summer when she went shopping with friends she would always buy clothes in a size 10 which were obviosuly too small. She started getting a complex about wearing bigger clothes than all her friends (her friends are all size 6 or 8!!) and she then made the concious decision to start watching what she eats I think it is very difficult to dictate to them over eating issues. The other thing with my DD before lockdown as all her friends are tiny they can all eat mcdonald, sweets and ice cream till the cows come home without putting on any weight so when she went went out at the weekends they all just ate junk. At least now being confined to the house all this teenage junk eating has disappeared but this has been replaced by lack of exercise.

Also teaching her how many calories a day the human body needs, what is in different foods, getting her to plan her own meals and make healthy choices. Encourage her to make her own meals and come shopping with you to get her healthy ingredients. How excercise will help her feel happy and healthy during the pandemic as excercise releases endorphines that make us feel better. Encourage her to make you healthy food so it's not all emphasised on her. Never mention clothes,never mention being overweight. Health,health,health,health on repeat. One day she will take over. But all of you have to do this not just her. That way no eating disorder is developed. Noone snacks and gum is available between meals and water. Worth a try op. Watching her become obese isn't going to help her as she will have more to loose and that will be your fault in the end anyway. You can't say I let you as you were 14 when she blames you. Parenting this is the same as parenting everything else. She isn't a adult so needs to be educated about good food choices and needs to make them. Until she is old enough to make them herself. Don't use the word treat either, that makes some food a good thing. She can have a chocolate bar as she has ate healthy the rest of the week. We have unhealthy foods in small amounts if we so choose. Food is fuel not a friend and she needs educating about this. You wouldn't put diesel in a petrol so we don't put crap in our bodies as then they don't work as well.

This was my daughter 3 years ago. She is nearly 18 now and is finally on a diet. Day 4! But omg the drama.

She is always hungry as well, she claims. Same as your dd, 15 minutes after a meal that leaves me full, she will go back in to the kitchen and eat something else. I would say nervously ''are you ........ hungry?'' and she'd be so defensive. I have had the face bitten off me so many times. I stopped saying anything. She used to get cross with me for what she thought I was thinking. It was in my opinion very ''enmeshed''. She thought she was fat, but she was saying to me ''you think I'm fat'' and then got angry with me. Eventually I cracked and said ''the problem is you think you're fat, that's why you keep attacking me!''. She wanted me to push her cognitive dissonance uphill. NIGHTMARE to be honest. Even now she's on a diet supposedly, she lists everything she's eaten and I have to say ''oh well done''.

I don't know where she got this messed up approach to eating or over eating. Why is she never full? If she eats a normal amount she feels STARVED.

Maybe I did the wrong thing ignoring the situation when she started piling on the weight three years ago.

Can you try to get her interested in choosing food from the supermarket/online order and cooking things? IF she has more access to food she likes and puts thought into it she may choose to eat better choices.

Don't tell her to have a health kick, just encourage healthier choices. If you go at her guns blazing saying she's overweight and this and that then she'll panic. She doesn't need to lose weight by going on a diet or doing intense exercises, she just needs to choose better food options.

@Cherryhotchoc

I agree with taking her to the gp. She could have a condition that means she doesn’t feel full or something else that’s impacting her eating.

I saw a TV programme some time ago that featured a young girl (younger than 10 probably) who went to see various doctors because her mum couldn’t stop her eating and the girl said she was always hungry. She had a disorder which meant she never felt full and was always hungry. Must be awful. It’s very rare I think but definitely worth a trip to the GP to have her checked out.

A previous OP suggested a project involving redecorating her room or upcycling a piece of furniture. I thought this was good advice, and the creativity/flow activity may distract her from boredom/comfort eating. Is she interested in knitting/crochet/painting? I didn't see you respond to the previous suggestion, so don't know if it's something she would dismiss out of hand, has already done so, or it hasn't been raised as a possibility.

What are her friends like? Are they also overweight, do they fetishise junk food etc?

(And is she definitely overweight, as she is incredibly tall- what is her BMI/clothes size?)

If she has friends who are into exercise and healthy eating might they be better at encouraging her? At that age I was heavily influenced by my friends and didn’t like to open up to my parents at all.

Might she be more open to chatting to one of her older siblings, could you recruit one of them to help?

I think shes telling you loud and clear that she doesnt want any food or body comments. Id definitely be buying in less snacks and bread, but apart from that, I think id lay off

I think this is a difficult one really .I mean if you take away the toaster ,she will probably kick off and just have sandwiches / grilled toast or whatever .Your other children have a healthy RL with food which is good.However your DD is a different child with different needs .ATM there is no social contact in a physical sense. and chatting OL is helpful but not a substitute for human contact IFYSYIM. Do you have a good RL with her? Maybe you could talk gently to her about any worries she may be having .My own DD has had a couple of panic attacks, and this is due to Covid anxieties .My own go to comfort food is French Stick and butter so I dont buy it too often ! Maybe try some different bread or Ryvitas?

So true that comfort eating in lockdown plays a huge part.

This is a form of self harm OP.

Have you considered a mental health professional for her to talk to? I think the over eating could be a result of something else (depression?) and you might be better off tackling that problem and the eating could sort it's self out

No advice really just wanted to say this sounds really tough, and you sound like a great mum and are obviously doing everything you can to help her to develop a healthy relationship with food. Everything is especially hard at the moment. Best of luck to you. Getting an opinion from a doctor re this question of never feeling full seems like a sensible approach.

It does sound as if she may have a degree of demand avoidance. Has that been investigated? Girls often mask these things.

She isn’t physically hungry. She’s mentally hungry. She is using food to deal with her mental health. I speak from experience.

She makes a lot of her own healthy meals.

All the others ( boys included) ate non stop and never put on weight.

I remember giving her a cuddle about 4 months ago. I could feel her ribs. We had another one a day or so ago. I could just feel lots of rolls of skin. So she has put weight on.

Her periods started when she turned 13. She’s 12 1/2 now.
She loves food, loves baking and cooking. Knows about her 5 a day and tries to do it. Prefers whole meal bread and spaghetti. It’s all in place apart from the constant grazing.

I think l did something right for her to make the above choices. But it’s the grazing that’s doing it.

The others hated whole meal bread and spaghetti and would happily eat shit line pizzas and fast food until the cows come home. She doesn’t like fast food. She likes good food, just too much of it!

I agree that removing food or hiding it is not the answer.

She sounds depressed or at least fed up. I know that DS, like me, ears at home during lockdown out of boredom, sadness, loneliness, anxiety. There’s not even the daily walk to school or knocking about with friends, far less PE or the gym, which we’d joined together after last lockdown. It’s incredibly hard for teenagers, all this.

I let him decide a lot what he eats as he doesn’t usually want or need full on meals when snacking more. I also have a range of “healthy” snacks in. I know how hard it is.

She sounds like me at that age OP. It was the start of a battle I’m still fighting in my 20’s, caused by a very common condition called PCOS.
I would genuinely eat a full meal and then be starving 15-20 mins later - very common with the disorder.

It effects 1/10 women (potentially more as it often goes undiagnosed) and symptoms usually start in the teenage years.

Please do look into it and raise it with your GP as a possibility.

Can she exercise, socially distanced with a friend? Walk/ run/ cycle?