14 years old dd piling on weight

[ArseInTheCoOpWindow]

And l don’t know what to do.

She’s always loved her grub. As a child she was always hungry and asking for food. And I’d be really confused as she would have had a big meal then say she was hungry 15 minutes later.

I could control it to some extent when she was little. We’ve got 3 others who are older and aren’t like this.

At Christmas, DH and l chucked out all Christmas goodies day after Boxibg Day as she was just eating them non stop. But she just carried on and on. She has piled on about a stone and a half.

We don’t have crap in, but she just eats endless toast and cereal. We’ve now only got porridge. So she eats toast constantly. I’ve had to get rid of the peanut butter, but there’s still butter. We have to have some basic foods in the house like bread and cereal.

She eats a good breakfast, lunch and tea. Plenty of protein. But this isn’t really the issue, it’s the non stop eating between meals. Is it possible to be this hungry? She’ll eat fruit too, but it’s just non stop.

She refuses point blank to do any exercise. I’ve offered to do couch to 5k or buy her a trampoline or dance class subscription. But she refuses.

Last night she was on her 4th round of toast and DS said ‘That’s enough’ Now she won’t talk to him.

What do we do? Ignore it and watch it happen? Speak to her? It’s getting out of control

@FatCatThinCat

How does she sleep? My DD was the same. Always hungry as a child and started piling on weight as a teen as I couldn't control her diet then. She was diagnosed with a sleep disorder last year, hypopnea. Turns out this was driving her hunger and she's now losing weight as it's now under control.

FatCat has a good point here. Lack of sleep can play havoc on the appetite and pack on the pounds. Does your DD stay up late in the night?

If she has sensory issues then it’s possible she has problems with interoception - this is a relatively recent area of research and not all OTs are particularly informed on it. What other sensory issues does she have?

She could be eating from boredom, anxiety, depression- it is likely she's eating for comfort for some reason or another rather than out of genuine hunger.
Don't ban food- it will force her to eat secretly.
This is such a hard situation because I was like your DD at that age and I was eating my anxiety- except I didn't know that's what I was doing or feeling at the time.
My mum restricted foods I was bingeing on and I just began to consume it in secret and as a result started a binge/purge cycle of disordered eating which lasted well into my 20s and sometimes still resurfaces now in my mid 30s.
The trouble is I didn't try to speak to my mum about it because once I got to the secret eating and binge/purge stage I was too ashamed and embarrassed to discuss it.
I don't know, if my mum had cottoned on that my over-eating was emotionally linked and had tried to speak to me about my feelings- what was triggering it etc., if I would have opened up to her. I think it is absolutely important you try and speak to her and just say- look, no judgement here because this is such a weird time for all of us but I've noticed you're eating a lot of certain foods and was just wondering if that's because you're really hungry for them or if it's because you're bored or worried or upset about something? Sometimes people do eat for reasons other than hunger and whilst that can bring them comfort or help them kill some time, it doesn't solve the issue that's made them want comfort or has made them feel bored. I am always here for you if you want to talk about anything that's making you feel upset or anxious- even if you think it's tiny silly things.

Be prepared for her to be incredibly defensive and strop off. It's unlikely she will want to discuss the root cause straight off. Keep persisting though and the key thing is that she knows you love her, whatever she eats, however much she eats. And don't mention weight/appearance if you can help it. If you can, be vulnerable with her yourself and share a coping strategy you may have developed as a teen to stressful situations- if it was also an unhealthy one then that is even better to share with her because then she will truly feel you aren't judging her and you can empathise with her.
Good luck.

But if l leave it and lockdown goes on she’s going to have put on so much weight! If schools don’t open until Easter she might have gained 3 stone

I have bored teens at home too. You can only really offer healthy alternatives or satisfy her boredom to curb her over eating.
Does she like pop corn? If so then invest in a popcorn maker. You can pick up the corn kernels pretty cheap. Less calories than micro or packaged pop corn.
What about making pots of low cal soup that she can help her self to? Instead of buying bread try wraps or oatcakes.
Ways of beating the boredom eating could be to let her redecorate her room. Up cycling a piece of furniture with some furniture paint.
Getting out to exercise everyday is a good idea and would lift her mood - but as she doesn’t seem up for that could you invest in a piece of equipment like bike or treadmill.
Please don’t make a big deal of the weight gain, I know it’s worrying and unhealthy but with lockdown her mental health if far more important.

I remembered watching something on tv a couple of years ago about genetic reasons why some people feel hungrier than others and found these
www.newscientist.com/article/dn23869-obesity-gene-makes-you-fat-by-keeping-you-hungry/

www.google.com/amp/s/www.nytimes.com/2019/04/18/health/genetics-weight-obesity.amp.html

‘ I think it is absolutely important you try and speak to her and just say- look, no judgement here because this is such a weird time for all of us but I've noticed you're eating a lot of certain foods and was just wondering if that's because you're really hungry for them or if it's because you're bored or worried or upset about something? Sometimes people do eat for reasons other than hunger and whilst that can bring them comfort or help them kill some time, it doesn't solve the issue that's made them want comfort or has made them feel bored. I am always here for you if you want to talk about anything that's making you feel upset or anxious- even if you think it's tiny silly things.

Be prepared for her to be incredibly defensive and strop off. It's unlikely she will want to discuss the root cause straight off. Keep persisting though and the key thing is that she knows you love her, whatever she eats, however much she eats. And don't mention weight/appearance if you can help it. If you can, be vulnerable with her yourself and share a coping strategy you may have developed as a teen to stressful situations- if it was also an unhealthy one then that is even better to share with her because then she will truly feel you aren't judging her and you can empathise with her.
Good luck.‘

Thank you😭l will try this😭

Hmm it's tricky. Is she very overweight for her height? 5 11 is tall!

Do you know her weight/clothes size?

Is she significantly taller than her friends? She might be struggling with being a tall teen and not feeling ‘feminine’ - I hate that word but it conveys enough to be useful. The over eating might be a way of disguising her perceived (and incorrect) non conformity with her peers.

In the programme I mentioned above about childhood obesity there was a slim mum whose dd was overweight as she wouldnt stop eating and the hospital found a genetic difference which made her hungry all the time. It wasn't prader willi. Might have been the FTO gene mentioned in the article

I'm speaking from experience of a big teenager here - please don't allow her to snack between meals on toast any more.

The habits she forms in these years are likely to be with her for decades. I've spent a good 20 years battling my constant need to graze, which absolutely started in my teen years.

It is in no way reasonable to snack between good sized, well balanced meals on toast. You know this. A piece of fruit or a couple of plain biscuits or crackers with cottage cheese or something but only once a day, preferably between lunch and dinner. Anything over that is excessive and leading her into a life of difficulty.

Seeing an NHS dietician (or paying to see one privately if you can) will really help to push the message. Unfortunately teenagers don't like to hear the truth from their parents but medical professionals hold more weight.

She probably is hungry between meals at the moment because she's formed this habit of toast between meals and her stomach is used to it. It does sound like this is emotional eating rather than necessity, though.

She needs help, OP. Please see your GP or look into paying to see a dietician (not a nutritionist) as they will have the most experience with dealing with people with long term dietary issues, which is what your daughter is heading for.

And PLEASE don't let her have any more toast unless at breakfast! Do you know any adults even who snack on multiple rounds of toast between meals? I certainly don't.

She'll be angry, possibly abusive towards you for this because the the food is her crutch at the moment but it really will be for her benefit. I was vile to my Mum when she tried to stop me eating and she gave in. I wish now more than anything that she'd have had the balls to stand her ground and really done what was best for me back then.

Sending hugs and support.x.

She sounds bored and unhappy. Lockdown is just so awful in so many ways for teens' health. We are at the start of an obesity and mental health epidemic (and let's face it, things weren't great pre-Covid anyway) which it is going to take years to sort out. Please don't blame your DD... she needs help and support.

Can you do more cooking/eating together and try to eliminate the eating and snacking alone? So plan some healthy protein-based breakfasts, have a family "coffee break" mid-morning if one parent is working from home, cook lunch and dinner together. I think the constant snacking is a big problem (it's certainly one of the reasons I've piled on some weight)... our bodies need to have a gap between eating and we need to get used to feeling hungry sometimes.

Also, one of the best things for mood is to get outside. So I'd be telling her family walk three times a week and it's non-negotiable. Either that or the phone goes.

Sorry to be pessimistic OP but there's really nothing you can do, short of keeping food in a locked box, ensuring she has no money and locking her in the house. That isn't realistic.

I don't think you can blame it on covid either, in normal times it might actually be worse - getting fast food etc on the way to and from school, eating out with friends.

Talk to her about comfort eating? I mean, sure, if you want, but if that worked most adults out there wouldn't be overweight.

I was a bit like her, my parents did everything right but I just loved eating honestly.

OP I hear you! My 10yo has piled the pounds on since lockdown started, exercise has been messed up, sleep routine messed up, missing friends and proper activities. All due to lockdown really. It's a bit easier with a 10yo to have more control over her intake, but it's still almost impossible to get her interested in any type of exercise! My main worry at present is how my exh is making such a huge issue of it that DD is now super self conscious and I can see her forming a negative relationship with food. DD is also really tall for her age and I'm certain the weight will even out once she gets her 'normal' life back, but I'm uncertain as to what damage her DF might be causing!

I suppose what I'm saying is kids have had their whole lives turned upside down and it's not much of a stretch to think they're grasping for some kind of control - so eating, dyeing their hair, shaving their heads even!! Just please don't make it such a big issue that she starts sneaking food etc because that's the last thing you need!

Have you worked out her BMI?

I'm uncertain as to what damage her DF might be causing!

Its so tough isn't it. Of course we want our kids to be healthy. But my df used to go on about how I was so fat and disgusting, "why are you bothering wearing make up when you're so fat" etc. I hate him for it, I think of those comments every day and I'm 35. If I ever dress up or apply make up, I think "what's the point of this". Oh and I'm still overweight so it didn't even work.

• @ArseInTheCoOpWindow* I have the same with my 14yrs did. She has always been sensory with a few other issues but blended in at school so I never had any advice. I find that she will have same lunch/dinner for weeks and then never again. Quite often high flavoured. Always been like, I can feel your struggle

She sounds unhappy. I had similar with my teen in the last lockdown. Please don't hide food or talk to her about comfort eating. Ask her how she is feeling. See if she wants to have a movie night with you etc Be there for her to talk to. If you hide food, it will become a battle ground. If you suggest cutting back, she will increase. You are in danger of getting into a battle that you can't win. Try to talk about 'getting fresh air' 'helping us feel better' by getting out (not in terms of exercise or walking'. Do as you are doing ie not filling the house with rubbish but don' restrict further and an occasional treat is fine. This is a period of time where many teens are struggling to gain control over their lives. It is so important not to bring food into that equation.

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow

I like your idea. So do you mean hide the bread apart from mealtimes ( it’s always whole meal) and if she wants some she goes and buys it?

Yeah I'm thinking of rather than having the battle about what she's eating not making a fuss about her accessing it - just making it so she must access it personally.

If you find self control difficult it's even harder when everything is easy access.

To completely change a mindset you have to change the set up.

OP, is there any chance she could be pregnant? I know she is 14 but excessive hunger is a symptom. I ate like a horse in the first trimester -especially mashed potato which my DS still loves

Whatever the cause i think you need to contact your GP

It seems I’m burnt as scolded. Don’t say anything but hide stuff = eating disorder. Bring it into the open = eating disorder.

I’m going to talk to her in a kind way about comfort eating. She probably doesn’t know what it is. She’s always beautiful to me, but l want her to be happy. Carrying extra weight in tendon doesn’t make for happiness, but not much does as a teen.

Neither Dh or l mention her weight, I’d never say a tugging horrible to her about this. Dh thinks I’m obsessed, but I’m more worried than him. I’ve been a teenage girl and young adult!

She’s not pregnant. Definitely.

because we can’t have an open conversation about weight.

Is this because she just refuses to engage with the conversation?

This sounds tough OP, I’m sorry I don’t have any advice but I hope you are able to come up with a way to tackle it.

My dd is same. I've just got some frozen berries to make overnight oats to keep in fridge plus making sure she can eat apples etc and crackers but I know its so hard. My dd just gets even worse when she is on her period too.

Constantaxiservice- I’ve done all this. She doesn’t want movie nights, won’t play games etc. We’ve tried so hard.

She won’t talk about feelings. She shuts off if l try, no matter how many different ways l try. Or she storms off. It’s really difficult.