Honest opinions wanted - am I too strict with my 13 year old?

[Cocopops8]

Hello. I'm hoping I can get some honest opinions as to how I am parenting my 13 year old. I have always thought of myself as being on the strict side yet still reasonable but lately I have started to question my methods and wonder if I have fallen into the trap of becoming controlling rather than a concerned parent. I would really appreciate everyone's honest (even brutally honest) opinion:

1. I check the messages and social media posts on her phone.
2. She isn't allowed her phone in a morning until all her jobs are done.
3. She has to finish her homework after school before she is allowed to use her phone.
4. I have a no phones in the bedroom at night policy, it is left downstairs on charge.
5. I use phone/TV bans as a means of punishment if she misbehaves.
6. I don't allow TV in her bedroom after 9pm.

Even just typing the above list kind of answers my own question as I do sound to be quite controlling. If you think that is the case, I would be really grateful for advice and examples of how other parents handle tech in particular.

Thank you in advance.

What jobs?

I wouldn't check messages, no.

I have a just turned 14 year old. I don’t have any of the rules that you do. My “rules” around tech are aimed at teaching him to self regulate, not to control / reward / punish. Now there are natural times when he’s away from it like meals, chores, studying, time we choose to do something else together; but he can spend his downtime how he pleases. Especially during these times when it’s his main way of connecting with his friends. I also have an 18 year old in his first year at uni, I did similar with him, and it seems to have taught him well.

Sorry, by jobs I simply mean the usual - breakfast, clean teeth, brush hair, pack school bag.

I have an11yo and a 15yo. I do rules 1,4 and 5 for the 11yo but the 15yo is responsible for regulating his own use and I haven’t needed to issue a punishment to him in quite some time. The 11yo is also going much longer between punishment too. I’d say 11 is probably at the stage she could start to regulate her own phone use and shouldn’t need carrot and stick discipline like that much longer.

I'm not typical as i had no rules at all. All very sensible grown teens.

They didn't have tvs in their rooms though.

I dont police phone use really. My two are 14 and 17.

I think number 3 is strict. Shes just been learning all day, I would let her have some time to relax before making her do her homework. The rest seem OK to me, but my kids aren't teens yet

To be honest the issue for me here is what are you teaching your teen? That she can’t be responsible for anything without you controlling it all?
When will she learn how to manage her time herself if you do this forever?
By all means have a policy whereby you have the right to check messages and content of her phone should you be concerned... but don’t abuse that.
Have chores or jobs but let her manage her own time for them to have been achieved.
Same applies for homework. Maybe she needs a chill after getting home... tv until 10/10.30 would be more fair at that age. Again she can learn to manage her own sleep times.
Just relax a bit. Stop making life such a battle that you need to be in control of.

@ColdTattyWaitingForSummer Thank you, I appreciate you taking the time to message and it's great to hear that you did the same with your older child and that they've turned out just fine. I just don't know how I've got to the place I'm at now where I have become so controlling. It was never my intention.

I think you are quite strict actually, which is interesting because I thought I was strict!

I have a 12 year old, she doesn't have social media but I don't read her messages. I do have time limits set on her phone so she can't use it for hours but other than that it is up to her when she uses it.

I am a bit torn on it.

I kmow the prevailing advice is to check phones, but I would hate someone doing this to me so much. I also can’t help but feel it encourages a level of secrecy.

Ideally, I’d like my child to feel they can come to me.

I don’t know though.

Posted too soon - wanted to add, that I keep thinking about how by the age of 16 I don't imagine I will be "in charge" of her phone, so it's about setting up good habits for her to manage her own phone use.

I work with sex offenders, so no, I don't think you're strict at all

@Smallsteps88 Thank you for your opinion. I'm thinking maybe I should lighten up and possibly just stick to my 'no phones in bedroom at night'

I let mine have some downtime after school, but we tend to discourage phones during homework (which is usually done around 6/7 pm dinner dependant).

I don't check the phone on a daily basis but will do random spot checks when required. There have been talks about correct use of whatsapp and messenger.

I do tend to back off as the teen gets older and become more relaxed on the other rules (I have an older and younger teen) but the one rule I won't compromise on is phones at bedtime. The phones are left downstairs. But they do ping all throughout the night. I do wonder how some kids are able to concentrate and do well at school if they are on their phones at 2/3/4am

Sorry when I said 11 should start regulating her own phone use I meant 13, as your DD is.

Sounds super strict to me but I appreciate how you got to that place. We all start with the best of intentions as parents.

I have a nearly 13yr old who has had a phone for 2years and now has a full contract brand new phone.

She knows we could look if we choose to, but I can't remember the last time I did look. We talk about what she looks at on insta, we talk about her friends as a whole and this gives me an idea about the general state of her life and Im happy.

She uses it without restriction but would put it down if we asked her to and she doesn't use it in her room but that's because we turned the playroom into a childrens sitting room and made it cool - huge sofa, white walls, fairy lights and large TV to share with her brother.

She charges it in the kitchen at night.

I don't think your strict at all. You've given your daughter boundaries and once she has done everything she can then have her phone. I'll be doing the same with my children when they are at the age for a phone. And I'll definitely be checking everything until older and no phones in their bedroom is what most parents do at that age.

I think leaving the phone downstairs over night and having it when breakfast teeth etc is done is fine.

Why would you NOT check your child's phone? I'm paying for it and it's a privilege not a right for a teenager to have a phone.

I work in safeguarding and it's unbelievable what kids 11,12,13,14,15 years old are just allowed to do and access online, and share, and post and comment.

Also worth thinking about, whilst you may trust your child, you can't always trust other people.

I'm not saying obsessively check every message as they are sent/received - but unrestricted access to everything should not be normal.

I'm the same as ColdTatty
I don't have any of those rules. DD does charge her phone in her room at night and uses it as an alarm clock.
I discourage use after 9 to cut down on blue light before bedtime. She doesn't have a TV in her room.
I've never checked messages but she knows we will - but only if concerned. She has various ways to communicate privately with friends but two of these (one SM thing and iMessage) are accounts of mine and DH that she uses, so not private.
She's not given me much to worry about and the odd occasion she's been daft enough to lose sleep by messing with her phone - it's her, not me, going to school tired! She doesn't do this anymore

I wouldnt do 1. Unless she had given me reason to worry. But I'd make sure she was aware if the dangers online and knew that she could come to me if anything worried her.

And tv I'd probably allow until 10.

I dont think that's strict, although I might allow TV after 9, especially at weekends. I wouldn't check every message but I would say I would do random checks to keep an eye on things.

@Isadora2007 I needed to hear that, so thank you. I've gotten into such a terrible cycle of checking and controlling and, as you say, if I continue to do so she will never learn to take responsibility herself. The only one I can't get my head around is to let her have her mobile in her room during the night. Would it be unreasonable to keep that rule if I let the others go?

I have a 12 year old

1. I check the messages and social media posts on her phone. - I do sometimes but not routinely
2. She isn't allowed her phone in a morning until all her jobs are done. - mine gets his after he's dressed but not before or he'll take ages
3. She has to finish her homework after school before she is allowed to use her phone. - I don't do this but I remove it after bath before homework and reading time
4. I have a no phones in the bedroom at night policy, it is left downstairs on charge. - definitely agree
5. I use phone/TV bans as a means of punishment if she misbehaves. - reasonable
6. I don't allow TV in her bedroom after 9p - definitely agree