14 years old dd piling on weight

[ArseInTheCoOpWindow]

And l don’t know what to do.

She’s always loved her grub. As a child she was always hungry and asking for food. And I’d be really confused as she would have had a big meal then say she was hungry 15 minutes later.

I could control it to some extent when she was little. We’ve got 3 others who are older and aren’t like this.

At Christmas, DH and l chucked out all Christmas goodies day after Boxibg Day as she was just eating them non stop. But she just carried on and on. She has piled on about a stone and a half.

We don’t have crap in, but she just eats endless toast and cereal. We’ve now only got porridge. So she eats toast constantly. I’ve had to get rid of the peanut butter, but there’s still butter. We have to have some basic foods in the house like bread and cereal.

She eats a good breakfast, lunch and tea. Plenty of protein. But this isn’t really the issue, it’s the non stop eating between meals. Is it possible to be this hungry? She’ll eat fruit too, but it’s just non stop.

She refuses point blank to do any exercise. I’ve offered to do couch to 5k or buy her a trampoline or dance class subscription. But she refuses.

Last night she was on her 4th round of toast and DS said ‘That’s enough’ Now she won’t talk to him.

What do we do? Ignore it and watch it happen? Speak to her? It’s getting out of control

[Nonamesavail]

@MrsKJones

OP, is there any chance she could be pregnant? I know she is 14 but excessive hunger is a symptom. I ate like a horse in the first trimester -especially mashed potato which my DS still loves

Whatever the cause i think you need to contact your GP

My dd has not seen anyone in months lol

[waterlego]

Crossed post- I see it seems like the weight is something you don’t/can’t discuss because you are worried about the impact on her self-esteem? I totally get that but I do think an open conversation about comfort eating could be useful and not necessarily offensive to her.

[Atalune]

There are dire long term adverse health implications.

I think framing it around heart/stroke health is the only way to do it. Diabetes etc. It’s rubbish but it’s defo worth doing.

And try not to mention appearance at all.

[Aloethere]

@FlyNow

Sorry to be pessimistic OP but there's really nothing you can do, short of keeping food in a locked box, ensuring she has no money and locking her in the house. That isn't realistic.

I don't think you can blame it on covid either, in normal times it might actually be worse - getting fast food etc on the way to and from school, eating out with friends.

Talk to her about comfort eating? I mean, sure, if you want, but if that worked most adults out there wouldn't be overweight.

I was a bit like her, my parents did everything right but I just loved eating honestly.

I agree with this to be honest.

At the end of the day she is 14, she has bodily autonomy, I presume she isn't stupid and realises that she is putting on weight and that is due to eating a lot. You can support her, be there for her but treat her like a person. you wouldn't remove the bread or the toaster if your husband was overeating so I wouldn't do it with a 14 year old. Some of the replies here are awful I think and would make your daughter feel awful, she isn't daft she will know why you are taking away the toaster etc.
I haven't been in your situation but I would be direct, tell her my concerns, be supportive but also respect her. I have a 14 year old too and know how difficult they can be mine threw a fit the other day when I bought him spot cream . I just try and let him know that I am on his side and want the best for him, let him know the potential consequences of his decisions, whilst respecting him and his wishes too.

[ArseInTheCoOpWindow]

Yeah, I’m doing comfort eating. That’s the way.

Thank you for all your kind words😢

[diamondpony80]

I've been fairly addicted to sugar and carbs and could pretty much eat bread/toast non stop too. I know what it does to me though (weight gain, extreme fatigue after meals among other things) so I limit it. I see my children doing the same (crazy consumption of carbs if they can get their hands on them) so I stopped buying cereal and bread. If it's not in the house, then no one is tempted. Most people think cereal and bread are essential but they don't have to be.

[Atalune]

You just have to keep chipping away.

What about weekly shop/meal plan together and map out snacks too, then do not have it in the house, the carby junk.

[Poppingnostopping]

I would leave her to it for now.

At the moment, food is a source of conflict and she's eating partly to spite herself and partly to spite you (and comfort herself in a difficult time).

You are wrong that she can never lose the weight later, my 15 year old lost three stone in a year after having piled it on during a very traumatic emotional time, she just decided eventually that she wanted to be slimmer, wear nicer clothes, and started eating healthier and walking everywhere, the weight fell off because she was young and because it was only really there through over-eating.

Ultimately this is her body and her battle. Even if you managed to control her eating (which you can't if she has money which she should have to be independent a bit by 14) by removing things like bread, she will start ordering online food, going out and snacking, eating with friends, it's impossible.

I would do the counter-intuitive thing, I would say to her 'you are getting to the age now where you are in control of your food and your body and your weight. I am a bit worried you will regret putting all this weight on, but ultimately it is your choice and your body and it's up to you where you go with this'. I would buy in lots of super-healthy stuff, restriction won't help, buy nice wholemean/seeded bread, lots of yoghurts, bagged salads, great proteins, and some treats. Encourage her to be independent and to make her own choices, you can't control her eating ad infinitum and that's the wrong message to send at this developmental stage, she isn't 8.

[Gwenhwyfar]

"set exercise like a chore."

Really? To make her hate exercise forever?
The issue is food anyway.

[Bambi1222]

You could say the whole family is going on a healthy eating plan to keep healthy during the pandemic. And she could be eating due to her sensory difficulties. Sugar free gum would help alot if this is the case. Sometimes the chewing sensation soothes upset for children with such difficulties and that is what she is seeking out as the pandemic has increased loneliness. I would try this op could really help her.

[Pringlemonster]

I had the same problem at the same age .mum weighed me ,sent me to weight watchers in the village hall at 14 ..stopped all treats ,put padlocks on the cupboards,locked the freezer ..
I’m still fat ,and my relationship with her is fucked .
She took away all my self control by locking every thing
So I never learned any self control.still have very little.
None of my clothes fitted ,I was in bras to small ,she didn’t replace my clothes when I got fatter ,as she couldn’t accept I wasn’t as thin as her .

History repeats itself ,I have 4 children,3 are whippet thin like their dad..
One of them takes after me in all ways ,a mini me ,with all my weight problems.I did the same with all 4 of them food wise ...one has just simply got more of my genes than the others .

I Was comfort eating at 14 ..miserable,
I needed clothes in fashion that fitted me ,and complimented my figure ,I needed access to filling nutrious food when I was hungry ,not when she decided I could eat ..I needed to be given control back for what I wanted to eat ,and when I wanted to eat it ,I needed her to spend time with me ,and know I was loved whatever my size.I needed opportunity to exercise,she bought herself an exercise bike ,I wasn’t allowed in her room where it was .
Had she of done that ,maybe things could of been different

[TheRealLadyWhistledown]

I have ADHD and am constantly after food for a dopamine hit. ADHD is so often masked in girls.

[Thewiseoneincognito]

OP if you were to rid the house of everything bad and carby would she have the means to buy her own in secret?

If she doesn’t then I suggest you all go on a major health drive and get rid of everything processed or loaded with sugars and additives, lots of fruit and vegetables, no fizzy drinks etc. What some deem as a treat in very low moderation is actual the main driver of eating disorders and food relationship issues when left untapped.

The last thing you want if for her to become overweight especially at such a young age. It will do nothing for her self esteem or general health and society can be very cruel to those in this situation. Good luck!

[PhoenixIsFlying]

My daughter is the same. Would eat all day if she could. She has ASD so I think it's a sensory thing and just not having feelings of being full. I buy ice lollies to help keep her consumption down.

[bluebluezoo]

OP if you were to rid the house of everything bad and carby would she have the means to buy her own in secret?

Carbs are not bad and children should not restrict carbs.

[relaxtakeiteasyeatcheese]

Could it be a medical condition where she simply cannot stop eating?
Could she possibly have an eating disorder?
Could she be bored? Depressed?
I would speak to her gp/ school nurse
I used to eat a lot as a teen out of boredom

[coldsunnydays]

Sorry to be pessimistic OP but there's really nothing you can do, short of keeping food in a locked box, ensuring she has no money and locking her in the house. That isn't realistic

I don't think you can blame it on covid either, in normal times it might actually be worse - getting fast food etc on the way to and from school, eating out with friends

Talk to her about comfort eating? I mean, sure, if you want, but if that worked most adults out there wouldn't be overweight

I was a bit like her, my parents did everything right but I just loved eating honestly

I'm inclined to agree too. Like you say, she doesn't want to talk. Which actually means she does not want listen. You can't talk to someone who does not want to listen.

If she does not experience her eating as a problem she won't change.
Even if she does she is at that age where she is programmed to start to move away from her parents and assert herself. I wouldn't have listened to my parents at that age, and them trying to talk to me would have made me defensive and angry.

Maybe she is someone who will be overweight. Maybe she will have issues with food. If she wants to, she can sort that out when she is older. I did. My eating behaviour and food preferences are very different from when I was younger.

[Mumdiva99]

Does she eat enough at meal times? I'm a comfort eater so can empathise....but equally a growing 5 foot 9 teen probably also has a large calorie requirement. A friend for example has two strapping lads and when she feeds them half a ready meal or a couple of slices of meat I imagine my husband saying "is that it?" -- it is perfectly adequate for her. But growing teens do need more. Consequently her kids eat a lot of toast....they are not overweight at all.....but give them more protein and the snacking will be reduced. Then make sure there are protein snacks in the house so the sugar rush from the white bread isn't the 'feel better' rush she is currently getting.

I really feel your pain and hope you find the best way to address it.

[WaveAndSmile]

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow

But if l leave it and lockdown goes on she’s going to have put on so much weight! If schools don’t open until Easter she might have gained 3 stone

I know it's hard, but would that be so terrifying? The worst thing in the world?

I was an overweight teen. My mum's attempts to "fix" this resulted in an eating disorder that took me years to overcome.

We are living through a pandemic. It's incredibly hard, particularly for our young people. Some of us are using emotional eating as a comfort. Restricting her access to food will almost certainly push her to shame and binging in secret.

I would say nothing.

[Onjnmoeiejducwoapy]

It’s a form of self harm, absolutely do not ignore! These habits and the self esteem damage it will do to her will last a lifetime

[WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants]

Have you tried testing her for diabetes?

Carby food is like crack. I eat incredibly low carb. If I fall off the wagon I'm permanently hungry & can eat endless carbs, it's actually a really horrible way to feel. In as much as my very low carb diet is tedious (much easier/nicer if you're not vegetarian) I prefer the way I feel.

If she is having a diabetic reaction to sugar (hidden in bread etc) she will feel hungry, she will eat loads...like any addict trying to get their fix, but the poor kid won't understand why.

[justasking111]

@Isla2021

I would honestly take her to the GP.. there could be an underlying health concern! Have you thought about this?

This. GP now.

[grafittiartist]

This is so hard because of lockdown.
No exercise and boredom!
Can you cook with her- turn food into a more considered activity? Rather than demonising it?

[relaxtakeiteasyeatcheese]

At age 14 there isn't much you can do if she won't meet you half way.

[MarshaBradyo]

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow

But if l leave it and lockdown goes on she’s going to have put on so much weight! If schools don’t open until Easter she might have gained 3 stone

No don’t leave it

It’s very hard to lose and better to stop now

Hard though.