14 years old dd piling on weight

[ArseInTheCoOpWindow]

And l don’t know what to do.

She’s always loved her grub. As a child she was always hungry and asking for food. And I’d be really confused as she would have had a big meal then say she was hungry 15 minutes later.

I could control it to some extent when she was little. We’ve got 3 others who are older and aren’t like this.

At Christmas, DH and l chucked out all Christmas goodies day after Boxibg Day as she was just eating them non stop. But she just carried on and on. She has piled on about a stone and a half.

We don’t have crap in, but she just eats endless toast and cereal. We’ve now only got porridge. So she eats toast constantly. I’ve had to get rid of the peanut butter, but there’s still butter. We have to have some basic foods in the house like bread and cereal.

She eats a good breakfast, lunch and tea. Plenty of protein. But this isn’t really the issue, it’s the non stop eating between meals. Is it possible to be this hungry? She’ll eat fruit too, but it’s just non stop.

She refuses point blank to do any exercise. I’ve offered to do couch to 5k or buy her a trampoline or dance class subscription. But she refuses.

Last night she was on her 4th round of toast and DS said ‘That’s enough’ Now she won’t talk to him.

What do we do? Ignore it and watch it happen? Speak to her? It’s getting out of control

[Micah]

(And is she definitely overweight, as she is incredibly tall- what is her BMI/clothes size?)

Yes you haven ‘t said. If she is 5’11 she’d need to be over 12 st to even tip into the overweight category.

Are you judging how much she eats and assuming she’s putting on weight? Or do you know for certain? A stone and a half on 5’11 wouldn’t be that obvious..

[OwlLovesTea]

So many comments are here are well-meaning but so deluded unfortunately.

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow I agree with you that taking away her phone is not a good idea. They need to connect with their friends.

If I could do anything differently I wish I'd nipped our little ''routine'' in the bud earlier. When she was only a little bit outside the normal range for healthy weight and she'd come up to me wailing that she was fat and I'd play my part and say ''no you're not fat!'' and I gave her loads of feminist talks about how she didn't owe it to the world to be slim (and I do believe that, but obviously she owes it to herself not to collude in a behaviour that makes her feel unhappy; over eating)

Another thing I'd do differently would be to spell out loudly and clearly the huge connection between what you choose to put in to your body and the body shape you end up with.

I think I skirted around that. But I wish I'd shut down her excuses. I wish I'd said more clearly ''you can have four slices of toast with peanut butter on them if you want, but you will be crying because you're fat before too long''.

I allowed her to overeat and then use me as an emotional punching bag when she was upset about being fat. I should have shut her down quicker and said that she had the power to not be fat! If you don't want to be fat darling daughter stop over eating!

I acted like there was no link.

[SpongeBobJudgeyPants]

So have you tried the project suggestions? Or just not an option?

[KittiesInsane]

DD puts on weight when unhappy, and sheds it again when happier.

It doesn’t work any other way (for her).

We tried various combinations of wheedling and restricting and well meaning suggestions of exercise. It needed to come from DD though, not us.

(That’s assuming you aren’t force feeding her or on a twice daily chip shop habit - which you aren’t.)

Couple of things that did actually help a bit:

Make sure she knows that she needs enough of the right sort of food. We had dietician advice for our other child (who was very underweight) on getting enough protein and veg and necessary fats into the diet.

Talk about ‘right amount’ rather than ‘no more of’ different foods.

Do stuff alongside her, give her a chance to talk.

Hang in in there.

[BigusBumus]

Wow, all these women who hate their mums because their mum actually gave a shit and tried to help them when they were young and fat.

If you're mums had done fuck all you'd be blaming them now for that too, no doubt.

[Runmybathforme]

@Isla2021

I would honestly take her to the GP.. there could be an underlying health concern! Have you thought about this?

This.
The fact that she’s been like this since she was small might mean there’s a physical problem.

[bluebluezoo]

If I could do anything differently I wish I'd nipped our little ''routine'' in the bud earlier. When she was only a little bit outside the normal range for healthy weight and she'd come up to me wailing that she was fat and I'd play my part and say ''no you're not fat!'' and I gave her loads of feminist talks about how she didn't owe it to the world to be slim (and I do believe that, but obviously she owes it to herself not to collude in a behaviour that makes her feel unhappy; over eating)

Mine isn’t overweight. But her diet is shocking (she’s a typical live on mars bars and nuggets but doesn’t actually gain weight) and when she moans about being “fat” i tell her that she shouldn’t be worried about that, she should be worried about being unfit and not eating properly. And if she wants do do something about it she needs to help me help her by coming up with meal ideas, and finding activities she wants to do.

[MaelyssQ]

My DD was like this aged 15 - she ate non-stop, mostly carbs and fried food and takeaways (she had a paper round and all her earnings went on food). However, she didn't put on any weight, she grew to 5ft 10 over the course of a year, and is now around 10 stone, so very slender. She eats well and not excessively any more.

So the constant eating might just be genuine hunger due to a growth spurt?

[minipie]

Sounds like boredom eating combined with a bit of a white carb addiction.

I’m the same if I let myself and certainly as a teen did not have the self discipline I do now. Low GI carbs are definitely somewhat addictive and unhealthy for some people - especially if she has any signs or family history of PCOS or hypothyroid or diabetes, this group of people do not do well with sugar or low GI carbs.

Does she have any interests or other healthier habits you could encourage to take the place of food?

Make up, photography/videography, blogging, drawing, yoga, music (at that age I made endless compilation tapes) reading, writing, crosswords, craft of some kind ... Anything! Just something for her to DO when she’s bored rather than reaching for the toast. If she has any interests at all can you buy her some kit for it or find some websites and gently nudge her in that direction? She’ll probably dismiss it but might come round to it in her own time.

[Worst]

I might have missed it OP, but you haven’t said if she is actually obese, or even just overweight. Is she?

I ask because my massively skinny 6ft+ 14 year old could very easily put on 10 kg and still be within a normal weight. I’m just wondering if you are possibly a very slim family and are not seeing the weight gain as normal. I’m not judging, it’s just I don’t think you have said she is obese, just that she is gaining a lot of weight, which can be very normal at that age particularly if going from underweight.

[minipie]

I meant high GI carbs!! Low GI are the good ones 🤦‍♀️

[MissKhan1990]

Does she have a special educational need? How is she in school? What are her grades like.

[BeTheHokeyMan]

I remember being absolutely starving as a teenager I would eat and eat and never feel full. I was having three good meals a day at home but never felt satisfied. I put on weight first but then had a growth spurt and slimmed down by my mid teens. My kids also went though the same thing- insatiable bottomless pits for a year or two , gained weight ,then shot up and slimmed down.

[QuantumQuality]

Is she even overweight? She’s very tall. Honestly I think at 14 you just have to let her make her own choices. She knows already. Constantly talking about it and letting her brothers tell her to stop eating is only going to fuck up her relationship with both food and her family. Rather than restricting stuff, have a supply of nice healthy things she likes and don’t comment when she eats. She will retreat from you more.

[2bazookas]

She's not feeding a physical need. so it's probably an emotional one.

Her feelings are insatiably hungry for nurture, comfort, filling up an emptiness inside. That needy emotional appetite is just as real , as physical hunger or thirst.

Perhaps you could talk to her about that . If you, DD and DH can all recognise and acknowledge the real source* of her sensation of disatisfaction and emptiness, you may be able to resolve it. But until then, she'll keep trying (in vain) to fill it with calories, a full mouth, a full belly.

[Remaker]

I assume you mean she’s 14 and a half now? My DD is the same age. Got her period at 12.5 and had a big growth spurt around then. I assumed she was done. All of a sudden she’s just had another one and shot past me in height. So it is possible your DD is going to grow again and that will even out the weight gain.

She’s 14, if you’re at her constantly or locking away food or forcing her to exercise it’s not going to end well. She’s her own person, you have to start letting go of control and try to establish a relationship where you will have trust and hopefully some positive influence. But if you can’t accept her the way she is, how on earth is she expected to?

[Jacketpotato84]

A stone and a half is not a great deal but id keep an eye on her. My 13 year old was the same recently she put on about that much but shes now losing it, i think at this age is a huge developmental stage, a few extra calories is not going to lead to obesity. She could be bored, shes not walking to school i assume can you go out and get some exersise in form of a walk? I wouldnt worry too much op alot of people have put weight on over christmas aswel. Another option you could just not have certain food in the house and she will have no choice to eat what you provide...
Honestly she is fine

[bluebluezoo]

Wow, all these women who hate their mums because their mum actually gave a shit and tried to help them when they were young and fat

I wasn’t fat. I just was a muscly, fitter build as I did a lot of exercise (i mean a lot, i was an elite athlete training 25 hours a week) and consequently ate a lot.

My food was constantly commented on. Foods were “slimming” or “fattening”. If I went to the fridge i was told I couldn’t be hungry, or to watch out because I’d get fat. I’d hear her talking with friends about how worried she was I was putting on weight and how much I ate.

As a female it is surprising how many people think they can comment on how much you eat. Teachers at school did even.

It was the 80’s. you were supposed to be willowy and thin, not a bunch of muscle who could lift 3x their own body weight.

Which is why I’d like to know what weight the o/p’s dd is, as some people do have their own skewed ideas of what is over or underweight.

[TinyTinaTriesAgain]

I think you ought to try reading the website of or speaking to BEAT a charity for eating disorders.

Your daughter shows all signs of it- emotional eating, rebellious behaviour etc.

[Whatwouldscullydo]

Its an emotional thing - complex and won’t be solved by taking her phone away ffs! This lockdown, boredom, uncertainty about the future and separation from friends is awful and internalised for many teens

I didn't say take it away completely. Uts well known that technology can isolate us , I have a teenage dd myself I've seen how quickly things can escalate. I make dd hand over her phone every night as eveb in primary school it was bloody going off at all hours. At one point the police were called to heal with a situation over WhatsApp witg some of her class mates.

Even the police advise caution akd limits over social media usually accessed via phones amd laptops we give kids free reign on in their bedrooms

Most the apps/games are full of dodgy pervs.

Of course they should be monitored and limits set.

[TheHoneyBadger]

@Solongsugar

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow** I have the same with my 14yrs did. She has always been sensory with a few other issues but blended in at school so I never had any advice. I find that she will have same lunch/dinner for weeks and then never again. Quite often high flavoured. Always been like, I can feel your struggle

This is how my mum describes my eating as a kid. I had sensory issues with food also.

My issue is tiredness now. I have this thing where I'll pretty much fall asleep and then something in my brain interprets that tiredness as hunger and I'll be wide awake and ravenous.

Not sure what to advise. 13yo ds has always been hungry constantly and has started to express discomfort about his body. Up until Covid he was really active out on his bike with his mates in all weathers, or at school etc now that he's not the eating is becoming a problem.

Fortunately he has become less picky over the last year and can be interested in different foods and helping decide what to eat and help prep. Trouble is literally half an hour after a meal he's looking for food again.

We've discussed getting all crap out of the house and he's remembered popcorn gives you a lot of eating for not a lot of calories (something I used effectively with him for a while but then he went off of it.

I also tried protein shakes with some success and he does love eggs. You've inspired me to tackle all this again.

Good luck. I'm rather more blunt and go with if you keep eating like this as you get older and are less active you're going to struggle with your weight.

Doesn't sound like your dd is very happy though. I'd probably start by trying to build up your relationship. Try and be alongside her in things she likes doing and just put in time.

[unmarkedbythat]

My mum went on and on about my weight. Still does. If I gain it's all cat's bum mouth and tutting and "concern" and if I lose it's sorrowful comments about me wasting away and going too far. If she hadn't been such a weird food policer with an obsession with other people's weight and size when I was young (she commented on the weight and size and gains or loss of everyone in our lives all the time) I doubt I'd have any issue at all with weight or food as an adult.

[justanotherneighinparadise]

It sounds like your standard carb addiction. Many of us have it. If she limits carbs, she won’t be starving all the time.

Does she eat eggs? One simple thing you could do is tell her you are happy for her to have toast as long as she has an egg on it. So poached eggs or scrambled eggs on toast. I would put money on the gfs triggering her satiety.