Honest opinions wanted - am I too strict with my 13 year old?

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Hello. I'm hoping I can get some honest opinions as to how I am parenting my 13 year old. I have always thought of myself as being on the strict side yet still reasonable but lately I have started to question my methods and wonder if I have fallen into the trap of becoming controlling rather than a concerned parent. I would really appreciate everyone's honest (even brutally honest) opinion:

1. I check the messages and social media posts on her phone.
2. She isn't allowed her phone in a morning until all her jobs are done.
3. She has to finish her homework after school before she is allowed to use her phone.
4. I have a no phones in the bedroom at night policy, it is left downstairs on charge.
5. I use phone/TV bans as a means of punishment if she misbehaves.
6. I don't allow TV in her bedroom after 9pm.

Even just typing the above list kind of answers my own question as I do sound to be quite controlling. If you think that is the case, I would be really grateful for advice and examples of how other parents handle tech in particular.

Thank you in advance.

Oh also I don’t check her posts messages but have her passcode and can do and occasionally will have a look over them, but this is not the norm.

I don't know, genuinely, if this is too much control. Your job is to protect your DD and prepare her for life as an adult. Hard to know what is the right thing to do.

I remember a heart-breaking article by a woman whose teenage DD was concealing being a social media bullying victim. The girl was allowed unrestricted access to her phone, mum didn't know the password. The girl committed suicide, only found out why when the girl was dead. Mum was wracked with guilt, and made a strong case for parents not to afford teenagers too much freedom and privacy. It's an extreme case, but it happens.

I certainly don't judge you for controlling your DD's tech.

As a parent with DDs 18 and 15, I know it is hard to strike a balance. Its not easy to find middle ground with regards to phone rules.

Some dc are able to easily self regulate. My dd1 was and is very good. Dd2 can't and it is easier to have blanket rules than me having to remember to 'police' her to prevent excessive use at the exclusion of all else. Other parents find it easier to have no rules at all. Evidence would show most mid-teens are not good as good at self regulating as the parents think as you can see many have been online at 3 in the morning.

OP - I don't think your rules are excessive. Mine's currently not llowed hers Mon - Thurs after school but she's at a school with loads of hw and is allowed it during the day at school. She has more free rein Fri-Sun when she can learn to self regulate. I don't check her phone but would if I had reason to worry. Screens are never allowed in bedrooms overnight. Dd1 was allowed screens in her room once in 6th form, but she likes her sleep and is good at putting her studies before all other distractions.

I have dt's who are 13 in January.

Their phones are charged by my bedside overnight and they get them back again in the car on the way to the bus stop in the morning. They would prefer to sleep in a bit and get ready quickly than wake earlier and have time for their phones They don't care about this at all.

I have their passcodes - they willingly give them to me and tell me if they change them. I do occasionally check them but it takes ages so I don''t do it often and I'm not concerned at the moment that they are accessing anything too dodgy.

We watch TV downstairs together in the evening and they will have their phones with them but I do try to encourage them not to look at them. I just think that is screen overload! They don't have TV"s in their room anyway.

I never take phones off them as punishment. TBH they haven't needed any punishment yet anyway, so I may as they get older but I doubt it. I really don't think it works very well.

At the moment they are very compliant and I am milking it for all it's worth! I have DD16 who I was much less strict with and it shows now so I will stick to what I am doing with the twins no problem at all.

I have a 12yo DS and 14yo DD.
With DD I have a quick check once a month or so when I top up her phone, she’s generally good at self regulation and doesn’t use FB/insta/Ticktok but does have Snapchat. I give her more leeway as she’s generally a sensible kid and so are her friends.
DS just started high school and I check his phone at least once or twice a week as he keeps getting added to stupid WhatsApp groups and I want to keep an eye on them. Some of the stuff the other kids post is a bit and want to make sure DS is ok.
He’s less able to self regulate and I’m more strict with him as a result.

I grew up in South Africa and there you have to have a tv licence for every TV you own, to the extent you can’t buy one without producing the licence as proof... Well that’s how it was when i grew up there. Consequently TV’s in bedrooms were unheard of.

When I came home I was nineteen, and I was at the number of kids who have televisions in their bedrooms. I had an auntie with four kids and they had seven televisions, one in the kitchen, one in the lounge and one in all the bedrooms.

I never allowed television in DS’ room, but now that we have Netflix and the like it’s harder to stop that, but easier to have a restriction if all devices are removed at bedtime...

I think it sounds fair, DD2 got her phone checked periodically, I skimmed through it. She wasn't allowed SM until she was 15, the school actually discouraged SM for the younger years because of the amount of bullying etc going on in it.
I relaxed it as she got older.
I work in a school and some of the things happening on SM of the younger teens was shocking. There's no way they were mature enough to cope with a lot of it.

I have similar rules with my 15 year old DD
If left to her she would be on her phone all night (as i get told most of her friends are even on school nights and she is missing out!) I am sometimes shocked at how many people let their kids be on their phones into the night when they have school the next day

During the week she is allowed screen time after school for 30 mins before homework then allowed her phone back once she has finished. Phone left downstairs from 9.30pm so she has a wind down before bed. We are very firm in no phone in the bedroom.
Weekends she is allowed her phone later into the evening but does have a limit to 5 hours per day of social media time.
We used to check her messages but not any more although do have open discussions about what is right and wrong etc and she knows that we can ask to check her phone whenever we want.
She moans a little about the rules but does get the bedtime one - its too much of a temptation!

We have no phones upstairs - not dd - and not me or dh either. They all charge in the kitchen overnight. I think it's important to walk the talk here. If we as adults can't manage without our phones at night - what does that say to our kids? We have digital alarms. Dd has a cd player but no other devices upstairs. We are actually a very digital-heavy household for both work and pleasure - but the heavy gear is downstairs.

Now she is year 1 she sometimes has a laptop upstairs to work only - all her other gaming etc stuff is downstairs.

It's important for everyone to disconnect at night - it's not one rule for teens and another for us.

I would not check phone/social media messages. That to me is just odd.

If you have made your kids aware of the dodgy side of the internet/social media and have good communication with them you should not need to do that.

Would you like someone to check your phone/emails/social media everyday?

Not yr 1 I mean yr 11!

My DDs are slightly younger (11&12).

In theory we've agreed DH and I can read messages but in reality we rarely do. They sometimes show me something funny on their phone and I'll then have a quick nosey. We've talked about bullying and 'jokes' not always feeling like a joke to everyone and not talking to people they don't know etc. School teaches internet safety as well. No-one using our wireless network can access certain types of websites.

Neither of them particularly use their phone in the morning before they go to school so that's not an issue.

They both go on their phone when they come home from school, homework is done later after they have a chance to relax. They are both conscientious about homework so I don't need to police it. DS (who is 8 and doesn't have a phone) is not allowed computer or TV before 5pm. But he is not capable of policing himself yet.

No phones in the bedroom overnight for anyone in the house. I enforce this rule with their friends as well which caused some upset at the last sleepover we had!

Yeah, we have technology bans here as punishment as well. It needs to be pretty major, I think they've each had the phone taken from them once. But I also say 'right, today we are having a no screen day today' and all phones and computers aren't allowed for anyone (inc me and DH) which they are reasonably tolerant of (much eyerolling!).

We don't have TVs in the bedroom, I encourage no phones after 9pm for everyone but we do watch TV together until 10pm during the week and later at the weekend.

DH asks for the weekly phone usage data from them. They are encouraged to set their own limits.

I will check phones if I get a whiff of something being up. I have a teen who has very precarious mental health - theirs gets checked, sometimes without their knowledge. I won't go in to details but this has more than once prevented something serious from happening.
Although bear in mind if they use Snapchat the messages disappear after a short time and you will be none-the-wiser.

I think it’s such a difficult balance and I have not been very successful at implementing sensible rules around phone usage for my teens. Partly I feel they are always one step ahead of me technologically. I think a lot of parents including me have no clue what our teens are up to on their phones.

Sorry OP, forgot to say I think your rules are quite strict but also sensible at 13.

I have an 18, 15 and 13 year old. The 13 year old has many of your rules, but the older 2 don't.

So my question is how will you transition from this and at what age?

My comments:

1. I check the messages and social media posts on her phone.

At some point you need to trust. I leave open the option to check if I am concerned, and talk to them regularly about safety and who they are talking too. At 13 she needs some privacy.

1. She isn't allowed her phone in a morning until all her jobs are done.

well, in our house, they come down and get their phone. As long as all is done before they leave the house, then maybe it is time to allow her to organise herself? At what age can she structure her own morning? My 13 year old puts on terrible music while she unpacks the dishwasher - on her phone.

1. She has to finish her homework after school before she is allowed to use her phone.

Hard one. mine take their phone to school due to travel, so they have it when they arrive home. All 3 of mine prefer to come in and chill, then eat, and then do homework after dinner. You do need to start to allow her to find out what works for her. Again, as long as everything is done by bedtime, is this a problem?
Also, mine access all their homework via their phone too!

1. I have a no phones in the bedroom at night policy, it is left downstairs on charge.

we have this, and school encourages this, and actually I think this is an area where most parents are too slack. According to the e safety presentation at school, most screen bullying issues happen in the middle of the night! it effects their sleep as they wake up to messages pinging in. So in our house their phone is on charge downstairs at bedtime, and they collect in the morning. At 15, they can have it overnight (the only reason it is 15 is that is the age we were worn down by ds begging for it) . If there are issues, phone comes back down. But again, at 18, when they leave home, they need to be able to self regulate what they do. So at some point they have it overnight and need to learn how to turn it off, put it down and go to sleep. Think about what age you want her to do that and work back.

1. I use phone/TV bans as a means of punishment if she misbehaves.

Once you have teens, you have to start moving away from this to something that works for adults. But at 13 we still use it a bit, more rarely. By 16 we don't any more.

1. I don't allow TV in her bedroom after 9pm.

I don't allow a TV in their bedrooms, so I am stricter. Ds finally got a TV when he earned the money and bought it age 16. I figured that if he was old enough to do that, he deserved it! Dd2 (age 13) is supposed to come off screens at 9 and then pack her bag and shower and go to bed. Bedtimes are very related to what time they get up, so hard to transfer form one house to another.

In general once they are a teen, they rise to the responsibility. But you still need some boundaries etc. Think about what it is you wnat her to learn, and the steps towards that

I think you're strict.
When my kids get back from school they have a snack, drink and phone or gaming time until dinner.

After dinner they go straight to homework. They've had a break and are fresh again. I think the quality of their study time will be much better then than straight after school.

I have a 14yo and this school year I feel that he is ready to have his phone in his room at night. He gets up in the morning no problem and isn't tired so I think I'll let him go with it. Before that he could only have his phone overnight on Friday and Saturday nights.

I only read messages when I have a reason to worry eg drugs,bullying... I'm realistic enough to think if I'm too strict then they'll
start deleting messages or use apps that delete messages so I can't read them.

Is she a naughty kid?
If not, the rules seem excessive.

I would say you are really strict and need to let her make her own mistakes e.g if shes on her phone till 2am it's only her whose going to be tired not you. Might take a few weeks but they soon learn to regulate their usage on their own.
My rules are
Once your ready for school you can have your phone
As long as jobs and homework are done an hour before bed the time is theirs.
I dont check their phones but the condition of them having one was I wouldn't check as long as I had no troubles from them.
Mine are 10, 15 and 17

Mega strict. I would not be looking at her private messages. My youngest is 13 and I leave him with his phone at night. He pops it in a drawer and goes to sleep. I would also allow some time to relax before doing homework. Totally understand though. It's tough with teens

The only one is the TV after 9. Which I think at 13 is quite early. Possibly reading her messages. The rest I think are fine. Though I dont personally do them. I am likely too lax and I think they are a good idea. Its instilling in her to prioritise important things instead of sitting on her mob.

Interesting thread. I have a 14yr old and two 12yr olds. Phone usage has gone up a lot in lockdown (the younger ones had just got phones before it started, which felt very lucky as they could stay in touch more). They are all on them more than I would like.

To compare with your rules:

1. I check the messages and social media posts on her phone.

I do this with the younger two (with their knowledge) occasionally. They are still at the stage where they are on big Y7 group chats and I feel I need to monitor it. They have WhatsApp but no other social media. I no longer check 14yr old DDs phone, though that's not to say I never would. She has a small, solid group of friends and we chat a lot. I follow her and many of her friends on Instagram (I only follow the ones who request to follow me!). No Snapchat or Tiktok.

1. She isn't allowed her phone in a morning until all her jobs are done.

Don't do this anymore. If they are late - they'll face the consequences at school (they never have been yet!). They need to check messages in case the people they meet to walk with are not going for some reason. I occasionally drive them in in bad weather, but won't do it if they're not ready on time.

1. She has to finish her homework after school before she is allowed to use her phone.

Don't do this. I will nudge the kids about their homework (especially the younger two who are getting used to secondary), but ultimately, again, it's their responsibility and they'll face the consequences if they don't do it. DD2 in particular is quite oppositional and I'm not interested in creating any more conflict with her when there's enough in our home life anyway. They are all usually very keen to slump on their phones for a bit when they get home from school before they engage with anything else. I can understand that.

1. I have a no phones in the bedroom at night policy, it is left downstairs on charge.

Same here. Elder DD has protested about this quite a lot, and it's just not up for negotiation. Generally I feel there are a lot of grey areas in parenting teens, but this doesn't feel like one to me. Adults in the house also leave phones downstairs and always have.

1. I use phone/TV bans as a means of punishment if she misbehaves.

Yes, if the misbehaviour is related to phone usage (e.g. being rude when told to come for dinner as on phone). No otherwise.

1. I don't allow TV in her bedroom after 9pm.

Don't have TVs in rooms. If we did, I think I'd do this, but perhaps later on the weekend.

Having gone through it (which has felt like a useful exercise for me), I think you could perhaps relax some of your rules and see how she gets on. Ultimately, we're trying to get our kids to self-regulate and make good choices, and you could perhaps give her a bit more space to do that? It's a minefield though...

It may be worth having a conversation with your daughter about this and coming to some agreement that suits you both?

I do nothing on your list. By mumsnet standards I’m an incredibly lazy parent. But in real life everyone I know is like me. In fact the only parents I know who don’t allow social medial, and like to self-righteously post about the fact on Facebook, don’t realise that their daughter is all over Instagram without their knowledge. All they’ve done is encourage her to lie and go behind their backs. She’s also forever getting her phone confiscated for the slightest thing.

So I don’t set limits on their phone use. Dds are 16 and nearly 13. I encourage them to stop using them at around 10pm on school nights, but I leave them in their rooms, so they could go on them later if they chose to.

At the end of the day. We’ve had no major issues. The couple of minor ones we’ve had they’ve come to me about and we’ve sorted it together. I’d rather they felt like they can come to me for help than being afraid I’ll fly off the handle and confiscate their phones. That won’t encourage honesty.

At the end of the day. They’re doing well in school, get up on time in the morning and are generally good kids. Why would I want to make my life infinitely more difficult and stressful by imposing strict phone limits, when they’re doing just fine with my slack parenting.

Obviously you know your daughter and my lazy approach wouldn’t work with all kids. I know some might be up until 4am etc. But for us it works.