Honest opinions wanted - am I too strict with my 13 year old?

[Cocopops8]

Hello. I'm hoping I can get some honest opinions as to how I am parenting my 13 year old. I have always thought of myself as being on the strict side yet still reasonable but lately I have started to question my methods and wonder if I have fallen into the trap of becoming controlling rather than a concerned parent. I would really appreciate everyone's honest (even brutally honest) opinion:

1. I check the messages and social media posts on her phone.
2. She isn't allowed her phone in a morning until all her jobs are done.
3. She has to finish her homework after school before she is allowed to use her phone.
4. I have a no phones in the bedroom at night policy, it is left downstairs on charge.
5. I use phone/TV bans as a means of punishment if she misbehaves.
6. I don't allow TV in her bedroom after 9pm.

Even just typing the above list kind of answers my own question as I do sound to be quite controlling. If you think that is the case, I would be really grateful for advice and examples of how other parents handle tech in particular.

Thank you in advance.

Thing is op
We all parent differently,and we all have to find our own way .
I was very relaxed as a parent ,if they wanted to do something ,I assumed they were ready for it ...I very rarely said no .
Secondary years very relaxed ,no bedtimes , no punishment,.I didn’t intrude in their lives ,never checked phones .
They are all adults now in well respected jobs and at uni .
There was no hideous teenage years ..I treated them with respect and still do .
That’s what worked for us .
But at the time a fair few people commented they felt I was to relaxed .
I just kept on my own path ,and let them keep on theirs.
There is no right or wrong way op
Just do what feels right to you

I wish mor people check their kids phones

I check dds as her social media is also logged in on mine (so I don’t physically take it off her) but it’s shocking what I read and I know those kids parents have no idea whatsoever

She’s 13

If you’re not monitoring your negligent IMO and I worked with sex offenders for years so know how they operate and it’s kids who go unchecked who they target

I also see how you have got here, but I never did that level of 'intrusion' with mine

I see teens as little fledglings trying to gain independence and take on responsibility in order to grow and you have to let them do it, mistakes and all. And the measures you are talking about do not encourage that.

The parents I have known who did this sort of approach with their teens have had huge rebellion and conflict. Sometimes pretty dramatic, as the young adult fights for their independence and relief from the control.

Mine transited without conflict and strife as it was all on them - they couldn't blame me for anything that went wrong, it was all on them. Their lives, their responsibilities.

Not for everyone, but it's worked out OK for me.

I work in safeguarding and it's unbelievable what kids 11,12,13,14,15 years old are just allowed to do and access online, and share, and post and comment.

This!

The amount of problems that are caused by phones/the internet is insane!

I’m a teacher and I’ve lost count of the amount of times the police/SS have been in school because someone’s taken a photo of someone else and put it on the internet, someone has said they’re bringing a knife into school so everyone else does, someone is being groomed by an older male etc and of course the cyber bullying can be horrific and most of the time the school is only informed because another parent has looked at their child’s phone and found everything.

I don’t think you’re overly strict but as your DC is getting older you could start relaxing the reins a bit. I like a PPs suggestion of having relaxing time on her phone before doing her homework or just check the messages every now and then so they start getting a bit more privacy etc.

I also have friends whose parents were too strict and they went of the rails a bit.

It is always lovely to read when someone is trying to improve their parenting techniques - anyone who thinks like this is obviously a great parent!

Secondary years very relaxed ,no bedtimes

Wow!
My DD would literally never go to sleep if I gave her no bedtimes!

Sounds perfectly fine to me in these times with social media.
You are doing them a favour.

@Flutter12

Secondary years very relaxed ,no bedtimes

Wow!
My DD would literally never go to sleep if I gave her no bedtimes!

She would

Especially when she clocks how tired she is the next day

@Cocopops8 All sounds pretty sensible to me. If more parents checked their children's social media the world would be a safer place. Most have no idea who their child is messaging and what is being said. They are children and therefore, in my eyes, need educating. Too many parents don't bother and think it's invading their privacy.i don't check that often nowadays but mine know that I pay the bill and I will check when I want. That's the rules in our house

You're doing great! If you trust that she's a sensible child, don't check her messages, she would delete everything that she didn't want you to see beforehand anyways and teenagers have jokes and banter that we might find not see as jokes and ruin the fun for them.

Well none of those rules. What I did do when DS was supposedly studying A levels but he had no self control was to calmly take his phone off him put it on the mantel so that took away one temptation. Twice x box related I took headphones and controllers away for five days at a time for the same reason.

Funnily enough as a 2nd year student at uni. he gives his phone to his girlfriend to hold when he has a lot of work on. So he does know his shortcomings.

I never checked their phones, messages, knowing they would delete stuff if I did. It just seemed too intrusive. I had a mother who would turn my room inside out looking for evidence when I was a teenager. So I am a bit leery of being seen as controlling.

TV off is easy just take away the remote leaving it on a news channel.

Once my children (now 16 and 13) started secondary school I relaxed my parenting. They both set there own sleep schedules very quickly. My youngest will get up an hour before she needs to so she can have downtime on her phone before school. Both have chosen to not watch I'm a Celebrity this year as they felt too tired after the first two nights. They have phones in their rooms but quite happily turn them off. We regularly have chats about risks on social media but to be honest they don't understand that I think they'd be stupid enough to do the things I worry about. They talk to me about all sorts anyway. I just feel that the teen years are about teaching independence. In the blink of an eye they could be leaving home for university. At that stage I want them to be worldly wise not mollycoddled.

I agree with you OP. I always made it clear to our DS that until he is 16, there will be a parent control app on his phone. We use Safe Lagoon.
Social media like Facebook/Tik Tok etc are not allowed. He is not missing out on anything ! He can call his friends when he wants to.
We don't allow him to take his phone upstairs at bedtime and there is no TV in his room. As long as he lives with us, the WiFi will be filtered.
Kids don't need to be distracted or sleep deprived.

I don’t think you are too strict. I aim for this but fail.

I do all of those except 1 and 5.
DD is 14 and has had a phone for 6 months.
I do NOT regret waiting this long. For all the obvious reasons.

Mine are older now but at 13 I wasn’t as strict. Just say now she’s older you will be giving her more control over her own phone use, but if she can’t be sensible, or if grades slip you’ll have to put some of the rules back.
I think removing it at night is a good thing though, I never did that as a matter of course and wish I had.

From the bottom of my heart, thank you to each and every one of you who replied to my post and gave their opinions. I was very nervous of putting my question out there but I am so glad that I did. I can't express just how helpful it was to hear different opinions and approaches.

As lots of you suggested, I sat down with my DD this morning before school and we had a long chat about her taking on more responsibility for elements of her life etc. She surprised me with lots of her comments. For example, she said she would still choose to stick with the 'no phone till after she was ready in a morning' rule as she thought it was sensible. We discussed bed times/TV off times and she suggested that on weekdays she turns the TV off at 9.15 with the option of reading until 9.45 and then at the weekend she has suggested TV off at 9.30 with the option of reading until 10. I was obviously pleasantly surprised with her suggestions and it has helped me to see that she is a very sensible and level-headed girl.

A few people suggested that doing homework straight after school wasn't the best option as she may need down-time first. We talked about homework strategies and she said she would rather still get her homework done on the day she gets it set - she says she will just have a drink and snack and maybe a catch up with me before she starts her homework. Which, again, is very sensible.

The checking of messages/social media use is still a grey area for me. As several people have pointed out, if she thinks I am checking her phone constantly, she will simply start to delete anything she doesn't want me to see, which totally defeats the object of me trying to keep her safe. I have said that moving forwards I won't routinely go through her messages but have made it clear that she can come to me with any concerns she may have. In the past she has told me when friends at school have received inappropriate photos from boys and we have discussed what she should do if this happens to her. She is also very well aware of the dangers of strangers creating fake accounts to entice children into trusting them etc.

The 'no phones at night' rule is here to stay for a while longer and she has agreed with the logic for that. Having said that, I will bear in mind what some of you have said about how she will need to learn to self-regulate her nighttime phone use herself at some point. I will perhaps re-address this one in a year or two.

Once again, thank you to every single person who has left a message. I appreciate each and every one of them. I haven't really used MN much before now but will be doing so more often. If I can offer any advice/opinions/a listening ear to any one of you in return, please do not hesitate to ask. Thank you once again.

That sounds like a fantastic outcome. Well done!

I work in safeguarding and it's unbelievable what kids 11,12,13,14,15 years old are just allowed to do and access online, and share, and post and comment

Yah I kinda wish someone had checked my phone when I was 14 as I was staying up til 3am sexting with a predatory 24 y.o

Why the eyeroll?

I've gotten into such a terrible cycle of checking and controlling and, as you say, if I continue to do so she will never learn to take responsibility herself.
Of course she will learn to take responsibility for herself! You can't imagine that when she's in her twenties, she won't have the capacity to restrict her own phone use, simply because you are controlling it now.
You are not being too strict, but a good parent. Children need protection from the Internet, it can be a very dangerous place.

@codename yes I would because they learn quicker. Call it shitty parenting but none of my dc are up on their phones at ridiculous o'clock so it works for us.

My main issue is with checking the messages
The rest I kind of salute you and wish I was so strict
But daily message checking feels like an invasion of privacy on quite a major scale as that’s how they live their social life

I have all of those rules OP. Some are theoretical of largely so (I occasionally check phones, I havent actually punished in years) and I'm slightly more flexible about homework and phones (although my 15 year old sometimes asks to be dephoned as he finds it very distracting). So I dont think you're far off, maybe just try and loosen off the reins gradually.

I have a 12yo and a 15yo. Both know I may check their phones whenever I wish to, but I don't often. No phones in bedroom at night - they are in charge in the hall. No tv in rooms.