Honest opinions wanted - am I too strict with my 13 year old?

[Cocopops8]

Hello. I'm hoping I can get some honest opinions as to how I am parenting my 13 year old. I have always thought of myself as being on the strict side yet still reasonable but lately I have started to question my methods and wonder if I have fallen into the trap of becoming controlling rather than a concerned parent. I would really appreciate everyone's honest (even brutally honest) opinion:

1. I check the messages and social media posts on her phone.
2. She isn't allowed her phone in a morning until all her jobs are done.
3. She has to finish her homework after school before she is allowed to use her phone.
4. I have a no phones in the bedroom at night policy, it is left downstairs on charge.
5. I use phone/TV bans as a means of punishment if she misbehaves.
6. I don't allow TV in her bedroom after 9pm.

Even just typing the above list kind of answers my own question as I do sound to be quite controlling. If you think that is the case, I would be really grateful for advice and examples of how other parents handle tech in particular.

Thank you in advance.

From looking at my teens insta feed, I would say more parents should pay attention to what their kids get up to online.

I have a 13 year old, and I do have a no screens in the bedroom rule, but that's the only 'rule' I have.

Dh and I don't have screens in the bedroom either, so at least it is fair!

I know Dd has friends that use their phones at night because I have seen the time some whatsapp messages arrive.

I think it's a good habit to put your phone aside when you go to sleep.

I do sometimes ask Dd to put the phone away if I feel she has been on it for ages, but it's not regimented and I don't always keep track.

I never checked my teens phones but they never had them from a very young age. Older two are adults now so mobile phones were only a thing when they were about 15/16 and they were quite responsible.
Teen DS(18) has had one since he was about 12 but I have never checked it. I sound horribly lax, but I would object to someone policing me so just trusted them

@Iwantacookie

I would say you are really strict and need to let her make her own mistakes e.g if shes on her phone till 2am it's only her whose going to be tired not you. Might take a few weeks but they soon learn to regulate their usage on their own. My rules are Once your ready for school you can have your phone As long as jobs and homework are done an hour before bed the time is theirs. I dont check their phones but the condition of them having one was I wouldn't check as long as I had no troubles from them. Mine are 10, 15 and 17

You'd happily let your 13 year old stay up til 2am until she learns that she doesn't like being tired the next day?? Good luck with that

I'm the adult and I make decisions for my kid that are in his best interests. Letting him stay up til 2am on a school night would be shitty parenting.

I take DS (13) phone out of his room at night when I go to bed so there is no temptation to sit on You Tube all night. I don't regularly check his phone now (I did when he was younger) just dip in now and again but this is something i have always told him I might do at times.
I don't check my 16yr old DS phone or restrict it at all.

Surely you can say that about anything?
Your 13 year old is smoking? He'll be an adult soon and allowed to smoke, so don't bother stopping him now! Having sex? Why bother dealing with it when he'll be the age of consent soon! Doing drugs? Well, in a few years he'll be able to make his own decisions! Dropped out of school? Whatever! In a few years he won't have to go anyway!!
Sheesh

We have a phone downstairs by 9pm policy on school nights, I retain the right to look at her phone whenever I want (which I rarely do, but the threat of it is good) and I must follow her on all accounts (Instagram and TikTok - I have to have a fake persona so people don’t know it is me!)

The world they live in evolves around their phones and they need to learn to self-regulate.

Having boundaries is good but I think you can step back a little

I've only got an 11 year old with a phone.
I spot check his phone - maybe once or twice a month, but also if it kicks off (like the 500 messages over dinner one evening).
Yes to everything else, except no TVs in bedrooms.

We only have one TV, downstairs, with Netflix only, no licence. Other than that I don't have those rules with my 14 year old, and didn't when he was 13. I work full time so I leave the house as he is getting up and I get home two hours after him. He gets up and ready for school, gets to school on time with what he needs, does jobs (with a text message reminder after school) and (most) homework without any input from me.

I'd be interested in knowing more about what's made you worry you're becoming controlling, or if your DD has complained about your approach.

My DDs are in Y11 and Y7 so there are differences in the way tech is managed with each.

1. check the messages/social media posts

Not for DD1 anymore although I would occasionally check group WhatsApp messages when she was younger. DD2 doesn't have any social media, I occasionally look in on group messages but no more than about once a month, and often I'll just ask her if I can have a look through.

1. No phone in the morning until all her jobs are done.

DD2 doesn't switch hers on until she's completely ready for school - that's her decision, nothing to do with me! DD1 goes through phases of using her phone before she's ready, sometimes it's productive use e.g. Duolingo but she's realised non-productive use slows her down so she's stopped switching it on until after she's dressed etc.

1. Has to finish her homework first.

No, not for either DD. School sets homework via an app so it's counterproductive to limit phone use then. Neither of them really watch TV so I see little harm in them coming home and relaxing for a bit on their phones before getting on with homework etc. DD2 doesn't tend to use her phone much unless it's to message friends whereas DD1 will partake in mindless scrolling through Instagram or get into chats with friends.

1. No phones in the bedroom at night.

None of us has their phone in their room overnight. For sleepovers (obviously not at the moment), friends' phones, just like DDs' go on the landing to charge - they are freely available but temptation to spend all night taking photos of sleeping friends is reduced.

1. Phone/TV bans as a means of punishment.

Not been relevant for either DD to date. Neither really watches TV and I'd only be likely to remove a phone if that was the cause of the problematic behaviour.

1. No TV in her bedroom after 9pm.

We don't have TVs in bedrooms here so this isn't relevant. They do both have laptops in their rooms but illicit late night watching/use hasn't been an issue so there's been no need for a rule.

A rule I have that doesn't feature on your list is that phones shouldn't be in their hands when walking along the street/crossing roads etc. It's an awareness and safety issue - they've both been told that if they're seen crossing roads whilst fiddling with/looking at phones, it's likely their phone will not be allowed out of the house.

How do you teach children to self regulate? Honest, good faith question. I wish mine would.

Sounds a bit joyless.

I have a 13-year-old and none of his peer group are treated as strictly and are all pretty high achieving kids.
I think you have to give them a bit of space to learn from their own mistakes and to take responsibility for their own actions.

I'm not sure about the checking but everything else sounds sensible. Tbh it sounds like stuff most adults could benefit from!

I can understand the checking in some ways, but I'm not sure if it really encourages honesty on her part? Eg. Could it just make her more likely to delete dodgy stuff/hide it from you rather than share things with you if something on a group chat/online is worrying her? But you know your DD and your relationship so maybe it's not a problem for you guys.

I think that some of those rules imply you don't trust her, which might not be good for her self esteem, and also potentially lead to rebellion! 'Well mum doesn't trust me any way so I might as well x, y and z' etc. I was very (unfairly) controlled and I just felt it was very unfair and really resented my dad in particular x

Yup very strict! those kids tend to be the wild ones at the first opportunity usually when they are much older which is not great 😬
But I do agree with the no phones at bedtime 🥱 they need to sleep and not get not endless crap on Snapchat

Have this for 11year old who has a linked account to me but not for 13 and 16 year old
Agree about doing chores etc before rewards

My teen and 10yr old have phones and know that they can ask me anything; I will be honest in replying and not tell them off. When they hear new words at school relating to sex or similar they tell me. We talk about words that are racist or degrading e.g. to women, people with disabilities etc. They also tell me if they see anything online in the category we call "inappropriate". It may not work for everyone, but I know they will hear and see things and I can't stop, control nor monitor all of this. I'd rather have open conversations and make sure they are mentally and emotionally
safe than police them.

You need a kind of contract with your dd. Tell her, you're a good person, I am happy to support you to manage your screen time yourself if you stick to this agreement
Homework gets done on schedule but at the time of your choosing with no nagging from me
You look at the CEOP website resources suitable for your age so that you are aware of the risks of online grooming
You tell me / ask me about all social media accounts or apps you want to download (I reserve the right to check your phone with your knowledge at any time)
You do not take send or post images of yourself in swimwear, underwear, revealing clothes or naked.
You let me know immediately if you receive any messages or pictures or come across anything online you are unhappy with and I will not judge you but will help you work out what to do.
You maintain other hobbies and interests including outdoors, off screens.
Phone to be off by xpm and outside your room.
If you don't stick to this agreement screen time will be limited more.

If my mum or dad checked messages at that age it would be mortifying. Children need some level of privacy at this stage.

Have you tried having a discussion with her and working out rules together?

DH wanted to trust out kids and I felt that allowing young teens to have internet access with no accountability is actually abusive parenting. However, by about 14/15 you need to allow some privacy. Our youngest is an August baby so we relented to Social media before we should have done as her year at school were using it as main means of communication. We had her password and she always knew we could check whenever but we did not very often... UNFORTUNATELY. I would urge all of you to keep an eye and keep your children accountable. We had 3 separate occasions over course of 18 months where we had to involve police, safeguarding, school etc etc. One check we discovered she had been up several nights in a row chatting to a lad in Australia. If course he could have been anyone, but actually was real but she was falling asleep during day which prompted the check. We regulated that and allowed her to chat at sensible times and eventually friendships fizzled but had long chat about how people on line can be anyone etc. A few months later I did a random check and she had installed Instagram and Snapchat and looking through her photos of screenshots etc there were pornographic memes and dick pics from schoolboys in the years advice her. One of the dicks belonged to the newly elected head boy whilst she was a year 7. Sheer list her phone completely for a while then and we informed police and school but it some ways I wish I had contacted parents directly as I never got to hear what action had been taken and don't know if the parents were ever told. I am sure they would have been mortified that their model head boy child had been sending videos of him ejaculating to a 12 year old. I still wish I had told his parents. I kept her phone beside my bed, switched on, for a couple of days and other older boys messaging her requesting she sends them photos etc. She was 12 !!! Please do not think this is not happening as it could be. I was absolutely beside myself. I would not have guessed in a million years and she could not explain it. She does struggle a bit socially with strong Asc traits which probably does not help but the situation now is that she has had no social media other than text messaging for over a year, is much happier and is giving a talk soon at school on the dangers of social media. Please please keep an eye on what you're kids are up to and talk to them about this stuff. It is hard to know at what age their privacy becomes more important and I would not check the phone of my 16 and 17 year old s but 12/13 definitely and 14 maybe depending on their track record up until that point.

You're not too strict. You're certainly not "controlling".
You're simply parenting, which is something some are too (scared? cool? liberal?) to do these days.

@QuiteGood

How do you teach children to self regulate? Honest, good faith question. I wish mine would.

In all honesty, I think some kids will find it easier than others. My DD is pretty good at it, but has to be nudged occasionally. We don't have phones during meal times and on days out, etc, she will often choose to leave her phone at home. One of the few rules I did impose, having relented and let her have WhatsApp was to not join class groups and only to give her number to people she liked and trusted. She toed the line despite making her a bit of an outsider, but by the end of the term she told me I had made a good call and the group chat had been a bit of a nightmare for some. I think it takes a certain emotional maturity to self regulate and sometimes it helps for parents to step in and say no.