Honest opinions wanted - am I too strict with my 13 year old?

[Cocopops8]

Hello. I'm hoping I can get some honest opinions as to how I am parenting my 13 year old. I have always thought of myself as being on the strict side yet still reasonable but lately I have started to question my methods and wonder if I have fallen into the trap of becoming controlling rather than a concerned parent. I would really appreciate everyone's honest (even brutally honest) opinion:

1. I check the messages and social media posts on her phone.
2. She isn't allowed her phone in a morning until all her jobs are done.
3. She has to finish her homework after school before she is allowed to use her phone.
4. I have a no phones in the bedroom at night policy, it is left downstairs on charge.
5. I use phone/TV bans as a means of punishment if she misbehaves.
6. I don't allow TV in her bedroom after 9pm.

Even just typing the above list kind of answers my own question as I do sound to be quite controlling. If you think that is the case, I would be really grateful for advice and examples of how other parents handle tech in particular.

Thank you in advance.

I kmow the prevailing advice is to check phones, but I would hate someone doing this to me so much

You're an adult though.

1. I check the messages and social media posts on her phone.

Depends how much you are checking I suppose, I random spot check my dcs phones, but mainly when I have concerns

1. She isn't allowed her phone in a morning until all her jobs are done.

Fair enough, quicker she is ready quicker she gets her phone

1. She has to finish her homework after school before she is allowed to use her phone.

How much homework is she getting? Mine generally get it all done on Sunday morning, but the school only sets it once a week due in the next.

1. I have a no phones in the bedroom at night policy, it is left downstairs on charge.

Absolutely stick to this

1. I use phone/TV bans as a means of punishment if she misbehaves.

Yes again fair enough, as long as it isn't for every tiny behaviour

1. I don't allow TV in her bedroom after 9pm.

Again this is fair, if she isn't ready to sleep she can read a book

Overall I don't think you are too strict for her age, except the homework

@zippityzip

Why would you NOT check your child's phone? I'm paying for it and it's a privilege not a right for a teenager to have a phone.

I work in safeguarding and it's unbelievable what kids 11,12,13,14,15 years old are just allowed to do and access online, and share, and post and comment.

Also worth thinking about, whilst you may trust your child, you can't always trust other people.

I'm not saying obsessively check every message as they are sent/received - but unrestricted access to everything should not be normal.

Well, it doesn't work, for starters. My parents checked my phone when i was a teen, and i just deleted everything i didn't want them to see. I'd be absolutely shocked if a teen couldn't figure that one out.

Apart from the checking messages thing, I think this is all fairly reasonable for a 13yr old.

I might think of starting to relax restrictions as she gets older and takes more responsibility for her social media/screen time usage.

I don’t think privacy is a privilege reserved for adults, majory. I’m not totally absolutely against it but it would take a really, really good reason.

When you invade someone’s privacy, no matter how well meaning you are, you are breaking the trust between you down. I would far rather have my child feel able to come to me and tell me what’s happening themselves.

I can't think of much worse than reading my child's messages.

If I felt that I needed to do that then I wouldn't let them have a phone

I think the fact that so many parents are so lax about phone use is part of how so many teenagers fall victim to the kinds of predators that are out there on the internet, as well as online bullying.

Fact is that even adults fall victim to undesirables online so children do need some fairly close guidance as to how to manage their internet use.

Personally i think that social media use should be restricted to over sixteen rather than thirteen, I believe WhatsApp now is.

While I wouldn’t check messages on a thirteen year old’s phone, I would reserve the right to, and changing of passcode etc would lead to removal of the phone...

But it can be difficult to explain to a thirteen year old that this is all for their own safety, and the parent needs to do checking with safety in mind rather than control.

My DD is only 4 so obviously I'm not in the same situation, but no I don't think you are too strict. I wouldn't want my DD to have a phone until she was about 13 and then I will definitely be restricting use on it and checking messages & use intermittently. I remember what it's like to be a 13 year old girl, and with the internet and social media that exists these days, there's plenty of dangerous territory to run into.

All the same as us, except my DS(12) doesn't like social media so I don't have to worry about that one.

It sounds fine to me.

My ds is 14. We check his PC and phone thoroughly but not everyday. He has basic tasks to do before screen access in the morning, and does get a bit of time in the evening before homework.
If he transgresses the rules, he has them taken away (and 18 months ago that was no unsupervised access to anything, and then only for school using DHs PC, for 6 months after a big internet rule break).
No devices after 8.30, and his phone and PC wifi adapter are with us as he has solid previous for overnight use.
No TV in his room, his PC is downstairs.

When he shows he can comply with the household rules consistently, then we'll lighten up.

What does you dd think?

I have a daughter the same age and we've negotiated gradual handing over of responsibility to her.

Eg, I was adamant that I didn't want her to have her phone in her bedroom at night. She wanted to use it as an alarm clock. She can't access anything other than music after 9pm, so I agreed to this. It's been fine.

She could only use it for an hour a day until lock down happened. She now has it all the time under the proviso that if she was late to school or not doing homework, we would revise this. It's been fine.

I now only check her messages when she's worried about something and shows me and I flick through her other messages. But if I was concerned about her well-being or mental health, I would be very clear that I was going to check more often.

I also think this is going too far. I didn’t control my daughters phone usage and she’s grown up just fine, you need to show trust and teach responsibility, if you control too much they are going to run the first chance they get, not come back and then go off the rails, because they are unprepared

I’ve no idea why you’re reading her messages it’s a huge invasion of privacy, and she will just delete anything she doesn’t wish you to see. Checking her messages is something you do as a punishment when you think they can’t be trusted. It’s not your going in position.

When he shows he can comply with the household rules consistently, then we'll lighten up

Wow. It’s like being in prison.

I work with teens and see a lot of the fallout from phone use. I would spot check the phone -Not daily or even weekly but there are some terrible terrible things sent round on WhatsApp. Phones downstairs at bedtime is sensible. So many teens I know who are having issues at school have sleep issues through being on their phone or console v late.

I wouldn't allow TV in the bedroom but I don't have one in mine either. One TV in the house only!

Homework you could relax on - the school will enforce consequences for that one anyway if it isn't done or is poor quality. Same with the mornings. If she is late to school as on her phone she will be sanctioned.

Don't feel like you have to be the lenient parent to be liked. You do want your child to trust you and come to you when something bad happens though so have an open dialogue about it. Don't know how old you are but make sure you know how Insta/TikTok work and any current concerns.

[quote Cocopops8]@ColdTattyWaitingForSummer Thank you, I appreciate you taking the time to message and it's great to hear that you did the same with your older child and that they've turned out just fine. I just don't know how I've got to the place I'm at now where I have become so controlling. It was never my intention.[/quote]
@Cocopops8I think that no matter what we think, you think you are controlling. Do you think it might be an idea for you to sit your daughter down and say what you've said here? Tell her that you realise she's growing up and perhaps she needs to take more responsibility for what she does. Tell her you still need some rules, but ask her which of these she feels she could take responsibility for. If , for instance, she would like to watch TV later when she doesn't have school in the morning. Or would she like half an hour downtime after school, when she can use her phone before she starts her homework, or does she prefer to get the homework done so she can then relax? I think she would appreciate being treated as an adult. You can always say that if she doesn't cope well with the new responsibility, you can revert to how you do it now.

There are undoubtedly dangers that can come on the internet, from sexual predators to just downright nasty comments from other children.

I think the problem is that while that is a side effect, it isn’t the main purpose or function of a phone. To put it another way, my child might come into contact with a nasty bully or a sexual deviant at an after school activity, but I’m obviously not going to prevent them from going to dance or karate or sport because those things might happen.

Some might think that’s a daft example, I don’t think it is. Phones are bombs, they are primarily tools of communication. And they are just a part of life now and I think any good parent will want to make sure their child can use one responsibly.

If my child encounters someone being horrible to them anywhere - school or extra curricular or the bus or online - I want them to feel able to come to me. I feel an environment of constantly checking up on them is detrimental to that.

Like I’ve said I’m not adamantly against it. My 13 year old has gone missing and I’m really concerned about her safety - I’d say that’s a check her phone situation. My 13 year old comes in stroppy and moody after a day at school - no, that’s a talk to her situation.

Phones AREN’T bombs, that should say!

All sounds quite fair to me. I have a 13 year old, he didn't even get a phone till this year and that was because I told him that I wasn't going to buy him one. If he wanted one he had to buy it himself - which he did. He saved up birthday/christmas money, did a few extra chores and sold off some of his Lego collection. He has since said that he values it more and looks after it better knowing that if he breaks it he would have to fork out for a new one. My 11 year old is currently in the process of saving up for a phone.
Your rules sound great to me. We also have no phones when we are eating (and that means adults as well), no phones in the bedroom and my kids don't have TV's in their bedrooms anyway. If they wanted one, they can buy themselves one.

I don't regularly check my sons phone - although I'm sure he'd be quite happy to let me look. He often comes and shows me things and asks what certain 'text speak' things mean. Most of the time we have to look it up as neither of us know!!!
As long as you have open conversations with kids they seem to respect you for it - maybe in the long run - my son tells me about how some of his friends are allowed to do whatever they want and stay up till all hours on phones and games machines but that they don't ever seem to be very happy and they're always tired.
I think kids need boundaries - It helps them to feel secure.

I never did police my daughters phone use until I got wind of some messages that had been sent by her to another child so I took her phone off her and had a good look through and was shocked by what I found either sent by her or received by her. After a good talking to and education on the use of social media she now understands the errors of her way and I'm glad I did check. I'm not saying everyones kids are like that BUT I'd be horrified if things had escalated and I wasn't aware of the bullying from both sides.

Also, on a side note, I work in mental health and its amazing how many parents don't check their kids phones for any form of bullying until its too late so 100% nothing wrong with checking her phone at all, in fact I fully support it.

It is a tough one. For example a 13 year old who is doing sexualised / semi-nude photos on Instagram. The child's parents had no idea. Presumably never checked her Instagram/didn't follow her/weren't on it themselves etc etc. I'm sure plenty of paedophiles found her account though.

@Pegase

It is a tough one. For example a 13 year old who is doing sexualised / semi-nude photos on Instagram. The child's parents had no idea. Presumably never checked her Instagram/didn't follow her/weren't on it themselves etc etc. I'm sure plenty of paedophiles found her account though.

Yes, and this is where I think some very honest talks throughout childhood, prior to having the phone in the first place, are a good idea. I don’t mean talking about nudes with a four year old, but just trying to instil sensible and responsible online behaviour in the same way as we do road safety or not smoking.

If my daughter HAD put up nudes, and got hassle from online perverts - she’s desperately going to need my love, not my judgement.

How about you have a chat to her, and say you understand she's getting older now, and you're going to give her the chance to set her own rules and be sensible about it.

If she is sensible, great. If she's not, some rules will have to come into play again.

Some teenagers would spend every waking second on their phones if they could, and it's not healthy at all.

I haven’t read through all posts. I have a 13 year old and work in education/social care. Self regulation is extremely difficult for a 13 year old so I think you do need clear boundaries around phone / tech use. I allow my daughter her phone for first 15 mins of day while she has a cuppa, this seems to satisfy her need to check in and then it’s phone off and getting ready for school/breakfast etc. Also similar routine when she returns from school, some downtime having a drink/snack and time on phone about an hour. Then it’s homework, chores, dinner etc, and once these are out of the way free time with family and she can use her phone/iPad until 9.00. I agree with the rest of your rules and my daughter doesn’t have a tv in her room.

I think your rules sound very sensible.

I have a 13yo DD. She doesn't have a TV in her bedroom, but apart from that I don't do anything on your list. I don't check her messages routinely but would if I was concerned about anything. My DD is very sensible, works hard at school and has a nice group of friends so I haven't felt the need to be too strict.