Honest opinions wanted - am I too strict with my 13 year old?

[Cocopops8]

Hello. I'm hoping I can get some honest opinions as to how I am parenting my 13 year old. I have always thought of myself as being on the strict side yet still reasonable but lately I have started to question my methods and wonder if I have fallen into the trap of becoming controlling rather than a concerned parent. I would really appreciate everyone's honest (even brutally honest) opinion:

1. I check the messages and social media posts on her phone.
2. She isn't allowed her phone in a morning until all her jobs are done.
3. She has to finish her homework after school before she is allowed to use her phone.
4. I have a no phones in the bedroom at night policy, it is left downstairs on charge.
5. I use phone/TV bans as a means of punishment if she misbehaves.
6. I don't allow TV in her bedroom after 9pm.

Even just typing the above list kind of answers my own question as I do sound to be quite controlling. If you think that is the case, I would be really grateful for advice and examples of how other parents handle tech in particular.

Thank you in advance.

I reserve the right to look at my DD's (12) phone and messages, but in practice I don't much. She wouldn't mind though. Until they are 14/15 I think it's fine and you need to be sure they're keeping safe.

I also do rules 4, 5 and 7. I don't think those are controlling and 4 and 7 are aimed at ensuring she sleeps and doesn't spend hours on her gadgets - I'd think any parent that allows either at their age is asking for trouble.....

Rules 2 and 3 are a bit controlling. If my DCs get up earlier then they can do what they like - but when I come down and we start breakfast I don't let them have devices on. If they could squeeze 5 mins in after breakfast and before school then fine. Homework can be a moveable feast so we don't have rigid times or rules - but you're not unreasonable to want her to do it at some point - and generally I'd expect that to be done without gadgets too.

[quote Iwantacookie]@codename yes I would because they learn quicker. Call it shitty parenting but none of my dc are up on their phones at ridiculous o'clock so it works for us.[/quote]
Same here. They’ve learnt to self regulate from the start, so isn’t a problem. We have also had lots of talks about being safe on line and what to do if they get sent anything inappropriate. As I said, on the few occasions there have been problems (nothing are ally major) They have come to me. I’m not super strict so they aren’t afraid that I’m just going to punish them, they know they can talk to me and we will sort problems together.

We have a really good relationship, and my house isn’t a battle ground, that’s just what works for us. Whether someone believes it’s shitty parenting or not.

I’m glad you’ve had a good outcome with your dd OP. It seems like she is worthy of your trust and hopefully you can relax a bit going forward.

My ds is 14 and he has to hand his phone over to be charged in our room at night. We do also confiscate it for bad behaviour. We do have his passwords and have checked from time to time but not as a rule.

I think some of your other rules are a bit strict tbh and according to ds we are stricter than any of his friends' parents ( but then he has shown himself to be really poor at self-regulation) As a pp said, school is pretty tough at the moment so letting her have some time to chill before starting on homework might be a good place to start.

I’m battling the exact same questions. I’ve been trying to enforce these rules because recently I went down the “ let’s see if she can self regulate” rule.
What’s happening is that 13yr old dad is on the phone from the minute they leave the school gate, then get home stay in uniform until dinner is served. Quick appearance at dinner with claims that homework is done, then back in bedroom until 9 pm with phone.

Is this what other parents of “self regulating” teens allow?

I offered to help with homework and check it and it was obvious by unpleasant reaction that she hasn’t really done it. I gave up today. For the first time I’m finding impossible to reason and bar from physically hiding the phone I don’t know what to do.

Sounds fine. Life shouldn't revolve around phone use anyway.

Both my kids 14 and 12 are so health and safety and internet savvy. They are both natural worriers and worry about everything so they ask me before ever downloading anything they refuse to have location on their phone because a friends dad who is in the police force says that if their phone ever gets stolen burglars can track where they live and burgle. Not the best thing to say to 2 over anxious kids!!!!!! I used to do no 4 but my 14 yr old now uses it for an alarm and I trust she isn't on it all night. My DD will not use snapchat as she thinks even on ghost mode she can be tracked down. I have never gone overboard with teaching internet safety they just naturally seem to err on the caution with anything.

My Ds (13) has Asd /Adhd

He doesn’t have phone till ready for school - he is distracted enough

I do check phone randomly.

He does have downtime when he comes home

Phone out of room at night.

I think it all depends on your child.

Can your child get ready with phone, do you find inappropriate stuff ( like others have said may be deleting)

Does she do hw?

I think all of your rules are fine, except maybe letting her wind down for an hour before doing homework. But if it's working for you and your daughter's getting her homework done to a good standard then it's a good incentive for her to crack on and do it.

I think phone checking should be mandatory. Not because I don't trust my child, I don't trust others. Predators, cyber bullies. Also looking through am together gives an opportunity to discuss issues that may arise.
Also no issue in keeping phone downstairs.

My son showed me his school friend's Instagram page the other day. She's 12, and a grown man had posted 'beautiful and sexy' under it.
Parents who don't check their kids' phones are idiots.